Will People Ever Understand?!

  Posted on August 6, 2015 By

 52 Comments

We have decided that we will not be traveling to meet the new baby in our family when it is born.

First, we aren’t ready to meet the baby.  We know this about ourselves, and we are wise enough to protect our hearts right now.

Second, we simply cannot justify the cost to visit them, when flights and most possibly a hotel will be required.  (They may offer to let us stay at their house, but in all likelihood we wouldn’t be able to for our own mental health).

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This news has been taken very poorly by Mr. MPB’s parents.  In fact, they were down right rude and mean to us for making this decision – how can we not visit?  It’s our niece/nephew.  We want the family together.  You have to come.  The guilt trip was laid on us.  And it was laid on thick.

They parents / soon to be grandparents don’t know the back story of hurt, nor do we intend to make it a larger family issue as it’s none of their business and the focus should be on the baby right now, not us.

But they do know that we expect this adoption to cost in the rage of $80,000 USD.  They have not offered us a penny of help.  They have not even asked how we are paying for it.  Rather, they have told us at least you don’t have to buy any baby stuff because you don’t know when it will happen – yes, that’s the benefit of this situation….oh, and so close to accurate too….

Simply, regardless of the past hurt, we don’t have the spare cash right now to afford the trip.  Every single one of our pennies need to go towards the cost of our adoption.  In fact, they wouldn’t let up on us for not visiting, so we actually had to spell this out to them.  We even had to state that their guilt trip was unacceptable – we are doing what we feel we have to do for our family, just like they did for theirs.  No, it’s not perfect, but it is what it is.  And yes, one day we will meet their baby, but for now, we simply cannot justify the expense.  And so we feel that their guilt trip is unacceptable and really just mean.

Of course, the parents tried to back peddle once we said this.  Yet, I don’t believe there was an apology offered, not that we’d ever expect one.

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But honestly, my point right now is that I’m just fed up with people and their complete lack of common sense.

Not to many people I know, actually about 98% of people I know cannot afford this type of adoption.  And for us to do it we are stretching ourselves so thin, and most definitely out of our comfort zone.  We are giving up things left right and center.  We are working harder and longer hours then we ever have just to make more cash.

When we first started the adoption process we refused to tell people in our real-lives how much it would cost us because we want to be in control of telling our child these types of details (apparently most adopted children will at some point ask how much they cost and we don’t want anyone but us answering that question).  We’ve since realized we need to be honest about the cost (both emotional and financial) so that people understand just how hard adoption is.  We cannot expect people to magically know what we are putting ourselves through if we don’t tell them.  And so, we’ve made no secrete of the costs.

And yet, people still don’t for a second seem to think about us in any situation.  As per normal, we feel like people just expect that we can afford to travel across the country or at least just expect that we will do it anyhow.  People just expect us to put ourselves second and everyone else first.  Honestly, it’s getting really tiring.

Oh, and don’t even get me started about how people have completely forgotten about our experience to get to adoption.  As if adoption has cured our RPL.  No, adoption does not take away from the fact that we have had five dead babies.  Nope, adoption doesn’t just magically erase fact that my body has failed us.  That is simply part of our life long reality.  And so, the idea of visiting an infant is something we are simply not ready to do.  And we know ourselves well enough to know that we cannot go there, not now.  We simply need to protect our hearts.

Regardless of my little rant today, I know we will meet our niece/nephew one day.  And I know that we will always love the child, just as we do any child.

But, our child comes first. 

And I will never apologize to anyone for that.

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 Category: Adoption, Baby, Family      Tags: , , , , , , , ,

52 Comments on “Will People Ever Understand?!”

  1. I’m heartened to hear you know what you can and will accept and tolerate, and that you’re standing firm on your boundaries, and using your words as an adult. I’m sorry for the world’s insensitivity towards you. I applaud you for your self care. Sending comforting and supportive thoughts!

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    • Good for you for sticking up for yourself! I’m just sorry there is cause. I don’t understand how people can be so heartless about all this. It makes me so angry how people who struggle through loss and infertility are expected to have bottomless wells of love, support, and happiness for everyone else’s effortless success and joy, but no one is expected to reciprocate that for those grieving. It just seems so lopsided and counter-intuitive. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

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  2. Bloody hell!! As if losing five babies and having to pay $80k for your adoption wasn’t enough?!!? I’m so sorry that you’ve had this experience, I really am. So many people just can’t understand how difficult this journey is and that ultimately whatever makes you two happy is what needs to happen. End of. Good for you for spelling it out for them, but I’m really sorry that it had to come to that and that it upset you xx

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  3. His family is being ridiculous. Chiefs brother and sister in law live multiple states away and we don’t expect them to meet our daughter until they’re here for Christmas. Expecting people to spend money to meet a baby is just ludicrous. I’m so sorry they put that pressure on you.

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  4. I am sorry, and I am proud of you both for putting your foot down. Yes, your child will always come first. Nothing to apologise or even feel bad about.

    I am just sorry they even put you through this. Hugs.

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    • On a side note, 80k made me vomit in my mouth. What the hell is that number!! And now with the way the exchange rate is, I m assumimg 80k is not going to stop at 80!!

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  5. Ugh with this endless lack of empathy and support. I am so sorry you are constantly disappointed. I think you are making the best decision for your family and after all- it is just the two of you really looking out and supporting your family so the rest of them can be quiet unless they want to help and support. I am on great terms with my older sis, live four hours away and I met her youngest daughter when she was almost 4 months old. I am very much looking forward to when you are so overwhelmed with a new baby in your house that you don’t have time for this 🙂

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  6. I completely can relate to the lack of common sense people display at times. I think u are making the best decision for your family right now. We have decided against many (baby) trips and people did not get it. Oh well I say!!

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  7. I’m sorry. They’re being absurd, and you’re being sensible and honestly quite patient with spelling things out for them. They won’t ever understand, to answer the question in your post title. You’re doing an admirable job of trying to help them understand, but they never really will. I hope they get there on an intellectual level someday, but they just can’t possibly know the heartbreak you’ve been through with your five little ones, and the pain of having to wait to adopt, and stretching yourselves financially to make it happen. You’re making the right decision, and hopefully they can at least accept it, if not understand it.

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  8. I am so sorry that your in-laws are being so immature and insensitive. You deserve better, and I’m so glad that you made this known and were the bigger person in the situation. Hugs!

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  10. I am so upset for you right now, I’m sorry they put you in this position.

    How can anyone even think that “at least you don’t have to buy any baby stuff because you don’t know when it will happen” is something good to say? BAH.

    I know you say you are not ready to meet your niece/nephew just now, but if Mr MPB’s parents offered to pay for your flight/petrol/hotel would you go? (I think that is the least they can offer in addition to an apology for making you feel bad). I always find it weird to have so many visitors as soon as a baby is born unless it is grandparents or bestest friends, so I believe visiting later would be better anyway for everyone, plus babies are more interesting a bit older, but that’s just my personal opinion.

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    • I totally agree. if anyone turned up on my door step when I had a new born at home without the intention to a)clean my house b)cook for me c)wash clothes d)let me rest, I will kick them out!
      New born baby, sore tired mom and guests do not mix!

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  11. Wow, I’m surprised people can be so mean. I think this has actually crossed the line into rudeness rather than just unthinking. I don’t know how you manage not to be really rude back!

    I think it’s completely okay not to see a baby straight away, if not even at all, but then perhaps I’m used to being rude. 😉 I have one friend and I didn’t meet her child until the child was 4! And I haven’t even met the second one. We were friends not based on any children thing so I think she is fine with me not seeing the kids. (I think she may be particularly un-child-obsessed, though… We tend just to go out the two of us.)

    In the family, I did see my nephew as a newish baby – but this was more of a family (siblings) event and we don’t see each other that much, so the other three of us all went along. But I really didn’t have to. I sort of saw it as getting it out of the way and I didn’t see him much more than that for his first year. I found it very difficult to see him and I didn’t deal with it well at all. I think my bro was a bit upset but then again we don’t see each other that often (the other siblings live further away than I do) and we all have our own lives. So I don’t feel like we have to be in each other’s pockets all the time.

    Perhaps your folks think you need to see the baby just to cross it off, so to speak? Do you think they expect you to see them a lot? I guess I’d be inclined to do it once (but in my own time, possibly in the first month though) because it would buy some time and breathing space. And send something. I just do stuff so I can get the breathing space and not offend. That’s just me and I completely understand why you wouldn’t feel able to right now, and that’s forgetting all the financial implications which are massive. I can’t believe adoption is so expensive! (I can, but it’s nuts.) The joke in our family was that we cost hardly anything! (Though obviously they didn’t have to travel to get us!) They were different times…

    My one thought is that to see the baby in the first month or so would at least avoid offence. I know things are super delicate with your family and you have been wounded by their attitudes in the past. And I understand wanting to avoid the drama and the expense. All I’m thinking is that if you can avoid the offence then hopefully you’ll be setting the expectations for welcoming YOUR baby into the family. eg Once Baby MPB arrives, you’ll expect visitors and people celebrating his/her joining the family. It would be sad if you didn’t get that because of a tiff over this baby (“MPB didn’t come and see Baby X, so we don’t have to go and see hers…”). Also would avoid putting your folks in a position where they have to defend your behaviour and/or referee between you and the rellies.

    Like I said, I don’t know the full background and I think your family has been horrendous at times, whether knowingly or purposely or not. I guess I am inclined to try and mend things where I can, and avoid (rather than confront or burn bridges) where I can’t.

    I really feel for you and as ever, know that you have my support and friendship xx

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  12. Sending much love and very proud that you have put your family first. I agree, just because we have to make decisions sometimes to put our own family first does not mean that we wish negative feelings in other situations. It is not a trade off. I know how hard it is sometimes not to pose the question.. So if you had to decide A like we are what would you do??? I know in your situation I would have a hard time keeping my tongue.. I would want to ask if the situation was reversed what would you all do? Just know in your heart you are doing the right thing for your family.

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    • Thank you Jo. You are so right when you point out that decision A, does not provide a direct meaning to option B. They are separate and independent and the fact that we are not going to travel does not mean we wont love that child with everything we have. Thank you for getting it!

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  13. I’m sorry they aren’t more supportive and understanding. I know those guilt trips and they are very hurtful. But, I’m glad you are doing the right thing for YOU and standing up for yourself.

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    • Thank you so much for your understanding and support! We may not get much of that from our real-life families, but I am always thankful for the support and love I get from you and my blogging family!

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  14. Oh man, you are a patient woman, trying to be all polite and everything when they are downright neglecting your needs and boundaries! Good for you for saying no. Flights and hotels for something that will likely cause you anguish and pain is not wise, even without the financial constraints that you two are under. My dad offered to fly the two of us home for an August vacation, but dealing with my family is too stressful for me, especially being in my 3rd trimester, so we politely declined. It simply would’ve been a trip to make everyone else happy, and while we’d have a good day or two alone to do stuff we wanted, the whole trip would’ve revolved around visiting with them. I’m glad you two put your foot down. If they bug you about it again, remind them too that you have a basement ceiling to fix, and that there just isn’t the time to go because you’ve got your own baby to prepare for.

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    • I am so proud of you for also saying no! I think the idea of a cross country trip i your third trimester and DW’s first is probably not the best idea. It’s always hard to put our needs first, but I think you and DW did the absolute best thing you could for the two of you and good for you for knowing that!
      And as always, thank you for your understanding and compassion.

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  15. I am so, so sorry to hear what you and Mr. MPB are going through right now. 😦 It makes me really sad for you two that a guilt trip was laid on. I’m glad you both stood up for yourselves and your family. ❤

    My biological brother lives quite far away from me. He can't afford to come visit and he has not met Emerson. Two of our cousins decided to buy him a plane ticket and give him a place to stay, in part, so he can meet her. Without their help, I don't know if Emerson would ever meet her uncle as a baby. We certainly can't afford to travel, especially on a plane. I hate when people forget that traveling actually, you know, costs money, and is a privilege!

    I am sending so much love to you both. I hope you will always keep doing what is right for you. ❤

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    • I really appreciate that you understand just how crazy this guilt trip we faced is. You are right, it is a privilege to travel across the country, and it is not something that we can just expect of everyone. Yes, before adoption we could have done it, but now we can’t. And we shouldn’t be made to feel worse then we already do for it.
      I was so touched reading that two cousins decided to buy your brother a plane ticket – you clearly have some pretty amazing people in your life!
      As always, thank you for your encouragement. Love to you.

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  16. I get it. I have never met my 1.5 year old nephew because he was born as we were preparing for IVF. I have not been back to my home province in 2.5 years due to fertility treatments. My brother and his wife have no regard for WHY we haven’t been back, nor have they attempted to come see us. They say it’s too expensive, yet they have been to Florida twice since then and purchased a hot tub. Only my sister has come to see me (surprisingly). I did manage to visit my sister and my Mom after her baby was born – but I used Aeroplan points (total trip cost: $65). We are fortunate enough to have accumulated enough Aeroplan points to take a few trips once our baby arrives, but it really makes me mad that we always have to make the effort to see family. My sister has actually offered to come again around Christmas time. I should really let her know how much that means to me. Anyway… I think you are doing the right thing by putting YOUR family/child first.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing, I really do appreciate knowing that I am not the only one! Like you, we are actually saving every single point we can get our hands on to help with our flights for the baby. And if we have any left over then we may consider using them to visit or we may just take a trip somewhere as a family of three. All I know is that those points are critical to us right now, and we will be using every last one of them to fly at a more affordable rate!
      And yes, I do think it’s a lovely idea to let your sister know how much you appreciate her effort to come at Christmas! 🙂

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  17. Sometimes when I read your posts about your family, I feel like you just need to cut yourself off from them completely for a while. It’s so beyond frustrating that they seem to so easily forget what you’ve been through, and what you’re still going through. You’re right about common sense…it seems to be a rare thing these days. I’m sorry they gave you such a hard time, it was completely inappropriate. You’re doing what’s best for you right now, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Stay strong, and try to let the meanness roll off your back and down the drain. *hugs*

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    • Thank you Amy, you always know what to say to make me feel better. You are right, I just need to let their meanness go and keep looking forward. I will gain nothing by being drawn down with them.

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      • I’ve started following you! I’m the worst at pintrest, but it does seem useful if I start using it more. Any tips you have I’ll happily take. 🙂

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      • well the reason so many ppl like pinterest, is that if you click on the picture once it gets big, but if you click on the big picture it takes you to the web site where that was found. So in the case of a reciepe you dont have to write the it down, or save it to your computer, so it saves time and memory space. I love it, way to much fun, there are only a few web sites that won’t let you pin from , one of them is facebook, they don’t like the compition. Do you have a pin it button in you bookmark bar, its easy to get, if you do than when you see something you like just about anywhere on the interent all you have to do is click the pin it button and tell it which board you want it on , and it will be there when you want it . ( sorry about the spelling, i am dealing with a migraine so I am not being to picky , lol )

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      • I will have to add the pin it button to my bookmark bar, it sounds like that will enable me to use pinterest so much better! Thanks so much!
        And go take care of that migraine. I don’t think there is anything worse then a migraine, they are just miserable and i know when I have one the last thing I want to try to do is write or read. I hope you feel better soon.

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  21. Thinking of you, sweet girl. It is a little much for them to expect you to come for a visit. Good for you for making smart decisions for your family and keeping your boundary lines where they need to be for your mental and financial health. Xo

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    • You know, before all of this, we probably would have flown to visit no matter the consequences to us. But, we just are not willing to do that anymore, we simply cannot for our emotional and financial well being.
      Also, it donned on us this weekend, at no time have the parents-to-be actually invited us. So, honestly, I just don’t see how we are in the wrong here.

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  22. These people need to understand BOUNDARIES. It’s good you’re putting your foot down NOW because they will be 100x worse about making demands of you (per visiting, holidays, birthdays, etc.) after you have your child! You are correct to put your *nuclear* family first. And I haaaaate people who use guilt and manipulation to get their way. My MIL is well on her way to neeeever meeting my kid. Read “Emotional Blackmail”. *Forcefields up, NPB!* Fuck ’em.

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  23. Wow, that is horrible. I can’t believe they would guilt you like that. Travel is expensive, regardless of what else you have going on in your life – people shouldn’t expect you to drop all kinds of money all the time on their own whim. Good for you for standing your ground and doing what you need to do for YOUR family. Hugs.

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    • Thank you so much for getting it! Honestly, it’s nice to know that others get it! We spent some more time talking about this over the weekend, and also realized we haven’t even been invited out, so really, I don’t think we are out of line at all for not going.

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  24. I can’t believe how thoughtless people are! I would feel just as you do and to be honest I don’t know that I would have the courage to be as upfront and honest as you were so kudos to you both!
    Even if you didn’t feel the way you do about the new baby (feelings which are totally valid and normal and are so, so important) you still wouldn’t really be able to go without putting yourselves back savings wise.
    People just do not think of others these days. I really hope you guys get an apology and no more guilt trips!

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    • Honestly, being this honest took a second phone call, after the initial comments. It wasn’t easy for us to tell them this, but we decided we had to, because its simply not fair to make us feel guilty when we need our money for our child.
      Anyways, thank you so much for your support. I am always just so appreciative of your love.

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  26. I’m so sorry Mr MPB’s parents (and sibling?) were not understanding and pressured you that much. Very unacceptable! I didn’t make it to my grandpa’s or grandma’s funeral, several cousins and even my own brother’s wedding because it just wasn’t going to happen, for what ever reason, and I was not ever once made to feel bad! (At least not in a guilt trip sort of way, I felt bad for not making it anyway.)
    *hugs* Keep taking care of yourselves!!!

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    • Thank you for getting it! Honestly, sometimes in life, we just cannot manage to cross the country (or world) to make every event. I’m glad for your sake your family got it, and understood.

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  27. Pingback: So, We Weren’t Invited | My Perfect Breakdown

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