I Cried
I got home from a long day at work. My in-laws are gone. Mr. MPB had to go to an evening meeting. So upon arriving home I promptly took Baby MPB for the evening to soak up as many snuggles and laughs as possible.
As he fell asleep, I retreated to the quiet of the living room. The dog curled up next to me, and I began to cry.
I cried because I feel defeated from the in-laws visit. Now that the weekend is over, with hindsight being 20/20, the hat debacle could be considered one of the best parts of the weekend. Ya, it got worse and so did my attitude. And surprisingly, a lot of the problems were the result of my perception that Mr. MPB was basically sitting on his butt visiting with his parents. I was left to do EVERYTHING else. Seriously one day went like this:
- 5am baby feed.
- 7am wake up with Baby MPB – Mr. MPB takes Baby MPB to hand him off to in-laws.
- Empty clean dishes from dishwasher.
- Spin class. Because planned stress relief is a must for these visits.
- Returned home to clean up the breakfast mess that was left in the kitchen.
- Weedwacking
- Lawn mowing because snow is on its way and this is our only day available in the next 2 weeks.
- Cleaned up one of our gardens for the winter.
- Returned inside to empty the dishwasher and got in trouble for waking Baby MPB up due to the lawn mower.
- Take out the overfilled garbage.
- Had a shower because spin class and lawn mowing necessitate a shower.
- Went to lunch with in-laws.
- Returned home to put Baby MPB to bed for his nap.
- Made bottles and determined we were out of formula.
- Went to grocery store to buy more formula.
- Returned home to unpack groceries.
- Went to a self-imposed time-out because I was fuming and it was evident in my voice. Mr. MPB did basically nothing. He made breakfast and then proceeded to sit on the couch with his parents talking all day. I’m sure in his mind he was keeping them out of my hair, but I simply cannot understand why my normally helpful husband wasn’t capable of taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher or making bottles or doing something/anything helpful.
So, today, once I was alone for the first time in a few days, I sat down and the tears began falling down my cheeks.
I cried because the visit was a dismal failure.
I cried because when I got home from a 12 hour day at work the garbage wasn’t taken out, again.
I cried because the kitchen looked like a bomb went off in it, again.
I cried because I’ve barely held my son in 4 days, except while putting him to bed.
I cried because Mr. MPB and I have barely spoken outside of text messages in 4 days.
I cried because I have to do laundry tonight – we are in dire straights when it comes to having clean clothing in the house right now.
I cried because I learned this weekend that my in-laws next visit will be 5 nights over Baby MPB’s first birthday.
I cried because I simply do not like my husband’s parents and I don’t see how that will ever change.
I cried because I am now dreading my son’s first birthday.
I cried because I feel like a doormat for 4 days whose sole purpose was to clean up after everyone else.
I cried because I have already referred to my son’s birthday as “the hell that will be Baby MPB’s birthday.”
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My Perfect Breakdown 
I dont know how things are with your in laws or what sort of people they are ,but Ive live with mine for years in the same house and I can share tips and help you destress each time they visit. I wont do it here because it can hurt others. Dont feel alone and please do not dread his first birthday.
Email me.
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Oh lovey. I can relate to every single word you wrote. I dreaded my girls’ first birthday, but it turned out well and I think it was because MY family was there to dilute all of the bullshit that comes with my husbands family.
You are a great mama, and trust that Baby loves every minute he gets to snuggle with you ❤
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Your inlaws may not be what you want them to be but taking stress over others is not a good thing for urself. Not only are you wasting your precious time by getting angry but ur also wasting the beautiful time baby MPB and Mr MPB can have with you no matter who is around.
Im childless and my husband’s younger brother has a child. His parents use every opportunity to hurt me by showing off to be having a great time with his child and wife. I bear that.
I do not stay with my inlaws anymore but my husbands brother stays with them. When im visiting… i often notice how his wife fumes over our mil etc but she is smart enough to have a nice time in her room with her husband and her child. I hear them giggle tickle laugh and play. Of course i get hurt but i learnt how people dont let others affect their happiness. And then my mil runs into their room to play with them and act like a half maid lol
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Oh hunny, that sounds like an awful weekend. I want to cry for you. I am sorry it went so horrid. The in-law part is what I am most dreading after Baby B gets here too, I know there will be butting of heads.
I hope Mr. MPB comes home and gets more helpful now that his parents are gone.
Again, I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I’m sure I will be in the same boat soon enough.
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Omg, MPB. I so get it. I so, so get it. Let me just say this… My in-laws were here for Charlotte’s first birthday too. I was DREADING IT. But it ended up being ok. I mean, I wish they could have stayed elsewhere, but Charlotte’s party still ended up being joy filled and lovely and I have nothing but happy memories when I look back on the day. You will be so busy that it will help overshadow their presence. It’s a mental game too though. Don’t let them take your son’s first birthday from you because when you look back, you will only blame yourself for that. I know it sounds harsh, but I’ve been there enough times with my in laws… Take it from a pro. Lol. I hope you and Mr MPB can have some time to connect this week. Maybe a nice dinner and a glass of wine after baby’s bedtime. You’ve got this. And you feel free to email me anytime you need to vent because I have been there at least once a month since Charlotte was born.
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I am sorry. Sounds like you needed that cry a lot. This too shall pass. Sending love.
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Lady friend, I have BEEN THERE. I don’t understand why I become “the help” whenever we’re spending time with Mr. O and his family. He does to a certain degree when we’re with mine, but not as much. (Or at least that’s what I think. I’m sure he would have a different answer.)
It’s frustrating. It’s stupid. But sometimes I kind of like it because that means I don’t have to engage in the weird tension that crops up during family visits. Instead of listening to people make inane comments about my parenting/politics/people of color/the economy/my child’s hair that I’ve let grow so long it makes him look like a girl, I just say “Oh look! There are dishes that need to be cleaned! Laundry to put away! A screaming baby I would rather listen to than your veiled racist comments!”
Gotta find that silver lining somehow, amiright?
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I can totally relate. I cried this morning over frustrations with hubs. And this year, the 2nd anniversary of my first daughter’s stillbirth and the due date of my second daughter who I lost a month ago will be at Thanksgiving. And it’s the in laws turn for a visit at thanksgiving. I just so can totally relate.
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You could tell them in advance that you’re so happy they are coming for 5 days as you’ll need a holiday by then and want to enjoy your son’s 1st birthday (that is what grandparents are for). That they don’t need to worry about what they need to know as you’ll start documenting everything now. And mean it.
You’ve had a lot on your plate – no idea if you know this so just in case if it ever becomes something that concerns you – AP’s can experience their own version of PPD, it’s real. There are resources.
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Thanks TAO! I am aware that AP’s can experience a version of PPD. That’s actually part of why I scheduled a check-in with my councilor who ended up sick and cancelled (worst timing ever). I honestly don’t think I’m experience PPD yet, but I do think I’m at risk because I am struggling with everything right now. I need to get life back under control….
Thank you for the reminder.
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Oh MPB, I have been thinking about you and The Visit, I’m so sorry the hat incident was only the beginning. You asked if I had any advice on how to get through these interactions, and I’ve been mulling on it a bit. One thing I would do, particularly since it sounds like Mr. MPB is not on the same page, is have a therapy appointment set up for the day they leave, so you have a safe place to dump everything out and have your experience validated. I know your councilor had to cancel on you – is it possible to have a backup for these times? Someone that your councilor works with perhaps? My MIL is a master gas-lighter (and a mental health professional, which is terrifying), and it is only through years of discussing it with my wife that I no longer feel like I’m just unhinged from reality when I’m around her. We ended up having a joint therapy session the day after she left (that we scheduled on her last day with us) this last time. Heck. If you need someone just to vent to who will understand, I’ll give you my phone number.
Thinking of you, especially in the lead up to Baby MPB’s birthday. ❤
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I kind of understand why mr mpb checked out during his parents visit. Not saying it’s right, just that I understand. Since he doesn’t see them a ton, it makes sense that he would soak up every bit of time while they’re there. DH does the same and we see his parents all the time!! But that does make life extra hard on you…. I know. Believe me! Haha. But is there any way you can hire a maid to come a time or two during their next visit? Or would your in laws think that was weird? I have cleaned house for ppl for years and I know the stress it can take off of them. Try to just make up your mind that you will enjoy baby mpb’s birthday come what may. In laws are hard to deal with at times, that’s just the way it is, unfortunately. All we can do is make the best of the time we spend together.
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I can totally relate, it was my sister in laws wedding this past weekend and as much as I was looking forward knew it was going to be a long haul as family was here and my husband was part of the wedding party. The biggest thing to remember is that it is only temporary.
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Just wanted to say I’ve related to many of your posts recently. From the nanny debacles to the in-laws, to the lack of sleep and general craziness. Hence why I haven’t commented until now. Anyway, I appreciate your honesty because so many of us can relate, and it allows us to feel less alone and crazy. I’m sorry things are so intense right now. I hope it slows down for you.
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Sending hugs. Ummmmm do they have to stay with you??? At least there is some time before then that you can negotiate with hubby about how things will go down.
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I am sending you a virtual hug right now. It’s totally understandable that you cried…so much stress and the feelings of not getting help are so difficult. I can relate to having a hard time with in-laws and I am so so sorry it makes you dread baby MPBs birthday. Hugs and love.
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I’m sorry friend. It all sounds so overwhelming. Hope reprieve and peace is coming. Maybe next visit you can make a deal with your husband that he wakes up with baby and you sleep in while they are there. Crazy that your in laws don’t help around the house.
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I refuse to like this post. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough few days. I would have spoken up to Mr privately while his parents were there and told him how they were all making you feel. And I’d surely leave everything a mess and make him clean it when he got home!! You’re not a slave, or a maid, and it’s horrible that they would treat you like that in your own home! We don’t have family come stay with us too often, but when we do they ALL make it a point to help out and either ask what I/we need help with, or just take it upon themselves to clean something on their own. I can’t believe that these adults acted that way. I’m also sorry that they are going to be staying so long over baby’s birthday. I would suggest having a long talk with Mr about not only this past weekend, but about their next visit. Make it clear to him that you will not tolerate being treated that way, and maybe suggest that if his family is looking for a vacation then they should stay in a hotel near your home. Or if that just won’t go over well, then they at least need to clean up after themselves while staying with you. They are family after all, they should be willing to help out, not just take advantage!! *hugs*
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I totally understand. I feel this way when both my inlaws and my own parents visit. Both sets are very lazy and sit on their butts all day. My husband has a tendency to do the same, especially when the tv is on. Anytime family visits I get super stressed because they cause more problems than I need to deal with. I’m sorry you had to deal with it and will again for the 1st birthday. Just know you aren’t alone!
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Sending you a giant hug. <3. I owe you a long overdue message of gratitude. Wyatt's drum is his current fav toy. We play it daily. You are appreciated. Your gestures are noticed. I hope you don't forget it and I hope you and Mr MPB can reconnect and diffuse from the in law visit.
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Thank you. I need that right now.
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Oh Friend, I am so sorry! Sending you big hugs and lots of love!!!
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Of course you cried…. Anyone would. In-laws are tough for most, from the conversations I’ve had with friends. I have a pretty good relationship with mine, but after many years of my MIL and SILs being terrible to me.
Do not let them ruin baby’s birthday. My two SILs and MIL could have ruined Matthews first birthday with their selfish behavior, but because so much happened leading up to it, by the time the day arrived, I was set on NOT letting those women ruin the day. My two SILs didn’t show up (we had NEVER missed any of either of their kids’ birthdays, let alone their FIRST birthdays) and I thought to myself, “good riddance” because they would have ruined it. My MIL fumed and steamed the entire time because my SIL’s ex was there (SIL was happily married at the time with a child, and the ex is Brian’s coworker and friend), and I told people around us why she was being a witch and to just ignore her, and they did. At the end of the day, the only person upset was MIL, and well…. she brought that on herself. We were happy, Matthew was happy, and everyone else there was happy. She made her own misery, but she didn’t make mine.
All this to say – get it out of your system. And if I were you, I’d tell them to find a hotel.
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I’m so sorry… I really feel for you. I know what it’s like to have family whose visits are way more work than help, and whose visits take so much out of me emotionally. It’s a really shitty situation cuz how are you supposed to say “no, they can’t visit for that long again”?
My own parents just left after a 5 day visit (thank GOD they slept at a friend’s house) and I felt really sad by the end of it because I only got the chance to hold Avery when I fed her. My parents literally took her out of my arms when she was done eating. Visitors are hard when you are stressed, overworked, and just need to spend some down time with your kid. Feeling abandoned with household tasks by your spouse during this time must make it so much harder to deal with. I really feel for you for getting through baby MPB’s birthday. Maybe you can find a way to put your foot down and delegate tasks to everyone, and maybe they’ll listen…
Good luck!
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So honest. Sometimes, a good cry helps.
For the record, it took 7 yrs for me to get along with my hubby’s family. Keep hope that things can change.
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Ugh. That sounds terrible and I would be frustrated too. Sometimes, men just don’t get it! They think we want one thing, and instead of asking us, just do that one thing and think they are helping! Instead of asking us what we really want or need!
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I’m so sorry that you had such a s$:&@;& time while your in laws were there. I’m proud of you for taking some time out for yourself while they were there. About the only thing I can say is cry. Cry like you have never cried before. Because when you cry, you’re letting it out. We are serial bottlers and even something as simple crying can do amazing things for us
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