An Untimely Reminder of What Can Go Wrong

  Posted on January 6, 2016 By

 35 Comments

Yesterday morning, about 30 minutes before our call with our birth mother, we got a message from friends.  The timing could not have been worse.  Instead of going into the phone call excited, we went in nervous.

They are also adopting.  They had a match. In fact, the baby was born and they had begun parenting.

But then, everything that could go wrong did go wrong.  Evidently the agency didn’t show up to get consents signed. The documents weren’t processed correctly. The legal team and the social workers were not communicating. The extreme struggle she went through sounds exceptionally bad. In fact, it sounds worse than my worst nightmares

Ultimately, the birth parent changed their minds after a few days.  They are now dealing with a failed adoption.

I cannot speak for my friends, but I think I can confidently say it sounds absolutely horrible for everyone involved.

In the end, regardless of whatever exactly happened all I know is that my friend had a baby and now she doesn’t. She is heartbroken. From my perspective as another waiting adoptive parent, I appreciate her heartbreak, even if I cannot truly understand it as I have not actually been in her shoes.  (Note, that I also fully respect the birth parent’s right to change their mind, but that’s not the focus of today’s post).

A failed match has been one of our biggest fears, but now thanks to our friend’s experience we have another one: Incompetent people running our adoption.

I am incredibly worried. We are trusting the exact same people to process our adoption and it sounds like between everyone involved they cannot put 2 and 2 together. This all seems like a bit too much. I’m afraid for what this will mean to our adoption. Or rather, I’m petrified.

When we travel for our child, we will not be in control. No matter how hard we try, these people are. And if they don’t know how to be competent, then we are kind of screwed!

And yet, I have to remind myself that our adoption is different. We have a different birth mom. We have different state laws. We are different people. Our situations are truly different.

But, whenever I think about the agency involved, there’s an old saying that I just cannot push out of my mind.

Past performance is generally the best predictor of future behaviour.

I’m scared and I’m worried. And I also know that this is completely out of my hands and I have to find a way to let it go and not eat my alive for the next little while.

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 Category: Adoption      Tags: , , , , , , , ,

35 Comments on “An Untimely Reminder of What Can Go Wrong”

  1. I’m sorry for your friend. How awful. And I’m sorry you learnt the news so close to your call with the birth mother. I can only imagine the mixture of emotions you are feeling. I will continue to think good thoughts for you all as the process moves forward.

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  2. Wow, that is awful. It is scary to depend on other people to do their jobs for something as precious and important as this and for them to drop the ball. But did the birth mother change her mind because of their incompetency, or would that have happened anyway?

    I will send good thoughts to you and pray that all involved in your journey to parenthood do their jobs and do them well!

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    • You, I cannot answer that question, I have no idea. But, I do strongly believe in a birth parents right to change their mind so while I feel so deeply for my friend, I also respect the birth parents choice. I just hope we don’t end up in a similar situation.

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  3. I know the fear can’t disappear completely but you are right. Your situation is different. I know you will get through this and the little one meant for you will be yours. Xo

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  4. Oh dear, I can’t even begin to imagine what your friend must be feeling like. Try to not let it eat at you. Each situation is so different. This whole ride sounds so exhausting, I hope your hanging in there. Sending my thoughts your way today

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  5. Definitely an adoptive parents worst fear. I’m so sorry your friend is having to go through this. I totally get the fear it’s causing for you and I’m praying that everything goes smoothly for you and all paperwork gets taken care of it as it should!

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  6. This is hard, because I am sad for your friends, but also support the changing of the birth parents minds. Too many states don’t have a reasonable amount of time for a change of heart. It’s so tricky.

    You are right, your adoption is different, and I believe (and hope) it will end with a very happy MPB family!

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  8. This is simply terrible, and I can’t imagine how devastated they are, or how scared you must be. Since you’re not yet in the throes of adoption, and you ask the agency to lay out everything that you’ll need to sign and do, and ask for someone who you can follow up with, to make sure you avoid the same situation? Also, and forgive me because I fear this is a rather rude question; if an adoption fails, do you have to pay the agency all over again to attempt another adoption? I’m so very sorry for your friends, and I’ll keep sending positive thoughts your way. *hugs*

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    • I think most agencies require that the adoptive parents absorb costs associated with supporting the expectant mom, so that would be money “lost.” But there are many legal fees and fees associated with processing paperwork that adoptive parents will not have to pay a second time.

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  9. I am soo sorry for your friend. That is a nightmare for all involved.
    But…. Sweetie, dont let that unfortunate event rule your thoughts and fear the worst. Keep prayinn and telling yourself everything will be alright. Praying for you. Hugs.

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  11. I’m so sorry for your friends. And that is exactly my own fears re: adoption. Considering how incredibly trying TTC and recurrent miscarriage is, I can only imagine how infinitely worse it would be to have a child *in your arms* only to have it taken away from you.
    It’s interesting that you included that quote, because I often use it’s opposite to help me get through situations like this: past performance is not a predictor of future results. I hope that one is more accurate for your situation. ❤

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  12. Remember how I said you were coming in for a landing? Well take-offs and landings are known to be the most dangerous parts of a flight. Maybe this call was timely in that you need to keep your emotional guard up for just a little while longer. To be honest, I worried more about your last post more – when you mentioned tears and feelings of love. In my experience, every adoption has some hick-up or trouble – and each one is different. But in every case, things worked out in the end. I have no doubt they will for you too. Stay strong. And watch out for yourselves – especially now!

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  14. I’m so sorry for your friend and her partner. Losing a baby is horrible, no matter the method.

    I hope your adoption goes well, I’m really happy that you’ve been matched. Try to remember you have no control over the situation, you can only hope as anyone can when waiting for a baby. I’ll keep fingers crossed for you.

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  17. So very tough no matter what the process is. My husband and I agreed early on that we couldn’t handle the stress of adopting from a pregnant mother because of that exact possibility (the mom changing her mind – not the paperwork part, as it seems like a crapshoot hoping your agency knows what they’re doing!). Breathe……….

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  18. I’m so sorry for your friend. It may not make it any easier but it’s good that you are preparing yourself for all possibilities. I’m confident that no matter what happens you’ll be able to get through it.

    Best wishes.

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  20. Ugh that would make me stressed too! Can you raise it with them and make a series of reminder calls about each step? Sorry if that is a naive suggestion. I clearly have no clue how this works. Anyway this agency surely can’t have this happen all the time. While past performance is an indicator there are many examples of past performance for them and this is only one so I am going to hope that this one is the aberration and that heads are rolling internally for the F up. A failed match is absolutely heartbreaking. I feel for your friend xx

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  21. My heart breaks for your friend. I can totally understand why this would put you on edge and I think it’s hard to remind yourself that your adoption is different but it is different. I’m hoping for the best for you and your friend!

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  23. So sorry that your friend has had to go through this situation. I can’t even imagine how incredibly heartbreaking it must be. I hope that all of your paperwork goes much more smoothly than theirs did, and you will not have to experience something like this yourselves. Much love to your friends…and to you guys! ❤

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  24. I’m so so sorry for your friend. That sounds awful and traumatic! I’m hoping and praying they are able to heal. And also, that this doesn’t reflect at all on your current adoption situation. You’d think because it’s their job they would actually do it. How frustrating and scary!

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  26. I’m so sorry for your friend. That must have been so devastating. They are in my thoughts. I am keeping you in my thoughts as well, that this process goes smoothly and the people running it are doing their jobs correctly. And your birth mom and son are also in my thoughts. Sending you the best of wishes.

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  27. I am so sorry for your friend and for all parties involved. It must be so incredibly difficult for everyone and I really can not begin to understand what they are going through. Your situation is different so keep reminding yourself that, but I appreciate you are now terrified! Continue to hope it goes to plan because hope gives us the strength to get through challenging times. You continue to be in my thoughts and I have so much hope for your happy ending.

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  28. I truly feel like your situation is different and hers certainly doesn’t dictate yours. I also know how real this fear is and how something like that can trigger so many emotions and doubts without control. I think back to your post about your love-hate relationship with hope. Remember that post? But I truly feel like this is where you need to have hope. Hope that a year from now will be completely different and you’ll be snuggling your son. So much love to you. xoxo

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  29. That sucks big time. Don’t hide from joy! A failed placement will hurt regardless of how you let yourself feel in the days and months leading up to birth and placement. No matter what happens THEN, right NOW things are wonderful. You guys have had so little to celebrate and be joyful about – choose joy for this little pocket of time. I’m so sorry for your friends and still SO EXCITED FOR YOU

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  31. That is just so terrible for your poor friends. I can’t even imagine wha they are going through and the fear that it has caused in you. It’s just awful. Here hoping and praying all goes smoothly and that incompetence stays far away from your experience…

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