So, We Weren’t Invited
So, thanks to all the wonderful comments last week (which I am still working on responding to – thank you all for your seemingly never-wavering wonderful support and love) about the upcoming baby entering our extended family and our decision not to visit. I’ve realized something:
All the drama, the guilt tripping, the upset emotions about letting people down, the anxiety about money, everything was pointless.
You see, this issue was solely with the Grandparents-to-be.
The parents-to-be, have not said a word to us. In fact, upon reflection, we realized that they haven’t even invited us to visit. They have not asked, they have not invited, rather they have said a word.
So, wouldn’t we be quite the unexpected and possibly unwanted guest if we were to invite ourselves and just show up?
(As an aside, let me state, I’m okay with the fact that they haven’t invited us. Whether they didn’t invite us to be mean, or they just haven’t thought about it, or maybe they realized the cost of adoption would make it nearly impossible for us, I really don’t know. And, honestly I really don’t care what the reasoning. The fact is, the parents-to-be, the ones who really matter in this, have not expressed a desire or expectation for us to travel to visit.)
So, really, we just let the grandparents-to-be spin up a giant swirl of anxiety over nothing. So should the topic come up again, rather then letting them be so mean to us about not visiting, we should point out that we haven’t even been invited.
Maybe, they need to spend their energy talking to the parents-to-be, about who the parents-to-be want to visit since they plan to visit at the hospital and expected the same of us.
Maybe this has absolutely nothing to do with us. And we just got side-swiped by the grandparents-to-be on the way to their real issue which is with their other child and not us.
There are a lot of unknowns here, and I know we will not figure it all out. Quite frankly, neither of us have the energy or desire to figure it out right now.
But what I do know, is that upon realizing that we haven’t been invited, all my guilt is gone. Really, it has evaporated and vanished from both my mind and my heart.
Simply we are not in the wrong by not visiting when we haven’t been invited. And honestly, we would have been wrong to essentially invite ourselves and just show up right away, even if it was at the demands of the grandparents-to-be. It is the right of the parents-to-be to invite whomever they want, I respect that. And, I do not hold any ill-will towards them making the choice that is best for their family, just as we are doing.
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I really glad you were able to release that guilt. It must feel like the weight is off your shoulders now – such a relief!
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It really is! Once we realized that this was all the result of the grandparents-to-be I really just let it go. If the parents want us there, then they can ask (we still wont be able to go, but it would be different if the request/demand were from them). Regardless, I respect the parents choice either way.
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Well,,,phew!
I think it was very nice of the parents-to-be to not ask you to come. Give them the benefit of doubt, maybe they finally realize how hard it will be for you both.
Or on a more “selfish” note, no one would want anyone to meet their newborn with the feeling of “why is it not us”, or think of what they don’t have when they are holding a newborn. They probably want to protect themselves as much as they are inadvertently protecting you.
And regarding grandparents-to-be, they are best at placing guilt. Most parents are experts in laying the guilty trap. Its good you realized it, was rather insensitive on their part. But well.. what can you do, we don’t get to choose family, they are what they are.
Am just happy you are feeling good, and as you say, its the parents choice in the end, just as its yours.
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Thank you so much for sharing! You are right, to not get wrapped up in the guilt from the grandparents-to-be. And to absolutely respect the decision of the parents-to-be, which we 100% do.
It was rather odd that neither of us clued into the fact that the actual parents-to-be weren’t on our case, and I’m rather relieved that we did. It sure has simplified the situation in my mind.
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I am relieved you are feeling better about this. Maybe the parents don’t expect you to come as they know it woukd be hard for you? As an aside though I didn’t “invite” anyone when I had my baby. People jist let me know if they wanted to visit or in the case of family they just turned up. When my neice was born I booked a flught and flew down in the first week because that’s what I wanted. My brother didn’t expect it as I just came for the day so it was expensive to do that but I wanted to see her while she was still a newborn. There was no inviting. Although I would expect to be invited if I meeded to impose and stay. My MIL came to STAY when my baby was born and my god I hated it. She should have booked a hotel. I won’t let Eric badger me into that sort of thing again! Ha! Anywa glad you feel better about it.
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Thank you so much for sharing all of this! When both our nephews were born we just said to my brother, let us know when we can come and that’s how we visited.
We do know our SIL/BIL have invited a lot of her family specifically, and because of all the other issues going on between us and the parents, the money, and our issues with meeting the baby, we just aren’t forcing the conversation. At some point, we do hope to visit, but right now we just don’t know when that will be. There’s a chance they may be within driving distance of us (4 hours) to visit some of her family, so if that happens we will make the effort to drive to visit them there and we will essentially invite ourselves and put our emotions to the side because we do want to meet their baby at some point. And of course, 4 hours of driving is a lot more affordable then flights across the country. 🙂
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Definitely! What a great plan! x
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Way to reflect and find your answer and absolve the feelings. Glad to see you are feeling better about it. When the time is right (for you both) you will see them….who knows it might be with your own baby in your arms too!
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Thank you Valleyally!
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Gotta love families. It’s funny how things can get us so worked up and then end up being nothing in the end. I think you have a great perspective. No guilt, just a common understanding.
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Yes, families are great. Cannot live with them and yet we cannot live without them. 🙂
I’m not sure the entire family has the same common understanding, but at least Mr. MPB and I do. And that’s really all that matters.
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Well how about that. I didn’t realize with your other post that it was simply the grandparents giving you a hard time, NOT the ones actually having the baby. That’s even more frustrating, really. So they interfered and got you both worked up over nothing, essentially. If they bring it up again I would definitely point out that you weren’t invited to begin with. For whatever reason…and that you’re ok with that. Maybe the new parents just don’t want a million people parading in and out? Maybe they just want to be alone with their new addition so they can adjust to their new life? And there’s nothing wrong with that! Either way, I’m glad you’re feeling better about things, and that your guilt has disappeared. 🙂
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I didn’t realize it either! It should have been obvious, but somehow I completely missed the fact that our issue seemed to be with just the grandparents not the parents!
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Oh no way. From your other post I just assumed that the parents had invited you and the grandparents were trying to make it happen, silly me.
I am glad you have found this great relief as I know it was seriously worrying you even after you had sorted things with the grandparents.
To be honest if it was me that was pregnant the last thing I would be thinking about is organising everyone to come visit once the baby is born hahaha.
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Ya, I have no idea how I missed the obvious, the issue was not with the parents-to-be! They might have an issue or they might not. But, regardless, they’ve decided not to bring it up with us and we’ve decided not to bring it up with them.
And for me, it’s nice to really feel no-guilt. I’m often consumed by guilt, and now I’m refusing to feel guilty for this. It’s nice. 🙂
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My sisters and I are all very close and none of us have jumped in the car (6 hours) or on a plane right away to visit a new baby. I went out to see my first nephew when he was 6 weeks old and a little sooner with my niece because my sister needed help because her husband had to travel. No one gave any of it a second thought, and I never went out specifically again to welcome any other new babies because no one really thinks it’s necessary in our family.
You’ll meet the baby when you meet it. It will be fine and on your own time.
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Thank you for sharing Courtney. It sounds like your sisters and you really get it which is awesome! And you are right, we will meet the baby when we are ready, and it will be what it is. We will be fine with it, and right now, that’s what really matters.
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I’m sorry, but I had to laugh. I wondered about this in your previous post when the grandparents were making a holy mess out of everything and I’m wondering, “Do these new parents even want visitors?” I think they probably aren’t thinking about anything about this baby that’s coming. They aren’t thinking about entertaining, or housing guests, or even wanting to SEE people! Because when you have your first baby, you want everybody out. Or that’s my experience and that of my friends who have shared that with me. I have a very close family: when we got home, my brother got a 15 minute visit. Then, out. Grandmas were permitted intermittently throughout the first two months to HELP: cooking, cleaning, or taking care of baby so I could get some sleep. New parents have zero energy and aren’t about to waste it on small talk or making sure visitors are entertained. While I bet they would love to see you in 3-4 months, they likely don’t want to see a soul that isn’t helping make their lives easier for quite some time! Sounds like the grandparents to be are in for a wake up call when they get the heave ho after the birth. 😁
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