Counting
Keeping score with my husband is probably one of my biggest failing as a new mother. I’ve tried to stop, yet I keep doing it:
Who does more laundry? Me. Always me.
Who does more cooking? Mr. MPB. Almost always. (Thankfully).
Who does more morning wakes – breakfast, getting ready for the day before we go to work and the nanny arrives? I’m currently at 3 in a row. No weekend sleep-ins for me. And I’ve noticed regardless of the sleep-in duration, whether it’s only 30 minutes or it’s 2 hours, it is frustrating when it’s not even remotely equal.
Who does more 1am / 3am / 5am wake ups? Close to equal. Yet I keep getting sick, I suspect in part because my body just needs more sleep. I thought we had an agreement on Mr. MPB 2 nights, me 1 night. But, alas, that’s not happening in reality. First, I cannot sleep through a crying Baby MPB, Mr. MPB can. Second, even if I don’t go into Baby MPB’s room because Mr. MPB is, I’m still awake…wide awake in fact.
Who does more bedtimes? This one is usually pretty even because Mr. MPB tends to point it out if he’s done 2 in a row. (And honestly, it’s so easy to put him down at night that it’s almost irrelevant – we brush his teeth, snuggle and turn out the lights.)
Who gets more sleep? I go to bed earlier, but I am also doing the morning before work shift. And he goes to bed later, but sleeps in. Usually this is pretty close. But, the real problem is that I also don’t go back to sleep for hours after middle of the night wake-ups (I’m desperate for a solution to this).
Really, as you can tell, this counting is almost solely about sleep.
And, no matter how I count, I seem to get less sleep.
.
I suspect counting is not good for most first time parents who are both working. I know it’s definitely not good for us. Yet, here I am counting away. When it comes to sleep specifically, I really cannot help but count. At times, I almost feel obsessed with keeping track of who is getting more sleep. Heck, just look back at my blog for the number of posts related to sleep or lack of sleep since I became a mother – it’s a lot more then I’d like to admit….
And then when I continue to come out on the loosing side of the total sleep equation, I now find myself seething in my silent anger. We’ve talked about the equitable split of sleep before. We’ve talked about it a lot in fact. We set up 2 night vs 1 night agreements, yet I’m still up. So, anyways, I’ve stopped talking about, because broken promises piss me off at the best of times, but even more when I’m constantly feeling rundown and tired.
So, tonight, I’m just hoping Baby MPB sleeps through the night better and we all get a bit more sleep. I’d like to feel human tomorrow.
.
Please remember this is just my side of the story. I’m sure Mr. MPB does his own math and feels like he doesn’t’ get enough sleep and comes out on the loosing end too. But, as I’ve said before, it’s my blog so I get to write about it. If he wants to write about it, he can start his own blog.
My Perfect Breakdown 
Have you considered ear plugs? I wear them because my husband snores, I don’t hear a thing. I’m like you, up awake regardless of who is doing the getting up. Thankfully the ear plugs fix both the snoring and the baby wake ups. Charlotte just needs her soother, so my husband does the quick retrieval and sooth. Just a thought?
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hah! I love this line..
“I’ve said before, it’s my blog so I get to write about it. If he wants to write about it, he can start his own blog”
Well, sleep is one of the primary reasons we have A and G in our room , in their little beds. G sleeps through the night , and A comes in our bed after one wake up after which he thankfully sleeps all night.
Its hard to manage any work/ life on poor sleep.
Good luck mama.. maybe you can sneak in a few naps during the day when the nanny is around?
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Mr. MPB reads my blog and when I post something specifically about him (or other topics that i want a second opinion on) I tell him it’s coming and give him the choice to read it first. This one, I just told him about since it’s a reoccurring theme. 😊
We’ve tried baby mpb in bed with us but it rarely works. We never co-slept so I think he’s not used to it and just thinks it’s playtime.
I definitly sneak in the off nap if my work schedule permits or if my need for sleep simply requires it!
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Yup keeping score is a problem for me too. My wife always offers in the evening to do the early morning wake ups on one day of the weekend so I get a sleep in, but do you think I can make her budge when the baby is chattering away at 5am?? No way. And don’t even get me started on laundry, litter boxes, cooking, or cleaning…. But like you and Mr. MPB, I’m sure my wife keeps her own score card that looks quite different from mine – like “earning money” appearing on her score card.
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I think the offers to do it, then sleeping through annoy me the most! Maybe part of my annoyance is because I’m actually so incredibly jealous that he can sleep so well?
Oh yes, the earning more money thing….I think that’s got to be a pretty common one for couples in Canada with the 1 year paternity leave because there is clearly an income difference!
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Awhile ago I decided to attempt to stop keeping a scorecard because it was starting to make me really mad and resentful when I realized how much I do and how little my husband does when it comes to the toddler and household. His main role is to get H up in the morning and dressed, fed and driven to daycare. But if there was the possibility of me being able to do that (my work hours start before the daycare opens) then I’m sure it would land on my shoulders. I do every bath and every bedtime and every dinner, unless I’m not at home and he’s on dad duty. Thank goodness H sleeps through the night otherwise I would be doing that too. I have had numerous conversations about him stepping up more and helping me out but he sometimes gets annoyed because he truly feels he does more, or he gets annoyed that I don’t just ask him to do things and instead build my annoyance up until I make passive aggressive comments or snap at him. He earns 3x as much as I do and is in a high stress point in his career right now which I try to be considerate of, but at the same time I don’t believe that is an “out” for helping with the house and his child. So this week I’ve started actually making requests when I want him to do something. I’m sure eventually I’m going to sound like a nagging wife, but it’s either that or passive aggressive me. He can take his pick! lol. You’re not alone mama 🙂
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Can you sleep in the basement on the nights you don’t have duty? That way you can’t hear any cries? I have so many both working couples with little babies who fight this all the time. Since I am stay at home I do everything which avoids this dynamic. Otherwise I really think this would be an easy thing to fall into.
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That’s exactly what I did last night!!! I feel wonderful today! Haha!
I still here baby mpb cry when I’m in the basement, but it’s so quiet I can usually ignore it and fall back asleep.
I honestly think this is a completely normal battle for new parents. We all need sleep and when we don’t get sleep we start to feel crazy and it’s so easy to lash out at our partners for the sleep we think they are getting!
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Yay- good job! And yes- oh so normal. I got reprieve around 15 months when we stopped going into his room at night when he cried unless he was sick. It took 3 days but he eventually would self soothe and not even cry if he woke up through the night. You know me- a total softy but letting him cry it out a few nights was all the difference in the world. Babies are all about cause and affect. They cry- you come so they keep crying. I think everyone has to do what feels right in regards to all parenting (including sleeping) but that worked for us. I had friends that did the cry it out at 3 months and I was horrified but it totally worked for them. My twin has two and a half year olds and still goes in to their room at night if they cry. To each their own!
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Gretchen Rubin has a chapter on scorekeeping in her happiness book. She stopped for a month and was happier:). But you know that already!
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I’m in the same sleepless boat. It’s so hard not to keep score. That’s true for just about everything, in my case. Of course, my husband keeps his own scores, too, and they are not even remotely the same as mine. I find myself channeling Elsa a lot… Let it go, let it go….
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I know this will be an issue for us when we have kids. Most of our marriage, I have worked, so he used to help around the house, but now not so much. It will be interesting when we enter into that season of life for sure.
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I’ve read somewhere that parents often have a hard time accurately accounting for and remembering how much each person does. I know I count too and we have independent counters of sleep – our fitbits! I do better on less sleep than Chris so I am doing worse on that front.
Can you exchange counts? What Does 1 Hour of less sleep =??!!
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Yeah this is a real issue. It’s hard to not compare who does more in all the realms of childcare and household stuff. My husband has to remind me to be direct with him as I tend to indirectly ask him to do things (and while he knows what I’m getting at he can’t stand the way I “ask”). Sorry I don’t have any suggestions for the sleep rotation. I though your 2 on 1 off rotation was great but it won’t work if you can’t sleep through baby MPB’s night wakings. I hope this gets figured out!!
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Btw I think it’s awesome that Mr. MPB reads your blog! Hi Mr. MPB!!
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I can’t say I really keep score, but I do 90% of the morning wake-ups, because I get up earlier and baby has started getting up with me. I do 100% of the night wake-ups, because I’m breastfeeding. I do 100% of the bedtimes, again – breastfeeding and we have the terrible habit of nursing her to sleep. I do 100% of dinner prep, plus morning smoothies. I honestly don’t mind the disparity too much, because it equals more time with the baby, and I have always required less sleep than my wife. Plus my wife does 90% of the cleaning and 70% of the laundry. To be honest, the only one that kills me is that I have to do 90% of the dog care. MAYBE once a week on the weekend my wife will get up to take them out to pee in the morning, but not after they have woken us all up begging for their breakfast.
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My husband won’t ever volunteer to get up with my son in the morning, and he usually sleeps right through it. I’ve found that I have to wake him up and ask him to do his share. I would absolutely rather not have to ask him because I always feel so selfish, but it’s better than begrudgingly getting out of bed and resenting him for it. We’re still working on it 🙂
As for falling back asleep after a night waking, I have a pretty boring novel loaded on my phone at all times, so I can usually read myself back to sleep if my mind gets too busy.
I hope baby MPB’s good sleep returns soon!
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You’re right that scorekeeping isn’t good for your marriage. But on the other hand, neither is feeling that you are doing a disproportionate share of the work/sacrifice.
Having said that. . . our sons are 5, and my husband and I still occasionally have these thoughts about each other. 😉
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Can you go sleep in another room when it’s Mr. MPB’s turn to get Baby MPB, or when it’s your turn to sleep in in the morning? That’s the only thing that works for me, because I am also a lighter sleeper than my husband. And I’m like you: I find myself counting obsessively when I’m feeling sleep-deprived, but then once I’m feeling OK again, I stop counting and feel happier. 😉 Even though I always wind up doing more night wake-ups since I’m breastfeeding, it really calms me down if I know that, OK, after doing this wake-up, I’m going to go to the guest room and nobody will wake me up until the next time I’m officially on duty (otherwise I’m liable to be woken up by the dog or a restless husband) — it really helps me get through the rough sleep patches.
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Ugh, the counting!! B and I are both a bit competitive by nature, and we have always counted everything! Who does dishes more, who vacuums more, who dusts more…now we can just add baby things to it! With me not working though I get up with C if/when she ever wakes up. Thankfully we aren’t feeding multiple times at night anymore, but she does stir every hour or so which wakes me up. Obviously it’s not the healthiest thing to do in a marriage, but it’s kinda hard to stop. We do really try to even things out among chores though, so that helps a bit. I have no real advice for this, other than maybe sleep in different rooms when it’s the other’s night like others have said…just letting you know I’m right there with you! It takes me forever to fall back to sleep as well, but B is back asleep in a minute or two. Frustrating!
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I guess we never really kept score much. Maybe a little. But that was instantly met with an “I work!” from DH. Which doesn’t apply in your case since you both work… but honestly, just having whichever one of us it makes more sense at the time step in… that works best for us.
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Oh man what is it with mean not being bothered by baby noises? When Luke was 9 months and we decided that I wouldn’t be nursing him through the night anymore I slept in a different room for almost a month while my husband took the monitor. I was shocked by his ability to still sleep decently. And now I wear earplugs at night as I too am bothered by any little noise. I hope that baby MPB stars to sleep better for you both.
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I’m sure everybody does it. I am not sure what our routine will be when we finally have our baby. If we are able to breastfeed then obviously I will be up for that. I don’t want Hubby to totally miss out on feeding bonding time though so I will likely pump sometimes. Hubby has a different work schedule to me so is generally up much later so he would likely take the first night shift and I would do the others until I go back to work and then we would have to change it up 🙂
All guessing though, this could all go out the window once a bub comes along 🙂
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Also I HATE missing sleep. Sleep is one of my favourite things. So I completely understand where you are coming from.
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T doesn’t even wake up when B starts crying, unless it goes on for ages. Also I’m breastfeeding so there’s not much he can do. He does do the morning nappy change though! So I guess he is getting the easy end of the deal generally, but he has gone back to work this week so I think he is entitled to more rest than I am – I can sleep in all day if I want to!
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I get that when breastfeeding it’s completely different because the person with the breasts is kind of required at all times of the day! ❤
I also think the division of paid work also makes a difference. If someone has to work everyday, they probably need a bit more sleep just to ensure they don’t fall asleep at their desk!
But neither of these situations apply to Mr. MPB and I, so I think it should be more equitable. Or at least it needs to feel more equitable. 😉
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I totally do this too and feel horrible. It just comes out when I am exhausted. It is a hard battle as a parent. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
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Gosh we have to constantly remind each other not to keep score lol. It was actually one bit of marriage advice that my mother gave me so she must have struggled with it too hahaha.
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