Choosing a Uterus
Well, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write!
But, I also never thought I’d go through recurrent pregnancy loss. So, I guess it just is what it is.
.
Mr. MPB and I had a rather brief conversation this last weekend about the actual way in which we could become pregnant with the donor embryo(s), if we choose to proceed. I say brief because we both 100% agree that my uterus is not an option. The facts are rather simple:
- My uterus is the reason we lost our 5 babies. My body, while not experiencing extensive immunological issues, has reverse blood flow to my uterus and suspected silent endometriosis. While We are still not convinced I have endometriosis, but we know without a doubt our babies died due to a lack of blood flow which is absolutely critical to the development of an embryo/fetus.
- The treatment for said medical issues is not available to us locally. In order to receive treatment I would have to fly to the USA to undergo surgery for the possible endometriosis. Then, fly bi-weekly for multiple months, possibly through the second trimester (if we made it that far) for medications to be administered. All of this would be uninsured, meaning we would pay directly out of our pockets. From a purely financial perspective this could easily be over 100K without any guarantee of a successful outcome.
- We have Baby MPB. I am simply not willing to travel and be away from him every two weeks potentially for months. I want to be present and part of his childhood. We both know we will not have a second child at the expense of Baby MPB.
To be blunt, the fact is, if my uterus worked, we would just try the old fashioned way and wait until we got pregnant. When it comes to our specific infertility journey, we were actually really good at the conception part. Honestly, we would go about a second child the old fashioned way simply because it’s the most affordable way to have a child. And, if my body worked the way it should, trying the old fashioned way is also the least complicated. But our reality simply isn’t that simple and there’s no point on pretending it is.
As for IVF to use my own eggs and Mr. MPB’s sperm. That is also completely off the table. Mr. MPB’s contribution is high quality (he tested completely fine through all our losses) and doesn’t involve major medical procedures to get. However, I am simply not willing to put my body through more and I don’t think Mr. MPB would encourage me to. I’ve been through enough physically already with all our losses and I simply have no desire to put my body through the process of IVF. I have no desire to experience all the side effects of the medications and I do not want to go back to the mental stuff associated with trying again – I’m really happy to be out of our multi-year pregnancy bubble. And I’ve been working hard to get back to where I was from a purely physical perspective. And probably more importantly, I’ve worked bloody hard to learn to mostly trust my body again and mostly not hate my body. I’m not willing to jeopardize that.
And its probably worth nothing that at we simply do not care about having a genetic link to our children. That’s just not an important factor for us. And so, we just don’t feel the need to go down the route of trying ourselves again.
All this means that we have decided that if we proceed with embryo adoption we will have to find a gestational carrier. And what we both know is that this single decision is what will make our desire to have a second child very challenging and possibly even impossible.
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I tend to agree with your conclusion. It was sort of the same conclusion I came to in my fertility journey. Thankfully we were able to do foster care adoption and it worked out. The private adoption and the gestational carrier are both very expensive. But there might be someone out there willing to be a gestational carrier for free. Don’t give up hope! Thankfully you still have Baby MPB.
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Yes, thankfully we have Baby MPB and you also found your way to your child!!! Also, thank you for sharing your similar decision making process, it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our thinking and decision making.
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Well I guess it was fairly easy to come to that decision, and at least it didn’t involve hours of hashing things out with each other. That doesn’t mean it makes things easy though, obviously. So many aspects to this decision. Are there laws in Canada (or locally where you are, I’m not sure how the process works) stating that you have to pay for all of the carrier’s medical bills, or is that just something that you would choose to/not to do? I wish you luck as you make your way through all of the ins and outs and decisions regarding this. I like that through it all, you’re keeping your mental health and baby MPB in the forefront, because those things are definitely what’s most important!
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I am simply amazed at modern science. A baby out of 3 parents!
I am happy you both are at peace and agreement over your decision and choice, many a times half the battle lies there!
Good luck, and hope there are no roadblocks in your path!
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I always appreciate your perspective on things and I understand your need to keep working on your physical health and not wanting all those medications and the potential of your body failing at something. It reminds me of the post you wrote about choosing not to breastfeed. That post hit me hard because I did choose to try and I failed miserably. I have not had the courage to blog about that yet because the feelings are still very raw, but I can respect your decision to put yourself first knowing it’s the best choice for you and baby MPB. Sending so much love as you move forward. ❤
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I’ve been both a gestational surrogate and an egg donor. If you are interested in any of my experiences and/or advice in regards to agency’s and expenses, and in general what I have learned please contact me. I’m happy to give you any information that helps you to troubleshoot and know who and what to avoid.
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I can totally see how this decision was made. Wishing you so much luck and love
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I know all of this is difficult for you, I wish you all the best❤
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I’m very interested to read more about this as you go down this path. I’m really hoping to be a surrogate but it’s so difficult in canad
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It is very difficult in Canada to do either surrogacy or gestational carrier. As the embryos are in Canada and we cannot afford gestational carrier in the usa, I really need to educate myself more on the laws. I’m just at the start of trying to figure all this out. But it does seem very challenging since the laws are not very surrogate/gestational carrier friendly.
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100% I have a contact for a lady with a surrogacy consulting firm if you want to get in touch with me for that but she’s only in the west coast. Not sure where you are. I was going to work with her when I do a surrogacy. She has a really hard time finding surrogates because there are no incentives for them. And it’s not realistic to think everyone wants to do it out of the goodness of their hearts. Financial incentive would go far in getting more people to do it
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I was a gestational surrogate. For me personally, financial gain couldn’t have been the only factor. No amount of money is worth pregnancy, labor, and the aftermath. While compensation is a nice piece of the puzzle, helping to create a family was a much bigger piece.
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Definitely not the only factor but when you have to pay out of your own pocket for things like prenatal classes accupuncture ect because it’s illegal to compensate for surrogacy in canada it’s kind of problematic
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Wow. I suppose it would be problematic!!
There are states in the US that aren’t particularly friendly with laws too. Luckily my state wasn’t one of them. 🙂
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I have been a surrogate in Canada, things that are directly related to the pregnancy are covered in expenses. Massages, clothes, lost wages, etc. A good contact covers both the intended parents and the surrogate. Ensuring nobody is taken advantage of. There are agencies that have better reputations than others in Canada, carefully move forward if this is your future path.
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You have thought this through very well and I am so glad you know what will not be an option. I’m so glad you won’t compromise on that. Wishing you all the best!
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Best blog title ever! 😘😘😘
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Only in the infertility world would that title make any sense! Haha!
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Did you talk about friends or family being a potential surrogate? Chris and I didn’t agree on this, I would have been happy for a friend or familyMember to be a surrogate (obvs choosing carefully!!!) but Chris said absolutely no way, he didn’t want to burden anyone he knew with a potential loss and what that would do to our surrogate. These kind of conversations are not easy 😔
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Honestly, we haven’t even started these conversations with any friends or family.
Anyways, I honestly though I don’t think any of our friends are going to offer nor would we ask them. I don’t say this to be negative, but rather they are all in the middle of growing their own families as fertile people do or in the trenches of their academic pursuits. I dunno, I also kind of have to agree with Chris. Either way, I think it’s something we definitely need to talk about.
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Yes, absolutely tough and emotional things to talk about.
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There is a website called surromoms online. Check it out. There is even a “classified” section of people trying to match with each other for surrogates and intended parents.
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I have a comment to make that is just information to throw into the ring. Healthcare in AUS isn’t really that expensive (compared to the US) even if you are paying full price. For me to have the laparoscopy to explore possible endo and the subsequent removal was only about $3k. A full IVF round (not subsidised) is $10k. So way less than the USA. I am not even suggesting IVF but the specialist I saw did specialise in the silent endo like Dr B. If you wanted to get it looked at and removed you could take a family holiday and have it all done for less than what you’d probably be doing it for in the states. Just putting that out there as a comparison for you. Anyway, I know that seems a bit out there but just thought I’d you get stuck exploring other options maybe this would be something you might consider…and maybe not too. Hope passing that info on is ok. Good luck for whatever the future holds. X
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I will definitely be interested to know how this all works. Someone offered to be a surrogate for me, and while that’s not the road we decided at this point, it may be something we consider later on. I’m still praying for this whole situation!
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The one other thing I would say is worth considering is the effect of having what would be a biological child on baby MPB. Given you don’t really feel strongly about having a bio child this may not be a big deal, but I do think that there are complexities involved when you have both adoptees and bios in the same family (and I’ve written about those from my experience). My experience from adoptee groups is that most adoptees would prefer it if they were not in a family with bios. This is a condensed view, obviously, as it’s much more complex than that. I love my siblings who are my parents’ bios, but if you asked me if my childhood had been easier if I had only had my adopted sibling – I think it would have been very different. Wishing you all the best. X
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I always appreciate your comments! Honestly unless there is some sort of massive breakdown with our birth control followed by some sort of truly miracle successful pregnancy there is no way baby MPB will have to deal with that. Both Mr. MPB and I are very set in our decision that we will not have a biological child and taking the necessary precautions to ensure we don’t have another pregnancy.
That said, I do appreciate your perspective regarding how a bio child could impact baby MPB. And honestly, we wouldn’t want to cause baby MPB to have additional struggles with his adoption. I think that’s another very valid point to consider as we think about a possible 2nd child.
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