No Control & A Small Rant
As we are entering into a time in our lives where we will have absolutely no control and I’m struggling with the ambiguity of day-to-day life. Honestly, while things are generally going really, really, amazingly well, every single day something happens that we have no ability to predict. And I am really struggling with the uncertainty. I get that with everything adoption, nothing goes according to plan. But then again, in life, does anything ever really go to plan? For me, a control freak who loves process, it’s hard for me to surrender to absolutely no control and to not have possible next steps mapped out in my mind. I will not lie, this is hard on me. And I’m tired of it.
I struggle when I try to explain this to the friends who know where we are. When I try to tell them about the match and the process and what we are going through here right now and everyone who has kids has said to me it’s just like when they had their children. But, I just don’t agree. (Feel free to disagree with me, but here me out first).
Having a child the “normal” or “traditional” way means that you go into your local hospital and you come out with a baby. Once you are released from the hospital you then go home. (It’s basic the dream, right?)
Not us. We had no idea where we were going once we are released from the hospital. Heck, we still don’t even know if we will take baby home with us, even now. We still have no idea what city we will be in or for how long. Right now, we have no kitchen and are relying on a microwave to sterilize everything and we have no idea if we will have access to a kitchen at the next destination. Infant laundry is not fun when you don’t have easy access to a washer and dryer. And to complicate our days further, currently we have daily conversations with our hotel about late check-outs and possible extensions of our stay. And we call our car rental company daily to extend our car rental. Oh, and we still have no idea when we will fly across the USA or when we will fly internationally to get home. And, to add to the frustration, we aren’t and wont be the ones directing these decisions, our lawyers and agency will be. And as we know, the agency sure doesn’t seem to care about how much this is costing us.
Oh, and we have no idea how to manage the medical system of a foreign country should Baby MPB be sick in any way. All I know is that it’s nothing like home where I just go to the nearest hospital and get treatment if I need it. (This one scares the bejeebers out of me, so we just keep desperately hoping he stays healthy).
So, while I’m complaining I do want to say that I know our friends mean well. I know they mean to say that babies don’t have schedules and no first time mom really knows what they are in for. But, it’s incredibly frustrating when they all seem to keep downplaying the fact that we are going to have an infant in a different country, in a hotel, with absolutely no-one nearby to call for help (amazingly, I do not know a single blogger that is near us – I’ve searched trying to find someone).
Yes, we are making it work. And yes, we have the most amazing little guy who makes every moment of this chaos worth it. It’s amazing in so many ways, and yet, I know without a doubt that this is not the normal way to be with your child the first few days, and I know the next few weeks are going to be hard. I know we can do it, and I truly believe we will be an amazing and happy story in the end.
Honestly, I guess I just want people in our lives to acknowledge that this is different. And that even if you remove all the uncertainties specific to adoption, just the fact that we are living in a hotel right now isn’t easy.
But, I guess just like so many things in the infertility, baby loss and adoption world, this is just another example of a circumstance where people want to say something helpful but just don’t know what to say.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
Hey, I’m from Michigan. If you have any questions that I can answer let me know. I don’t have a baby, but we’re adopting too and I feel your pain. Take care.
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You should appreciate what you have. 😉😁😊 Ha ha ha!
This is not at all comparable to having a new baby the traditional way. When you have a new baby, all you want is to be home with that baby. You’re not home. When you have a new baby, you want people to be able to help you keep up with laundry. You have no laundry room. When you have a new baby, the last thing you want is to travel. You’re not only traveling, but you don’t know where you’re going. When you have a new baby, you want to snuggle with that baby in your own bed. You’re in a hotel bed and not the same one every night.
SO NOT THE SAME.
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Exactly!!
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Totally incomparable. I can’t even fathom the added anxiety with adoption. You are so ready to begin your life as parents with your son, but you are stuck waiting on someone else to dictate how and when that can happen. It totally sucks that you have not found anyone close to you guys. 😦
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Ugh! Your last sentence hit the nail on the head. I’m so sorry things are difficult and I hope you get some answers soon. I don’t know how you are doing it but I know you will make it through! Sending love to you!
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Where are you located?
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I have friends who have a mix of biological and children via adoption. They’ve always said that the adoption route it the hardest, by far for all of the reasons that you’ve stated here. Huge hugs! I’m hoping you guys will be home soon. It must be so hard to be waiting and living in a hotel. I cannot wait to hear more about your son when he’s on Canadian soil!! 🙂
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I think that, while many things are obviously the same and yes, I am sure they are well-meaningly trying to direct your focus on that…. the truth is that this experience IS very different and if any of your friends with kids thought about how, in those first crucial moments of their lives with baby, they were at least in the comfort of their own space…. and how they probably would never have dreamed (or desired!) to be someplace foreign, no kitchen, no laundry, bills racking up, trying to be FIRST TIME PARENTS, nobody nearby to help or bring meals or WHATEVER… I just don’t think they are seeing the stress of that, PLUS the entire stress of the adoption process.
my heart & love go out to you guys. you’ll get through this, you’ll get home, it will get easier & less stressful. and trust me – when you are finally back home with baby, it will be much easier to deal with the lack of control. why? because the comfort of your own home & space will take such a load off all your shoulders.
for now, just enjoy that sweet baby. and know that it is okay to feel all the things you’re feeling.
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I have not a clue how you are feeling right now, I have never adopted and have never had a baby (yet! I am holding on to hope). I have noticed through miscarriage and general infertility that people so easily say they know how you feel when in fact the have not got a clue, I guess it is just that they want to say something helpful or maybe they think they know how you feel (they don’t!). It is frustrating and unhelpful but yes comes from a good place. Oh how I wish they was someone close by for you. This is going to be a massively challenging time for you, but I really believe you are a very strong woman and you will get through it. Amazing times are ahead of you.
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Aww Hon, I am sorry! You’re absolutely right, it’s not the same at all. Number 1, when they go into the hospital, they know that as long as that baby is healthy, they’re going home with it while you are left with uncertainty. People that aren’t in this situation can just never truly understand it. 😦
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Hav people lost their doggone minds?! How can they even begin to think this is “normal” first time mom stuff?! People kill me!! You have been on my prayer list for weeks and I’ll continue to hold you there! I’m so sorry. Praying this business day goes fast and at least that anxiety can be released that he is indeed YOURS. Even tho he is absolutely yours!!! Stay strong mama! We are all pulling for you!!
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Not the same. Having a newborn at home, with access to everything and to your village is hard. I couldn’t imagine what you’re going through. Without a doubt you’ll have a great adventure to tell for years to come, and the great thing that’ll come out of this is that when you DO get home at last, it’ll seem so much easier! Sending you lots of love. Xx
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I’m a mom of 5, both bio and adopted and live in the Triad area of North Carolina. Please let me know if I can help!
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What you’re going through sounds impossibly hard. I can’t imagine being with a newborn in a hotel. Could you see if there is anything available through AirBNB in your area? People often rent out houses for people on vacation, and maybe someone would be willing to do so to a new family with an infant. That way you’ll have at least a few days in a home with your baby. I wish there was something I could do to help. *hugs*
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You have just verbalized how I’ve felt throughout our infertility journey- just once I would have liked for someone to acknowledge that none of this is normal and it sucks. Once I tried explaining to a friend who has three kids (her hubby sneezes next to her and she gets preggers) how when you have infertility you are hyper aware of what can go wrong every step of the way. She went on a rant about how you never stop worrying about your kids. Ok that’s not what I meant. So I totally get what you’re saying, it’s NOT.THE.SAME.
ps- I am in brooklyn, ny if I can be of any help at all.
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We are in Georgia 🙂 This is NOT like any normal birthing situation and we all commend you for hanging on and navigating all of this craziness with class and patience!
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I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now — how chaotic it must feel not to know where you’ll be days or weeks from now, and adjusting to new parenthood in a hotel room with no friends or relatives nearby (not to mention in a country with an insane medical system that does not deal gently with scary foreigners and their helpless babies, argh!). I wish there were some way we could help! Hang in there, mama — you’re doing an amazing job. Hopefully the agency will tell you you can take Baby MPB home to Canada soon!
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Oh this is absolutely in no way normal! I really feel for you… You must be absolutely longing to get home.
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MPB, are you able/willing to tell us what region of the US you’re in? You have tons of readers and I’m sure many of them would be willing to help if we can, myself included. I know you’re not sure how long you will be in your current location or where you will end up but know there are people out there who are waiting to help if they can. I can’t imagine coping with the uncertainty and am keeping you all in my thoughts.
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Aw, good luck. Sometimes ppl say things with the best of intentions, but instead of making you feel better, you feel worse. Sometimes, we just need to vent, without someone trying to “fix” it or make it better. Sounds hard, all the unknowns. Good luck new mama!!
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I’m in Illinois. Would love to help you in anyway I can if you’re nearby 🙂
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I’m actually surprised that people would equate adopting with having a baby – as you said, you go into the hospital to have your baby and you leave (to go immediately home) with that baby – no uncertainty.
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I can’t imagine how hard it must be living with a newborn in a kitchen and laundry-less hotel room in a place you’ve never been before, with no support system. While you may not have traditional post partum hormones, I know my husband was an emotional wreck in the first few days after baby came home so it’s not just biology that makes new mamas a big ball of emotions on the verge of tears at most times. That has to be very challenging. Just keep your eye on the prize…you will eventually (hopefully soon) be home, and not just home, but home as a family of three. In the meantime I hope you’re basking in warm baby snuggles. They’re the best.
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Dont worry! Baby MPB is all yours😊. It is not going to change for any reason. I can imagine the anxiety you are experiencing. But, i would say spend that time without worrying too much!!. You are all set for a new beginning, you already have the baby in your arms😍😍
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You’re right, it isn’t the same and I can’t imagine the anxiety you must have not knowing what’s coming next. And, staying in a hotel WITH A NEWBORN is no joke…heck, staying anywhere but home with a newborn is so hard. I am sorry. Does he have some sort of health coverage while in the US/while adoption process is pending? Your social worker should have this info. If so, he would be covered if he gets sick. In my experience (which was not i international, but domestic adoption), the child was covered under state healthcare for children until the adoption process was completed. Let me know if you need help with figuring this out. I would be happy to research. Also, I’m in Missouri, but close to Kansas too. If you’re anywhere close to that, I could do your laundry, wash your bottles (the two things I always needed!) and bring food! Hang in there.
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What you’re going through is DEFINITELY not the same. The new baby part and him waking up, crying, diaper changes, and spit ups yes….but the process and uncertainty absolutely not. I feel like people who are not going through infertility, although they are trying to be helpful with what they say, often say the most absolute wrong or insensitive thing. They have good intentions, albeit it’s hard to console someone when you haven’t gone through it. You’re doing a great job and the best you can with your situation. I can’t even imagine living in a hotel..and with a newborn! You’re such a strong woman! I can’t remember where you’re located (or if you’ve mentioned in a previous post)- I’m in Southern California. Please let me know if you’re around here and if I can help in any way, meals, washing machine, whatever.
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Hey. I just told J this weekend that it would be really cool if you were in our area! I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I did a non conventional adoption and it was 2 years of pretty much hell on my nerves! Anyway, I hope you get to go home soon. If you need anything….bobbienoelle@yahoo.com
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I so totally get it! We are getting our little one from Ethiopia and once we get her we have to travel 34 hours home though UAE then Europe then finally to the USA! And right now we don’t know if it will be a baby or a toddler (we specified 3 months – the youngest – to 4 years as our age range) until we get our referral. It’s definitely a unique set of circumstances!!! Blogging though I gotta say is a great way to get out these frustrations! 🙂 Hang in there, you’re doing great!!!
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I’ve noticed a trend in discussion around the creation of families in which people like to say “it’s all the same”, when the take-home point I see here is not that we’re the same, but that “in the end, we’re all families, with the same love.” Adoption is not the same as gestating and birthing a baby. It’s not the same experience to be the gestational mom and the non-gestational mom. When people try to tell me that I’m no different as a mother because my wife is carrying our second child, I call BS. It *is* different, our experiences are entirely different! We have struggled with the fact that it is different but that no one will talk about how it is different more than the differences themselves at times.
My point is, there are things that are the same for you as for other parents (the love, the commitment, the joy), and things that are SO very different (uncertainty, the kinds of worry, access to familiar resources and community). I hope you can find people who can hear, understand, and validate your experiences without insisting that you’re having the “same” struggles.
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PS We’re in western Oregon if we can be of any help.
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Wow, definitely isn’t the same, and I’m sorry that your friends don’t seem to be acknowledging that. I really hope that you guys get back home soon, and that things smooth out for you. I completely understand what you mean about hating the uncertainties, I feel the same way (through IVF initially, and now through adoption). Hang in there, and I’m in Indiana if you’re close-by and need help!
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So frustrating and so unfair. Amazed by you and your ability to keep it together through all the unknowns. xo
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I cannot even imagine how hard and unsettling it must be to have a newborn in a hotel with NONE of the comforts of home. Hell, you’re in a different country entirely. My heart goes out to you! It is work enough having a newborn to care for, let alone all of this unknown, stress and being at the mercy of others.
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Wow! To be handling all this while you are experiencing being parents for the first time is so hard. You know maybe people think they are helping by down playing the stress of it all? Perhaps those that know you know you find it hard when things are out of control so in their own way they are trying to help that rather than make it worse if you know what I mean? Who knows. It is tough and you are entitled to rant about it. Can’t wait until you get home and there is a little more certainty for you. 🙂
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It’s absolutely NOT the same. You are right in that! Most people have their own families and homes just down the street. The Hubs and I had it hard in that we did not have the support but I couldn’t imagine doing the newborn thing in a hotel, with such an uncertain future, and especially with all the FTM emotions. It will go so fast though, and the little Mr will be just a tad and so much older. My only advice is to take one billion pictures! And coffee!!!!
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I’m in the Baltimore/DC area if that’s anywhere near where you are, and I’d be happy to help however I can!
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I can’t believe people would compare this to you giving birth to your son! That is nuts! What you are going through is WAY harder than the traditional way. It is so hard to be dependent on so many others to determine your future. Those who think it is the same have no clue. I’m sorry you have so many unknowns so often. However, CONGRATULATIONS on the arrival of your son! This is so amazing and I am so-o happy for you and your precious family!!! Wishing you all the best and the easiest process home as possible.
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What a very stressful situation on top of caring for a newborn which is crazy stressful. One foot in front of the other and praying this challenging time passes quickly. I am in south Florida if you are down here. Maedella makes microwave steam bags that are cheap (20 uses per bag) and quick if you’re stuck with the microwave business for a while longer. Big hugs.
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I so wish this had all happened close to me! We would have been more than happy to have you guys here (well, at least I would, B might have taken some convincing lol!) I understand how hard it is to live in a hotel, and have to worry about figuring out late checkouts and things like that. The one we stayed in last year did have laundry there though, so at least there was that! I know it would have been hard with a newborn though, especially if it was a foreign country. I wish there was something I could do to help, but you know how to get in touch with me if you need to talk and vent!
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Continuing to lift you all in prayer. I know this has to be incredibly difficult, but hopefully will be over soon. Where are you guys? What states do you have to go to next? I have family and a network of friends across the USA and am willing to help anyway I can. V
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You have my FULL acknowledgement that this is VERY different. And I am frustrated and bewildered that anyone with half a brain would distort this with a normal birth… Having said that, these are your friends and I’m sure they mean well but some people feel the need to ‘help’ by minimizing and this sounds like one of those times…
When I was early in this pregnancy, I had two women tell me about their early bleeding scares and how they went on to healthy pregnancies. Both knew I’d had previous losses. So how exactly is one bleeding scare the same as 5 losses and multiple bleeding scares in one pregnancy? It’s not. There shouldn’t be a comparison. Sometimes the best way to help is to acknowledge a situation truly is outside the zone of normal and listen and get your ego of of the way. So that’s what I offer you: as someone who’s very near to giving birth and wracked with various anxieties and worries let me say my experience is nothing like your experience and actually your experience is extremely complicated, period.
Okay, I’ll stop ranting now! Hang in there MPB, you’re doing great.💖😍😉👍🏻👪
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I’ve been praying for you. My sister lived in a hotel for over a month when they adopted the second time. Not out of the country, but across the us. I saw how hard it was for them. It’s not easy. Most of us, including myself don’t really understand. But I’m sending happy, calming thoughts!
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Cincinnati, OH you let me know if you’re anywhere near us and need anything at all! Anamarie.Waite@gmail.com 🙂
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San Francisco, California – let me know if you’re here, we’ll help you in any way we can.
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As for medical issues (hopefully they wouldn’t arise): look up an urgent care in your area. Those are basically walk-in clinics that can help with basic stuff and normally have reasonable enough costs.
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Absolutely it’s different and it’s a bit belittling of others to just lump you into the same box as their experience without trying to understand yours. I can’t imagine how hard it is to try and hang on with so many variables out of your control. It may be an exciting time but also a frustrating and scary one. I am just hoping you guys make it through the revocation period. Sending good thoughts!
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OH! Congrats on uncertain hotel life with Baby MPG, but HOLY HELL are those people so wrong about new motherhood being the same regardless. They may have had uncertainty with sleep, and feeding schedules, and figuring out new life with a new life, but they DID NOT have additional people involved, they DID NOT have the combo of joy and grief, they DID NOT have international travel involved (unless they were traveling internationally at the time for some reason), they DID NOT have living out of a hotel and waiting for paperwork to go through, they DID NOT have the uncertainty you still have as to whether or not you go home with your sweet baby. Shame on them for even trying to smooth over the differences, even in a misguided effort to make you feel like “one of the club.” It’s the same in many ways, but different in just as many, and so very very complex. Thinking of you at this time of joy and uncertainty!
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Northern CA and wish we could be of help to you!
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I’m in the Kansas City area, and if you are or will be anywhere near, I would love to help in any way I can. Thinking of you and hoping this next bit of uncertain time goes quickly!
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I’m in south Alabama! I think I remember you saying you were going to Florida but I don’t remember what city. If you need any advice on where you need to take Baby MPB in the event that you need to just ask me! :).
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I’m in Indiana and would love to help if you are nearby!
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Yeah, you definitely have a shitload of other factors that make parenting your newborn a difficult experience. I don’t remember if you’ve said where you are, but I’m in central North Dakota, and happy to help in anyway that I can. bitterinfertile@gmail.com
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