My Perfect Breakdown

  Posted on September 4, 2015 By

 28 Comments

What’s in a name?

I’ve thought about it many times and even wrote about it in respect to contemplating the complexities of naming an adopted child.

But, I don’t know if I’ve ever really talked about my blog’s name.

So, why did I decide to name my blog, the window into my life, My Perfect Breakdown?  Or as it’s now often referred to, MPB.

First, the process was simple.  I started throwing out ideas and Mr. MPB shot them all down.  But, then he took one of my ideas and turned it into My Perfect Breakdown, and it struck a chord with me.  Why?

The answer is simple:

  1. For better or worse, I have a tendency to always try to do things perfectly.  Or at least as perfectly as a human is capable of.
  2. At some point, I realized that my attempt at perfection wasn’t going as smoothly as I wanted it to.  I had a few miscarriages, resigned from my decently high paying professional career, and decided it was time to focus on learning to live in a new way.
  3. And so if I’m going to have a breakdown, I’m sure as heck going to try to do it perfectly.  You know hire all the experts (i.e. career counsellor, mental health counsellor); try all kinds of healthy living strategies like finding happy moments every day for 365 days and leaning into fear, etc.  Ya, the irony of a perfect breakdown is not lost on me, yet I was bound and determined to do it perfectly.

Clearly, I started my blog at a pivotal point in my life. Life wasn’t going the way I ever imagined it would.  I was struggling to keep my head above water and I felt utterly alone in my struggle.

But the meaning of these three words is actually greater then just the events that occurred when I started my blog.  These three words evoke much deeper meaning in my heart.

For me it’s really about the way that I’ve lived my life.  I’ve spend nearly my entire life, since my mom and sister died, trying to live perfectly for them, yet often being just one step away from my breaking point.  As a teenager, I worked hard to put on a facade to the world that I was surviving and my family was “normal”, yet I felt like an after-though on a nearly daily basis from my dad and step-mom.  And then, I lived the same way with Mr. MPB, trying to be perfect even though he knew me well enough to know that I was far from perfect and never once expected me to be perfect.  And then I literally lived for our babies I tried to do the same thing, yet it was out of my control and I failed miserably for the first real time.  My facade was broken, but more importantly so was my heart and soul.

So really, these three words, in my mind are all about my life.  Trying to lead a perfect life and realizing that it’s impossible.  Learning to embrace my faults and not hide from them.  Leaning to stay grounded in the present and hope for the future.  Leaning to let go of control and accept and live a messy life.

And what’s amazing to me is that, when I started my blog I had no idea what was out there in the world (I had never read a blog until I started this one).  And yet today, this blog has become and integral part of my daily life. My blog has become such a big part of who I am that I get anxious when I fall behind on responding to comments because they mean so very much to me.  I look forward to writing and sharing.  I write to help my heart and mind heal and process whatever is on my mind.  And I write to share with others who may be experiencing something similar because I’ve learned that we are never alone in all of this.  I have met amazing people through my blog who suspect I will be friends with many of you for the rest of my life.   I meet new people everyday and I am beyond grateful for our interactions.  My life has forever been altered by the love and friendships that I have discovered here.  My heart is bigger and my soul brighter.

So, no matter what happens in my life – adoption, miscarriage, dogs, photography, work, trips to the zoo with toddler(s) or death of a loved one, I am confident that  My Perfect Breakdown is always going to be part of my heart and soul and hopefully positively influencing others as well.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

 Category: Blogging, Miscarriage      Tags: , , , , , , , ,

28 Comments on “My Perfect Breakdown”

  1. First off…you altered your picture! I distinctly remember that you and Mr used to be off to the right in the pic but now you aren’t…unless mine is just acting up on me.
    Anyway…I always wondered why you named your blog this. I didn’t come into your blog right when you started (I feel like you started a bit before I did, and my first was last August) so I wasn’t sure if I had missed your explanation at the beginning. It’s fitting for you though, especially with everything you explain here. You don’t have to try so hard to be perfect, you’ll just drive yourself crazy in the process. And we all love you just the way you are 🙂

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    • I’m actually thinking of doing a big alteration to my blog design…but I just haven’t got there yet. Time is not something I seem to have a lot of these days. 🙂
      Until this post I don’t think I ever did explain my blog title very well. So, you didn’t miss is. I don’t know why, but I just felt like it was time to write about it.
      And thank you, you are too kind (as always). And you are right, I don’t have to try so hard to be perfect – this is something that has taken me a long time to really understand and will probably take me the rest of my life to truly implement.

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  2. So glad you decided to share your journey. You have taught me so much in the short time I have been following you. Thank you for being so open and such a great example of a resilient and lovely person.

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  3. I think the name you guys picked was a prefect reflection of life in general, infertility, miscarriage and adoption. I feel very similar to you. I try to make everything perfect in my life. I am a list maker and a rule follower. But one thing that really hit me during the infertility time is that not everything fits into a list or a nice little box. Not everything is on my timeline. It pisses me off, but at the same time it has taught me patience. Which I am hoping will help guide us through parenthood. Thanks for sharing! ❤

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    • Thanks for sharing and for understanding. I think a lot of us in the IF/RPL world share our desire to control things and that’s a large part of why we struggle so much with not being able to conceive the way we think we should be able to and the way that nearly everyone else on the planet can.

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  4. First of all let me toast you ‘cheers to the power of blogging!!!’ I love reading your blog.

    Secondly this post has a lovely series of reflections. I think my interpretations from all of your blogs I’ve followed so far reflect everything you have said here. None of it is a surprise to me why you chose your blog name. You probably don’t realise how open hearted you are.

    Either that, or you would make a bloody good spy!!!

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  6. I love that you did a post on your blog name! I think that it is just perfect, and loved reading your explanation of why it is what it is.

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  10. I just wanted to chime in that I truly appreciate your dedication to responses. It has encouraged me to begin responding to comments on my own blog. I went for YEARS without responding but after reading through the comments in some of yours – it’s nice to know the writer is engaged in a conversation of sorts with their readers.

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  11. I love this! I love that you’re sharing the meaning behind your blogs name. You are truly an inspiration and you are certainly a fighter and have done a lot of hard work that is paying off! I love reading and following along- even when I’m behind on comments- I’m reading and cheering you on always!!

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  13. I loved hearing how you named your blog. I can relate. I’d like to catch up, but as you know, I haven’t been blogging. Drop me a line if you have time Hugs to you, you perfectly imperfect human being. ❤

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