The Next Steps
After our phone call the next steps were laid out to us pretty clearly.
- We all let the social worker know that we are still interested in moving forward. Both Mr. MPB and I and the birth mom have to let the social worker know. This is done.
- The lawyer contacts the potential birth father to terminate his parental rights. (Birth father can choose to terminate their rights during the pregnancy, birth mother cannot until after delivery and their timeline varies from state to state.)
- There are about a billion more steps after this, but I’m trying to focus on small incremental steps as to prevent becoming overwhelmed.
If the lawyer cannot terminate birth father rights, we will walk away. We are not interested in pursuing an adoption where a birth father wants to parent. That’s not how we want to create our family. And practically, we are not interested in the legal bills that would go along with such a fight.
And so, now wait to find out what happens with the potential birth father. At the same time we will continue to talk to the birth mom and work to build our relationship.
And more than anything we continue to hope that the pieces keep falling into place.
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I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on small steps! Here’s to hoping that everything continues to progress in the right direction!
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Yaaaaay. Small steps, big steps it’s all moving in the right direction. I bet your on cloud nine right now. How’s mr handling it???
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Being the mother of boys, it upsets me that men can terminate their parental rights before the birth. What makes them different? Why doesn’t my son have the same rights as the mother of his child? How can he possibly KNOW before setting that child that he doesn’t want to parent it? That is upsetting, and adds to my frustration with our country’s execution of adoption. That is a form of coercion, just to the birth father and not the birth mother.
Why walk away? Maybe the birth father just wants to have the same amount of time to decide as the mother. That seems, dare I say, appropriate? I would think that’s the sign of a caring birth father.
I’m not trying to be combative, this just struck a chord with me. Once again, adoption in the US not looking out for birth PARENTS, just mothers.
I hope it works out as you’d like. You are my friend and I want you to be happy! I just want EVERYONE to be happy with the situation, birth dad included.
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We’ve asked the question as to why birth fathers can sign while birth mom is pregnant and the answer is that men are not under the influence of hormones so the laws allow them to sign whenever. Of course, I’d argue that having a birth mother signage pregnancy she still has hormones. But alas, my opinion on this doesn’t matter and definitely doesn’t change the laws.
Second as to walking away if he would not sign. I need to be clear, no-one other then our lawyer knows this. Because you are right, that could be viewed as coercion. And coercion is something we would ABSOLUTELY NOT participate in.
Additionally, in our lawyers experience (who has been doing this for his entire 20+ year career), if a bf doesn’t sign during the pregnancy he won’t sign after, and given the substantial money involved the second we agree to the match and the fact that we will NEVER take a child from someone who wants to raise it and have zero interest in this situation so we would walk away.
And, I will say, just like you, we want this adoption to be best for EVERYONE. That is our goal and if we receive any signs that it’s not, then it won’t be the match for us.
Does this help clarify things a bit?
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Thank you, this does clarify the lawyers experience. I still strongly disagree with this practice. Your lawyers experience solidifies my belief that no one, men included, should be terminating parental rights before the birth.
I totally understand, though, why you would walk away. Thank you for explaining!
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It’s amazing how many pieces of a puzzle you have to solve. What strength it takes to journey through everything!
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Baby steps, literally!
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That’s riiiight… babies have fathers, don’t they? (I’m joking, obv.) It didn’t really occur to me to factor in the father, which is an embarrassing oversight on my part. I think it’s admirable you’re thinking of him as well- if any parent wants to parent, they should be given that chance. Knowing exactly ZERO about the adoption process, I wonder why this isn’t determined before a match is made? This is, of course, incredibly complicated and I’m sure people much smarter than me have already posited this question…
I know that you’re seeking an open adoption and want to include the birth mother as much as possible. Do you see the same kind of relationship happening with the birth father?
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As a mom of boys, what a reader commented above struck a chord with me. But I guess the very fact that you spoke to the birth mom and not birth parents indicates a hands off or keep off attitude foe the birth father.
I dont know what to wish for here honestly, so I wish u both the best of luck and joy.
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One thing I’ve learned is that every adoption is different. Sometimes the birth father’s are actively involved and sometimes they are not. Unlike the birth mom, who clearly has to be involved, the birth father does not have to be in the same way. That said, they do have to sign off or adequate time (30 days) after birth has to be given for them to come forward and claim parental rights. For us, being international, 30 days isn’t an option. And of course the emotional termoil that 30 days would cause for us is some thing we just don’t want to go through. Our goal is to be supportive of everyone involved in this adoption, including us. And I think knowing our limits is also an important component.
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I completely share your sentiments here. You need to be supportive of everyone, including yourself.
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Is this just an international adoption thing- letting dad sign away rights before the birth?
I agree you need to protect yourselves. That is critical!!!
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It’s a USA thing. We follow all the same rules as any domestic USA adoption, then add on the international process once we’ve met the USA rules. If anything, the international element makes it more rigorous because the adoption has to meet the standards of the Hague Convention. By the way, I’m always happy to answer your questions to the best of my knowledge. ☺
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I hadn’t thought about that! Yeah, where was dad during the selecting and call. Grrr. Not MPBs job, but the adoption process in the US is failing fathers and their families.
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The dad can be involved and in some adoptions he will be. In which case he actually signs different papers which are the same as the birth mom’s – relinquishment papers. I’m not too knowledgeable about that side of things though as that’s not our situation.
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I just want you to know that I am beyond THRILLED for you, and I hope with all of my heart that this all goes very smoothly! My issues I’ve stated are with adoption in the US and not with you. I know you know this, but I have to say it. I can’t say it enough!!!!
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I will be thinking of you. I really hope and pray that this continues to go smoothly. This is all so exciting, I just pray it continues to go off without a hitch.
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My oh my! I couldn’t imagine how much all of this is wearing on you. You are so incredibly strong and doing a wonderful job focusing on the small moments so the bigger ones don’t overburden you. I would have to assume that you did already ask the birth mom about the biological father’s involvement in her pregnancy and have an inking as to which way that is going to go. I am praying for you guys every night.
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Praying all goes smoothly and seamlessly !
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Fingers crossed that the birth father is clear on what he wants and gives a definite answer. What a happy/sad/confusing time for you all – praying it all falls into place. 🙂
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Happy/sad/confusing is a perfect way to describe all of this!!
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Heck yeah…and I agree so much, both for your sake and for the birth father, and of course the child entering this world. Fingers and toes crossed 🙂
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I’m finally caught up!! I am so beyond excited for you. I’m sure they’ll all agree that every one of us in this community has forgotten all of our problems and we are in your corner rooting for you and Mr MPB. This is so amazing!!
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Sending you lots of luck and positive thoughts 🙂
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I hope things fall into place. I can understand about the birth father. Good luck; you’re getting close.
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I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere in the US, but I know in WI, they put notices in the paper trying to find the BF if a name is not given, before the court date. Of course, right now, in WI, the BM has until you go to court to change her mind which can be anywhere from 30 days to 2-3 months depending how busy the courts are in the area the baby was born. I also remember the adoption workers talking about some kind of system that guys can sign up for to be notified if they conceive a baby and the baby’s being given up. I can’t remember the details or how it works exactly, J can’t either, but I do remember them talking about it. WI has some of the stricter adoption laws, although they are trying to put a bill through for BM’s to have less time to change their minds and not have to appear in court to do so like they do now.
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