A Little Too Quiet
In the last few days, a week to be precise, our birth mom went silent. We heard nothing from her.
The first few days did not bother me at all. It’s normal that we don’t talk every day.
But, then once I started to realize the days were adding up, I started to worry. Then I pointed it out to Mr. MPB and he also started to worry.
So, after about a week, our worry was increasing. (I am really a good worrier, if it was a marketable skill I could make it a full time profession). We are usually in touch with at least a few texts a week. Sometimes she initiates the conversations, sometimes we initiate. We also send photos every few weeks. So a week with no correspondence didn’t make sense and we just weren’t sure how to reach out to her.
We’ve been told that often birth mom’s needs space and we wanted to respect that, if that was the case. But, we also want her to know that we care and worry about her too. And we also realized for all we knew, she was just busy and we weren’t her focus, no different then when I don’t respond to a friend’s text for a few days because I’m busy.
So, we/I decided I needed to stop obsessing. As far as we are concerned she is a member of our extended family, just like other members of our family like my Dad (who has an amazing ability to frustrates me, yet I love dearly), any one of my friends, my Aunt (who is an amazing women who inspires me with her kind heart) or my second cousin (who I adore and wish I could see more). With these relationships, I may not talk/text with them daily or even weekly, heck sometimes I even avoid people if something is bother me, but we do generally keep in touch.
In the end, we decided to do what we normally do. I sent her an email with some photos and a text telling her to check her email and that we are thinking of her and hoping she’s well. When I sent the photos the timing matched our unofficial schedule so I was hoping she’d respond once she had photos, as she often does. We usually gush over how cute Baby MPB is together.
And guess, what? That’s exactly what we did! Once she had the photos she responded and we have a good conversation about our wonderful little guy.
Nothing was said about the silence. It’s weird (or maybe it isn’t?) but in so many ways I feel myself being very protective of her and wanting to help her. But, ultimately, I cannot force myself on her any more then I can other people in my life. And so while we want her in our lives we realize this isn’t our decision to make and like so many things in life all we can do is focus in our behaviour and hope for the best. So, we will continue to let her know we are here for her and that we care for her. And, we will always leave the door open so she can talk to us when/if she wants to.
* Please note that this post is from my perspective as an adoptive mom. I cannot speak on behalf of our birth mother and do not intend to.
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Ok you could not get any lovelier. You have a beautiful heart and it sounds like you and Mr. MPB have a great approach. Like you have said there is not a set of instructions how to navigate all this but it seems like you are doing a fantastic job. Xo
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Awe, thanks! Since writing this, I have now spoke to our home study social worker and my counsellor about this and they both agree with our approach. So, in a way they have offered a bit of validation on offering open lines of communication but respecting that she may not want it right now. And, validation from those who should know best is always nice to have! 🙂
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I would be the exact same way! I’m a professional worrier, too. I’m glad she did finally get back to you though. Maybe she just got busy with things and hadn’t had a chance before then. Try not to worry…though I know it’s so much more easier said than done!
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Why can’t we get jobs as professional worriers? Asides from the health impacts it would have on us (i.e. grey hair, ulcers, etc.) we would both be so good at it!
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Wonderful! I know I am not a birth mother via adoption but instead a bio mom via surrogacy but I have to tell you that every picture, every text, email and message of “Hey we’re thinking of you and we love you” means the world to me. Even now, 12 and 11 years later, it lifts my spirits and makes my heart happy. You’re rocking this motherhood thing and rockin’ the whole “being an awesome human being” thing too!
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Lindsay, I always value your opinion as you have a unique perspective that I think gives you an insight that I simply don’t have. Thank you so much for always being willing to share and to shade some light on to what might be going on.
And thank you, you are so sweet! 🙂
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People grieve in different ways. As long as you continue to keep up your part of the relationship, I don’t think there is anything to worry about. Keep on keeping on mama!
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You are right, people grieve in different ways and even differently at different points in their lives. And, we have to respect that. 🙂
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You are seriously cute and awesome! I love that you are so protective of your Birth Mom. I’m glad to hear all is well and I’m with you…I’m a complete worrywart also. 🙂
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The protective thing is something I didn’t expect. But, it’s definitely become a part of my emotions. I guess in a way it’s similar to how I feel about my siblings? I know our birth mom is definitely not a sibling, but it’s the best comparison I can come up with.
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How nice and caring, the way you approached this. I’d also guess she’s going through a difficult and soul-searching time. To have your love and gentle correspondence is so wonderful.
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I too imagine this is a particularly hard time for her. I still struggle with the realization that in order for our dreams to come true, her’s are not and this is likely one of the hardest times of her life. (I’m making assumptions, I do not intend to talk on her behalf). This is all the stuff about adoption that I didn’t really truly appreciate until now.
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You’re doing great. Wondering if she’s a retreater, when things get overwhelming? so your gentle contact is what she needs to pull herself out of her thinking/circumstances , or not, sometimes it’s impossible for a few days – but you’ve become a safe harbour cuz she knows you’ll be there when she’s ready 😎
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I definitely understand the retreat approach, since I’m my own expert in it! I do hope she really does know that we are always here for her too.
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I would have worried too…. And probably would have driven Brian crazy with my worrying!
I think you’re doing so right by baby MPB, first mom, and yourselves. Honestly, you’re putting them (baby, birth mom) first and that’s how I feel open adoption (and I think almost all should be open) should be. Always baby first, and that’s what you’re doing. You’re keeping the relationship as open as possible so that he’s not left wondering later. You are writing the manual on how to do this well ❤
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I believe all good parents put there children first. For us, with an open adoption and our specific circumstance with our birth mom, one component of that is keeping the lines of communication open. She’s a wonderful lady and our son will know that.
On a lighter note, sometimes i wonder how our partners put up with our obsessive worrying?! 🙂
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You have such a beautiful heart.
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Awe thanks. You are too kind. 🙂
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I think naturally, with time, the contact will ease to be less intense and frequent. That is so totally normal. She needs to be able to get on with her life too and it probably doesn’t involve super frequent contact with you guys at some point. And then it will probably even out a bit and maybe get more frequent again. I think that’s the natural order of things. As long as you keep doing your part then that is all you can do. You guys are wonderfully considerate of her and I am sure she sees that. 🙂
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Sounds like a perfect response! I love what the one commenter said about “retreater” – I totally do that! The folks that keep showing up even when I don’t are the ones I consider friends-as-family. Good on you.
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