Baby MPB Will Be A Big Brother
It’s official. Baby MPB will be a big brother.
I knew this was in the realm of possibilities, however slim. But, I just didn’t think that day would come anytime soon.
But, as with most things baby making related after living through recurrent pregnancy loss, it’s nothing like I imagined.
You see, Baby MPB’s sibling will live in an entirely different country, thousands of miles away from us. We will make every effort possible to ensure Baby MPB and his sibling know each other. But we also realize this decision isn’t solely ours to make.
Baby MPB’s birth mother is having another child. She intends to raise the baby with the babies father (not Baby MPB’s birth father). We actually spent some time with him when Baby MPB was born – he seemed like a genuinely good guy. And so we are honestly excited and hopeful for the two of them. Nothing would make me happier then to see everything work out for them.
We’ve already told her that we want to visit once baby is born so that the babies can know each other. She seemed excited about that and also wants the babies to know each other.
But, I’ll admit, when I found out, I took this news a bit harder then I maybe should have. Of course, like most things related to pregnancy announcements, I kept my feelings to myself. My emotions are my problem and not something I’m about to share with newly expecting mom.
Let me be clear, I’m not upset because she’s pregnant, I am truly hopeful and happy for her.
I’ve realized my complex emotions come from two sources:
- I’ve always wanted two children. I’ve been hiding/suppressing my desire for 2 children since Baby MPB joined our family because I know realistically 1 is all we’ll ever have (and I am beyond thankful for our one, please don’t get me wrong). So to hear that he will have a sibling, but not a sibling that he will grow up with, breaks my heart. And it’s just not the same being raised thousands of miles apart from each other. But, because it’s important to us, we will do everything possible to make sure Baby MPB knows his sibling so long as it’s a safe and healthy relationship (and I do honestly think it will be). I guess, in my mind, the announcement of his sibling is just a cruel reminder of what we cannot give Baby MPB.
- Why the f*&! can we not have children like everyone else in the world? Honestly, why does my body have to be so incredibly broken? Realistically the only way we can afford another child is if we randomly get pregnancy and miraculously stay pregnant, which just isn’t about to happen. Knowing we’ll go through another miscarriage, and we’ll watch another baby die, just isn’t something we are going to do. And, knowing how close we came to losing my life during one of our losses, it’s not a risk we are willing to take or an experience we are willing to knowingly repeat. But, I’ll admit, it seems tempting to just stop birth control and roll the dice. Honestly, some-days it just sucks to be barren and to watch everyone else in the world have babies, especially when they aren’t trying and they are actually taking all the right steps to prevent a pregnancy. Some days, I just cannot help but wonder why the world hates me so much? Most days, the good ones, I realize that my barrenness is the reason baby MPB is in our lives today and I’m thankful for that. But other days, when I want a second child, it sucks. It sucks knowing I’m the reason he cannot have a sibling. It sucks knowing I’m the reason my husband cannot have a second child. It sucks knowing that the one thing I want more then anything in the world is the one thing I cannot fix and I cannot overcome.
And so, regardless of my emotions, here we are excitedly awaiting the arrival of Baby MPB’s sibling. Here’s to hoping the future allows these two little ones to know each other and hopefully be friends.
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Ugh, this is complex. I’m not sure how I’d feel about it, but just reading it put a knot in my stomach. This is great for baby MPB but it will be complex for him too. And I understand wanting to be the one to give him a sibling. Oh, so tough.
Hugs.
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Complex is the right word! I think it’s always exciting to become a big brother, but clearly this isn’t a typical situation and it will take some special attention and navigating when Baby MPB is able to understand.
And yes, I’d give anything, except my mental health, to be able to give him a sibling. And my mental health is the crux of the problem….
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Oh wow, from the teaser I was all prepared to be excited for you. But I’m also kind of sad now that I’ve read your entire post.
I have a question, if at some point you feel like addressing it (but no hard feelings if you don’t).
Will it affect baby MPB to know that he was given away, but a brother (close in age) was kept by BM? Does this worry you? Or do you see it as a non-issue?
XOXO
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It is something we will absolutely have to address with him as he gets older. How we do that, I don’t know right now, in fact asides from honesty I’m completely clueless. And yes it does worry me and at the same time it may also be a non issue. I guess it’s one of those things that only time will tell. But we will definitely do our very best to be prepared to help him through these complex emotions.
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I wondered the same thing. Tricky situation and I’m sure the reasons were good and made sense.
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I placed a child for adoption and fairly shortly thereafter, had a second child whom I am now parenting. Like Baby MPB’s first mom, my children have different fathers. And that was at the heart of the reason to place my first daughter and keep/parent my second. When I got pregnant the second time, I was happy for me (even my first child was wanted, but circumstances changed because the man I wanted to have a child with forgot to mention to me that he was married in our passion filled eight months of falling in love and planning a future) and I knew that parenting would go a long way to healing my brokenness from missing my first baby. But my predominant emotion was that I was terrified of how it would impact my first daughter; wouldn’t she look at my life and see that a year after “giving her away”* that I was now parenting another child? I’m sure I would have had that fear even if there had been a longer period between the two pregnancies but the proximity, especially, made me feel oh so guilty.
But my truth, and maybe Baby MPB’s first mom’s truth, is that what was at the heart of my decision to place my first child was that I couldn’t give her the father she deserved. I could have been a single parent, and I considered it for a good long time, but ultimately that felt like giving her less than she deserved. I couldn’t bear the thought of my little girl growing up without her daddy to adore her, and to show her by example what kind of partner she someday deserved. I made drastically different choices with each pregnancy but I am overjoyed to know that both of my daughters have that. And that’s how me and my first daughters parents plan to present her story to her. She might still struggle with it, but I do trust that her parents are raising her with the openness, compassion, and empathy to understand that I did what I thought was best for her.
Someone below remarked, a bit too judgmentally for my liking, that it seems irresponsible for Baby MPB’s first mom to get pregnant again so soon if she wasn’t able to financially support a baby just a few months ago. I’d encourage anyone who feels this way to consider that adoption marketing is designed to make women facing unplanned pregnancies feel like they aren’t enough, that they don’t have enough to give. At perhaps the most vulnerable time of their lives, these women are being inundated with the message that they aren’t good enough. There’s a blogger who talks about adoption with a “burning building” metaphor– that adoptive parents aren’t taking babies from their mothers but rather their first mothers are throwing them to safety from a burning building, and the adoptive family is there to rescue them. A lot of people think about adoption like this, and that’s how the industry wants it to look. But on closer examination, many people (both first parents, adoptive families, and adoptees) realize that while the adoptive families likely were wealthier, the “building” wasn’t really burning in the first place. What many first parents realize only in hindsight is that parenting would have absolutely had its challenges, but they 1. weren’t insurmountable and 2. would have been worth it. Except in the most dire cases of poverty, parenting is possible at most income levels. The argument about opportunity in financial stability is a slippery one, because at what point is enough, enough? Surely Baby MPB has a bright future, but undoubtedly there is a wealthier family out there who would be able to offer more. And surely there are plenty of perfectly lovely adoptive families who have a lot less. I’ve known women who placed children because they didn’t think they could support them on $40k a year, when there are THOUSANDS of families who actively plan to have children with much less. My very long winded point being: maybe Baby MPBs first mom didn’t feel like she could financially support a child six months ago, but maybe 1. Having a partner helps and 2. She may realize that even though it would have been a struggle, it wouldn’t have been an impossible one.
The last point I wanted to make is to encourage people to look at the disparity in our language about adoption pre-placement and post. Most people use adoption positive language when they are waiting or hoping to adopt. The birth mother is considered selfless and heroic for putting her child’s needs above her own. We say she’s “making an adoption plan” or “placing her baby in an adoptive home”; and now we say she “gave her baby up.” Maybe the latter is what people actually think, and maybe it’s even true. But it seems awfully manipulative to change language so drastically once you’ve got what you want. Many first mothers report feeling this way: when they’re still incubating the baby that’s so wanted, they’re lauded with praise for their selflessness. But once the ink is dry on the adoption placement, they’re suddenly careless, irresponsible women who gave up their children.
(This is completely a comment intended to talk about some general patterns in the way adoption sometimes works and in no way meant to vilify MPB. I haven’t seen her say or imply anything here, just picked up on it in some comments.) 🙂
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Thank you for sharing your personal experience, but i would like to ask you a question: are the mothers able to choose a family where the child will be adopted because my fear is that some of those children (stories i read; i dont know any story personally) end up with people who are bad and unfit for parenting, but unfortunately, their flaws go unseen).
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Big standing ovation over here. Thank you for this comment!
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Wow, what a mix of emotions. I’m happy that you guys still keep in touch, and that baby will be able to get to know his sibling. I do hope that her pregnancy is uneventful and she has a happy, healthy baby. I just hope (like the others mentioned above) that baby won’t be upset or jealous about this situation when he gets older and is able to understand life more. I know he will never be upset that he has you as parents, because you guys are amazing, but I can’t help to think he may wonder why things happened as they did. Sending love to you all!
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My mind is reeling after reading this, and I can only imagine how much more difficult this must be for you. The world is an unfair place and sometimes it makes me want to scream out at the universe.
My BM had a second daughter and kept her. I didn’t find this out until I was 18 and went looking for my BM. Honestly, in all of my fantasy’s of my birth parents growing up, it never occurred to me that there might be a child that they kept after me. There were some bitter thoughts when I discovered this, mostly relating to why I was the one given away and my birth sister was the one she kept. But, most of the time, and especially as I matured and realized how sad my BM was, I was and am incredibly grateful to be the one who she was selfless enough to give a chance at a better life than she could have ever provided. I actually feel like I’m the lucky sibling.
So, this is definitely complex, but I think it will be good for the siblings to know each other. The hardest part of breaking off contact with my BM was that I also lost the relationship with my birth sister. I would have liked to continue a relationship with her, but our relationship was so tied into my relationship with my BM, I didn’t feel like I could have one without enduring the other, and I just couldn’t do that. If baby MPB gets to grow up knowing his birth brother, their relationship will be established by adulthood, and they can stay in touch even as baby MPB realizes that he was the lucky one. Because he is the lucky one, he was wanted more than anything, and loved enough to be given the chance at an awesome life with you. *hugs*
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Why does only one of them get to be lucky? Can’t Baby MPB be lucky for having his adoptive family, and his brother or sister be lucky, too, for having his/her family, too?
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I’m not saying that baby MPBs sibling is unlucky. Being adopted brings a lot of emotional baggage. A lot of feeling like you weren’t good enough to get to stay with your BM. Having a loving family helps, but even then, the feeling of insecurity will always be with you. Of course his sibling will be lucky, but baby MPB will also need some extra love and reminders of his value to overcome his feelings of inadequacy that come with being adopted.
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I’m not saying that his sibling will not be lucky. However, being adopted brings with it a lifetime of emotional baggage, no matter what.
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I understand and do agree that adoption brings emotional baggage. But that’s why I think it’s a bit paradoxical to encourage the kind of competitive thinking inherent in suggesting one is the lucky one. Is one luckier because they had a more affluent family and more opportunity? Or is the other luckier because they didn’t have to deal with the emotional damage of being separated from their family of origin? I can see why am adopted sibling might be tempted to engage in that kind of comparative thinking but as a parent I think I would do all I could to redirect it into an acceptance of different circumstances, and a focus on my child’s own good fortune–but without comparing or needing to say one is luckier. I think the ultimate goal is for the child to feel at peace at his or her own circumstances. Not because a sibling had less materially, or didn’t feel the rejection of biological parents. Just because they’re content with how their life has played out. I hope that makes sense.
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Wow…I wasn’t sure what to think when I first read the title to this post. This is big news and I totally understand where you’re coming from on all the feelings this has brought forth. I’m happy that BM wants the kids to have a relationship too. I hope they’re able to. This was something we were going to have navigate also if our adoption would’ve gone through because she was already parenting. Sending you lots of love as you navigate through all these new feelings and this new situation. And I totally owe you an email!
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Wow… that was fast. I’m with you… when I hear about other people’s easy fertility, it hurts. Even though I have my baby now, I can’t help but admit that deep down I feel a little bit bitter when I hear about women who get pregnant at the drop of a hat and have as many babies as they want (or more). Especially (please don’t quote me on this one) when they’ve already given up a child for adoption because they felt that they couldn’t care for it. It’s not their fault, but it’s one of many ways in which the world just isn’t fair.
The fact that it’ll be baby MPB’s brother, but that they won’t grow up together… that’s got to add layers and layers to the feelings. I’m glad that Baby MPB will have a brother. I’m glad that his birth mom feels that she can provide a loving and stable home for him. But I can’t help but feel that the world would make more sense if Baby MPB’s brother were going to be raised in your house, with you and his big brother.
If it helps, my adopted cousin has really positive relationships with her (slightly older) siblings who were raised by their birth mom. She loves having siblings, but she’s also old enough now to realize that in many ways she had a better life that she would have had if she hadn’t been adopted. It’s always complicated, but Baby MPB will come to terms with his family situation as he grows, and he will always know how much you love and appreciate him.
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“But I can’t help but feel that the world would make more sense if Baby MPB’s brother were going to be raised in your house, with you and his big brother.”
This feels really icky to me. Isn’t what makes sense for women to be empowered to make choices for their own bodies/pregnancies/children based on what they feel is best under their current circumstances? I think MPB has been nothing but grateful for her good fortune to be able to adopt and to have made a connection with Baby MPBs birth mother. She’s never seemed entitled to anyone’s child, and that’s what your comment seems to suggest.
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I see above the reason for your strong reaction to my comment, and I apologize. I don’t know anything about Baby MPB’s birth mother’s circumstances, and it’s too easy to judge harshly on the basis of the little information that I do have. Adoption is so complicated — I understand that there’s a fine line between being positive about adoption and adoptive families and ignoring the very real pain, manipulation, desperation, and complicated emotions that can take place on the birth family end of things (not to mention for the adoptee). I do wish that MPB could parent a brother for Baby MPB, for her sake and his, but you’re right that I shouldn’t ignore the difficult questions about how that baby would enter her family, and the loss that adoption represents for a birth mother and adoptee.
And yes, MPB is a lovely soul and has never suggested that she feels any entitlement towards anyone else’s child. In my opinion she has done an amazing job of navigating the emotional minefield of adoption (and pregnancy loss, and the loss of her mother and sister, and everything else she’s had to deal with over the years). I’m not quite as lovely a soul as she is, and am more prone to judgment — one of my many faults. Please don’t read too much into my comment about my beliefs about empowerment of women to make choices, though. It was a combination of my knowledge of MPB’s lovely soul and wishes for her own family, and my own judgemental side that led to the comment — not my belief about women’s right to make choices. Baby MPB’s mom absolutely 100% has the right to make whatever choices about her children she wants to. That doesn’t mean I have to like them, but I will defend her *right* to make them to the death.
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What bothered me, really, was the suggestion that there was something about MPB parenting a second child from Baby MPB’s first mom that makes more “sense” than her parenting her own child, which she clearly feels capable of doing. It sort of hints at the idea that there’s some subjective hierarchy of parenting in which you assume the MPBs are superior to Baby MPBs first mom and her partner and thus should have their new baby. That’s what felt icky. I think that Baby MPBs first mom and her partner raising a child that they feel capable of caring for makes far more sense than them placing him or her. Just like it made more sense for her to place Baby MPB when she decided to do so for whatever her reasons were at the time.
I do share in your fantasy that the world be more fair. How much simpler it would be if healthy babies could be born easily to women who want them, when they want them, and not at all to women who do not want them, or at a time when they aren’t prepared for them. And I do wish that someday, somehow MPBs dreams of a second child might come to fruition.
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Shew, this is a toughy. My completely emotional reaction is bloody hell, how very unfair! Well done for processing it and gaining a more mature perspective xxx
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Oh geeee this is so complicated for you guys to digest and figure out your feelings. I can see how this situation brings up a mix of emotions. I mean just for me reading this I’m feeling confused about it so I can’t begin to imagine how you feel.
I too felt that initial anger of ‘seriously-how can some people be so just damn fertile’ was my feeling too before you even wrote it yourself!
In a different picture though, it is kind of cool that baby MPB will have another sibling related to him. I have lots of half and step brothers (too many to count, no sisters tho!) some close some not so close, even the ones far away I think about them. In today’s society we better support families that aren’t ‘classic’ – and you won’t have a classic family, it’s normal – but also kind of cool! I love talking about my non classic family to my friends. Baby MPB has so much love around him and that is what is going to make this situation easier for him in the future.
I’m sorry you didn’t get to be the one who gives him the first younger sibling- that really really sucks and must hurt a lot – big hugs won’t make it better, but I’m sending them virtually anyway X
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Ugh. To be honest , I have mixed feelings. She just had a baby less than 6 months ago and clearly she was not in a great place then financially . And now she has another baby on the way? I feel sad that baby MPB has to know he has a sibling closer to his age. I am sorry if my comments hurt.
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It sounds like she wasn’t in a relationship with Baby MPBs first dad but is with this baby’s dad. It may not be financial as much as emotional for her. This time around, it sounds like there’s someone to help both financially and emotionally.
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You are not alone feeling this way! My heart breaks for my husband and our little boy when I think about the fact that they will not be able to experience a second child because of me also. It’s a tough burden to bear. I don’t have any advice as I am experiencing the same thing, but I can offer you a little company in your situation. Our son has two siblings (sisters) that remained with his BM and I know it will be difficult for us to explain. My prayer is that he will be able to understand and still maintain a healthy relationship with his BM so I’ll add baby MPB to my petition too. Adoption and all the strings attached is tough but thankfully, most days, all the drama pales in comparison with the love of our sons. Baby snuggles always help too. 😊
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Oh that is complicated! Many hugs. I totally get your sentiments and think I’d feel the same way. It will be wonderful for your son if he is able to develop a relationship with his half sibling though and it is great that birth mom wants that too!
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Wow this is not at all what I expected to read! I suppose it was something that you might have thought you would encounter. That Baby MPB’s birth mother could/would have another child and he would be a big brother. But you probably didn’t think you’d have to figure this out so soon. From what I know of you through your posts, you are a thoughtful, deliberate person. This won’t be simple or easy to navigate but Baby MPB is lucky to have you to be the bridge.
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*hugs* I really feel for you. I wish you were able to create the family you want without having to spend huge quantities of money, jump through all sorts of legal hoops and go through huge stress / personal trauma to get there. It isn’t at all fair. I am so thrilled that you have Baby MPB but I completely understand your feelings of wanting to provide a sibling for him, it is such a complex emotion. While I do hope that something will change that makes possible for you, I also hope you can find a way to manage this delicate situation. Sending love to you xxx
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A complex situation is right. I feel like you guys will navigate this in the best possible way as it unfolds. Even though I have H now, it still stings when I hear of others’ road to baby. Hugs!
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Holy cow. I can understand your varying emotions in regards to the news. I’m so happy to hear you plan for the children to know each other and visit. I can also understand the reminds of your past and present that the news brings up.
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This is so complex – my heart aches over it all. I’m happy for Baby MPB’s birth mom – that she will parent this baby and experience motherhood in that way. But I completely understand why you feel complicated emotions around this. It would be so lovely if you were closer in geographic proximity so Baby MPB and his brother/sister could see each other and grow up together a little more closely.
You’re a wonderful mom and your love for your son is so evident. Thank you for sharing your journey. ❤
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So damn complex and tough. I am wrapping you in a big hug.
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Wow. That’s certainly some big news to digest and process. I have mixed feelings about this, and all I’ve done is read your post and am not living it. Just know you have many people who support you and Baby MPB and I know you will support, guide and love him through this scenario now and in the future (whatever it may bring.)
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Wow. I’m sorry that this news has hit you so hard. I think I would feel similarly. I suppose it’s the side effect of open adoption. Whilst I think it’s great for your son that he’ll have a sibling, he’s sure to have complex feelings about it – particularly as you have an open adoption. I know adoptees who have bio siblings and there is usually some form of wondering why they were given away and their sibling was kept. So I can imagine you are worried for your son right now. It’s a tough one. I don’t even know if I have bio siblings. Part of me doesn’t want to know because then I’d have to face up to the fact that they were kept and I was not. I hope you can help your little one navigate this. And I’m sure that if he grows up with it as his reality it will be easier to cope with than finding out at a later date.
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Ah man, the complexity of all that just blows my mind. You are right, the hand you have been dealt does completely flipping suck. There is no way around it. I am not going to give up hope that somehow, some way, you guys might get a miracle sibling in your household for baby MPB. That is seriously fast turnaround for the birth mom. It is probably quite healing for her to be able to have a baby she feels she can keep too. I hope everything there works out smoothly and easily so the siblings can be in each other’s lives.
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Wow! How emotional for you! And how quick!!! Everything you feel sounds very normal…it would be hard to know how to feel completely when you know his brother will be far away and not living with you. I don’t believe your story is done being written. Cannot wait to see the good the future holds for you that you can’t see or suspect now. Hugs!
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You are such a good person. With so many thoughts and so much care…..i pray God gives you another baby beside baby you have now.
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Wow, my mind is reeling reading about this. I can’t imagine how you’re processing everything but as always you’ve displayed poise and maturity in how you’re talking about it and that is awesome.
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Gosh, I can see why this would be tricky for you. It just proves that, even after resolution, hearing pregnancy announcements remains complicated. Baby MPB is lucky to have a mom who is thinking first about what this news means for him and taking a course of action that will nurture his well-being as much as possible. ((hugs))
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This is really confusing. I completely understand your frustration. Going through this kind of parenthood is a big deal with a lot of considerations. I’m so glad you’re processing your feelings and letting yourself have them so you don’t express resentment, but you’re completely entitled to your feelings!
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