Yesterday’s Post

  Posted on April 28, 2016 By

 60 Comments

I have 4 very clear rules about commenting on my blog:

  1. Respect
  2. Support
  3. Polite
  4. Positivity

Ultimately, My Perfect Breakdown is my blog and I reserve the right to moderate comments.  I firmly believe in making the world a better place, encouraging people and lifting up those who are struggling for any reason.  And so, as the keeper of my blog, it is my right to censor when needed.

While I despise the thought of pandering to negativity, but after the events in my comment section yesterday I feel the need to.  Yesterday, I approved someone’s comment that probably shouldn’t have been.  While I absolutely do not agree with them, I approved it because I am not opposed to respectful dialogue.

However, after the first comment, once challenged by other respectful bloggers, the tone appeared to quickly change and the future comments became mean and hurtful (I will not justify anything that was said with specific responses).  All I will say, ironically enough, this commentor did exactly what I was talking about – judge me very negatively for not breastfeeding particularly with their very last comment.  This all happened while I was away from technology and unable to prevent the continued comments from appearing.

As far as I’m concerned this is unacceptable on my blog.

So, first, I want to apologize for allowing these comments on my blog.  I do not believe in spreading hurt and hate. Unfortunately once I read everything I feel the majority of the comments yesterday were being hurtful and mean.  This is simply not the type of site I want to have, no-one deserve to read these types of things.  As far as I’m concerned these comments while directed at me, aren’t just about me as a mother or a human being – I’m confident in our family decision to formula feed and I am confident that I’m a pretty good mother most days and my husband is an amazing father.  What worries me and upsets me the most about the comments is their impact on other women who are struggling with their personal circumstances who read my blog as a source of support, understanding and compassion.  As far as I’m concerned no-one ever deserves to be put down, especially when they may be struggling.  And so, I’m sorry for exposing others to these hurtful comments.

Second, thank you to the amazing individuals who stood up to this person and for women like me.  A few of these amazing individuals even sent me personal emails to check in with me.  Your friendship, support and compassion is truly amazing.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Third, as I’ve stated before, if you choose to make these types of comments on my blog, I will ban you.  Once you cross the line (as determined by me), your future comments will be filtered and immediately deleted without me even reading them.  I simply do not have the time or desire to fill my mind and heart with such cruel negativity.

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 Category: Adoption, Baby, Blogging, Parenting      Tags: , , , , , ,

60 Comments on “Yesterday’s Post”

  1. Wow. Damn. I’m sorry I missed yesterday’s brouhaha because I certainly could have chimed in in your defense. I did not induce lactation for my son and for many of the reasons you shared. These arguments about breastfeeding vs formula feeding are the epitome of first-world problems – how about we just focus on feeding babies. Period. Hugs. You know, I almost wished someone had said something to me during my son’s infancy so that I could have put them in their place 😉

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  2. Bravo. But this just reaffirms my frustrations with the judgement surrounding breastfeeding. I too will be an adoptive mother who cannot breastfeed. Even when we tried to carry, my heart meds would be in the breast milk. Breast feeding was never an option for me and I applaud your post from yesterday. I don’t believe formula makes me less of a woman. Keep on, keeping on.

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  3. I had to go back and see what was said! It’s disgusting that women turn on each other like that and can be so judgemental about each others choices. As long as your child is getting all the nurtition he needs who cares where it comes from!
    All these research papers you see that talk about the difference between breast and formula are very often swayed to back one arguement over the other. If you look hard enough you will always find a paper somewhere to support what you want to believe. There are alwasy going to be pros and cons for each side of the arguement and at the end of day all you can do is make an informed decision that suits you and your childs needs.

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  5. Just catching up. What a sad individual. She (assuming it actually is a she. Who really knows who is hiding behind a keyboard) is obviously very unhappy in her life and feels she needs to bring others down to pull herself up. Sadly, as another blogger suggested, all the magical breast milk in the world won’t protect her child(ren) from the hate, hostility and narrow mindedness in their lives. Baby MPB will almost certainly be raised a better person and you should be very proud of that.

    My mum said her biggest regret was trying so hard to breastfeed me when it just didn’t work. She said she could tell the stress she was under when nothing worked was felt by me as a baby and made me more anxious. She has made me promise not to listen to the breast is best militants and to focus on giving my child the most calm, loving environment possible. At the end of the day, a fed baby is a happy baby. End of.

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  6. I missed all of the comments yesterday…probably a good thing? I hate all of the judging that seems to go along with the breastfeeding/formula decision. What happened to the right to decide? I watched my friend struggle to try breast feed and the stress, guilt and tears that went a long with it. I would not be made to feel guilty for making a decision that is the right one for me and my baby (if it happens!). I would like to breast feed yes definitely but if it became too difficult and stressful for all involved that is fine too, no one is left damaged by being bottle fed and its great for Baby and Dad too. Anyway good for you speaking up! Your blog and it is always positive and supportive. I am so glad everyone had your back yesterday too, great women. 🙂

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  7. The amount of open judgment out there is frightening. Like I’ve said many times, everyone judges – it’s human nature. But to spread that judgement… No. That’s never ok. Even if someone asks, you need to be kind in your delivery and not criticize the other opinion.

    Breastfeeding is just that major topic that makes women edgy and defensive. And we’re all defensive of the choice we made because there’s always someone out there judging. If you breastfeed, you’re judged for how long you do it and how hard you “tried.”. If you use formula, well, we all know how that goes. If you do both, you’re confusing your kid’s system. No matter what you do, it’s wrong to someone. Oh well.

    Things got though yesterday. I was worried about you.

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  8. I have no idea what the drama was yesterday – I often don’t read other comments people leave, I just don’t have time. But I did use the “f” word in my comment and I really hope my comment isn’t one of the ones you thought to be negative.

    I love your blog, your heart, and reading all about your journey to – and now in – motherhood.

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    • Oh lindsay you are never one of the bad ones, ever!!! You are an amazing women and an inspirational mother and friend.
      There was only one person yesterday who was spreading negativity and I drew the line when formula feeding was compared to second hand smoke exposure and I was called a bad mother.

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  10. I would have had your back – I plan on breastfeeding personally, but that’s my decision to make and not my responsibility to push any agenda onto anyone else. FED is Best! Keep on keeping on however that suits you and your kids best and screw what the other people say

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  11. I missed the comments when they were happening in real time, but I went back this morning and read them all and was HORRIFIED. I get that it’s her opinion, and we’re all entitled to that, but geez, read the room, lady.

    I would never deny any mother the right to make her own decisions on what to do for her children, but I will NEVER understand how someone could be so judgmental. Everyone’s situation is unique, and the bottom line is the best thing for your family could be totally different for someone else’s.

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  12. I get you on this. I’ve had people like that on my blog and I now don’t want to give them the time of day. I think there is always room for healthy debate (Courtney!! Always makes her points in a thought provoking and respectful way which is why I listen to her!) but just b*tching for the sake of it is stupid.

    Also on breastfeeding I really had never heard of adoptive mothers inducing lactation until recently. I’m fairly sure that’s not what WHO is talking about when they recommend breastfeeding. (I have no wish to get further into the breastfeeding debate so I’ll stop now!)

    Like honestly, we would tell you if you were being stupid. Well, I would and Courtney would at least! 😂

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    • Yes, healthy and respectful debate. Not everyone has to agree with me (in fact it would be weird if everyone did). But being respectful is a basic courtesy as far as I’m concerned.
      And yes, I know you and Courtney will always respectfully tell me if you don’t agree. And while you may not always change my mind, you will get me thinking things through in a new light. And that’s never a bad thing!
      As always, thank you Nara! You are a beautiful person and I respect your opinions.

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  13. You were right for approving her comments. It proved your point of ignorance being out there. That woman was everything you were talking about. You are incredibly strong for putting yourself out there and taking it head on.

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  14. You have no idea how many four letter words I want to use right now. I had no idea all of that went down yesterday, but I just can’t BELIEVE the nerve of some people. The anonymity of the internet is SUCH a nightmare sometimes. (My wife is actually dealing with an anonymous online bullying thing with students at her school right now, too!)

    My biggest wish for humanity is that we could all learn to just respect each others’ decisions when they don’t have an effect on us. How you feed your baby or how I feed mine is of no consequence to anyone else. I put myself through HELL to breastfeed (the equivalent of inducing lactation because I wasn’t producing milk!) and it completely overshadowed everything for those precious first weeks (hell, months) of my baby’s life. I will NEVER get those hours back. I will NEVER get over the 8x a day that I had to put my newborn baby aside so I could chain myself to a freaking boob vacuum. And I did it all because of people like the woman yesterday who are just out to make everyone feel bad about every choice they make as a new parent.

    I wish moms could just learn to cut each other some slack and keep their mouths shut. We all deserve that much from each other. Our babies are this huge common ground we all have with one another and you’d think that would BOND us rather than DIVIDE us. We are better than this bullshit. We really are. (OK–sorry for swearing, but really, that’s precisely what this it is.)

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  16. I just read the commentary and am seriously disgusted by ‘Nancy’. I sincerely hope you did not take anything that awful woman said personally. She was incredibly hurtful and from everything you have blogged about- you are making informed decisions for the benefit and well being of your son. How dare she judge you in regards to how you feed and your mental health. Your blog has served as a safe haven and support for many and how dare this woman compromise that. Once again- I am so sorry that lady felt the need to stand on a soapbox and judge you.

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  17. Hopefully you were ok my retort 😉 Although her continued negativity initially made my blood boil, again, I decided against adding more oxygen to that ignorant fire. But know that I wanted to use the most profanely, unCanadian and uneducated words known to man with her.
    Glad you ok today 🌷

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  19. I actually read most of the comments yesterday. I wanted to send you an email or comment but I hadn’t gotten around to it. What I thought was interesting was that said commenter came back and continued to be a bully, in my honest opinion. You don’t need that negativity on either end. Some people are just incredibly insensitive.

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  20. I am sorry, I hate it when people tell me breast is best. It somehow makes me feel little because I am facing an uphill battle gettig A to have formula. He rejects it and my milk doesnt suffice .every 2 hrs we have a drama with an array of tubes etc. Its painful and hurtful. i am sorry for being rude on your blog.

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    • You weren’t rude at all!!! At least in my opinion! I adore your comments and your friendship.
      And I’m sorry A is struggling. I hope you can find the right solution that is best for him and you asap. Sending so much love your way my friend.

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  21. I don’t understand folks who seem to thrive on crushing other people. Are their lives so tiny and inconsequential? Kindness costs nothing extra. I’m a fairly new reader to your blog but I just wanted to add to the chorus. That poster was completely out of line. Your family is thriving, and I look forward to continuing to hear about it. =)

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  22. I’m really surprised that someone would even make a comment like that – you very clearly explained that YOUR choices were best for YOUR family. What about people who can’t breastfeed. I remember going to a pre-birth class and they focused almost exclusively on breastfeeding – I was shocked, I had recently been diagnosed with a BRCA-1 mutation so I’m at increased risk for breast cancer and if I hadn’t gotten pregnant I would have had a mastectomy and all my babies would definitely have been bottle fed.

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  23. I tried to breast feed for 8 weeks… my milk never came in.

    After she was born, the hospital pushed to breast feed and as a result Lili ended up back in the hospital when she was 5 days old because she was getting nothing from me. I was literally producing just drops. She was an excellent latcher, I just wasn’t producing. One of the lactation consultants told me it could be psychological on my part. Multiple losses can prevent breast milk from coming in. I haven’t done any research on it, but I suppose it makes sense. If you protect your heart for so long and can’t accept that the baby is really here maybe milk never kicks in? Not sure. But it’s possible you could have never produced (like me) and you would have felt like a horrible mom (like me). I’m sorry you got back lash, I didn’t see it. My baby is a happy, healthy 7 month old… and she is formula fed.

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  26. So sorry you had to deal with any negativity. I remember my Facebook days….banning and deleting people. I finally just deleted my Facebook. Best choice I ever made. With that being said, I look at the blogging community as being “better”. Better than the likes and the offensive posts that are so easy to share on FB. I’m sorry you had to experience that yesterday. Kudos to banning said person. 🙂

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  27. Some things never change, 17 years ago when I became a mom I first encountered the breast feeding militants. Mt experience with my first two children was not positive nor pleasant when I attempted and was successful breastfeeding. This time around, older and more confident, I chose what was best for our family. I pumped exclusively and bottle fed for four weeks, and was done with it. You see everyone is different in how they feel, and how they experience feeding their baby. Nobody is wrong as long as baby is fed and satisfied. I applaud you for considering all aspects, and for taking into account your mental health. More should. The high incidence of post partum isn’t helped by the guilt, pressure and lack of sleep us moms are under. My own decision once decided, resulted in a much different experience for me this time. I enjoyed our new baby so much more in the early weeks, as did everyone else. You are a wise and thoughtful woman and mother. Your dialogue is honest, and as evidenced by many, very appreciated and respected.

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  28. Just caught up on the events of yesterday. Whoa. Sorry you have to deal with all that. I think you are doing great. Keep doing what you’re doing and I hope you don’t let nasty, ill-informed & judgy comments get you down. x

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  29. I wonder if “Nancy” spends as much time, vitriol (and money?) doing things that might support her agenda more thoroughly than judging an adoptive mother for not inducing lactation. Like, say, advocating for paid parental leave or ensuring women have access to high quality pre natal care? Somehow, I doubt it.

    Women like that make me feel embarassed to breastfeed, because I think we get conflated with that kind of intense, badgering rhetoric. I am SO SORRY you experienced that response. It’s bullshit. You are doing such an amazing job with baby MPB!

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  31. Wow. I am just reading through the comments from yesterday, and I am appalled to be a female right now. Why is it that some of us feel such a need to put others down to make ourselves feel good? And by some of us, I mean one of us, who, in the end is representative of a great many out there. If it’s not about breastfeeding, it’s about something else that really doesn’t matter in the big picture called life. Be kind, ladies, for everyone you know is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

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  33. Oh my gosh, how awful! I totally missed all that. I wish I’d seen the blogger involved so I could look out for their comments with caution in future. I think you’ve made the right choice and fully support you – in both how you moderate your blog and how you feed your baby xx

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  34. The one thing nobody is thinking of is…. what if you went through all the work of inducing lactation…. and little man didn’t want to nurse? Or couldn’t? At the end of the day, it’s not all up to the mom and it’s not just as easy as popping out your boob and the baby eating. Some babies don’t want to or can’t. And yes, some women exclusively pump and feed but with induced lactation, I’m not sure that would even be an option as the breast aren’t really in the groove for making milk at that time anyway. And furthermore, with the international travel and so on, that option would have been far from feasible! So maybe some people need to realize, breastfeeding isn’t just about the mom’s choice. The baby has a say too. And chances are that baby may have said no. And that would have been DEVASTATING after all that effort.

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  35. MPB…I am at a loss for words after catching up on all of this. I won’t even give the time of day to anyone who has commented negatively towards you…what I will do is praise you. You are a light in this community. I consider you one of my sisters. And I will fight tooth and nail to protect my sisters. A random comment that is ignorant, based on that persons own selfishness and lack of empathy…believe me, I have had my fair share of those too. But they will never understand. I wrote a post about that a while back and it has freed me from those that will never be as strong as us. That would never have the courage that we do…the choices we have had to make or have been forced to make. You, my friend, are an inspiration to many…and keep doing what you are doing…spreading joy with your life and adoption of your miracle little boy. After all you have been through, the only think you deserve is support….and kindness. What a world it would be if we all spread kindness instead of judgement and hate….love you my friend….xoxo

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  36. But it is just so *sigh* wrong. There are some minor scientific benefits to breastfeeding. But you can’t look at toddlers and tell which is which. I was a formula fed, premature, c-section delivered, non coslept, sleep trained, non baby worn child. Can you tell? No, you cannot.

    Even some breastfeeding advocates are no longer using the phrase breast is best. Because the studies only indicate small benefits. They are saying breastfeeding is preferred instead.

    I am only 10 weeks and already on my birth month forum there are arguments about planned c-sections, co-sleeping and exercising in pregnancy. It makes me so sad 😦 mums just need support. If they want to breastfeed, induce lactation etc, mums should have all the supprt they need. If they choose formula, they should be given advice and support about that.

    People like the commenter make me sad. They are the reason that my mother didn’t enjoy the first 2 months of my life. The reason my sister feels incredible guilt for not getting skin to skin straight away (emerg c-sect, under general).

    There was also an article from a feminist perspective that says the natural birth/breastfeeding issues were just another way society controls their bodies. I didn’t agree with some of the stuff but it was a really interesting perspective and I hadn’t thought about it that way before.

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  37. Oh MPB! I missed all of that drama and my heart just goes out to you. That attack was vicious and literally brought tears to me eyes. I’m glad you left it up, so that it can serve as an example of how NOT to behave. Never doubt yourself or your worth as a mother. And though I don’t know you, i sincerely admire you. As wonderful as social media is in connecting women with each other, it can also create these toxic environments. I’m sorry you had to deal with this and I admire your poise in dealing with this awful person.

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    • To note- you handled it way better than I did when someone came onto my blog and commented on one of my posts when I was experiencing bleeding with my last pregnancy that I was and I quote: “an ungrateful bitch who deserved to lose my baby.” I cried and locked my blog. So like I said, so much respect for you mama. You are awesome!

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      • If some bitch told you, you deserve to lose your baby, that person is not human or rather a murderer who thinks its ok for babies to die. I do not follow your blog, so dont know your story but I do hope from the bottom of my heart that you are doing good and happy.

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      • I appreciate you for saying that and it was particularly awful considering this was an IVF rainbow pregnancy after a stillbirth. It really was viciously mean comment for no reason. It’s the first time I’ve been on the receiving end of such hate and it’s not an experience I’m keen on repeating or watching anyone suffer, especially someone as kind and supportive as MPB.

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  39. Wow. I missed the drama. But feel assured that you are mom, and make decisions YOU feel are best…regardless of how anyone may feel about them, they are YOURS to make.
    I function in one open and one closed adoption. In my open one, I’ve had moments when the birthfamily has questioned my decisions. One time, it was using baby food from the store vs making my own. I simply replied “millions of mom’s use Gerber…I was a Gerber baby, and I’m healthy.” I felt taken a bake by the criticism, but also strong in my ability to make my own choice. Kudos to those who have time and patience to do things like that…I am not one of them.
    Breastfeeding and bottle feeding are similar types of choices.

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  40. I had to go back and read, and I am so upset on your behalf. Clearly this woman knows NOTHING about you and NOTHING about losing pregnancies and babies. I can’t even. I’m so sorry you had to read those words.

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  41. Wow…I read your post I think as soon as it went up, and didn’t go back to it, so I have no idea what all the fuss was about, but I’m probably glad I missed it! Seeing babylossmama’s comment above, I don’t think I have it in me to even go look at what was said. I’m sorry that someone made upsetting comments and that it also upset others. I wish people could just be nice on here :-/

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  42. O. M. G. I just caught up on this. Your child. Your choice. Not my or anyone else’s business how you choose to raise your child. I am so sorry. Argh! I wonder what she would think of me raising my son without a father.

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  43. 1st- i just wanted to say, i am sorry that this happened. I didn’t go back & read the comment. I might not be nice if I do. Because, really, I think your awesome. Also- our babies are really close in age. I’d lose my shit if someone blantanly judges me for formula feeding. Guess what, I am feeding my baby. He isn’t starving and he doesn’t projectile vomit or scream bloody murder directly after eating anymore.

    2nd- Life is hard enough. Why should I struggle to feed my baby, make my emotional state worse than it already is, and my baby STARVE? When I could just give my baby formula? I struggled for way too long, which I am sure really helped my PPD, when the Pediatrician finally said “Feed your baby. I don’t care how, you just have to feed him. ” Bless that Doctor.

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  44. Just went back and read the comments….and I am shocked to say the least. She is just a troll – anonymous and tearing you down in order to make herself feel strong. Not the kind of person who deserves anyone’s time…but it still hurts never the less. Thank you for leaving it up as a reminder to all of us to always be kind to each other – infertility is hard enough all its own the last thing we need is to tear each other down. Baby MPB is blessed to have found your home, where you care for, love and nurture him (Fed is best!). I’m sorry someone so miserable spouted off their bogus opinions in such a cruel way but you handled it beautifully!

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  45. I just went back and read all the comments – You are brave and wonderfully smart to leave Nancy’s comment up. She looks like a complete fool, I’m sad for her. I hope one day she will realise how hurtful she was to you and many other women and be utterly embarrassed.
    I read a quote today that sums up what I believe about the fine line between debate and internet trolls…
    “I will respect your opinion as long as your opinion doesn’t disrespect anyone else’s existence”

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  46. Wow I had no idea you had an unfriendly post as I’m not really a comments reader. I had to go back and read. I think your rules are incredibly necessary as we are all hear to build each other up and support each other through our journeys. There is no room for negativity surrounding our journeys as they are incredibly painful and already foster negative feelings we are all trying to cope with. Sending you love and I want to reaffirm that I think you’re doing a fantastic job and I’m so happy for you!

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  48. Being a parent is SO much more than the decision of how to feed your baby. It’s a decision to make a life long commitment to love your child and do the very best you can, with what you’re given, to ensure your child can grow, learn and be a good person. You and your husband have exceeded all of these things already and I have no doubt you will continue to do that for the rest of baby MPB’s life.

    Not that you have to defend yourself to us or “Nancy,” but please know that we all know what a wonderful mother you are. Anyone else who questions that clearly has so many problems themselves and they build themselves up only by tearing others down. That is NOT what I want my children to grow up and be. To me, THAT is the worst case scenario for my children.

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  49. I really tried to hear her out. I really did. Maybe she had a good reason for being so hard up on her point of view. But then she called you a bad mother and all credibility went out the window. Courtney said it best. If she had been in your shoes she wouldn’t open her mouth. I can only imagine she’s had no problem breastfeeding and can’t put herself in your position and therefore lacks empathy. That makes me sad for her. Empathy is wonderful.

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  50. Oh no! I totally missed all that drama but I hope that you’re doing okay and that no one else was made to feel bad about how they feed their child by this person. Thankful for all the wonderful Infertility Sisters that had your back (and all of ours) while you were away from technology. Lots of love, my friend!

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