Pregnancy Announcement
Let me start by saying right up front, I am NOT pregnant. Nor do I really want to be at this point (I say really, only because I think part of me will always want to know what it’s like to experience a healthy pregnancy).
Anyways, when one of our family members visited us to meet Baby MPB, the first thing I thought when she took off her jacket was she’s pregnant again. I surprised myself by even thinking this, because why should I care since I have Baby MPB now. Anyways, I told myself to let it go, there’s no-way.
Well, shortly into our visit, they announced that they are pregnant again with their third. And they are telling people a bit too early, but they really aren’t worried.
My heart fell to the floor and I felt my breath catch. I could not believe it. All I wanted to do was cry.
My emotions went into overdrive – hurt, sorrow, envy, anger and jealousy. And heaps of bitterness. Every one of these feelings came back and flooded through my body. It was all I could do to muster up a mandatory congratulations, when are you due?
Yet, this time, unlike anytime past announcement, I was staring at my son. In fact, I was holding him. My rational brain couldn’t understand why I feel this way – I have no right to be upset, we have our son.
But you know what, that self-imposed perspective is crap.
Yes, we have Baby MPB and we love him more then I can ever explain. But, we worked our butts off to have him. We went through years of loss. We have shared the most intimate parts of ourselves in order to be approved to be parents. We are in massive debt for the first time in our lives and will be climbing out of it for the next few years. We literally flew around the continent to make this life happen. Needless to say, nothing about having our son was easy.
And so, to hear someone who has two children announce they are pregnant again and to do so without worry of loss simply sucked. It cut because that simply will never be us. And, honestly, I part of me still wants it to be us. I would love to be part of the “ops” club or the “first try” club. I would love more then almost anything to give Baby MPB a sibling, somehow. But unless we win the lottery (and then decide to subject ourselves once again to the insanity that is the adoption process) or some sort of miracle occurs, I rationally know that Baby MPB is going to be an only child. Our future will not include the spontaneous healthy pregnancy. And, spontaneous international adoptions rarely, if ever, occur.
And you know what, it’s sucks that it was not and will not ever be easy for us. And it sucks that I will forever carry around our lost babies in my heart and soul.
So, what this announcement taught me is that while I am thankful everyday for Baby MPB, he will not erase the years of hurt and the anguish it took to bring him into our lives. I will carry these scars with me, and I just hope that with time, these things will hurt a little less.
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Nothing ever erases it. I ve had a friend tell me after Arun was born that now I have my kids and I told her no, I dont. These kids are not replacement for what I lost, i still dont have my 4. Baby MPB will ease the pain and give you joy but he cannot erase or make everything that happened in the past immaterial.
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I have followed your journey from afar, but wanted to reach out for this post.
My daughter died after a placental abruption in labour – I now have a 5month old son. He hasn’t erased the pain that we suffered and that is still in my heart today. I feel envious of people with easy pregnancies who have no worries about losing a baby because that experience hasn’t touched their lives.
Your son will bring you incredible joy and love, I’m sure, as has mine, but our children before them remain a part of our story and the effects of losing them deeply etched onto our souls.
Our journeys are not the same, but I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid, even though you have baby MPB in your arms.
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I wish more people understand what a miracle easy pregnancies are and just how blessed they are. A friend of mine is 5 months and is planning a cruise for next month; I will never have that kind of mental freedom. Time doesn’t take it away…it changes it but the grief never goes away.
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I sometimes get infuriated at how insensitive your family can be. Can’t they let you just enjoy your moment just this once? While I imagine there was absolutely no malice in their sharing their news it is idiotic at best and lacks compassion at worst. Even though I have my miracle son who I carried, I still take most fertile pregnancy announcements like a lunch to the gut. I am hoping this ceases one day but for now I just let the pain hit me then let my rational brain take over and eventually talk me out of the hurt. Your beautiful boy is your greatest gift I know but he cannot erase the hurt of all the pain you have endured. He can smother it with gratitude and joy but not erase it. I can promise you that your level of gratitude and moments of joy are much more profound than those insensitive fertiles. I am sorry you had to go through this. Sending you all my love.
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Exactly Mamajo. I wrote a blog post about a family member calling my house on Thanksgiving to announce an easily conceived second pregnancy at almost 41 years old. The first one was an “oops.” And I was reamed out by another family member for my post describing how upset I was. People tend to think that everything is okay when you have that baby in your arms. Or when you’ve seemingly completed your family. Your experience lives with you forever, and I wish those around us could show a bit of sensitivity. MPB – those announcements are like shards to the heart. Sorry you had to hear one so soon after bringing home baby.
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Geez – she couldn’t even wait to tell you another day, and give you guys and Baby MPB the spotlight for a bit? Good grief. The insensitivity of some people astounds me, especially knowing everything you’ve been through to become a parent.
Baby MPB will bring you much joy, but it’s true he won’t ever erase the pain you’ve endured to get to this point. My heart is with you. ❤
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I feel like it’s always going to be a sore point for any of us to see others have an easier time than we had, even if we did get what we want in the end. I have tried all my life not to be someone that thinks about life in terms of “unfair” and “fair” but recurrent miscarriage has made that infinitely harder.
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I think that’s completely understandable. Just because you finally have your baby, doesn’t mean all those feelings are automatically just gone. We hold these things with us for life. I hope that with time it may get a little easier to hear pregnancy announcements, but I think it will always hurt at least a little bit. *hugs*
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Just because you have your son doesn’t mean the loss goes away. Nor will the grief over your inability to have a healthy pregnancy. Your feelings are so understandable.
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Look, I have a 4 and 2 year old and I cringed when my sister announced her 4th, easily obtained pregnancy. I wasn’t even ashamed of myself this time… I’m just used to it. 😉 Our infertility/IVF experience is nothing like the losses you’ve experienced, and I still feel a twinge of something when people announce pregnancies. I think I always will, and that’s ok.
You lost babies, real babies. Nothing will erase that, even if people think a new baby should.
Hugs!
(And I’m upset with some of the other gals that they had to announce at your big moment. Grrr…)
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See? This is why I’m glad you’re still blogging. Some folks think that adoption is a “cure” when it’s more like a parallel track to the physical things we’ve already endured, and that once any child arrives that suddenly we’ll magically forget the pain we’ve experienced. Doing both IVF and adopting myself, I know that if/when one of these works out, it won’t take away from the other…but those not in our situation? Rarely have clue.
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I don’t think anything will ever erase that. and logically, that would be like saying “oh, well, yes, our old dog/cat died… but we got a new dog/cat, so it’s as if that didn’t happen.”
you are fully validated in your feelings while still loving your precious son to the moon and back. and I think as he grows, that history – of the love you have for the siblings that didn’t make it – will matter very much to him, like it does to both you & Mr MPB.
gentle hugs your way. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. it’s not easy. 💔💔💔
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It’ll hurt less, with time, but you’ll never forget. Xx
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You’ve been through so much and nothing will really ever erase the pain. I am so glad that you shared this post as a reminder that nothing does erase the pain of pregnancy loss. However, I am so glad that while you had to endure another pregnancy announcement you had your sweet baby in your arms. xo
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I know how you are feeling and, although it seems I am finally in what may turn out to be a healthy pregnancy, I have had the same thought many times lately about how I think I will always self-identify with the losses rather than the healthy pregnancy (if this turns out to be one). There is no carefree or afterthought with this one. Everything is pre-meditated, but also cherished that much more. We did not and will not do a formal pregnancy announcement. I don’t feel right about having a traditional baby shower because it seems on a different wavelength than the one I am on (not bad or good, but not something that jives anymore with my experiences). I had someone tell me last week that they felt bad I couldn’t experience the carefree bliss of pregnancy. I might have agreed with them at an earlier time, but I now feel bad for them that they maybe can’t know how deeply grateful I am for this gift and how precious this experience is to me. Maybe we are all judging each other’s emotions too much, but I can completely understand how you feel and think it is appropriate, considering your past scars. Hugs to you and baby kisses to little MPB!
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You had a terribly long, difficult, winding road to baby MPB and I’m sorry that your relative couldn’t hold off just a bit longer to let you have this moment to celebrate bringing him home.
I definitely still get twinges of sadness/bitterness/frustration/jealousy when people announce pregnancies or talk about easy pregnancies. Sometimes I can be okay later with it, sometimes I struggle. I don’t think it ever really goes away.
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Goodness. I truly believe that pregnancy announcements by those who aren’t “us” will always be extremely difficult. I was just having this Conversation with the fellow baby lost mom yesterday. I am finding that I also have trouble relating to the “normal mom” because I don’t feel like my journey has been the same as most women’s journeys. You continue to give women hope to continue on their journeys to becoming a parent and I thank you for that!
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I completely know how you feel! One of my friends announced in our group chat that she was pregnant last night. I was definitely feeling some jealousy. To top it off, they were only off BC for 5 – 6 months and didn’t time intercourse. I’m so happy you’re finally home with your little family!! xo
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In my experience, this never goes away. Even after my spontaneous pregnancy with Levi, announcements from ppl who have never struggled still sting. I think they always will…
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This time I think it was a combination of both. Here you are showing off to the world your amazing son that you and Mr MPG fought so hard for and then she rocks up with pregnancy #3 there is also an element of absolute selfishness with that and it pisses me off. It is always hard BUT there are ways to announce that make it so much better. I will give two examples. Last week I had two pregnancy announcements. Both to my face with compassion and understanding. Made it so much easier. In fact both cried telling me because they said it was unfair they could have babies and I couldn’t. You can bet your arse I love those two right now. Vs last year a snap happy text message five seconds after our final IVF failed. Your friend could have kept her jacket on and announced her news later. So yeah, it is always going to hurt but some people make it hurt more xxxxxx ps I would desperately love to see some photos of the little man
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Adoption doesn’t resolve the grief. I know I still feel mine and I have had Hope for more than 2 years. It takes time.
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Unfortunately, nothing will ever erase the stain that infertility indelibly engraved on our souls. I understand that pain all too well. I am, however, so grateful that God has given you that precious boy to love and trust that He will open even more doors for you down the line to fulfil every dream you have. Xoxo
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I dont think those pregnancy announcements stop stinging just because we have our baby in our arms. Infertility/RPL casts a shadow and leaves a wound that festers for a long time refusing to heal.
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I’m so sorry that you had a pregnancy announcement during a first visit with your beautiful new baby. It makes total sense that that hurt and was upsetting to say the least — here you are with your amazing baby boy that you had to move mountains to bring home, and she offhandedly announces a third pregnancy without any thought to “what ifs.” It does seem insensitive that she couldn’t wait until after she saw you with your baby for the first time, but I don’t at all blame you for feeling hurt and upset and stabby over yet another “easy” pregnancy with no fear of loss. I don’t think that piece, that mourning of what could have been but wasn’t, and probably won’t ever be, will ever go away even with the joy you feel with baby MPG. It might hurt a little less later, but I don’t think it will ever be something you can smile and let pass without pain. Thinking of you.
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I know how you feel.
I had four losses (over 3.5 years) before I had my daughter. She is now almost 7 months old and it still stings when someone announces a pregnancy. I thought it would go away after she was in my arms, bit honestly, it didn’t. I think time will maybe lessen the pain of our losses (and, in a way, it has) but I will never forget. I think it’s ingrained forever and someone else’s pregnancy will never be easy for me.
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I don’t think time or babies heal all wounds. My grandmother lost her first born (stillbirth) over 60 years ago, went on to have three healthy children, and she has never forgotten that loss. In fact, the first time I told her I was pregnant she immediately thought of that baby and began talking about him. It still brings her pain. I don’t think anyone really gets over the loss of their child(ren). Hugs to you and your sweet family.
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Sending you so many hugs. I wish they’d waited until a better time. Face to face pregnancy announcements are no fun.
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Holding your precious, hard-fought-for baby and then dealing with this same old fertile myrtile mindset shiz – my blood pressure rose just reading this and picturing the moment in my head. There are many bang-on comments above and I agree with them all. While we will deal with this stuff for a long time, and it will always sting, surprise and set us back a bit, it does feel a little better realizing the bonds of empathy are out there and a little safety net where you can share and receive a hug after situations like this. So…. BIG HUG!! And hope you are having such a wonderful time with your sweet boy!
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While I’m not on the “other side”, I do cringe and feel sick when people announce their pregnancies. I’m sure that will always be the way I feel, even when I transfer over (however that may be). It’s so unfair that some people have it so easy.
I also find myself so so happy when bloggers I follow finally reach their dreams (like you)!! Same for the friends I know who have struggled. Maybe it seems silly but I guess I relate more to those who struggle so it’s so much easier to celebrate their happiness.
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I am not surprised. As much as you wanted to be parents, you wanted to be parents via PREGNANCY. You achieved a part of that dream but it doesn’t undo the fact that part of it-through no choice of your own-could not be realised. Thank you for your honesty. You’ll help many who read this. ((hugs))
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Two things. Baby MPB has resolved childlessness for you, but no child can be expected to absolve you of infertility or loss. Just like having a (parented) child has helped me with being a mother without a child, but it doesn’t make not having my first child any easier. (I don’t regret her adoption but it’s not easy.)
Secondly, how freaking rude of your family to maks your celebration of your son about themselves. I wouldn’t announce a pregnancy when meeting the new baby of people who had it come easily, without struggle or loss, because it’s still their time to shine with their new baby. That’s even more true for those who have been through any difficulty on that path. I’m sorry they approached it like that. I know that their pregnancy announcement would have been difficult for you no matter how they did it, but at least they could have mollified it by being gentle.
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I agree with the others that it was insensitive for them to tell you when they did, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that since they were telling others, maybe they wanted to make sure you heard it from them first and not through grapevine. As you know, I 100% agree with and can relate to your feelings. I do hope that with time pregnancy announcements will get easier for all of us. In the meantime, at least we have each other to rely on when then hurt is too much. Sending hugs. Xo.
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Preeeach… No matter how much you love your son, he doesn’t erase all the hurt that came before. It’s a sucker punch to the gut every time. Feel all the feelings, lady friend. They are all okay and totally valid.
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It does hurt and it was very insensitive of them. They are very lucky and privileged to have no worries.
Even the brightest future doesn’t remove past hurts, it just helps.
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So sorry Mommy MPB. That is really a difficult situation. First off, it is a little disappointing that they had to announce while you all should be celebrating and enjoying your baby announcement! Couldn’t they just let you have your moment for a day?!
Now, I have never been pregnant nor will I ever be so I have no experience, but my sister lost her second pregnancy and she is scarred by just one loss. She is currently pregnant now and this pregnancy has been very scary for her with constant anxiety and worry. She was always upset when her friends would announce their pregnancies after her miscarriage, some would even ask when were they going to give their son a sibling knowing that she had miscarried and they had difficulty getting pregnant. And again her pain was just after one loss. What you endured is unfathomable. And of course it will never go away. The pain and loss you have endured is real and awful and unfortunately it is the kind of pain that will stay in your heart forever. There is no doubt you are happy you have your son and feel grateful but it doesn’t erase your history, nor should it, because all of it has made you who you are. And your son will know he has a strong and resilient mommy who loves him with all of her being, not because you will have to tell him, but because it is who you are. Hugs, friend.
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Good lord your family sucks sometimes.
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I will never completely understand how you feel, but I can say that I still feel hurt and angry when I hear of pregnancy announcements. But then I feel guilty… I have a child, and another on the way, which was a surprise pregnancy. I should be happy for others, right? I feel like once you’re struggled with infertility though, a part of you is always stuck in that mindset. You can’t erase the pain, time doesn’t always heal I’ve learned. I’ve also learned not to be so hard on myself though… You are entitled to feel however you feel. I’ll be thinking of you 🙂
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