Fuming Angry

  Posted on December 30, 2015 By

 46 Comments

I’m fuming right now.

I’m livid.

No, the world is not ending. The adoption is still proceeding (so don’t panic).

But, I’ve realized that I will not be able to be a stay-at-home mom.

It’s funny, for years I never thought I wanted to be. Then 5 miscarriages later, I realized I want nothing more than to raise my own child for their first few years.

But, then we chose international adoption with bills that literally make me sick to my stomach. Living off one income wasn’t really an option. Returning to work for a big corporate wasn’t really an option either. And so, I started my own consulting firm.   I’ve come to love and am passionate about what I’m doing. I enjoy the flexibility.

BUT, now I do not get any maternity leave. Literally zero.

Mr. MPB is also self-employed, and has been for a number of years.

So, every single day we are in the USA, we will make no money. Neither one of us gets paid for any time off, we have no vacation pay and no source of income unless we work.

We had no idea when an adoption would happen so I continued to work and continued to accept new contracts. I needed to. I cannot sit at home twiddling my thumbs waiting. I’m not meant for that. And, quite frankly we need the money. And so I have made commitments and I have no choice but to honour them because my clients will not wait for me to take an extended leave.

So, the combination of work commitments, adoption bills and lack of maternity leave means both Mr. MPB and I will be attempting to work remotely in the US. And once we come home, we will both be attempting to work and parent.

We are already looking to hire a nanny to come into our home 2 days a week. It will be expensive, but with all things about us having kids, expense seems to be the least of our concerns. We don’t have much choice so we will just make it work.

But, it’s going to be hell. I just don’t see how trying to work as a professional and raise a baby is going to be fun for anyone in the MPB household. I suspect I am going to feel like a failure at everything because I know I won’t be able to do everything. And I already know this will result in intense mommy guilt.

And so right now, I’m angry. I’m angry at the cost of adoption. I’m angry that the road to our child has been so hard and now we cannot give them everything we’ve dreamed about.

This working with an infant is not how I want to spend my child’s first few days and months and years.

It’s not what I’ve dreamed about.

I feel like we are going to be cheated out of so many special moments.

And most importantly, I already feel like we are cheating our child.  I feel like I’m letting them down and not able to give them everything they deserve.  It breaks my heart.

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 Category: Adoption, Baby      Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

46 Comments on “Fuming Angry”

  1. Breathe! It’s okay! There are plenty of working Mommy’s out there. You will do the best you can. The fact that you are even worrying about it makes you a good parent 🙂 You are providing a life for your family – for your child. There is nothing wrong with that! It’s easy to feel guilty – but know that you’re doing the best you can and it is perfectly fine! 🙂

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  2. I completely understand. I want nothing more than to stay home full time but we cannot afford it. So I work. Thankfully it’s only part time but there’s still the guilt. Your child will still be loved beyond measure and you will still put them first regardless of having to work. It’s going to be okay.

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  3. Take a deep breath. You will all be absolutely fine. Yes, it may be tough, but think of everything you’ve been through over the past few years. If you can get through that, then you will get through the tough times over the next few years! Remember that nobody can do it all, so make sure you ask your friends to help out wherever possible. Just take each day as it comes.

    I also think there’s a lot to be said for being a working mum. You will teach your child so many positive life lessons! My mum was self-employed and went back to work very soon after I was born. She said that she found it hard in many ways, but in a way it was more rewarding as you value every single minute you have with your child. Instead of going stir-crazy just being a mum 24/7 and getting bogged down in the silly little things that just didn’t matter, she got to have a little ‘adult time’ then get really excited about coming home and seeing the kids. It may not be the way you wanted it, but you will find many positives in whatever way it plays out.

    x x x

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  4. Wow, your government doesn’t support you with benefits for maternity leave even if you are self employed? I’m sorry that really sucks 😦 I don’t like Canada anymore.

    I absolutely get why you are angry with the cost of adoption. I’m angry for you too! It’s not how it is supposed to be!!! But you are going to be a wonderful working mum and you can absolutely do both, you’ve got this 🙂

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    • They (Canada) do support people who are self employed. A friend of mine is a consultant and got her time off. I let MPB know just in case she didn’t know. ❤

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      • OK…Canada can go back on one of my favourite countries list 🙂 I know in the UK there are some rules like having to have paid taxes in last number of weeks and it covers adoption too. So I hope for MPB there is some good news from the govt!

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      • You need to have paid towarda EI and worked 600 hours paying to EI for you to avail the benefits. Having said that, most self employed people do return to work asap because their clients cannot wait for them. Some pros and cons of being self enployed.

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  5. Just remember that parenting is really all about doing whatever it takes. If whatever it takes takes a working mommy, so be it. Try to remember that it hurts you WAY more than it hurts them… They are really fine with whatever lifestyle you lead and will come out no worse for the wear. It’s mommy that feels (understandably) shortchanged, but on the other hand, you’ll appreciate every moment that much more. Everything is a trade off, and if anyone can make this work… It’s you!

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  6. I’m sorry that this is yet another obstacle in your way. The good news is you have handle all the other obstacles and I’m confident you will leap over this hurdle too! Your baby will be loved and provided for and because of that will be happy. You already have so many good qualities that all parents should have!

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  7. I can completely understand your anger. It is so awful to realize everything that infertility has taken from you, even with all the joys that are still yours to have. I did not want to be a SAHM forever, but my school district would have allowed for me to be out for two full years and still have a job waiting for me upon my return. That option is long gone, and while we are fortunate enough to be able to plan for six months of maternity leave, FIVE DAYS of which is paid because it’s not a medical disability situation like pregnancy and birth, it still stings. To not be able to take any true maternity leave is just so infuriating, I’m sure. I hope that you and Mr. MPB can make it work so that you each get quality time with your bundle. It may be hard to think about now, but children have a way of understanding the sacrifices their parents made out of love and desire for them. I wish you all the best as your situation unfolds. I agree with Anamarie, you are fierce and a problem-solver and you will figure out a way to make things work for your family.

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  9. I’m so sorry. Life is not ever going to be perfect and there are times we have to do things we don’t want to. It’s not easy but we have to make the best of what things are.

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  10. Wait a minute – a friend of mine is also a consultant and she got her 600 hours of work and was able to get the money from the government for her time off/EI. She wasn’t able to afford to take the whole year, but she took 8 months. I’m sure you’ve already looked into this but just thought I’d mention it just in case you could make at least take a couple months. I guess that may not work with your obligations to your clients…

    That said, you are NOT letting your child down by putting them in the care of a nanny while you work. Not at all! You’re still the one who will be doing most of the work/child rearing. I’m sorry infertility and the adoption expenses have robbed you of the precious time with your little one. It’s supremely unfair.

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    • So I guess I wasn’t super clear. My small business doesn’t pay into EI, a choice I made for a number of reasons. And even if I chose to, assuming I fit certain criteria (which im not sure i do) my clients wouldn’t wait around for 12 months or even 6 months or even 2 months. They wouldn’t be required to by law, nor could I reasonably expect them to as they hire my company (therefor me as the only employee) for short term projects.

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  11. I am so sorry and so angry with you. It really is unfair that after all you have been through you don’t have the option to stay home all day and stare at your miracle if that is what you wanted to do. I feel guilty reading this because I am able to stay at home (however due to recent ivf loans this may not be permanent). Most of my Mom friends are working in some capacity and I sometimes envy their interaction with the world and I will tell you that their kids are just as happy and maybe even more social than my little guy. That being said– it is a loss if you want to stay at home and can’t. I won’t minimize it but I will simply say I am hugging you tight and perhaps one day you will find you like your situation or it will change. Xo

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  12. I want to be able to do the same thing, but I don’t know that I’ll be able to either. I would say that these days probably more parents work than don’t, so you won’t be alone. I know it’s not what you want, and not ideal for what you dreamed, but you will figure out a way to make it work. Maybe once the contracts you’re working on right now finish, you will be able to take a break for a while? I wish that I could come and be your nanny for you!! Though I’m afraid you wouldn’t get much work done because we’d be chatting lol. Try not to stress too much over the things that you can’t change (I’m pretty sure that you’ve told me that on more than one occasion!) and take things one day at a time. Everything will work out in the end, and your baby will not be any less loved or cared for. *hugs*

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    • Yes I was thinking that maybe once the current contracts are finalised you will be able to take a break if that’s what you want. Still, it is distressing to lose a dream or expectation for how something will be and I am get that. All I will say is that things often have a way of working themselves out once you are in them so don’t give up hope that you will find happiness and balance before this part of the journey has even begun 🙂

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  13. Awww Hon, I’m sorry. I totally get your anger and am right there with you. Even if we got pregnant, unless the birth fell during the summer, I’d only be able to maybe take a week or two off from work. In home daycare isn’t really conducive to maternity leave. I hope the ladies above are correct and it turns out you will get some kind of leave from your government. That being said, you will do awesome! Even working, you will be a great Mama and your child will learn plenty of lessons from you and Mr. MPB through the way you handle work/family life. I know this a huge blow to you right now, especially with an adoption match now pending. I know you’re tired of the struggles and having to always fight your way through things and be strong, but please don’t grow weary now! You’ve got this and I’m sending you as much love, strength and peace as I can from WI! Love you!

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  14. Just as you have problem-solved and navigated every single step of this journey, you’re going to face this new challenge head-on and sort out a good solution for yourself. Trust yourselves to manage it all, because you WILL. You are going to give your baby the love, safety, security, and stimulation that he or she needs, and that is the BEST thing you can do as a parent. Take a deep breath and KNOW that you’re going to figure this out, even if you don’t know how and when.

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  15. Its ok MPB. There are plenty of
    Moms out there who have to work, its not that just because you get to stay at home you are a better mom than a mom who works. You are doing the best for your baby and thst makes you a great mom. i know you are not happy because the situation is not what you dreamed it to be, but hey, workig mom with baby at home is still 1000000 times better than a mom who has to work and is desperate to meet/have a baby. Take care, i pray and hope things work out just the way you want them to be.

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  16. I am partially self-employed as well. Have you looked into self-investing into EI for mat leave? I looked into it and it didn’t seem to make sense for me. I don’t remember any of the details unfortunately to pass along to you, but I know that you can draw a mat leave if you have contributed to it.

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  17. Oh friend, I feel you pain! Callie was home with the kids for almost a year, and her going back to work has really just made us so so sad. After trying for so long to have kids, it’s so hard to let go of the amount of time that you want/need to spend with them. I had one month of leave before going back to work, and it was so terrible that I had to go to counseling because I just really couldn’t deal! I think EVERY parent goes through what you are going through right now. It’s almost like a right of passage and shows that your heart is exactly in the right place…loving a baby that isn’t here yet and already not wanting to let them go.

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  18. Booo… I hate this for you. With you. It’s like a laundry list of “Incredibly Unfair.”

    This is, however, the first (and only rule) of parenting: IMPROVISE. Take what the day gives you. Be honest and kind with yourself. As corny as it sounds, what that little babe is going to need most is a lot of love which you and Mr. MPB have by the barrel.

    This isn’t what you wanted– trust me, after seeing Chick every day in the NICU for 3 weeks after he was born, I FEEL this. It may not be what you dreamed of, but once you meet this little person, believe me when I say it will be absolutely perfect, in its own gorgeously flawed way.

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  19. For me, one of the truly wonderful things about adoption is that mom and dad can fully share the parenting 50/50. That is how it was with us – me a bottle, him a bottle, me a diaper, him a diaper – from day one onward we shared it all. And it meant so much to my husband to be steady competent partner in our tag-team parenting. He often commented about how helpless his male friends were in the day-to-day business of child care and was proud about being able to handle everything when I was off at work.
    There is a lot of evidence out there that children do not suffer from having two working parents – in fact there even some advantages. I totally understand your frustration – but there is no reason at all for you to feel guilty. You of all people can make this work if that is the way it has to be.

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  20. I am so sorry and know the feeling 😦 As we had bills stack up with my cousin being our gestational surrogate, I couldn’t see a possible way for me to stay home. It was hard to think of, but in the end, I would rather have my son and work than not. If that was my only option, it still is a million times better than always waiting and hoping for a baby.
    There are days that I feel like I am not doing a good job at work and my son is not getting the best of me at home, but we do our best and trust that all will work out in the end… and I think I truly enjoy each moment more with my son than I would if I stayed at home full time. You will be an amazing mom and your baby will love you and see all you do for him/her! Even though the costs to get/have a baby are truly maddening, it will all be so worth it!

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  21. I understand your frustration and it sucks. I stopped working when I started IVF and have now been out of work for a year and a half, but with looking into our next steps I realize how expensive it’s going to be and I need to start working again. Luckily, I have seen many of my friends balance work and a new baby with ease. While, I never wanted to work and start a family I’ve realized that it may be my reality and it can be done. You will be able to make it work and that’s what mattes. Wishing you the best! xo

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  22. I’m sorry that you have yet another blip on the radar of things not working out exactly as you had planned. You are going to be a great mommy and the fact that you are already worried about all of these things when you don’t have much by way of details just shows how great of a mommy you are going to be. It’s definitely going to be an adjustment, but you will figure it all out.

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  23. Someone might have already said this, but let me offer you my first bit of unsolicited parenting advice… Let go of all preconceived ideas you have about parenting. NOTHING will go according to plan. (OK, maybe a few things will, but they will be the exception rather than the norm.) This is your first lesson in that. BUT, I promise you will find a way to make all of this work so that everyone is happy. Babies sleep a lot–it’s prime work time. That’s the only way I manage to work from home one day a week. Having a nanny two days a week is fantastic, and if you’re home, it means you’ll still be able to sneak in the occasional bottle and snuggle. It feels like the end of the world now, but it really won’t be. You’re all going to be okay. Don’t let this overshadow the excitement of this time right now. There will ALWAYS be something to grieve/feel guilty about once the baby is here. I swear. Just know that you’re not alone in your grief and guilt. It’s part of being a good parent.

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  24. I’m going to provide some positive view here. Newborns sleep ALL THE TIME. Since you won’t give birth, your body will be so up to the task of doing other things while baby sleeps. I think you may enjoy having some work to do. I wish I could have worked some those first few months – I got bored once my body recovered from the c-section (4-5 days). I suspect, given your personality, you may find the newborn days very slow and boring… And work will give you something to do.

    Long term, yes, it sucks because you want to be home with your child, but those first few months will be nice to have something to do.

    Do you have a due date yet? You may want to trim down the hours of work you can take on once baby arrives, but don’t think too much. 😉

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  25. You’re feeling what every “new”, soon-to-be mommy feels. (I say “new” because you’re already a mommy.) anxiety, stress, anger, how are you going to do it all? Trust me when I say it all will work out. Everything WILL be ok 🙂

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  26. Just hugs for you….it’s been a tough road for sure with lots of sacrifices. You seem to handle everything with grace when it comes and I am sure this will be the same…xoxo

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  28. Sub contract with another consultant to do the work? You’ll take a hit on your bottom line but can keep your business in existence while you take some time off. Just a thought. ..

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  29. Congratulations to you and Mr. MPB on being chosen by a first (birth) mom/mom & dad.

    I appreciate you will not like this comment and may delete it but I wanted to offer some perspective. You know I say this having spent more than you two have by myself (because the LP has never been in a position to contribute) over the past several years to have my baby this year; I also had to return to full time work way before I would have liked. That said, what birth/first mom has chosen to give up to you and Mr. MPB dwarfs whatever financial sacrifices you feel you must or cannot make 1000 times over; indeed there is no comparison. Perhaps you can reflect on that and in finding compassion for her you can find some for yourself as well.

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  30. You my dear are going to be super mom. There is no right or wrong way to do this journey ahead of you. It is going to be alright… So much to look forward to, don’t let this piece of the puzzle steal your joy. Take care.

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  33. I feel ya. I really do.

    I stayed in a loathsome corporate job for the mat leave. I took promotions to pay for IVF. That’s not to say I’m not ambitious, but I knew in my heart of hearts that the situation was less than ideal for my long term mental health. I stuck it out for the dream of mat leave and towards the end of trying I had a huge resentment against myself for my choices….

    It eventually ‘paid off’ but I had a moment today where I realized I’d put myself into a 9-5 prison these past four years and I realized that it hadn’t really been worth it.

    Hope that makes sense? All to say, we all make sacrifices and choices to make the best of situations and there’s that added pressure with trying for years to compromise yourself into the best situation while you wait – but in he end, it all comes from a place of love for our future, potential children. And going by that, you are gonna be one hell of a mama – whether you’re able to live the dream of a few years ago or find a solution now. Hugs.

    FYI I was on hold with EI for two hours today. I guess lots of people are on holidays and trying to take care of business?

    If my understanding of your situation is correct you have to work because you don’t have enough hours in yet and even if you did you have contracts you want to meet and as we othe know EI dings you if you earn anything so it’s an all or nothing equation.

    I was wondering though about sub contracting your work (I know you’d be worried about your rep) or hiring someone out of college to do the grunt work so you can do the final 15%? It would mean less $ but also less time working?

    And as a fellow workaholic/recovering type a perfectionist, I’m wondering how you’ll handle the dual desire to be the kind of mom you want to be with he kind of professional you want to be? I would find that really HARD. Will you be okay lowering both standards? I ask because I imagine that is probably on your mind.

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  34. I’m so sorry you’re having to pay so much for adoption. I really don’t understand why it has to cost that much, but I won’t go on about that here.

    There are so many working mom’s out there so you are not alone. It’s tough some days but it all works out. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You and your husband are going to be amazing parents to this child!

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  35. That is so tough. I know you both will work it out, but it’s still tough! I have no idea how this works, or if it’d even be something you’d remotely be interested in, but I have friends who went the foreign exchange au pair route. I couldn’t imagine having someone living with us, but they said it worked out great for them. She took care of the baby while they worked, and was off shift while they were home and don’t think she imposed much in the house. No idea what the cost of that is. I hope that everything falls into place though, and you will get into a routine.

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  36. Thinking of you. It is upsetting to continue to see that next big hurtle. That next bump. Take comfort in knowing that you will still be bonding and can spend quality time. While working from home they can be close to you while sleeping. Even put baby in a sling so you maintain touch while they sleep. The MPB household will be warm and snuggly. 🙂

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