Grumpy Mom
Yesterday I’ve realized that I have been rather grumpy the last few weeks as life has felt more chaotic then normal.
One of the many things on my mind right now is that work is a bit insane at the moment. A few of my projects have required my attention in the last few weeks and the next few weeks are also going to be busy. I never intended to work this much, we thought I’d work 1-2 days per week. And, yet here I am, working an average of 4 days a week.
In the consulting world it’s hard to turn down work and both Mr. MPB and I are independent consultants (in different industries, but the lifestyle is very similar). The fact is, I don’t know where my next pay check will come from. Which means I also don’t know when it will come or how much it will be for. So, I seem to live by the old consulting motto of work when you have work, relax when you don’t have work. But, it’s proving slightly hard for me to live a balanced lifestyle when I have no consistency in my work life.
For example, June was slow for me. I barely worked, but it worked out well as I had my breast reduction surgery then and just took it easy. But now August is busier then I’d like. Next month, who knows.
But, what specifically about work has turned me into a grumpy bear this month?
I think two things:
First, I think part of my issue with work is that I always feel that my job is not as important as Mr. MPB’s job. When it comes to a scheduling conflicts (which unfortunately no matter how hard we try, do happen for us from time-to-time) I feel as though I’m always the one who has to either delay a work deadline or juggle Baby MPB and work at the same time – which means I am not being the professional I want to be or the mom I need to be. It frustrates me beyond belief, and has been the source of a few recent arguments between Mr. MPB and I. When I told him this, he did admit that he places more value on his job then mine, which has meant that when we have a scheduling conflict, he focuses on his job and I’m the one delaying work to focus on Baby MPB. In fact, he suggested that I should stop going to spin class as it wastes time that could be put towards work. While he has a point about my 3 times/week spin class reducing the time I have available to work, I just refuse to compromise my desire to get back to being more healthy after years of recurrent pregnancy loss that did a number on my body. I don’t want to live that way. In fact, I simply cannot as I only have one body to get me through this life and I want it to be a long life.
Second, I’m a bitter that I feel like I’m working my butt off to help pay off our adoption related debt, to afford to give our son the life we want for him, and to be a decent wife and to be the best mommy I can be. And, I sit here feeling like I’m not doing it all well enough. I feel like I’m failing at every turn. I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job for my clients as I’m constantly playing catch up. Pathetically, being a decent wife is barely even on my radar most days recently. And, even worse it breaks my heart that I feel like I’m not doing better for Baby MPB – he simply deserves the best. And, during a recent MPB argument, Mr. MPB reinforced this for me as he told me I’m not doing enough with Baby MPB and evidently I’m not doing my fair share around the house. Yup, I was essentially kicked while I was down. And, now I’m trying to do even more, yet I feel like I’m walking on an increasingly narrowing tight-rope.
(To be fair, before everyone criticizes Mr. MPB, this is just one side of the argument, and I promise you there are always 2 sides and I know I didn’t shine in the best of light either. But he doesn’t write a blog so you only get to hear my side).
I’m guessing most of this work life balance stuff is probably very common working parent problems. And I do believe learning to be married while having a baby is hard work, and so while I hate these argument, they are probably pretty normal for first time parents. But, it all feels a bit crippling at the moment.
How do other mom’s (and dad’s) do it all? More specifically, how do others do it all successfully?
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My Perfect Breakdown 
Right now am a stay at home
Mom, and I am holding all the weight of the house on me. Mr does laundry, feed dinner to the boys and put them to sleep.
When I was in the work force, I was always overworked and exhausted, perhaps pregnancy played a big role too.
I have a strict routine and stuck to it like glue. However, I must admit 0 free time and 0 me time.
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I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself. You can’t do 10 things all the time perfectly, you just can’t. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So you have to choose what is most important and put that first. Realistically you need to put yourself first, because if you can’t function then you can’t take on everything else. (I don’t do that either, so take it as you will lol!) Second needs to be baby, then Mr MPB. If your hubby feels that his job is more important than yours, then maybe you should cut back on your work and let him take on more in his. Let him be more financially responsible so that you can do more with baby, him, and the house. If your spin class is keeping you in shape and sane, you shouldn’t give that up. It sounds like that’s the ONLY thing you are doing for YOU, and that’s important as well.
I’m sure this is all easier said than done, as I know I will find out in a few months. It’s hard being married and being a mom and trying to work and have a life as well. That’s why we’re trying to figure out right now ways to cut back financially so I can stay home as long as possible after Cadence is born…I KNOW that I won’t be able to balance it all the way that I want to, and I want to be able to be the best mom and wife that I can.
Good luck working through this and finding out what the best balance for all of you is. If you need to vent, you know how to find me!! (On that note, I need to email, but things here have been so incredibly insane lately that I either don’t have the time, or my brain is so scrambled that it wouldn’t make sense if I tried!) *hugs*
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I feel like this is the endless battle for us women. We want to do everything we can really well and somehow do it all. Since starting my business, I have had to have a lot of these conversations with my husband. It is different for us because I stay at home and my husband is sole provider right now so the lines are a bit more defined. That all being said– here is my advice to you. 1. Do not give up working out. It will make you a happier and healthier human- you are smart to keep this. 2. Can you have clearly defined roles for the house? Meaning the hubby is responsible for laundry and you dishes etc. That way you guys know who is in charge where and can make that part less ambiguous and open for arguments. 3. In the same vein can you set up parameters for deciding who compromises when? For example– the person who has a deadline the furthest away watches MPB etc. Finally– I say you do something romantic and nice for MPB this weekend. Maybe make him his favorite meal or surprise him with breakfast after letting him sleep in. While honestly you are probably the one who deserves this from him, I have found that in a marriage where there is a bit of stress or tension, if you make a gesture (even one that should be done by your partner) it sets the tone and often inspires the other one to do the same. Xoxo
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Aahhhhh what wonderful advice! Should have known lovely you would have just the right words for this!
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So sweet! Xoxo
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You mentioned not giving effort to being a decent wife. That’s normal. All of this (and I mean ALL of it) is normal when you have a new baby in the house. You can’t give everything your full effort and husbands take the brunt…. But so do wives. Is Mr. as attentive to you as he used to be? Probably not. Men need attention they need to feel needed and wanted. They really are big children, and that comes out when a new baby enters the picture. Everyone I talk to has had the same experience. 😉
Working or not, the same issues arise. I don’t say that to be all, “staying home is just as hard,” I SAT it because I’ve truly found that no matter what the situation, husbands feel that the wife is slacking at home and with the baby because we are women… And women, after all, are the primaries to keep up the house and kids. It’s ready to criticize the job Mom I’d doing when
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My phone blew up as I was typing so i published and will add on here.
It’s easy to criticize the job Mom is doing when you’re not the one who’s expected to do the same things as Mom. And it’s not that he’s even 100% wrong (in our case, I was slacking with coking meals and needed to hear it, just not the way he said it), but to whip it out in a fight is just not nice.
There are your hardest times. I say that from experience (twice). Babies and young kids suck all of the air out of the room and all you can commit to right now is to power through it and be on the same team. It gets better, especially with one child. Life was so great with one once he was a year old! You’re almost there. ❤
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And I will judge him for ONE thing. NO you should NOT give up spin class. No, no, NO. I am appalled that he even suggested that but hey, Brian has said similar things (“if you didn’t run so much, you could get xyz done.”). Again, men. I would NEVER suggest that Brian stop doing the ONE thing he does for himself.
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I obviously have no tips for you because I have yet to get there! But I fear what you are writing is what I am likely to experience in the future and in fact, last night Chris and I talked about the likely future as we sat down together (you will hate me!) at 9pm to watch an episode of our fave TV show. Chris commented that this is unlikely to continue! There will be no time for this!!
What you write is how I imagine every mum and dad feel at some point with a new baby!
The only thing I will say is that I don’t agree with giving up spin classes because a healthy body DOES mean a healthy mind. These few hours to yourself and your body may be what actually gives you the energy to keep going with everything you have on your plate! It’s not like you are spending 2hrs everyday working out! I am hoping that Chris and I will be able to workout together at our local gym that has a nursery a few times a week because I think healthy body is so important.
I’m sorry you are feeling down and grumpy right now. But you can get through this – you are probably in a ‘storming’ phase right now still and the only next logical phases are ‘norming’ and ‘performing’, it’s normal to be here, testing and adjusting. You’ve got this and you will get through this!!! Please remind me of this next year when I’m grumpy mum 😜
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The other way to describe it is that you are in the ‘cone of confusion’ – it’s not clear what the answer is to your problems yet, but arguing and debating all options is necessary! (And writing about it on your blog helps you too!) There is light at the end of the cone!! You won’t feel like this forever!!
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Yep, all of this. Hubby implicitly expects me to sacrifice my work so that he can do his whenever there is a conflict. I’m the only one who actually makes money (he’s a med student), but somehow his job is less voluntary than mine. It’s definitely frustrating, and I think ultimately disappointing to find out that our husbands might inherently be a little more sexist or selfish than we expected them to be before baby came along. Not that we are perfect, no one is suggesting that 🙂
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Sounds like a tough situation that I cannot fully comment on bc I’m not there yet. I agree with other posters that you should continue to exercise bc it’s good for your mind and body, plus it gives you time to yourself which I believe is so important no matter what kind of relationship you’re in (marriage, partnership, mom, friendship, family). I hope you and Mr. MPB continue to talk about this situation and communicate your feelings to each other, even if it’s hard to hear, as this will help you move to a resolution. I wish you all the best.
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Sounds very upsetting, all this pressure to be the best you can be in all aspects of life. I can’t imagine working with a new baby let alone also working out and putting effort into a relationship. It’s all too much… I have a feeling I will be in very similar shoes when my baby arrives, as my work as a phd student is automatically minimized because it is unpaid, so I have always been the one expected to take care of home care responsibilities. When baby comes, my wife will be back at work outside the home and I will very likely be expected to work on my PhD, take care of the house, and take care of the baby all day. So I don’t have advice, but I feel for you… It doesn’t sound fair at all, and I hope things get easier and more equal for you.
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I can definitely relate to the emotions you are feeling, most mothers probably can. I am a stay at home mom and a full time college student. The workload and stress always comes and goes in waves like you mentioned. One week everything is great, I am organized and managing time well with my work. My little girl is happy and things go smoothly around the house. Then there are weeks where the work is endless and I have deadlines piling up and the sink is overloaded with dishes and I am also behind on the laundry and shoot I forgot to lay out something for dinner! STRESSFUL! I try my best to manage everything and to be honest, making list of specific things to finish really helps me. But there are always times when you’re suddenly overloaded out of nowhere and it really takes a toll on your body and mind. With that being said cancelling your spin class would be a terrible idea! You need to keep that “you” time specifically for you for many reasons. It is good for your mind, body and soul. You will be a better momma and wife when you have time for yourself to clear your mind and do something that brings you happiness. Try not be so hard on yourself! Realize that you’re doing the best you can, take a deep breath and relax. When it gets real tough look into your babies eyes and remind yourself why you do everything you do; for him.
I am so glad I found your blog, I am new to blogging and just getting started.
Follow me if you’d like http://pickingwildflowers.wordpress.com
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Marriage + baby + work/career is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have no advice, only empathy. I wish there was a magic solution that could make it all work seamlessly. I do better mentally when I remind myself that this is all temporary. As the kiddo gets older/more independent, we’ll have more freedom in a lot of ways and a lot of these squabbles will fade into the background. I already see little changes here and there since Charlotte turned 1. Hang in there, mama.
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I remember a discussion about doing it all on some social media platform when Darwin was 9 months old and my wife had shoulder surgery. People were talking about feeling like they just couldn’t get everything done. We all started talking about the things we are letting go because we just don’t have enough time in the day. At that point I think I hadn’t walked the dog in about a month and I was showering every fourth day…
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Working mom since day one here. (I went back to work full time when my twin sons were 10 weeks old, 4 weeks adjusted age, since they were nearly 6 weeks premature.) My sons are now 4.5, and I have come to believe that there is really no such thing as “work/life balance” for a working mother.
What I mean by that is, whether I am thinking of my children or of my job, I am always feeling like I could/should be doing better or more. Time spent at my work is time I can’t spend with my sons and vice versa.
The way I’ve made it work (to the extent I have) is by having a husband who is an equal partner in this parenting enterprise. He actually takes off more time when our kids are sick and takes care of them on his own more often, simply because his job is less demanding and affords him more flexibility. (I think that should be the deciding factor in who “gives” vs. gender roles, FWIW.)
I think it’s great that you’re going to spinning! Don’t give that up! Taking care of yourself is THE most important thing because you can’t pour from an empty pitcher. You have to “fill your own tank” before you can give to your child or your job.
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First off I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit. You are doing FABULOUS! It might not feel like it but you really are. Not only are you taking care of your son, you are managing a career and friends and taking time out for yourself! I’m so glad you’re not giving up those spin classes! I know that while it might feel like you are neglecting other areas making time for yourself and taking care of your body is so important. Not to mention those endorphins help to improve mood! So take a breathe and realize that you are awesome!!!
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I know you are doing great! I also consulted for 3.5 years (without a child) so I understand the lifestyle. I am taking time off now, so – honestly – I just give you huge praise for trying to find balance because I can’t imagine it ever being easy. Just know that YOU are good enough, just as you are. Your best is giving all the necessities and more to your family. Just try to find time for a shared glass of wine with hubby for connection, and give yourself a break. It’s harder to exercise this notion than to say it, but remember guilt won’t help anything AND I strongly believe you have no reason to feel that way (even though all working moms do). Just try to remind yourself how much you kick ass and be gentle with yourself and your loves. Many hugs!!!!
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right there with you, as you can see from my recent post. i am struggling, and while cutting back on my work will be a solution for now, i don’t know if it’ll be a good long-term solution.
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Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you commented because somehow I lost your blog from my follow list. But, I’ve added you back again.
And, thank you for commiserating with me – it’s nice to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I hope we both find decent long-term solutions.
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You need to go see Bad Moms. You’ll feel better after 😉
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It’s fucking hard. I don’t do it all, and what I do, I can’t say I’m successful at it. Huge kudos for you for not compromising on your spin class. Not only is your physical health important, but the mental break is important, too, even if it’s just for an hour at a time. I’m terrible at that. I know I don’t do my best with housework, but it hurts when my husband makes a comment about the mess or unfolded laundry. I wish I had unlimited time and energy to get all that stuff done every day or even every week. But, each task feels like a compromise: I can do the dishes, or spend some time coloring with the toddler; clean the house, or take a walk with the kiddo. I often feel like if I’m doing chores while the kid is awake, I’m ignoring her and our precious time together. But the chores need to be done! Ugh. Balance is a fucking joke.
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Oh my god, you are being SO hard on yourself. M and I have had a three yr old for 2 weeks and have already had some bruising arguments! I cant imagine if we had a newborn/baby. The accumulated sleep debt is just killer. Hang in there. You guys will crack up about this in no time.
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I think the fact that you are striving to be better all around proves that you are doing an Amazing job. Nothing is going to ever be 100% perfect and there will always be some sort of imbalance, but you’re awareness and desire to give Baby MPB the best life means you are being a great parent. As for the marriage… I know the feeling. Having a child literally throws a wrench in a marriage and navigating the dos and donts suck… I am confident it just takes time (at least this is what I am telling myself!). You guys seem to be awesome at communicating and that deserves a pat on the back. You’re doing great, there will be good days and bad- on those bad days, take a deep breath and poor a big glass of wine 🙂
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Being a parent is hard. I think being a parent after infertility is even harder because I think we sometimes give ourselves unrealistic expectations to live up to. We work so hard to finally become parents, that we want to be perfect and appreciative all the time of the miracle we are finally given and it’s just not possible to do that 100% of the time. Now, I’m not a full time parent yet, so I could be wrong on this, but I imagine that’s how I will feel. You are doing an amazing job as a Mom and as you do it longer, you and Mr. MPB will find ways to juggle and balance things better, but right now, you need to give yourself a break and you NEED that ME time. It ultimately makes you a better Mom and wife, even if Mr. MPB can’t see that right at this moment. Sending you much love, Dear Friend!
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Yes it is SO hard. We have had a few arguments like this of late. I don’t have any real advice as we are struggling too but can offer empathy and hugs xx
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I’m struggling with going back to work and take care of the baby right now! So I don’t have any advice yet because I’m now in the “I’m overwelmed and don’t know what to do first” fase. I also play music so it’s hard to fit that in too. I decided to give up house work completely, only the bare necessities like washing and cooking for the baby. Luckily there is a cleaning lady every two weeks. My mother criticises my messy house but I just don’t have TIME to care about it 😉 I also think that my job is “less” important than hubby’s so we will see how that goes when there’s a conflict. Don’t quit your spinning class! that’s an order 😉
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So, if I’m being honest, our boys are 19 months old and Callie and I are JUST getting back to our “old” selves (which are clearly new and improved selves with remnants of old self). We have just stopped bickering every other day, started being intimate again (both in our conversation and in our interactions) and have been better about self-care, which we’re also starting to realize is KEY to helping us maintain a healthy relationship/marriage and be better parents and consequently LESS GRUMPY! It’s hard to juggle your work/life balance when there are also kid/s involved. It’s gonna ebb and flow the first year of parenting, but don’t fret! It’ll all get back to “normal” (or something like that!)
The work thing and who’d position is more important is a big deal. There is always the toss up between “mine is more important because BENEFITS” vs. “mine is more important because more money!”. But who’s right and who’s wrong?! What we have actually done (thanks to my therapist because this has been an ongoing issue since the inception of our relationship, but that’s a whole different story for another day!) was physically write out a tangible list that says the pros and cons of our jobs in regards to importance to our family. Callie took mine and I took hers. Turns out, BOTH of our jobs are really important for different reasons, and both of our jobs are less important in regards to others. It put things into perspective. Sometimes, it’s ok tfor me to take the hit and be late when we all wake up late because Callie screwed up and has a super important weekly conference call that she can’t miss. But then next week there is NO WAY i can be late or miss work to care for a sick baby because of whatever! We both take the hit because despite the actual job duties BOTH ARE SUPER IMPORTANT! Just a suggestion of work stuff keeps being an issue…
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I have a really similar issue with jobs. Despite the fact that I earn more than twice as much as my husband, somehow his job always comes first. Mine is a bit more flexible, but if he lost his job, we’d just have to cut back (a lot, but we’d be ok). If I lost my job, we’d be starving and homeless. I don’t think my husband really looks at it from a practical point of view – as far as he’s concerned, his job is just more important, and I think it’s a holdover from when he was growing up and his step-dad was the primary breadwinner and women were expected to sacrifice for the man of the hosue.
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