The Control Freak In Me

  Posted on July 30, 2015 By

 52 Comments

I love to be in control of EVERYTHING.

And i mean everything.

Recurrent pregnancy loss should have taught me that I’m not.

The adoption process should have taught me that I’m not.

Should Have, Would Have, Could Have. Right?

.

Well it turns out, the control freak in me still exists.  And today it’s clamoring to get out.

Please, just tell me when we will be matched.  Normal families get about 9 months notification of their children’s arrival.  Normal families get to have a schedule.

I’d also really like to know what state we will be matched in!  I want to be able to research and understand the legalities of the state.  I want to be able to plan our travel (yes, I don’t even have dates but I can map out the best travel options).

And since I’m asking/whining today, please world, can you make sure we don’t face the unpredictability of a failed adoption?!  Seriously, we just don’t need to even go there.

Let’s face it, I just want a schedule!

Honestly, a detailed Gantt chart would be ideal, outline key dates and roles and responsibilities.  That way we can plan, coordinate and track everything – simple things like needing a sitter for the dog, and less simple things like coordinating the international adoption of a little human.

I really just want the sense of security offered by a predictable schedule. Even if it really is just a false sense of security.

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52 Comments on “The Control Freak In Me”

  1. I love that you want a Gantt chart! hehehe.
    This is so tough! I never realised how much of a control freak I was until surrogacy. I always thought I was the most laidback type B. Apparently not.
    Distractions are key. But I’m sure it’s basically impossible not to think about it every second of every day!

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    • I do love a good chart! Clear roles, responsibilities and expectations always bring me to my happy place. I’ve never been a laid back type of person, always high energy and always an over-the-top type a. I realize it’s not the greatest way to be, but no matter how hard I try to “just relax” I thoroughly suck at it! 🙂
      I do think there is something especially hard about being out of control when it comes to creating our family. I’m sorry you get this frustration.

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  2. Blarg, I’m sure I would be the exact same way. Infertility/RPL/adoption all seem to be the control freak’s worst nightmare. Hang in there! No matter what happens, you will be able to figure it all out within the time you have to work with.

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    • I think there is something especially frustrating about having our reproduction and family planning being outside of our control. Most days I’m mostly okay with the complete lack of a plan, but today I feel like throwing a tempertantrum.

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  3. Gantt chart, eh! I love it. Do you want it cross referenced to the actual resource who will be working on a task? 🙂

    For your sake, I am going to sing in my best frozen voice, Let it Go.. let it Go…
    Dont think of the worst case, keep thinking positive..

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    • Oh, my Gantt chart absolutely has to be cross references to the resources! If I could I would have responsibilities laid out for every task.
      I think it might be time to watch that movie again. 🙂

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  4. Ahhh…I can’t imagine how tough this is for you right now. I know I will be anxiously waiting, and I’m somewhat of a planner, but I don’t have to coordinate like you do so I don’t think I will have to go quite as crazy (in the best way possible) with trying to get everything planned out. The farthest we’ll have to go is the UP in Michigan. And we luckily have my Mom right near by to take the dogs for us when that call comes. I can understand how just the travel portion of what you will have to deal with could drive you a little bonkers with not knowing and then having to deal with the rest just blows my mind. I’m hoping you get that call soon to at least know where you’ll be going and I’m really hoping you end up within driving distance of me, lol. Preferably before winter hits! Fall is a beautiful time around here!!!

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    • Haha! I wish I could be less of a planner, and just let things go, even just a little bit more. Most days I can tolerate the fact that we have absolutely no plan, but today I just want some idea of when our family will actually start! Seriously, it’s been over 3 years since we were naive! Arg! 🙂
      I hope we both get through all of this waiting quickly! I think fall in Michigan sounds beautiful, I’d be happy to go there. 🙂

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  5. I’m not really a control “freak”, but I am thinking about how I’d feel in this situation, and I think I would feel the exact same way! When the most important thing in your life (or one of) is out of your hands, of *course* you want to know as much as possible to plan, make you feel like you’re doing something, have some semblance of control, etc…I feel for you!

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    • I am through and through a control freak, type-a personality. It’s not the greatest personality trait, but it seems no matter how hard I try I cannot just flip a switch to be more easy going. I’m trying, I’m probably a lot more relaxed now then I used to be. But, i’m clearly a work in progress. 🙂 And you are right, when it comes to one of the most important things in our lives having no control is hard at times.

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  6. I live in a beautiful city stateside…I’m still hoping you’ll end up here even though I know it’s not likely. I don’t blame you, I’d want a schedule too…BUT if I’ve learned anything so far about parenthood, it’s that nothing seems to go as planned, and to expect the unexpected. You’ll be a pro at it when your baby comes because of all this practice! Babies have NO schedule, they just want it when they want it…Good unintentional practice!!! HaHaHa. I’m so happy you can even have this rant! I love it!!!

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    • We have no idea where we’ll end up, so maybe it will be in your city. 🙂
      I guess the adoption process/wait is maybe going to help me with the fact that once we are parents we will have no control over so many things. I love the silver lining you found for me. 🙂

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      • Well, if you do end up anywhere near me, I’m absolutely here for you! From gear needed to an ear for support! I just happen to have them handy! XO

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  7. Oh dear…I can totally see myself in this post…it totally made me smile. A nice RACI matrix would surely help, right? What can I say other than take some deep breaths. I am sending you some patience to help let go (for now). I know that phone is going to ring and then you will need to jump into action. What’s the rule…90% of the work is done during the last stage of the project? So, rest up sister…there will be lots of work to do shortly.

    As a kid, my mom and dad sent me to brownies and by the time I got home the house was ready for a baby and our trip was organized to get him. It was an amazing day in my life and it will be an amazing day in yours too! All the best.

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    • I think you are right to remind me that 90% of the work is done during the last stage of the project. This waiting is work! Keeping ourselves distracted and yet excited at the same is not always easy. It’s a hard balance to achieve.
      I LOVE how your parents organized everything so quickly – I suspect they had a tonne of fun getting everything ready so quickly. Just thinking about it makes me smile and makes me excited for us. Thank you for sharing! 🙂

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  8. Oh man, as much as I can empathize with your need for direction, a plan, something to keep you energized in the process it’s probably a really good direction if not anything else that you’ve gone back to work eh? 😊 I’d be the same I think; flights mapped out, details flushed, hotels viewed…and then one day you’ll probably drive yourself nuts and shelve it all. This must be a mental process like any other part that needs to be processed (for type a’s ?!). Here’s to hoping the universe throws you a bone soon…even a tiny biscuit😉

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    • Honestly, I think without work right now I’d be going crazy – you are so right about this being a good distraction. Even my counsellor said earlier this week that she’s really glad I’m busy with work! It’s funny I’d love even just a tiny biscuit, but really the only thing we have now is the big news of a match, so there will be nothing tiny about our next steps! Which is kind of excited at the same time! 🙂

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  9. If you get a schedule can you ask for one for me too!?!? Unpredictability totally sucks, even more so when your entire future relies on plans that you can’t even make until you have something semi set in stone.

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  10. Lol, I love schedules. Just like pregnancy and miscarriage, you are totally out of your comfort area and control. It’s a tense and frustrating place to be in- especially if you are an organised person.

    Do you like spontaneousness too? Usually that comes into it too, though admittedly might just be me.

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    • I think you make a good point, the second we cannot have children the “easy/traditional/normal way, we are stuck living in a place with no-control. The whole thing is annoying and frustrating! Arg.
      Spontaneousness works for me too. So, I hope when it comes to actually being matched I can embrace how much spontaneity will be required from us. It’ll be a good, I’m sure. 🙂

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  12. A gantt chart, haha! I want one of those for everything life wants to throw at me 🙂 Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to deal with disasters on a schedule?! Seriously though – I totally understand your frustation. As a fellow control freak I am right there with you on the planning and notice front x

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  13. I can’t imagine how annoying it must be, all the waiting. But I try and look at it a different way: You know you’re going to be matched at some point in the future. And you know that you’ll get to do all the fun research and stuff when you know what the state is. I’m actually one of those people who likes to save the best till last. I always open the best looking presents last! 🙂 So I’d try and keep looking forward to the planning stage, as I think I would know it’s going to be great fun when the time comes. You will get your Gantt chart! 🙂 x

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    • I love your thinking Nara! Always looking for the best and finding a silver lining. I think you are right, we will have so much fun planning the travel arrangements and final baby stuff when the time comes. 🙂

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      • Well I think the process you’re in is really exciting and it is going to be great fun. You get to be a part of your child’s different and interesting story. I know that I really enjoyed hearing about how my parents got me, so to me it sounds like a fun process, although I appreciate there is a whole lot of waiting involved (but… good things come to those who wait!). Maybe it’s easier just to look forward to one stage at a time – like your next thing will be knowing the state. Right now you have already started the generic baby planning / buying so the next thing will be finding out all about your baby’s birth state and planning your travel! There will be loads at once! I can’t wait to hear all about it!

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  14. I always felt the exact same way as we began each treatment cycle. Getting that IVF schedule always made life seem a bit less uncertain – even if we knew we have no control over the outcome. You could still make a list of everything you will need to figure out once you have a tentative schedule. That may ease some of the control freak in you. 😉

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    • I appreciate that you understand my desire for control, even if it just a sense of control! 🙂 I like your idea of starting the list of things we will need to do once we have things moving forward. I can start the gantt chart, just not fill in the time schedule pieces yet. 🙂

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      • You’ve inspired me to create a list of to dos as well. I’ve been fairly relaxed this past month but I don’t want to get overwhelmed as time creeps up on us.

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  15. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the title to this post…only because I have the same demon inside of me as well….I am such a control freak. And just like you, I would think that IVF and RPL have taught me I have no control. As far as where you are in the adoption process, I would be thinking the same things as you, not that that’s any comfort. LOL. But it is the truth. I have my fingers crossed for you that you hear good news soon 🙂

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    • Somehow I’m not surprised that you are also a control freak! It seems to run strong in the community of IF/RPL – we are all desperately trying to control something that we have absolutely no ability to control.

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  16. I totally get this!!!! I used to live by schedules but now not so much and I still have a hard time with it.

    Could your adoption happen in any state? If you end up in Iowa, Illinois, South Dakota or Minnesota I’d help you out any way I can. I know all 4 states pretty well! 🙂

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    • Thanks!! Our adoption could happen in any state! I’m already secretly hoping for Illinois because I have family there. But to know you are in that area too is awesome! I’ll be sure to let you know if we end up in that part of the states. And thank you again!! 🙂

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      • Do you mind me asking which part of Illinois? I grew up about a half an hour south of Rockford.

        Yes, please keep me posted! I hope it happens soon! I think about you often and wish only the best!

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  17. Totally get that. I’m right there with ya, that would drive me bananas! I just know it will be soon though. I just know your book will speak to someone and they’ll be dying to have you as parents for their baby! It’s going to happen soon I can just feel it!! I am so happy you are this far down the process, so excited for you!

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  19. I understand how you feel. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen, too. All we can do is try to keep ourselves busy, and try not to think about things too much. I know that’s so much easier said than done though!

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    • While the actual processes are different, the complete lack of control and all the unknowns are probably one of the worst parts about adoption and IVF! You are right, it’s all about healthy distractions. 🙂

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  20. Oh hunny, I am totally the same way. “Hi, my name is D, and I’m a control freak.” I hope you get matched and some notice or information soon, so that you can plan and baby dream. I agree that the thought of a failed adoption is terrifying. You don’t need anymore heartbreak. I will will the world to have everything run super smoothly for you.

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  21. So much compassion here, because I too am a control freak. Especially when I’m increasingly stressed. I’m hoping and praying that when you are matched you have the time to control a little and get your desired plans. That would be ideal. However, it would also be very “stretching” to have a last minute match that made everything super spontaneous and crazy, but AMAZING! Praying against a failed adoption, for sure!!!! XO

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    • Isn’t it funny how our reaction to stress is to try to control everything? Yet, we cannot control whatever it is that’s stressing us out and then we just become more stressed. Oh, the irony.
      Thanks for getting it and all I know is that if I have to stretch for an immediate placement I think I can make it work as I cannot imagine a better reason to stretch. 🙂

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      • You’re a very strong woman, you’ll get through this. It may seem difficult to impossible at the time, but I have a feeling you’ll look back and feel proud of how you dealt with the stress, knowing it made you a better mother in the end 🙂

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      • Thank you so much for sharing this perspective, I think you are right. Or at least I hope you are right that handling these stresses will make me a better mother in the end. 🙂

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