Family Visit
Yesterday we had an impromptu mid-week family visit this week.
It turned out we had family in town from far far away. But, no-one thought to pre-plan anything or even tell us. So, with less then 24 hours notice, we found out we were having a mini family reunion at our house. Thankfully it was mid-day so I didn’t have to cook for everyone. And even better, Mr. MPB stayed up late the night before making some fresh baked goodies for everyone so we had an afternoon snack on hand.
It’s funny/odd/somewhat sad, because a year ago, no-one would even have bothered to phone us when they were in our city. In fact, my own parents often drove through without stopping to visit. Now, it seems as though everyone wants to visit – which I am 100% convinced is a direct result of Baby MPB. In fact, in the last few months my extended family has visited us more then they have since I moved out of my parent’s home 15 years ago.
It’s amazing how having a child suddenly made us a worthy stop and a visit.
I’ll admit, a large part of me loves that people are stopping by. I appreciate it because I want Baby MPB to know his extended family. And selfishly I also want to feel as though I’m part of a family, and I haven’t really felt that way since my mom and sister died.
But if I’m being honest, this also makes me a bit sad. I spent so many years hurting because family would be in our city and not bother to visit with us. We don’t live very close to any of our family, so it takes effort, time and money to visit. We were always expected to visit everyone else. And, on more then one occasion family members where within 5 minutes of our house and we didn’t find out until a week or two later. Every single time this happened, I was devastated. I longed to matter to them in the way that they mattered to me. Then, as we started trying to build our own family (rather unsuccessfully), I pulled back. Instead I decided to focus on the family I wanted to build with Mr. MPB. And so I stopped trying to create relationships with individuals who weren’t invested in being co-participants. I stopped opening myself up to being hurt, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
So now, I sit here and It just seems a bit disheartening to once again realize that I never really mattered when it was just me. And even now, I know I’m not the one they are visiting.
But, I will admit, it breaks my heart thinking about what if we never had a child. We almost didn’t – there was a time when we were very serious about no longer trying the old fashioned way and not adopting. There was a time when we were very close to choosing and embracing a childless life. I know I cannot live in the what if space, but honestly, when it comes to my extended family, I do wonder sometimes.
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That must be so hard to deal with. The mix of emotions. Happy baby MPB has inspired this but sad it took him inspire it. Pretty unfair. Hugs to you
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Thanks my friend. Yes, it’s nice to see that our family is accepting Baby MPB, but also sad that this is what it takes.
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I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this for years. You’ve experienced so much heartache that it’s no wonder you pulled back, especially when feeling unsupported. Good for you for working on your wonderful little family and still being gracious enough to host. Sending hugs.
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Thanks RJ for your kind words and understanding.
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I have found the exact some to be true. Before Chick, our weekends were delightfully free. Now there is *always* some familial obligation. I realize now these were going on, but we weren’t invited.
Unlike you, however, I don’t love this. It makes me mad, because the implication is that when we didn’t have a child, we weren’t worth being around. Having a child shouldn’t make you any more or less part of a family. That’s part of the reason I see my “real” family as those people who like me with or without kids. I’d rather see them than so-called family members who only like me when I have a baby.
Anyway… I’m happy that you’re happy with this turn of events, and that Baby MPB is getting to know everyone!
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Oh let me be clear, I don’t like it. I’m just trying to make the most of it for Baby MPB’s sake. And I think part of this is related to the fact that we were so afraid he wouldnt be accepted by some of our family because hes adopted thay its really nice to see that he is being accepted. And, we don’t have weekly extended obligations, that would drive me mad.
I’m like you, I work on and other effort into my chosen family – those who love me for me. Those people are the ones that truly matter.
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I could have written this myself. It is so hurtful. Now that E has been around for awhile, 10 months, we are slowly returning to the status quo. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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Hmm mmmm….I’m sorry you get this and even sorry to see that you are returning to the status quo.
But thanks for the heads up, I’m curious if we will see the same thing happened over the next few months/year. For some reason I suspect we may.
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I oscillate between being really hurt and angry to complete apathy. It is always frustrating, though. Mostly, I’m just sick of it.
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we are childless and guess what? in front of us, family photos were taken at my husband’s younger brother’s first baby’s birthday… we werent even asked to step into the family photograph.
my parents would never do such a thing and they havent. its his family that does this to make him feel agitated enough to leave me .
Just be glad baby MPB has been accepted well. and even if the extended family didnt accept him – you should really not bother about such people because BABY MPB CHANGED YOUR LIFE FOR BETTER and the family people didnt care when he wasnt around.Kindly dont hurt yourself because of others. I have been hurt by such people terribly and one of the reasons why we havent been able to adopt yet is “family accepatnce issues” 😪
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It’s been very similar for me with my dad’s family. They’re local, but they never used to include me in things. Now that baby is here, suddenly I get invited to everything. I actually find myself making more of an effort, too. Sometimes I get a little pang when I think about it, but it feels good that my daughter will have a connection with them. I want that for her.
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Sometimes it takes a common denominator (Baby MPB) to bring people together.
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I can really relate to this, as I chose to live in another country and so rarely family bothers to visit, even though they have the time and money for it. I often worry that if we end up childless, we won’t really belong to our families anymore (especially mine). Glad to see your relationships with your family have improved. Hugs
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I agree. Its very sad to think those who choose or live a childless life arent recognized by some as much as those with children.
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Babies do seem to bring families together. I know this is def the case for our extended family. It is unfortunate that it takes that but the blessing that it is is also nice. I can see how this stings for you though.
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Sounds like that would be really tough with mixed emotions. I have a tiny bit of that with a certain family member and I understand the feeling of wanting to be close but now noticing the effort only started now that I am pregnant. I was interesting before my pregnancy, I want to say! 😉 Hopefully with time they will keep making consistent effort and it will feel better for you as you’ll be able to count on their support.
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I completely understand what you feel the way you do. It is awful that your family left you out of so much when you were a family of two. What they’re doing now, while understandable, would make me angry if I was in your shoes. Hopefully one day the resentment will fade, but for now these feelings are totally justified. *hugs*
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Try to not think about what if, and what was….as someone who does not have a child, I always hear of family passing through, weeks later. I am not married either, so it stings to say the least. Enjoy the time, with your families, and your sweet boy, soak it all up….he will grow up way to fast.
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Oh sweetie, I’m sorry! It just breaks my heart that they make you feel this way.
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“It’s amazing how having a child suddenly made us a worthy stop and a visit.” THIS! I know exactly how you feel. Both my brothers have children and they will often organise to get together and Hubby and I are never invited. They have taken their children out together and when I found out I said, “I’m so disappointed, I would have loved to go with you” one of my brothers said, “well it was just for the kids, the adults didn’t really get much out of going”. I responded, “It’s not about that, it is about spending time with you all and seeing the kids experience that, next time I hope you invite me”… spoiler alert… they didn’t 😦
I have definitely had the thought, ‘Why aren’t I enough?’
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I’m so sorry… My dad has only met my daughter once, and not that gifts really matter, but she has nothing from him, not one single thing. Makes me sad.
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