Mr. MPB Lives With Loss Too

  Posted on November 27, 2015 By

 28 Comments

I have admitted in the past that I don’t think I gave Mr. MPB credit for the emotions he was feeling during each one of our losses.  The focus of the doctors, counselors and even myself was always on me.  Everyone was always worried about me because I was technically the patient.  I was the one whose health was at risk, as I was the one carrying the child.  But what I’ve often overlooked is that Mr. MPB was also losing his child, even if he wasn’t physically losing his child.

And I was recently reminded that pregnancy loss is a hard thing to deal with for everyone involved, including the partner not carrying the child.  It sticks with all of us including our partners, even as life moves on.  We all grieve differently, but we are all impacted.

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This all came to my mind because Mr. MPB came home from a project meeting the other day and told me story about his day.

One of the standard guys at this particular project meeting wasn’t there.  His replacement indicated to Mr. MPB that the guy had taken some unexpected personal time as his wife was going through the loss of their child.  A child who, just like ours, would never take their first breath.  A child, who was wanted and deeply loved.  And, as it turns out, this was their third consecutive loss.  Evidently, Mr. MPB said to the replacement to send his best wishes and to let him know if he ever wants to talk, Mr. MPB gets it.  While it’s not the exact same, Mr. MPB gets it since we we’ve lost multiple pregnancies as well.

The conversation sounded like a standard guy conversation – not too many details and definitely not at all emotional.  But, also no judgement.  But what caught me is that Mr. MPB shared his story and offered to talk to someone going through a similar circumstance.  He did not hide from it, instead he shared hoping to help someone else in their time of need.

As he retold his story to me, he reminded me that it was not and is not just me who suffered as he has his own experiences and his own stories.  He has the perspective of sitting by his wife not being able to help.  He has the perspective of not being able to fix a problem no matter how hard he tried.  He remembers the highest highs and the lowest lows.  He has the perspective of losing his child, the child he desperately wanted.  He remembers going to all the medical appointments and He remembers becoming the pharmacist, cab driver, dog walker and household care taker during surgery and recovery.   He remembers walking into the abortion clinic to terminate our desperately wanted child and holding me as I cried inconsolably.  He remembers trying to stay strong through everything, when I had nothing left to give.

Simply, I realized that Mr. MPB remembers every single thing.

Clearly, the experiences of the last few years of our lives live in his heart day in and day out, just as they do mine.

I’ve always known Mr. MPB is a pretty amazing man, but I have to say, hearing about his willingness to share and to help someone else just made my heart sign.   He’s a good man, and I am thankful I have him.  And I am thankful he wants to help others going through their own version of the hell that is recurrent pregnancy loss.

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 Category: Baby, Infertility, Miscarriage, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss      Tags: , , , ,

28 Comments on “Mr. MPB Lives With Loss Too”

  1. Mr. MPB really is a good man. Everything you say about him lets us all know about his wonderful character. I think partners so often get forgotten in the world of TTC, pregnancy, losses, etc…and it’s so brave of him to be willing to share his story with someone else who is living through it right now.

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  2. Oh this made me tear up. What a lovely man. I look forward to the universe bringing you both a lot of joy in the future.

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  3. I think so often we’re so caught up in the appointments, scans, blood draws, drugs, etc that we forget that our husbands are going through their own side of things right along with us. I’ve learned to always ask B if he wants to go to appointments with me, whether they’re important ones or mundane. Mr.MPB is an amazing man, and it’s wonderful to hear that he’s willing to help others in the same situation where he had been. It’s awful that anyone has to be there, but it makes it a little easier when there are people there to talk to who understand.

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    • Yes, our men are going through all of this too. It’s different yet its the same in so many ways. And, they too often are overlooked.
      And yes, I too think Mr. MPB is pretty amazing. That said, I told him he’s not allowed to read today’s post or comments because it might just go to his head! hahah! He’s a good man, and I love him to bits.

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  4. I think this is beautiful that you took the time to reflect on his journey and loss as well. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own turmoil that we forget the ones that are standing right beside us going through the same triumphs as we are. He sounds like an honorable man:) happy late turkey day to you both

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    • I know I have definitely neglected his emotional well being through some of our struggles, and so this reminder that he too lives with the consequences was very much appreciated.
      Happy thanksgiving to you as well!!

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  6. I was drafting a post about the same thing, how much our losses has impacted my husband. He’s having quite a hard time recently, and I think so many people pressure our husbands to be our rock and take care of us and they forget they need taking care too. I’m glad your husband can help someone else so he doesn’t has to feel alone in this.

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    • I agree about the pressure that is put on men to stand strong through it all. And that’s beyond unfair. I’m glad you are taking the time to help you husband through a rough patch, I wish I was more aware of this when we were living through it day-in and day-out.

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  7. This made me tear up too. He is a good man. You guys are both lucky to have each other. Does he know about/read your blog? This would be such a lovely post to share with him.

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  9. Mr MPB is a wonderful man. He is just one of those men that the world needs. My condolences to his colleague and I hope if he ever reaches out it is to Mr MPB because I know he’d reach someone really understanding.

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  10. The men get overlooked so often, but it really does affect them too. So glad he’s open and willing to help another going through the same thing.

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  11. The Mr. really is something special. I am so glad that he is able to talk about it with others and let them know its going to be okay. My husband has been very closed off about our losses to others

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  13. What a thoughtful post! From what you’ve written in the past about Mr MPB, I’m not at all surprised by this story. ❤

    Brian never talked about our infertility with anyone. Never. Once we had Matthew, he started talking, recounting the worst days, crying when we’d learn that someone we knew was going through the same thing. Then, an acquaintance reached out because her husband, who we knew well in earlier days, had male factor infertility. When I told Brian, he wanted to visit with him asap to tell him all about his own MFI and how it made him feel. What? He had feelings about it? But I guess he did. We all got together and Brian spoke privately with this guy for an hour, and then told me there was laughter and some tears. What??? I was stunned.

    The husband’s job, as far as they’re concerned, is to stay strong for us. Only afterwards do they tell us how they really felt.

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  16. What a good man! I often forgot my husband went through loss and grief too. He comes home with stories often about buddies from work who are going through loss… And I’m always amazed that he’s never once hidden our story.

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  18. This post gave me chills. First of all what an awesome husband you have! I know for men it’s much harder to talk to others about loss (especially the types of loss we have been through) and it’s super awesome that he spoke up. Secondly, I really related to the part where you mention that it’s hard for the women to realize that their husbands are going through the loss too. I think so often medical and emotional support/attention is given to the women who experience loss however husbands are often “left out.” One of the things my husband and I have talked about after losing Oliver was that he felt like there was nothing he could do. I think the lack of control for men especially is hard to deal with when it comes to loss. My husband is one of the least emotional people ever when it comes to opening up however our losses have changed him in a way that I never thought possible. Like Mr MPB he has told me stories about people he has met along the way who have had pregnancy/infant loss. While he might not have always shared our stories the fact that he was willing to ask them how they were doing or even tell them he would continue to think about him is a huge step in my opinion. Way to go to Mr. MPB and to his awesome wife who continues to acknowledge him!

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  19. Totally had a similar scenario happen to us recently. I told my husband to reach out to a friend as he’s having difficulty processing his brother’s recent pregnancy announcement amidst their battle with RPL. No matter what anyone says, infertility and pregnancy loss affects both partners.

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    • I think IF/RPL impact all of us so deeply and it’s a shame that the men are so often forgotten. I hope your husband reached out, I have no doubt it would have helped the friend to know someone understands.

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