Black, White Or Shades of Grey?
I’ve been avoiding writing this post because I’m not sure how to write it. I’m not sure how to be politically correct and part of me feels like I shouldn’t need to address this. Yet, the world we live in means that this is a topic that I simply cannot hide from, no matter how much I may want to. So, here I am, once again trying to work through my thoughts. So, I guess I’ll just start writing and see where this goes….
Baby MPB may or may not be a mixed-race baby. Since I know you are thinking it, how is it that he may or may not be, isn’t it one or the other? Well, it’s just not that black and white. Literally. We know his birth mother and therefore know her race – she is Caucasian. And I’m not going to go into details on what we know/don’t know about his birth father, but I will say that it’s a lot more complicated and we aren’t completely sure about his race (among other things). We do know that Baby MPB may actually just be 100% Caucasian, but he may be 50% Caucasian and 50% “a”, but he may also be 50% Caucasian and 50% “b”. Clearly not simple. And, looking at Baby MPB doesn’t necessarily help solve this mystery. When you look at him, depending on the day, the lighting, the colour of his onesie, his skin tone can appear completely different. (As an aside, I think he might be part chameleon).
Since I will not share his picture, I will point out that there is a real possibility that Baby MPB is only Caucasian and simply isn’t as ghostly pale as I am, rather he has darker skin tones just like Mr. MPB does. Oh, and honestly, if Mr. MPB and I were to have a biological child they probably would be darker then me because 98.8% of the world’s population is darker then me. Honestly, both Mr. MPB and I are Caucasian yet our skin tones are completely different. It’s normal that we are not all carbon copies of one another.
I hate that these conversations seem to imply a preference for Caucasian. And when I say hate, I mean literally despise it with my entire being. While I realize this is part of the world we live in today, that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
And, we’ve discovered that people like to talk about Baby MPB’s race – for context I will point our that we have a predominantly Caucasian circle of friends and family in a predominantly Caucasian part of the world.
When we first considered adoption we had to choose races and race combinations that we were open to. As we feel this decision is incredibly personal we have NEVER discussed our selections with anyone in our real lives, and I’ve only ever touched on it once on my blog. The local adoption community warned us that if our child is of another race strangers would randomly approach us and our child to ask questions. We were also told that strangers would almost exclusively only approach me, the mom, or baby MPB directly when we would be out without Mr. MPB. Evidently people don’t randomly approach Dad’s and don’t ask questions when Dad’s are around (which has some interesting gender connotations but that’s a discussion for another day). But, anyways, this has not occurred for us. In fact, strangers often comment on how much Baby MPB and Mr. MPB look alike and the odd time they even say that Baby MPB looks like me.
Instead, much to our surprise, almost all the race conversations have been with friends and family who know he’s adopted. We get comments on how he looks “a” or has “a” hair or has “a” eyes. It seems like it’s always “a” this or “a” that with certain people in our lives. And, it’s constant.
It is driving me insane because I simply don’t understand why this is even a topic of conversation. It’s not like when I see a friend’s baby my first comment is about the colour of their skin, so why is that the case with our son? Heck, even with our friends who are in a mixed-race relationship and have produced mixed-race children, it’s not a conversation we have. We simply just talk about how adorable their kids are – there are no comments about how their daughters look “b”. So, why are these conversations occurring for us? Why do we have to talk about it every.single.time certain friends visit? Is it because these comments are all coming from white people who don’t understand that polite people don’t singling out someone for being a different race? Is it because they are racist? Is it because they really are just trying to figure out more about his biological family, which we have made it clear that we will not discuss?
I am trying to appreciate these conversations now because I’ll get more practice for when he’s older and will be part of these conversations. But, here’s the thing about these conversations, its hard to talk about because of the number of uncertainties and the lack of a concrete answer one way or another. And, more importantly, this isn’t our story to share. So, I’m always stuck in a world of vague answers. And when I get frustrated and am blunt in my response, people don’t seem to appreciate that either (probably because they realize they are asking inappropriate questions).
And, what does it matter what colour his skin is? And why should we even care if he’s 100% Caucasian, or 50% Caucasian and 50% “a” or 50% Caucasian and 50% “b”. Does it matter? Yes, I know in our society race does matter. But, for me, when it comes to my son, it sure as hell doesn’t matter to me. And, if it matters to others enough that they obsess over it, then how freaking sad is it that for them? And, if our friends keep talking about it obsessively now in the safety of our own home, how are we going to help him through his teenager years when other kids can be down right cruel to each other? I know that as two white parents we don’t get what he might face, and this scares me because I may not be the best at supporting him in the way he needs.
And, another part of me feels that this conversation is really all about his birth father. The situation with Baby MPB’s birth father is not nearly as simple, straight forward or positive as the relationship with his birth mother. I’m defensive of this because it’s not my story to share and it’s not fair to Baby MPB for me to share it. And so, we are firm in our decision that the details of this relationship are no-one’s business, and it is not something we feel comfortable discussing. We feel that this is part of his story that he can share one day, when and if he wants to. And, every time someone brings it up, I feel like I’m stating this again, a bit like a broken record. I’m wondering if people keep asking because they think eventually I’ll just cave and tell them?
I guess, as you can probably tell, this topic touches a nerve for me. I truly could careless what race my child is (or what race anyone in the world is for that matter). I don’t understand why this is a conversation in our lives, let alone a conversation that seems to be on repeat. I fear that these conversations will lead my son to believe that he is not as valued as a human being because he’s not white enough, and that thought alone breaks my heart.
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I can so imagine how frustrating to have to deal with this conversation. I have a friend who had to face similar conversations and whenever anyone made a comment about who/what her baby resembled she simply responded in an upbeat and firm voice ‘ actually he looks exactly like Brock’ (the baby’s name). For some reason it seemed to shut people up 🙂
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I love your approach! I am going to try this! 🙂
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Perfect response… 🙂
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I have had some people tell me A doesnt look like either me, my husband or G. I tell them yes, he is unique. And this is a biological baby thats hearing these comments. To add in to the mix, A has a way lighter skin tone than me, Mr and G. I find it offensive too. Esp when people say A is “fairer”. One “aunt”‘said he is such a fair baby, who is so “white” in your family?
So yeah, i hear you and its frustrating to know people see things other than cute cuddly smiles and awesome thigh rolls on babies n
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Thank you for sharing this! It’s honestly nice to hear that it’s really possibly not an adoption thing at all, just normal banter! As always, I so appreciate your two cents. 🙂
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My son is black. His dad and I are white. I have written lots about our struggle and I will say that in addition to all the frustrations you mention when people point to our differences it shines a light on things we don’t have answers to like (for us) who his birth father actually is, how hard it will be to be a black teen and adult vs other races, how everyone else can see a piece of themselves in their child and we can’t. Yes. I said it. I’ve Never said it out loud but I do envy people when they talk endlessly about how little Jonny has his daddy’s eyes or Suzy has her moms curly hair. I would give anything to meet and talk to my kids birth father. It’s really really hard to think that none of us will ever get to do that. (Our adoption is open with the birth mom.) not having him in our lives is a grief point for me. I know not every adoptive parent feels that way.
My point is when people ask you questions the discomfort could be coming from more than just one place. That’s okay. It’s all okay.
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Thank you for this reminder! You and mamalife above point out something really valuable for me – this might have nothing to do with adoption at all, and is just people being curious.
And, I also appreciate your honesty about your open adoption situation! We also have an open adoption and have no contact with the birth father at this point in time. Maybe one day, but not right now (long story behind this). And, like you, I would love to have that relationship.
And I also appreciate the comments about not seeing a piece yourselves in your child. It’s interesting because so many people comment on how our son looks like my husband – both people who know he’s adopted and people who don’t know like strangers who stop to admire the baby when we are out.
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Yes and it causes a lot of cognitive dissonance where the instinct is to immediately say, “well, actually…” But then having to remind yourself that you can’t be that open. Plus the added bonus of wondering why people feel the need to speak of it at all. Its exhausting for the emotions at a time when you are already so exhausted from caring for the baby.
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Race matters. It’s the first thing someone sees about a person, and pretending it doesn’t matter is coming from a place of white privilege. All of my kids are biracial and I live in a predominantly white area of town, so I get it, but if you make it this unspoken taboo subject then what kind of message are you sending the kid about who they are?
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But how do you stop unwanted people talking about a part of his life they know nothing about? They are not sure of his race. His mother is Caucasian and it sounds like there are complexities in the birth fathers story which is what is being protected for baby MPBs sake. Not really about hiding his ‘race’ or pretending it isn’t there. More protecting the complicated story behind it until baby MPB is old enough to decide to share that for himself…I am sure they will talk to HIM about his birth parents and the cultures/races they are from. But nosy bodies ‘guessing’ based on individualistic traits that can actually exist outside the race they are stereotypically associated with isn’t helpful surely?
I actually think this post is less about race and more about shutting down busybodies who are playing a guessing game in the hopes their curiosity about baby MPBs biological father is satisfied.
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If you find a way to shut down busy bodies, let me know! I don’t think a big long explanation of the details is necessary, a simple biracial will do in most cases. For my closer circle of friends, I just tell them what they want to know, dancing around the issue and refusing to talk about it seems like there is shame about the situation. No one will stop guessing or talking about it just because you want them to, they will just end up doing it behind your back.
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First, a clarifying point that I think might help – the comments are coming from people who know us, and have been entrusted with the basic details about the fact that we don’t know his race. In fact, we’ve shared what we know with them and they continue to bring it up. We are clear in what we will share, but what we wont – similar to how I wrote this post we’ve shared that he may be a or b, but not divulging the details on his birth father situation. So I do not for a second thing that we have made his race an off off limits subject or taboo.
Which is why in the circumstance I was writing about, I do tend to agree with sewingbutterfly, I think this has to do with busy bodies who want to know more about what we’ve told them is off limits which is his birth father situation. And, I cannot stress enough how we will protect this part of his story for the day that he wants to share it. Everyone may not agree with our approach, but we are firm in our belief that this is his story to tell should he want to.
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I’m glad to hear you weigh in on this since you have a lived experience with biracial kids. Race matters because we have decided as a society that it does, and wishing that it didn’t doesn’t do people of color any good.
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I completely agree! I have an entirely new perspective on race relations then I did a year ago – and I’m committed to doing my best to continue to learn and educate myself.
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You know…. I agree with this, that race DOES matter. I am white, my husband is white, my kids are white… And www love in white suburbia. We discuss race any time there is an opportunity, and my husband is very touchy to the term “white privilege” because he feels It’s “too negative” and will make our kids feel bad about being white. I totally support the “white privilege” verbage and use it, because that is precisely what it is. As you say, race is the first thing we all see which doesn’t mean we necessarily think to ourselves, “oh, she’s Black,” but maybe we do. And our kids may think that right away too, and I want them to understand what race does, and does NOT, mean. It is something to talk about, and talk about often.
I don’t think your friends, MPB, should be bringing it up all the time. That is rude. But comparing it to your mixed race friends kids is different because in that situation, you know the races involved and don’t wonder. People are just curious. I don’t even think they would care WHAT races make up baby’s beautiful skin tone, but they are curious. Truth be told, I’m curious. I find mixed races to be beautiful and have this image in my head of what baby MPB may look like. 😊 That doesn’t mean I’d ask more than once if we were IRL friend, but I likely would have asked once.
I do understand the irritation though. If you don’t want to talk about it, people need to drop it.
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I appreciate your thoughts Courtney, as always. I do have a new perspective on “white privilege” and absolutely do see how it exists in the world. It’s something I will acknowledge not paying much attention to before we decided to adopt, but adoption forced us to think of things outside of our day-to-day world. Which I am honestly thankful for, I think it has been a good thing.
As for Baby MPB specifically, I agree that people are curious. I respect that curiosity and don’t mind the odd comment/question – we get it and I’m okay with that. We have friends who like you have asked the question. And many make an assuption on what his race could be based on where in the USA he was born, and honestly, that’s totally fine by me. Honestly, just the other day we all laughed when my grandma said he looked like his cousin, because there is no way they even look remotely alike. That’s all cute and normal conversation.
It’s the obsessive comments from a few a people that I’m talking about today – literally I have 2 friends that every single time we see them, it feels like his race is all they talk about. They are good friends, who we’ve shared a lot of details with as we went through the adoption process, but now that we know more we’ve drawn a few lines in the sand. Which is why I think their questioning isn’t actually about race, but is about wanting to know about the birth father situation, which we’ve told them we wont discuss.
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Being not white, this is slowly helping me understand white privilege (even if it’s just the very tip of the iceberg). And I so appreciate your comment Courtney! I have to say, if you’re not white & it’s not stereotypically clear what you are, race questions will always be there. Most of my life the question, “what ethnicity are you?” usually comes up. It never occurred to me that it was an unusual question until I realized not everyone gets asked that. I do rarely get offended, when someone seems genuinely curious. When I was in college there was a part of me that even enjoyed seeming exotic (even though if a person were blind they would probably think I was a basic white girl…)
As for people who won’t drop the subject, at some point I would think you could ask them to stop trying to figure it out since there’s no way of knowing. If they’re close, it’s often best to be direct. They probably don’t realize they’re being super annoying.
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S, you are brilliant. First, you just gave me an idea of what Baby MPB may face, appearance as having a bit of an exotic look as he grows up.
And, I think you are right, at some point I am going to have to be blunt with these few friends who wont drop it. They are close friends, who we have been very open with, so I think they might be struggling with the fact that we aren’t being as open as they are used to. So, I may just have to be blunt and explain to them that the constant questioning is bothering me. And they will probably stop asking if I tell them exactly what I’m thinking.
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Well isn’t this the sticky subject! I teach critical race theory, and race/class/gender is my major area of personal, professional, and political interest and “expertise.” But, I don’t think you need or want that discussion here and now (you can always email me if you do want to talk more). So instead, I’m just going to offer a thought/idea that occurred to me while reading. It might be a particularly awesome idea for you guys to do one of those ancestry DNA kits for baby MPB. For someday. For the someday when he does want to know more about his roots. We all want to know “who we are” and where we came from, and maybe something like that would be a fun and non-threatening way to start those discussions. I think those kits are interesting because they show us things about ourselves we didn’t know, that got lost through the years and generations, and because in the end they show how “mixed” we all are and how much we all have in common. It might just be a way, someday way in the future, to “answer” questions that may never be truly “answerable,” with something that’s just fun and interesting.
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Thanks for your thoughts! As always, much appreciated. 🙂
I think one day the DNA kit could be interesting to do and I would fully support it. But, I also think I want that to be his decision to make, when he’s old enough.
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I would seriously do a lot of research about transracial adoption. You state that you don’t care what his race is, but you should, because *everyone* notices race, whether they admit it or not. You owe it to him to find some mixed-race peers for him that can share his experience. Because it really does sound like he’s mixed race and does not “pass” as white if this many people close to you are commenting on it. You need to be able to talk to him about race or find people who can and have him love and accept himself without pretending like it’s no big deal. I really recommend the work of Angela Tucker and the Donaldson Adoption Institute.
I am a white parent of black kids, and every decision I make incorporates that fact. Where we live, where we travel, and whom we associate with. We were able to find a black pediatrician, and when it comes time to pick schools we will make sure to find schools that have black educators and administrators as well as students. We seek out events where our kids will be in the majority. We’re lucky to live in a very, very diverse neighborhood and city, but I am already preparing myself for when we travel to predominantly white areas, because I know interactions will change. I’m preparing myself for the first time my children are called racist names and how I will handle that. I’m preparing myself for the first time my kids are harassed by cops or other authority figures. Race matters. Please do the work so you know how to navigate these situations if and when they arise.
Yes, I’d love a world in which everyone is treated equally regardless of skin tone and a million other factors, but that does not exist. We can’t pretend it exists, because if we do we harm our children.
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Thanks for your comment. I have a few thoughts, so I’ll write a bit of list to keep them all straight in my mind. 🙂
1.My point about me not caring is that I do not look at my son and first think about he is this race and therefore… I look at him as a child who should be happy and healthy and however I can make that happen is my goal. We are fully committed to ensuring he knows his roots – this is actually more then just race to us, we want him to know his birth family, his adopted family, his culture, etc.
2. I do actually follow Angela Tucker and I have done a lot of research and will continue to. This was actually a requirement of our adoption agency, and something they continue to help adoptive families be aware of. My husband and I research obsessively so this is actually just part of who we are and how we operate. I look forward to any opportunity to learn and help my son navigate the world, I feel that’s my basic job as his mother.
3. I tried to express this in my post, but I don’t think it came across well enough. Those who don’t know us and stop us when we are out (which happens frequently because people love babies) assume he is a product of my husband’s and my genetics – which means they assume he is Caucasian. They never even bring up race to us. These same people almost always comment on how Baby MPB looks like my husband. By comparison, those who do know us, and know what part of the USA he was born in, and know basics around the fact that we don’t know definitively what his race is, are the ones who obsess over his race. I find this dynamic interesting, and I also find it points to my perspective that we really aren’t sure if he’s mixed race or not.
4. We have a few long time friends who are a very similar combination of races that our son may be, so by pure chance we already have some individuals in our social circle. And they have children in the same age range as Baby MPB, which I think will be great as the kids grow up.
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Race does matter. For better or worse, it does. I think what you may be bristling at is the implication that depending on his racial mix, one outcome is better than the other. That is hooey.
I really like the idea of doing a DNA testing. You can choose to share this with family and friends, if you want to. But more than anything, it will help you frame up discussions you have with your son down the road.
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Yes, race does matter. And yes, you picked up on what I was getting at – depending on his race people will look at him differently. And that’s completely crap!
I think the DNA test idea is a great idea, but I want to do it when and if he wants to do it. I kind of feel like it could be a great thing when he’s 10ish and is asking questions – we could have a really good family discussion around it. And it could be fun for him to explore and learn. Rather then just having us tell him. Do you know what I mean?
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I can absolutely empathize with the internal debate you may have had writing this because I’ve had one in just responding! I really hope I’ve been sensitive enough…
It used to drive me absolutely nutty some days when the Vikings family became overly indulgent about how much the kids look like their family. Or how the world tends to interact with my son a lot more then my daughter which gets me to thinking about how thats going to impact her down the road as both a twin and a female, if that’s shaping her now, or if I’m entirely over thinking it. And as parents we always want to protect first. But I’ve found people just want to talk, connect, chit chat. They talk first and sometimes think second. It usually isn’t out of malice and I can definitely respect that the race discussion is far more sensitive then my experience (and also can understand if your son one day wants to know about his background/heritage/race). Canadians are generally pretty polite and by comparison I feel lucky to live where we do but unfortunately at times we’re also politely racist, politely ignorant, etc. And for me/hubs, it’s preparing our kids to handle tough situations with just enough sensitivity and strength. I’m not sure we are going to change the world but we can sure try and prepare our babies for it as best we can.
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You said three absolutely brilliant things:
1. “if that’s shaping her now, or if I’m entirely over thinking it” That could very well be me in this situation! And I am all about protecting certain parts of Baby MPB’s story, and his race is linked to his birth father story and I am very protective of this.
2. “people just want to talk, connect, chit chat. They talk first and sometimes think second. It usually isn’t out of malice” – you aren’t the first person to say this today and I really appreciate the reminder. Back to point 1, this conversation may be entirely innocent, but I’m being slightly mama bear in my annoyance about it.
3. “I’m not sure we are going to change the world but we can sure try and prepare our babies for it as best we can.” – yes, this is exactly what we are trying to do! And yes, Canadian are often pretty polite and politely racist, and politely ignorant. And that’s not a good thing in my mind.
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My sister’s little girl has very dark skin. Darker than her dad’s skin even. My sister is very fair skinned with light hair. When her baby was born, the nurse can into the room and thought she’d brought them the wrong baby because my niece looks entirely too dark to be their child. But she is 100% genetically theirs! So basically, recessive genes can come through and pigmentation shows up stronger in some people and at the end of the day it’s just really no ones business!
I understand why people are curious about baby mpb’s race but that’s just too personal to be asking questions about!
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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having a baby it’s that people will ask and say whatever comes to mind. Even some of the people I have thought of as being among my most educated and politically correct acquaintances have surprised me with their commentary. I know this must be extreme frustrating. I think it’s great that you are using these current frustrations as a way to learn how to navigate the conversations in the future.
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I guess I am going to face this from people If I have a child, as it will genetically be my husbands and he is not white. Of course we will not have this from family and friends which I think is somewhat worse. What I have experienced when I first started to date my husband is that people would ask ‘where is he from?’ and my response would be ‘The UK’ and they would say ‘Yes but where is he from?’….’THE UK!’. What they really wanted to know was his ethnic origin, maybe it was just out of interest but the preoccupation with his race annoyed me. As a mother, partner or friend etc we do not notice skin colour, we notice the person. The questions are so inappropriate and friends need to respect your decision and the fact that you are respecting baby MPB and his choice to tell his story if he should want to. As for strangers why would you focus in on this?! I am not sure how I will respond if faced with this. I know we have to accept this and that it is not meant to offend but still I know when it is a child I am going to feel even more protective than I do my husband!
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“So, why are these conversations occurring for us?” because they know you adopted and therefore (like all things alien) they just have to ask every single question possible about us, we have a mysterious past that must be filled with juicy stories. Set the tone – tilt your head with as much of a bemused look on your face and say “why do you ask” or if they don’t take hints well “why would you think you needed to know that”. If they are totally clueless switch to the tulip topic – about how beautiful they were this year…
Glad you aren’t doing the DNA testing – Canada does not have privacy laws in place to protect the person, and that’s a problem any way you look at it – unless you do it anonymously…
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How frustrating! Your son is perfect and yours and a dream come true – what else do people need to know about him other than he’s an answer to so many prayers? My son wears glasses and I’m stopped at least 2x a day with nosey strangers and it makes me crazy. I had a lady pray over him about his glasses while I was clothing shopping, no lie. Kudos to you for not screaming at your family…you’re a better woman than me! 🙂
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These are great questions. Keep learning, keep exploring your thoughts – this is a wonderful gift you are giving yourself and your baby by learning more about adoption, race, and how multifaceted white privilege is and how it seeps into the simplest and most innocent discussions. In the last 2.5 years of prep for our transracial adoption, I have become aware on a whole different level, as it seems you are doing too. I have found a lot of Facebook groups very helpful. I read a little each day and it slowly helps me really grasp a big world (right here in front of me) I am humbled to admit I knew hardly anything about. So many of my world views (politics, etc.,) are changing. So, just congrats on learning and keep going! Xo
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I can see how this would be frustrating! By the way, I love all the discussion this post has raised – it is a tricky subject to discuss on the Internet. There are many emotions it can draw up.
I had one thought that is not really about race per se, because it reminded me of my hubby’s family. People LOVE a mystery to solve…and yes quite frankly it is none of their beeswax! But they just can’t help it. My husband had very dark skin when he was a baby…I’ve seen the photos, he looked like he had Mediterranean skin when his parents and grand parents are as white as white, the rumour mill started and apparently there was some talk from one side of his family that his mother had an affair with a Spanish waiter to get pregnant. Chris jokes about it today, I ask him seriously if he would like to ever find out if that were true…but he said to me, ‘why would I want that? My dad is my only dad, he brought me up, loved me, cared for me, and that is all that matters to me’. But for me and others in Chris’s family it was a mystery to solve-and still is. We are busy bodies. I guess with baby MPB maybe there is an element of a ‘mystery to solve’? Or maybe, I’m also just talking out of my arse 😳!!!!
You are showing us that adoption definitely has its complexities….especially with the added issue that soon baby MPB will be understanding these conversations. and so you will need to know how to deal with this….I hope you find a way that’s comfortable for you and Mr MPB because it sounds like these questions/comments may not stop from your family and friends 😔 Wishing you strength!!!! X
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Yes to all of this! My husbands family has many deep dark secrets and I tend to go into super sleuth mode when the topics come up. I find it intriguing, and my husband DOES want answers but won’t ask questions. Hmmm..
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I think natural curiosity just makes people rude sometimes. I have no idea why it makes them completely misplace their manners but it sure does seem to! I honestly don’t think it is a judgement – at least for most people. 🙂
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People love to categorize. This is not even close to the same level, but it’s just another example of how people love categorization: when I walk our dog, who is an adopted mutt, people ALWAYS ask what breed she is, and when I say she’s a mutt, they always have to speculate on what type of breeds she’s a mix of. I think it’s mostly because she has a really striking coat and eye color and a ridiculously soft coat, so people are curious, but it used to drive me nuts. I would have almost word-for-word the same conversation on, like, every other dog walk, and I just got so sick of it. I know it’s just people’s natural curiosity, but it’s annoying. I can only imagine that it must be 1000x more annoying when it’s your baby than when it’s your dog — when you know the creature in question on so many levels of nuance, their breed (or ethnicity) seems so totally irrelevant, and yet it’s one of the first (and only!) things that other people wonder about. Of course, when it’s your baby, it’s also totally rude. But people are rude, and also they have a limited range of questions they think to ask about babies. Once you get past sex, age, and how well the baby sleeps, most other questions are totally rude (how are you feeding him, how did you deliver him, etc.), but people just don’t seem to notice or care. I hope it gets easier for you soon!
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I’m sorry that the same people are continuing to badger you about something that you not only don’t feel the need to give details about, but that you (or the birth mother, for that matter) don’t even know for sure yourself. I know that I asked you after you started sharing pics with me if baby was of another race, and I hope that you know it wasn’t because I was trying to be a busy-body at all…it was simply because I thought he was gorgeous and was curious about what made him such a beauty. (I hope that came out right, I’m having trouble finding the right words to say what I mean!) I in no way care what race he (or anyone, really) is. I agree with your statements/comments above that he will probably be one of those lucky people with that lovely exotic look that everyone else wishes they had! I’m in the same boat as you…pale white with practically no pigment lol!
Anyway…we all know that the world seems to put race before so many things that are so much more important. I do hope that things don’t become terribly rough or stressful for either you, Mr, or baby with this situation. I will say, that for some reason when it comes to pregnant women and babies, people in general seem to have no limits or filters with what they ask or say to you. I don’t understand why, as pregnant women and babies are people too, and the same general privacy guidelines should still apply. In any case, I would tend to agree with what a few others have already said…if it is a problem with a select few of your friends, you are probably going to have to outright tell them that it bothers you that they keep asking about it or commenting on it. Sorry for my rambling!
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I cannot reposted more right now but quickly want to say, no your question is not what I’m talking about here. I get the natural curiousity and asking once is totally fine. It’s the few friends who are constantly asking and talking about it that I was directing my thoughts at today. I’ll comment more later. 😊
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I thought so, and I was hoping I was right. You know that I never want to offend or upset you, and I hope that if I ever do that you would tell me. So no worries! *hugs*
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I can’t possibly add anything else to what every one else has said, but I know that we will be dealing with this issue very soon ourselves. Luckily, several couples from small group/church have also adopted different races so baby A will know others that may go through the same things as her.
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I don’t have any experience with this issue but I always admire your honesty and ability to eloquently approach difficult topics like this. I learn so much reading your posts. Thank for sharing and generating an open discussion. Your little one is one lucky guy)
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I feel like my sister could have written this post… She has two adopted children. When she brought her youngest home from the hospital, on the day after she was born, she appeared white. Her birth mother was white, she didn’t have any hair really, and her skin was pale. As the days, weeks and months went on we began to notice a darkening of her skin, and once she had hair, which was dark, thick, and curly, it was clear her birth father was not white. Certainly doesn’t matter to us, but I can’t lie, we were a little shocked, as we were led to believe both her birth parents were white.
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