Think Before You Speak
If I have one piece of advice to everyone in the world it would be to think before you speak. Specifically, do not ever tell an adoptive mom (or any mother who does not breastfeed for any reason) that they should go to a lactation consultant to “fix” their problem. Seriously. Just don’t say it.
Especially don’t say it when you know their story. When you know that they went through hell to have their child.
Because of someone’s insensitivity, I ended up having to re-live our experiences yet again. I didn’t have the courage to call this person out on her insensitivity, so once again I was left thinking to myself:
I always assumed I would breastfeed my child(ren). I also assumed I would be able carry a living child to term, not once in my life did I ever imagine a doctor telling me that I will never have a child compatible with life without significant intervention. Oh, and I also assumed that I would never end up saying goodbye to five lives that my body could not sustain. Nore did I ever think I’d end up in an operating room having emergency surgery to remove what was my child from my body and then less then a year later that I’d be in another clinic terminating yet another a baby’s life to save my own. I also innocently assumed that having our son wouldn’t require another mother to entrust us with her child.
Oh, and I don’t think this is a “fix” kind of situation. I couldn’t “fix” recurrent pregnancy loss regardless of the random advice people gave us – it turns out sexual position and pineapple cores are not cures. And guess what, I cannot “fix” that I am not breast feeding, nor do I think this needs to be fixed. I’m not broken, nor is my son.
Honestly, when will people realize that life simply doesn’t work the way we expect and some of us are doing the very best we can with the situation at hand. In fact, I’d say the last thing I should be told today is that I need to be fixed.
And it’s just insane and cruel that there are people out there who choose to help others by telling them that the way they feed their child isn’t good enough. And it is completely unacceptable under essentially any circumstance that someone that formula feeding makes them a horrible mother. Yes, if I were hitting my child, or leaving them outside in the snow or leaving them in a parked car on a hot day, then yes, tell me I’m horrible (and arrest me and take my child away). But, tell me I’m horrible for feeding my child a healthy food, that’s nothing short of insane.
I know their is immense pressure in our society to breast-feed. I know that’s the trend these days. But, honestly, come on.
And please, tell me, what else am I supposed to do? My body did not go through pregnancy and therefore did not have the hormones available to produce breast-milk. I made a conscious decision not to try to induce lactation, I just couldn’t bear the thought of failing another baby and I knew the potential consequences to my mental health were too great. As we were travelling internationally and without advance warning it’s not like I could ask a friend for their excess milk to bring with us, and no breast-milk donation centers were willing to provide to our adopted baby.
So, I ask, would I be a better mom if I chose not to feed my son in the absence of breast-milk? Would I be a better mom if I risked my own mental health in an attempt to force lactation and ended up under psychiatric care for months?
No, I wouldn’t.
I love my son just as much as any mother out there. I’d even be willing to say that I love my son more then some other mother’s out there. And, the fact is, he is well fed and healthy. He is thriving. That’s all that matters.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 
Ofcourse people are idiots! But sweetie, there will be tonnes out there who wikl be ready to provide so called helpful advice.
Once the exclusive milk phase is over, you will be questioned to why you chose to or not baby wear, why you arent making your own purees blah blah blah.
So dont take it on you to justify why you choose to do or not do something.
As I said, people sometimes forget the head is above thr mouth to think before speaking. U dont relieve your pain for some foolish person.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can’t believe someone said that to you, I’m so sorry. People are really incredibly uninformed about breastfeeding and formula, it’s so frustrating (and hurtful, in some cases). I’m sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This makes me ill. I can’t even fathom why in the world someone would say that to you, ESPECIALLY when they know the story behind your son!! I would have lost my mind on them, and then completely cut them out of my life. There’s no reason for someone to speak to you that way. I don’t understand the whole trying to force moms how to raise their kids thing these days. Obviously moms know the facts and recommendations, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out, for whatever reason. This is what I’m most scared of when this kid comes out…all the crap I’m going to have to hear from everyone else about the best way to raise MY baby. And I don’t keep my mouth shut, so I know very well that I will go off on people, unlike you who keeps it together most of the time. If someone is raising their child to be happy and healthy, then it shouldn’t matter what they are fed or where they sleep or any of the other BS that is so controversial right now.
Sorry for my rant, these things just drive me insane. I’m sorry you had to go through this, and I’m sorry that you will unfortunately probably have to go through it again. You’re an amazing, strong, loving mom…just remember that and ignore all the haters!!! *hugs*
LikeLiked by 1 person
OH. MY. LORD. How can anyone SERIOUSLY be that HORRIBLE? I think that THAT person needs to take a look at THEIR SELF to find what it means to be truly horrible!
I cannot believe that someone said something like that to you, or anyone for that matter, like you said!
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and relive the pain that lead you here. You are a FANTASTIC mother. You are raising an amazing child and giving him all he needs in life: food, shelter and love, and SO MUCH MORE! Something he may not have been able to have if it wasn’t for the amazingness of you and your husband.
I am completely sickened after reading this that there are people in the world who would say such things. I don’t know how you dealt with it without flipping out on them (Lord knows I would have lost it).
You are such an amazing mother and person. Your son is lucky to have you and he will grow into an amazingly happy boy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sorry this happened. IF has made me very cautious about spouting off advice. Because you are right, you don’t know the full story. You have no idea what circumstances brought this or that child into the world. It is ignorant and naive to believe “your way is the best way”. Again, I’m sorry you had to deal with this person. Hopefully it is someone you can a avoid.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry you’re getting unsolicited advice. Feeding your child is very personal decision and even if he was your biological child- you have the right to decide how you nourish him, without people weighing in their opinions. You’re right- the most important thing is that your son is healthy and thriving!! Fuck everyone else and their opinions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s ridiculous! I know some adoptive mothers try to induce lactation but I also know they often aren’t able to and even if they do, it usually isn’t enough milk to not need formula. Personally, I think the risk of the mental devastation of “failing” is too great. You made the right call to formula feed. No doubt about it! And he’s healthy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
First of all- this person sounds clueless, judgey and kind of miserable. as they say in the South ‘bless her heart’ (said to insinuate she is so awful and lacking she needs our pity) Secondly- out of all my Mom friends the two with the happiest and healthiest and greatest kids are my two friends that chose to not breastfeed for their own personal reasons. It does it matter. I look forward to society moving forward with a new issue. Maybe the next big movement will be a ‘keep parenting advice to yourself’ movement. A gal can dream. Xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, ‘bless her heart’. Clearly some people just don’t get it.
There is something to be said about knowing what is best for you and your family. I think knowing ourselves well and knowing what is necessary to make ourselves happy is probably key to our overall happiness.
I’m going to dream with you! 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry this happened. When you’ve adopted (past tense verb, never an adjective to describe you or your family), you hear many insensitive comments. Some days, we can shake them off and politely educate those who are insensitive. Other days, the words cut deeply, we freeze up, and do nothing but feel the hurt. The world isn’t always sensitive to others. I’m sorry this person hurt you. I’m also sorry it won’t be the last person who will do so. Hugs
LikeLiked by 4 people
Such incredibly wise words, thank you so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s so ridiculous that someone would offer such terrible advice. Sure, breastfeeding is great. But I can tell you from experience that my girls don’t notice the difference when we feed them formula. In the end, the only thing that matters is that your baby has proper nourishment (like infant formula) and that you are happy and healthy. You are doing a great job!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Breastfeeding isn’t a “trend”; it’s a biological norm. The milk of its mother is the *standard* nutrition for every mammal. Saying breast is best is wrong; breast is simply standard– any substitute, substandard.
I think it’s peculiar that you wouldn’t consider inducing lactation out of fear of failure. It’s possible your breasts could have failed your infant, but isn’t a refusal to try to do what’s best for your son more of a failure of the heart, as his mother, than a lack of success with induction would have been?
LikeLike
Nancy. I agree that breastfeeding is a biological norm and should not be considered a trend. But not for all types of mothers.
Calling anything but breast as substandard is hugely off putting, distasteful, lacks empathy and above all else…you’ve now joined the clique of judgie moms. You’ve undermined and discredited her as a mother, as an educated person and wife. Don’t you think she’s obviously examined all options? If you’ve read her blog you know the detail, research and examination of all possibilities is a strong character trait. It’s not peculiar that that she didn’t consider it. Maybe she did and hasn’t blogged about it in great detail. It’s off putting to say the least to me as a mother that you would impose that what’s best for her as a mother of an adopted son is to breast feed.
Please step off your soapbox.
LikeLiked by 13 people
Thank you drunkstorks. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I believe I did blog about my decision months ago, before we were even matched with our son. As you say, it wasn’t something I just woke up one day and decided. I did my homework, I weighed my options with my husband and we made the decision that is best for our family. And I will never apologize for that. Ever. Thank you again.
LikeLiked by 9 people
Yes drunkstorks, my thoughts exactly!
LikeLiked by 4 people
I read that blog and you indicated you weren’t willing to risk your mental wellness in the event that inducing lactation failed. I guess I would say that if you were so mentally fragile as to not be willing to do your best for your child, maybe your focus ought to have been on your mental wellness first, before seeking parenthood.
If you had tried and it didn’t work, then at least you could say that your body failed to produce for your son. Instead, you just failed to even try. I would have expected someone who wanted a child so desperately would have gone to the ends of the earth to do the best for that child. I guess I thought wrong.
LikeLike
Hi Nancy,
As a mom who exclusively breast fed her first child, I can tell you I did my best with my second but he was not thriving. I have to fortify my breast milk with formula. Yes, fortify. So how is breast milk standard? My son is now thriving thanks to addition of formula. And yes, the decision to fortify was taken by my Dr and a v good LC.
MPB adopted a baby, and yes, when you have been let down by your body many times, you always fear thr worst. Milk takes time to come in and with adoption you never really know the timelines. Please dont say such hurtful things. You just descredited her as a mother.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’m really disappointed in this comment.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Dear Nancy,
Please re-read the title of this blog post. Over and over again. Maybe someday you’ll get there. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 6 people
Oh be quiet! Loads in my family weren’t breastfed and we’re all fine. Stop trying to make women feel guilty for not doing something that has a negligible effect on an individual’s wellbeing.
LikeLiked by 5 people
I wasn’t breastfed because I couldn’t be and I turned out fine. It’s clear you are one of those judgmental moms who thinks they are superior to everyone else out there. It sucks that people like yourself are allowed to infect a new generation of judgmental twits.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nancy- please go away and be judgey and horrible somewhere else. The day you have endured and survived and risen above even a spec of what MPB has and with the class and grace she depicts is the day you can still keep your idiot and asinine thoughts to yourself. MPB- please block this person. We all love you.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes, yes, yes!!! Thankful for all of you who saw this and came to MPB’s defense.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. Just wow. I was fed formula. My mom didn’t breastfeed me at all. Does that make me substandard as a human? Because I’m pretty sure you can’t tell the difference between me and, say, my cousin, who was breastfed, as far as quality of person. MPB loves her baby. Fed is best. Loved is best. End of.
LikeLiked by 4 people
No. Just no. I can’t with her comment, and I can’t with the crazy breastfeeding warriors in general. It is no one’s business how someone else chooses to fead their child…I guess unless the person is feeding their newborn Fun Dip or something. But come on! As MamaJo said, it’s time to pick a new issue! I’m really sorry that happened to you. I wish I could backhand her for you.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Wow – I can’t believe someone actually said this to you! There is nothing to “fix,” your boy is happy and healthy! Keep doing you momma! Screw the rest 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are are great mum and doing a fantastic job!! I’m sorry that some people say such stupid insensitive things.
LikeLiked by 1 person
People are such jerks to new moms. It’s really maddening. It doesn’t matter what you do–there will ALWAYS be someone who feels like your choice is wrong. I don’t know what it is about the presence of a baby in the room that makes some people forget their manners and just blurt out whatever crosses their brain.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes!! It truly doesn’t matter what we do someone judges and inevitably someone will comment on something. I think the reason this one in particular bugs me so much is because it’s something I always just assumed I’d be able to do and I’m still sad that it didn’t work out in the end.
LikeLike
This blows my mind, how is that comment or even train of thought acceptable?
If formula is so awful I wonder how my husband and I thrived in childhood & adulthood when we were *gasp* formula fed. Ugh, people can be so insane.
You are an amazing mom. And person. And you are feeding your son the nourishment he needs, period. He’s a lucky little man!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes! What’s wrong with all the adults walking around today who were formula fed as babies? Absolutely nothing! What we feed our infants (formula or breast) will not define them as human beings. Rather, how we as parents raise them and help them navigate the world will be what defines them as human beings!
As always, thanks for your support and common sense Steph! 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Does this logic apply to other things, too, that just because we *survive* something means it’s totally fine? Will you expose baby MPB to second hand smoke? My mother smoked and I’m fine! And hey, there are plenty of people who text and drive and are fine (even though you’re statistically at far greater risk of being in an accident) so should we accept that as “fine” too? No, because anecdotal “evidence” is bunk. No, because “survival” isn’t the bar we should be striving for.
The scientific, empirically supported research shows immense health benefits associated with infants being fed the biological norm of breastmilk.
LikeLike
It’s completely different to second hand smoke. In case you can’t understand simple cause and effect and stats: breastfeeding gives a small positive effect which is not carried through a person’s life. Second hand smoke gives a negative effect which can have lifelong implications.
Personally I think you’re the weird one if you’re suggesting people should induce lactation to feed a child that isn’t biologically theirs. Some mothers might want to do that – that’s fine. Many would just stick to formula and there isn’t anything wrong with that.
Please cite a longitudinal study and meta analysis that proves that formula fed babies are significantly worse off.
LikeLiked by 6 people
I cannot believe someone said that to you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!?! If you lived near me and WANTED your child to have breastmilk I would donate to you on a regular basis. I would NEVER suggest you see an LC. Also, WTF is wrong with formula?! NOTHING. Formula saves lives. I’M SO ANGRY ON YOUR BEHALF.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think you are absolutely asking the right question, “What is wrong with them?”. No one is aggressive to random people for no reason. There must really be something going on in poor Nancy’s life that’s gotten her upset to the point where she’d come here and do this.
I am sorry you are going through whatever is it that you are going through, Nancy.
And I am sorry MPB if this made you question your decisions as a mother. I have been watching you, you are as awesome as it gets.
Doesn’t it suck that, while trying our best to make our babies happy, we still just can’t get along?
LikeLike
Ugh. I cannot believe some people! So sorry you had to go through that (and even more sorry it probably won’t be the last time someone makes an insanely ignorant comment)!! Sending hugs. You’re doing great momma!
P.s. I too decided not too attempt to induce lactation. The idea of trying to make my body do something and failing (again) did not sit well with my mental health either, so I can definitely relate.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You are right, sadly this won’t be the last time!
Thanks for sharing! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who made this decision. And honestly, I’m thankful I did as to not put added pressure on myself as a new mom while travelling internationally. Also, I absolutely adore that my husband is an equal partner in caring for our child. ☺
LikeLiked by 2 people
As a new mom, you definitely don’t need added pressure or stress. I also think that people who say “why don’t you just induce lactation?!” have no clue on exactly what that means. There’s nothing natural about it and it’s incredibly expensive to pay for the meds and the hospital grade pump needed to be “successful”. It’s insanely difficult and from my research the average result is 5oz a day. People who have breast fed in the past are more likely to be successful though (although that doesn’t pertain to you or me). I do recognize the health benefits and will try to get donated bm if possible but will be aok if my future babe is 100% formula fed. no one should be made to feel inadequate because they fed their baby something other than bm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Preach sister!! I’m baffled. Was she kidding? Was she mad at you? I just. I don’t get it. SMH. Whatever, you know what you’re doing. She can suck it. I know formula and breastfed babies and they’re all awesome. People need to chill.
LikeLiked by 1 person
She definitely wasn’t kidding. I don’t think she was mad per say, more just this can be fixed so you have to try. Honestly, it was just weird!
I agree, people are awesome (or not in some cases) no matter what they are fed as babies!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So sorry you had someone say that to you. That’s a horrible thing for someone to say! I cannot understand all the shaming/judgment around infant feeding these days.
I had a couple of situations in which people basically implied that *I* was responsible for my daughter’s horrible reflux because I wasn’t breastfeeding (never, despite 3 lactation consultants, tons of time, lots of supplements/tricks, could make more than a 1/2 supply or get the kiddo to latch). It was hurtful and frustrating to have people say those things. I SO hear you on how those sorts of comments can reopen wounds.
You’re amazing with all you’ve been through and all you’re doing now! And thanks for writing this post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So I rolled my eyes reading this because it reminds me of a conversation I just had with my sister about the breast feeding warriors. And let me just say, I nursed my son exclusively for 12.5 months before quitting to start IVF again (a requirement) and then nursed my other son for 19 months without a single drop of formula. I will never understand why anyone else cares how someone else feeds their child. And I’ll never understand why someone feels it’s ok to weigh in verbally. Think what you want (for instance, I really think everyone should try breastfeeding before they make a final decision) but don’t say it (I’d never tell someone else they need to try before making a final decision). And inducing lactation for an adopted baby… No… Even this pro-nursing mom would not have done that. You had no idea when baby would happen in your life and what were you supposed to do, induce lactation and pump even when no baby was on the horizon? No.
People say dumb things. I say dumb things. We’d all be best off of we’d mind our business unless asked, and when asked, be kind in our response.
I was so afraid of the breast is best warriors that I’d loudly say, when feeding my baby a bottle of pumped milk, “I know it’s not the same out of a bottle, but it’s still moms milk, I promise.”. Good lord.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This. I breastfed my daughter until after she turned 2, and then she decided nice cold refrigerated milk was better and we were done. Sure it worked for us, but I would NEVER dare tell another mother she was less-than for choosing formula for any reason. The fact of the matter is that formula provides the nutrients babies’ needs too!
MPB, you are raising your son to be a good person. Kind, empathetic, and I’m sure well-educated! And that’s something these breastfeeding trolls lack.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Making factual statements about scientifically studied topics doesn’t make one a troll. If science hurts your feelings, maybe you ahould make different decisions? Is it “mean” to state that poor eating habits is a leading cause of obesity? No, it’s fact. Facts aren’t nice or mean, they just are.
This conversation is about feeding. Changing the subject to raising a kind person is a little odd. It’s not as though the two are mutually exclusive. What do you want to do, give your infant standard, natural nutrition intended for them? Or have them be a good person? Pick one! It doesn’t work that way…
LikeLike
I feel like being nasty and saying “FUCK that person”. But I won’t. I’m sorry this happened. Please know that most people in this world are not judging you for feeding your son. What’s important is that he is FED and loved, and he is.
How in the ever-loving-hell were you supposed to induce lactation when you didn’t know when your baby would be joining your family? What that woman said and how she made you feel is completely out of line, and I am so sorry.
LikeLiked by 4 people
I am so so sorry that people are so insensitive. People just think they know everything about anything, when in reality they are just ignorant. Let’s be real…it’s none of their business. You are an incredible mother and I commend you for how wonderfully you’re doing with your little one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Another blog I really like is “Expecting Science” (written by a research scientist), and she did a really great post about how the oft-cited benefits of breastfeeding are highly exaggerated:
I know there have also been several articles in the mainstream media recently about this. Bottom line: it’s really hard to do good studies on babies, since you can’t ethically force a mother to breastfeed or formula-feed, but the best studies that do exist show very, very little in the way of real benefit. Slightly less risk of severe GI infections during the first year of life (which aren’t common in developed countries anyway), and possibly a small IQ boost (but the evidence isn’t very strong, and the difference isn’t very large). That’s it. All the other stuff? Not well supported by the evidence!
I know you know this already, but it’s just another reason why how you choose to feed your baby is absolutely, positively, nobody’s business but your own. And that woman who chewed you out, plus the trolls here that I’m not feeding, can go jump in a lake. You’re making very responsible decisions for Baby MPB, who is going to grow big and strong on formula (not to mention that the evidence does show that formula-fed babies sleep better — win for both you and Baby MPB!).
LikeLiked by 5 people
I love well-done research & science! It’s a bit mind boggling how severely we are ignoring how uncontrolled the variables are in studies on the benefits of breastfeeding. And then using them to beat down mothers who are doing their best.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
I cannot believe someone would say this to you? What jerks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Say what you want about bottle feeding – but I know that my two daughters are alive today thanks to Nestle Pre-Nan. I have seen women chain smoking or enjoying a beer while breast feeding. I know many women who realized that it never felt quite right and switched to the bottle as soon as possible.There are as many variations as there are parents.
I personally found bottle feeding an intensely emotional and even bonding experience – with the additional benefit that my husband could share in it – experience it for himself. Everyone has their own experience – there’s no need to generalize it to the entire population.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry 😦
I re-posted this onto my facebook because I think people just have no clue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will go on my merry way now, as it’s clear this particular community values baseless coddling over truth and fact.
These women say you’re a wonderful mother but I see no evidence of that. Did you have to go through a lot of hassle and expense to become a mother? Sure. But that was what YOU wanted. It doesn’t make you a good mother to that child (with the supply and demand of adoption he undoubtedly would have found shelter, food, love in another home had it not been yours); the choices you make on his behalf do. I happen to think what feeding choice a woman makes speaks volumes about her as a mother. A well informed mother who wanted to do best by her child would make no other choice than to at least make her very best attempt at making breastfeeding work. You had no interest in that, brushing it off as a trend that would be inconvenient to you. Your choice but it speaks volumes.
Then again, this really comes as no surprise coming from someone who took a year+ off from working for her own mental health (which is fine) but then flit right back to work, leaving her newborn with a stranger, within weeks of his birth. Your priorities (ME ME ME) are quite clear, sadly for that child.
LikeLike
Thank god your kids were breastfed. Hopefully this will help them overcome some of the challenges they will face having such a snotty bully for a mother.
LikeLiked by 12 people
BYE BYE, NANCY!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ahhhh dear, youve let yourself down here. Where as before you were making a nonsense argument, now youve just descended into a bully.
MPB has shared something very personal here, and instead of coming over as someone who has seen both sides of the story, you come across as an uneducated moron.
The whole ‘breast is best’ brigade can do one as far as im concerned. Its not for everyone. MPB did not want to fail her child. Youve clearly never lost a child, or multiple children like she has, like i have.
You need to think before you get on your high horse, appreciate and understand others, without going down the route of personally attacking someone.
I hope you never have to make the decisions MPB and i have had to make, but maybe if you had, you’d get it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Why are you here, Nancy? Seriously, why would you spend your time here scolding someone you don’t know and will never meet? Everyone else is here to provide support and compassion.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Nancy,
I have no clue who you are, clearly not a Sister of ours in Infertility, but you are coming off as a horrible, horrible person. You have no clue how fucking (excuse my language) amazing MPB is and the hell that she has been through in her life. Fed is best and she is a fantastic, amazing, wonderful mother! If you had any clue about her, you’d know that she would much rather spend all her time with Baby MPB, but unfortunately, adoption cost a freakin’ fortune and we can’t all be so lucky to be the SAHM we may want to be. I hope to God your children have some role models in their lives that teach them not to be a judgmental, mean, ignorant person like their Mom is being on this blog post.
LikeLiked by 2 people
BULLY. BULLY BULLY BULLY.
You can go over there now. In your corner, marked “for those who know no better.” Please stay there. We don’t want you back. It’s clear this particular community of human beings values…well, just about any type of person BUT your type.
Bye bye now. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bye Felicia
LikeLiked by 1 person
Having agreed with you, Nancy, in the past on a particular post, I feel compelled to chime in. I’ve been bothered by this post and your first comment all day, and here’s why. You’re looking at this from the lens of a mom who breast fed her own children. You, from experience, know that nursing is more than nutrition, it is a bound as well. This post and your comment caused my husband and me to talk tonight about whether or not we would have induced lactation for an adopted child. Our conclusion was this: Had we adopted first, we likely would not have chosen to attempt lactation because of unknown timelines and, quite frankly, because we didn’t know how much the baby and I would truly enjoy it. Had we gone the surrogate route, with known timelines, we would have considered it but we think we would have tried and quit. Now, after having nursed two babies, we would most definitely attempt lactation for an adopted child or a child born via gestational carrier… Without a doubt. But that’s because we know what nursing meant to us. We know the bond. We know the the connection. Because we’ve been there and done it. Without that experience, this situation cannot be judged fairly. We would do it because we know, but without knowing, we would not have made the same decision.
Sometimes, different lenses can help us treat people more kindly. I know you can’t see this from her viewpoint, but also know that she can’t see it from yours. And neither of you is better our worse for it. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
MPB, please don’t do a post on circumcision… This is nothing compared to the wrath on that topic. 😉 (And I say that as a mom who chose NOT to circumcise.)
LikeLiked by 3 people
Arghhh… I agree with your frustration–people don’t think before they speak. Have you seen the Fearless Formula Feeders blog? This was the first post I read: http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2016/02/fff-friday-please-dont-ask/ But the one above it is excellent, too, about the mental health benefits of formula feeding. Some of the posts are pregnancy-related, but there’s a wealth of commiseration and information here. I had a cousin’s wife contact me after I posted a picture of formula samples that came as a result of our registering. I’M NOT EVEN FORMULA FEEDING YET and she sent me a long message about how I CAN actually breastfeed and you can induce lactation and then a long list of very preachy, very judgy ways that that would be the best thing for my child and me. I sent her a link to my inducing lactation post, and let her know that when you have already put your body through hell and it has CLEARLY not listened to you and is obstinate on every count, that there is no reason to believe that inducing lactation would produce anything but a meager supply of milk that would need to be supplemented anyway with formula and I would feel yet again that my body had failed me in this regard and I’d be taking supplements and pumping like mad and as someone who has no due date that just isn’t realistic when I teach middle schoolers. I don’t understand why people can’t just let everyone feed their baby in a nutritious and loving way, the way that they choose (or quite frankly is chosen for them due to dastardly infertility) and just trust that we are all doing the best that we can. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that and have it dredge up all the awful parts of your journey where your body wasn’t cooperative, to say the least. I myself will be a fearless formula feeder, and god help the people who are judgy to my face. 🙂 I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your son, feeding him what is now highly nutritious formula and bonding through bottle feeding and not feeling dread when you try to breastfeed, instead focusing on the joy of the feeding and snuggling experience without the connection to your body.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. People seriously need to mind their own business and stop being thinking their way is the best way. I deal with this too and hate it. I was at Target today buying 10 bottles formula and the lady in front of my in the check out line looked at the formula I was putting on the counter, looked right at me and shook her head. I smiled in the smart assy-ist way I could.
And, hey Nancy, go back to The Bump where you belong!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tell them to shut up and butt out.
I wasn’t breastfed – adopted. My sibling wasn’t either – adopted. My two younger siblings were breastfed a very short time as my mum had difficulty doing it – biological kids.
All four of us are now adults with university educations and decent jobs. I think we got through the “deprivation” of not being breastfed just fine!
LikeLiked by 3 people
I think it takes a very unhappy, or socially ignorant, overconfident and narrow-minded person, to make judgemental and assuming comments to a stranger. (That’s why they’re them and you’re you.) I know that in the moment, it can be hard to know what to do. I’ve heard many a comment that froze me in the moment, and that I’d lay awake at night reliving (as well as my response or lack thereof.) When it really started affected me, I thought of a few quick responses I could have prepared in these scenarios and that I could say with a confident smile. I began to feel better about these moments and reliving them! Plus, there is satisfaction in knowing that you may have educated someone who is less likely to say such a thing again, and maybe even made them feel embarrassment of remorse for their hurtful intrusion. Lol.
You’re a great mom and I know you are likely feeling deflated and hurt right now, but rise above cruelty and miserable people and know it’s their problem and outlet for their own misery to behave that way. We love ya!
LikeLiked by 1 person
SO disappointing to hear comments like this. SO unnecessary and disgustingly insensitive to any of myriad reasons why you might be bottle feeding. Inducing lactation is incredibly difficult – I tried to go through relactation with my son and failed and that was after I had been producing milk, so doing it from a cold start has got to be a monumental commitment with no guarantee of success. Someone made a comment to me at my nan’s funeral (of all places) about how “breastfeeding was better for ’em” which I let pass (in shock and hurt), but there has hardly been a day when I haven’t thought of what I should have said to that horrible man. You hold your head up and disregard such stupidity. Formula is excellent these days and no one has a right to judge you. I’m so sorry – what a horrible, horrible thing for someone to say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel “Nancy” does indeed count as a troll; trolls always have one thing in common-they are anonymous! They never have links to their websites and always say very nasty, judgy, hateful things.
I work with mothers all the time who feel like failures for being unable or unwilling to breastfeed. I find the whole push to insist on breastfeeding to be very anti-woman, and anti-child. If you’ve ever have the experience of seeing an exhausted, and already sleep deprived new mom attempt to pump pretty much 24-7 with little result, you will see that this is not conducive to bonding with said baby. It is however, a breeding ground for depression and resentment. Its hard to be present for your child and attentive to their needs under these conditions.
It’s sad that women need to feel superior to other women by criticizing their parenting choices. Being a mother is a wonderful part of life for those women who have children, but it is far healthier when you do not base your entire life, and your self worth, on the fact that you are raising a child. Its OK to have your own needs!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
People are just ignorant. So sorry you had to deal with this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
wow! i can’t believe people! I ended up formula feeding after thinking bf was going to be a cinch, and my daughter is a healthy beautiful toddler now. So, fed truly is best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs. Just lots of hugs. I am incredibly baffled by some of these comments and have nothing but hugs to add. You are amazing MPB.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not a violent person, but I’m glad I wasn’t with you when this was said to you because I may have hauled off and hit her. How incredibly rude and absolutely none of this person’s business. I don’t know when society decided they should be allowed to voice their opinions whenever they want!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly! We are adopting and I cannot even imagine trying to breastfeed a child that I wasn’t pregnant with! You tell em sister!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh man! You know how hard I tried to breast feed, and in the end it didn’t matter because little man is allergic to everything under the sun and I ended up just making him sicker. I happen to think that you are doing a fab job at this Momming thing. Yes, breast feeding is hard and takes a mental toll…..but I am so glad that you didn’t have to put yourself into a situation that you knew could be triggering. Your own mental well being is more important to baby MPB’s health and development than what you chose to feed him.
At the end of the day, you are an amazing mom who is doing the very best that she can. I hope that you found a formula that little MPB is doing better with. And know that the majority of us moms are here for support, not judgement.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This topic always makes people crazy.
I’m in a similar situation in that I chose not to give breastfeeding a try – of course without the added stress of inducing lactation. As a sexual assault survivor I am not comfortable with my body. As someone with the remnants of PTSD the idea of me breastfeeding makes me feel sick. The idea if my body being solely responsible for keeping someone alive makes me feel horrific – fills me with anxiety and guilt even though nothing happened yet.
So, when my baby was born, we chose formula. We made that choice for my
Mental wellbeing, in order for me to start off on a good foot rather than being crippled with anxiety about the idea of even getting my breast out to try and breastfeed in hospital, let alone later on out and about. Trying and failing to breastfeed is one of the leading causes of post natal depression. For me that was worth avoiding.
In a developed country with access to clean water, breast milk or formula really does not make that much difference at all. If you line up a bunch of five year olds, you won’t tell which ones were breastfed and which ones were formula fed, same as you won’t tell who was adopted, who was given purees or anything else that is so important at this early stage but honestly fades into insignificance later on.
You’re doing a great job. You are doing your best for your baby. Don’t let anyone get you down over that, because I’m sure just one look at that little guy and you know he’s doing just fine xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person