Texting
We’ve been texting almost daily with our birth mom. She has my cell phone number so I’m the one who sees and responds to most of her texts. As we get to know each other, she’s quickly creating a special spot in my heart reserved just for her.
I look forward to her texts. I enjoy hearing about how baby is doing. And I also like knowing that she is also doing well.
But, I’ve also realized that I really don’t like our texts. I’m always worried about saying the right thing. But of course, there is no right thing and no handbook for what to say to a birth mom who is carrying the child you hope to call your own. But, I still worry. Of course I do, I worry about everything.
In addition, I think it’s safe to say I hate our texting mostly because if she doesn’t respond I worry. Like seriously worry.
- Is baby okay?
- Does she no longer like us? Has she changed her mind?
- Maybe she’s going into early labour and she’s decided not to tell us so we won’t be able to raise Baby MPB.
- Did I say something wrong in my last text? What if I said something wrong?
Rationally, I know these are all possibilities. But so is the fact that maybe she’s in the shower and didn’t see my text. Or maybe she’s out with a friend and didn’t see my text. Or maybe, she just didn’t feel like responding right away because she’s doing any of a million other things that have nothing to do with me/us.
I have to say, I’m really glad we are building a relationship with her. She seems very sweet, loving and kind. But honestly, I hate this part of the adoption process. My mind and my heart are set on this little baby, and knowing every day that baby is out there literally across the continent and I cannot do anything is driving me crazy. This is by far the worst waiting so far. And, knowing our child is out there growing stronger every day is hard to celebrate when we know that there is a real possibility we won’t bring baby home with us. So much can change in an instant and we just don’t know because ultimately the decision to parent this little baby is not ours.
I keep trying to stay hopeful. I keep trying to focus on the positives. I keep trying, but I cannot lie, some days are hard.
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Hugs and love. You will have the little baby meant for you all along in your arms soon enough. Xo
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I’ve been following your journey (CONGRATS!) but as a birthmom myself, I think you are using some terminology that is a bit wrong – and I say this not out of a mean place in my heart but as someone who has been dealing with adoption for 9 years now.
Please, please quit calling her ‘our birthmom’. You don’t own her, nor is she your mom. She is the potential birthmom of your potential child.
Secondly, she’s not a birthmom. Not yet. She’s an expectant woman planning to place her child for adoption. Just as someone isn’t a widow until their spouse passes or isn’t a bride until they are married, she’s not a birthmom until after she gives birth and places.
I don’t mean this to sound like a rant. Provided all goes according to plan, I look forward to following your parenting journey.
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Thank you for your comment, I always appreciate the ability to learn from those who have walked a similar path.
I know I will never get the terminology correct, it seems like everyone has a different perspective on what the right words are for each person involved. I try to do my best and use the terminology used in my part of the world by the agencies we are working with. Further, I am trying to use terminology that allows me to completely avoid using real names (i.e non identifying to respect privacy) and still make it clear who I’m talking about in each post. I do specifically want to comment on my use of “our” birth mother, I used this in the same way I’d say my dad, my husband, my brother, my dog to signify someone special in my life who has a special role. Just like these people, I do not own them and would never mean to imply that I do.
Again, I do appreciate your perspective and the opportunity to learn from your experiences and perspective.
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I have had similar thoughts as you, because we looked into adoption and seeing things from the first moms perspective was very important to me and I learned a great deal about adoption in the US (I favor adoption, but I don’t favor the business and coercion it involves here). What would you suggest MPB use for terminology? You made great points above, but didn’t suggest alternatives. Knowing MPB and her audience, I think suggestions would be valued. 😁 I know just from an inquisitive perspective like mine, I’d be curious what you’d suggest. I suggested calling her “baby’s mom,” because that’s who she is.
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I’m a birthmom too and I would suggest just giving her a nickname for blog purposes. Betty, the expectant mom who has matched with us in an adoption plan for her unborn child. Thereafter, just Betty. 🙂 In real life, if MPB has only shared with very close and trusted friends, her real first name works.
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Sorry, I am just getting back to this.
A nickname, or potential Birthmom, seem to work well. I understand that everyone is trying and that no one will ever get it all the way right (is there an all the way right?).
Thank you. Seriously. Some people just don’t get it.
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Your nervousness regarding communication resonates strongly with me. I’ve always had anxiety surrounding long distance communication, I can only imagine the stress of it for your situation. Thinking calm thoughts your way.
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It must be incredibly difficult. And I imagine it must feel like she could change her mind at any point – after all, you know how badly YOU want this, so how can she not feel the same? Trust in what is meant to be – each day is a day closer and hopefully nothing will change that. I have everything crossed for you at this delicate time! X
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Ugh, I can’t imagine how anxiety-inducing the texting process must be. It reminds me of my dating days, when I would meet a new person I like and every text and response time was fraught with meaning. It was exciting and terrifying all at once. Except in this case, the stakes are so much higher, so I can imagine all of those feelings are magnified times a million. You are doing great, though…with everything. You’re pretty much a champ in my book!
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Ha I just wrote something very similar re texting and dating and then saw this comment. Great minds X
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I think open adoption is terrific, but I read this and think, “in the old days, you just got a call and got to skip this anxiety.”. I have to imagine that this is a very difficult time, getting to know a young woman who is planning to give you her child, all the time knowing that she may choose to parent. At this point, if that would happen (it won’t!), you’d sort of lose two people you planned to have in your life forever. I’d be terrified of becoming “too close” in an attempt to protect my heart.
The comment above about terminology is interesting because I’ve thought the same things as her. But I’m not sure what the correct terminology is. I think, right now, she’s, “baby’s mom.”. I know that that’s what first mom advocates prefer. So tricky and difficult because everyone has different preferences and sensitivities.
I’m glad that you guys are getting to know each other!
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I remember feeling exactly the same way! There was one day where I collapsed in a big heap of tears because our son’s birth mom didn’t respond to our email. I could have sworn it meant that she must have hated us or what we wrote to her but it turned out she just hadn’t checked her email in a couple of days. It’s 100% normal. I have been following your journey for a while now and am so excited to see you’ve been matched. This stage was certainly the hardest for us because so much is hanging on what ifs. My husband and I hope things continue to progress and work out for you. Adoption has been life altering for us and the biggest blessing of our lives.
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Ugh…I definitely don’t envy this part of what you’re going through and yet I can’t wait for the day that I’m worrying about the same things! Sending you lots of love!
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Worry, worry, worry! It’s always something! If it’s not worrying about her lack of response or whether or not the process will go through it will be something else. I hope that amidst the worry you are taking good care of yourself. I know since having Luke my worries have increased dramatically (SIDS, eating enough, ?) and I’m trying to tell myself that what will be will be and I’m doing the best I can and that’s all that matters. And you are doing the exact same thing! You Are so prepared and deserving of this gift and even though it’s overwhelming please know that I’m confident you will get through it!
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MPB, as you know, I’m more familiar with the perspective of baby’s first mom, but maybe I can shed some light?
The woman who chose you to be her baby’s parents did not make the decision lightly. It is very, very unlikely that someone who thinks highly enough of you to want you to raise her child, is going to be so fickle as to change her mind over something insignificant. If you continue to be thoughtful and kind, express interest in both her and her unborn child, I simply cannot fathom that you will stumble into some kind of enormous, match-destroying faux pas. Really. She likes you! In a huge way that would be really tough to mess up. I can PROMISE you that.
I would suggest (and I know it is much easier said than done!!) that you make it a specific goal not to reflect on your communication with baby’s mom until the end of the day. That way you’ll know if a late response just meant she was on a phone call or at the store or in the shower (well, you won’t know…you’ll just be more confident in assuming that since she did eventually respond!) 🙂
That’s not to undermine your nerves about things not working out. But the biggest reason matches don’t work out is because the mom decides to parent. Obviously that possibility is always there and that’s a reasonable fear. I really, really hope that doesn’t happen to you. But try not to be too hung up on the possibility of failure, because you want your child’s story to be one of giddy excitement and love.
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Life is a pendulum for many adoptees. Our lives seemed to be filled with emotional peaks and valleys. We tend to be euphorically high and joyously buoyant or woefully dispirited in the doldrums. Our expectations vary from soaring to melancholic rock-bottom. Struggling to maintain emotional control, gain confidence and work our way up the mountain, we plummet uncontrollably down the flip side; our emotions are an animated roller coaster dominated by the thrill of exhilaration followed by stomach churning precipitous free fall descents on the downside. In response to events that are either real or imagined, we bounce between heaven and hell, sheer bliss and purgatory, heartbroken and loved, hopeful and pessimistic, and contentment and panic. Transitions are nonexistent, and the intensity of our emotions, whether high or low, often seem to be far outside the natural range of variability for healthy living.
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This is exciting. Full of nerves, but excitement too.
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Just sounds to me like you’re preparing to be a mom with all that healthy paranoia 🙂
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I could see how this communication is like a love/hate relationship. Thinking of you during this wait ❤️
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It’s so scary to not be able to foresee the future, and I think you are doing a great job managing your expectations for this incredible, life-changing event. I’m glad you are building a relationship with the birth mom and I would think she is glad to have the relationship with you as well. I am always sending you positive thoughts and good vibes.
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It reminds me of first dates with someone you really like. Then the texting and waiting for that reply and trying to understand any nuances or ambiguity. Ugh. I do not envy you. The thing with babies is that everything is a phase and some phases are great and other phases have parts that suck while they are great. I kind of see this process as one of those. Wishing it to pass quickly and without too much anxiety.
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This whole process sounds so anxiety producing! It’s so hard when so much is not in your control. So much of life is not in our control, really, but when it relates to more mundane things, we aren’t really as aware of that. But when it’s so life altering such as becoming parents, it can bring on so much anxiety. Even though I’m now in the last month of this pregnancy, I feel worried often about things going wrong. Because I know only so much is within my control. I’ve been trying to meditate or at least pay attention to my thoughts when my anxiety starts rising. Sending peaceful thoughts your way when you read those texts! xo
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Hugs hugs hugs
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Ah I get that you are facing so many feelings of judgement. It’s like walking on thin ice. However, I’m sure she finds you lovely and can’t wait to meet you in person. 🙂
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Awesome news love I like this contact with her. Have you had any pics of the baby yet?
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