Adoption Update
Before you go getting excited, let me say we have NOT been matched and we are still waiting, so this is not that update. Trust me, if it were that update, everyone in the world would probably hear me screaming the update through happy tears!
We were recently provided with an update regarding how many times our profile was shown in the first few weeks of going live.
The update included how many times our profile was shown, what stage of the matching process the birth mother is in (i.e. match confirmed by everyone, match proposed to adoptive parents, no decision made by birth mom). We will also be notified if we were in her top few families and obviously we will find out immediately if we are the family she chooses.
We were told to expect an average of 10 showings a month, but so far we far enough below that number that I don’t expect we will reach it. Needless to say, I was hoping our profile would have been shown more. And of the matches confirmed/proposed we did not rank in the top families.
Because my reaction was almost non-existent, I’ve been trying to think about how this all makes me feel. I asked Mr. MPB his thoughts too.
And it turns out, neither of us really seem to care about the update. On some level, I think we were both secretly hoping to be the couple that gets matches within weeks, but clearly that didn’t happen. But, we could still be matched in months and that would be pretty cool too.
I guess it’s good to be known that we are being shown, even if it is less then we ideally want. But, at the same time, it really doesn’t matter how many times we are shown, all that matters is that we are eventually chosen and the match works out.
Right now, we are both comfortable with the fact that our profile book is an accurate reflection of us. I guess if the wait starts to drag on for months and into years we might start to question the book. But for now, it seems that we both don’t see the need to rush out and change it (which is good because changing the book wouldn’t be cheap).
I kind of think if we ever find out we ranked number 2 in one of these updates we will both be super disappointed that we were “beaten” by only one different couple. But at the same time I think we’ll both just realize that it wasn’t meant to be. Whatever put the other couple above us mattered to the birth mom/family and that’s her right. I guess we wont know for sure how we will feel about this until it happens, but at least we are starting to think about the possible emotions so that we can be a bit better prepared should it happen one day.
I guess, the indifference we are both feeling might just be indicative of the fact that we are handling the wait okay. It hasn’t been long enough that either of us are going completely crazy yet, well at least no more crazy then I typically am. I expect this to change at some point. I expect our impatience to grow with time and our frustrations to increase the longer we wait. But for now I’m thankful I have some work to keep my mind occupied.
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An update on what kind of “traffic” you’ve gotten is nice. While it’s pretty insignificant, it’s just more information. I’m hoping that each update you get brings more good news.
I’m curious- what stage of pregnancy are most birth moms at when they are looking at profile books?
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Ya, we liked the update, I think. Really, we were both more indifferent to it then either of us had anticipated. I guess it’s nice to know that we are having “traffic” but really, I just want to know when we are chosen. 🙂
The lawyer we are using matches in the second or third trimester. Nothing in the first.
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I am so happy to read you are in a good place. It seems like one of those situations where speed is important ( get a baby in your arms!) but the right match far outweighs that need. This baby will be the baby meant to be in your family. Can’t wait to meet him or her!
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Everything you say here is spot on. You are right, it does feel like speed is important, but in reality the perfect match is what matters most. 🙂
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I can see updates possibly being good or bad. I’m so happy that you are both in a place where you can take it with a grain of salt right now. I don’t know what kind of updates we will get. I’ve seen some people in the FB group say that they never find out unless they call and ask and others say that their social worker calls when their book gets requested. I’ll have to ask Laura how she does it so I’m prepared.
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I would absolutely ask your agency because I know locally we wouldn’t get the same type of info, so I think the updates depend on the agency. Our agency has told us that some people prefer not to get updates, but at least for now we want to know.
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I just wanted to write this to thank you for writing about your journey with adoption. I recently found out that I upset a friend of mine who went through adoption because I wrote the following blog post back in February.
“Today, I ran into a woman I know who adopted a newborn in fall 2014. Some four months later, she and her husband are adopting a new baby who is due in July.
When I heard the news, I was glad they’d be able to complete their family so soon after adopting their first.
I also felt really sad because I wish infertility was easier for us, that we could fill out some papers and my uterus would produce a baby by July.
I also wished that adoption was an option we were ready for, but it’s not right now. We still feel like there’s an option that we could conceive our own genetic baby, and that’s what we are focusing our energy on. We haven’t exhausted all options yet, and nothing has shown us to stop what we’re doing and change course. I just wish infertility could be as certain as adoption. I wish I knew there was a baby on the other side of all this struggle.
This is just another round of feelings I have to deal with in this process. All we can do now is stay on course.”
While she has never told me personally that the post bothered her (so this is just “she told me blah blah” BS), when I went back and re-read it, I didn’t understand why she would have been upset by it. But I knew nothing about the process of adoption when I wrote that post, and all that I have learned is through your blog and a few others I have started to read. I had no idea how involved the adoption process was, how overwhelming it can be, how scary, how uncertain it can all seem.
To me, an outsider, it seems WAY more certain than trying to make my body biologically do something it may not be able to do, but I realize now it isn’t. That baby she was going to be able to adopt that was due this month was a stillbirth three weeks ago.
I know it must be very hard to put this all out there and deal with what you do, but I really appreciate it as an ignorant layperson who may need to know how it went for you if my husband and I ever go down your path.
Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you so very much for sharing this with me. I really do appreciate knowing that others are benefiting from what I’m sharing. Some days its hard to bare my soul to the world, and it hearing from someone that what I’m saying resonates with them and helped them in some little way, that’s the entire reason I keep writing. So thank you.
Also, I find that having gone through recurrent pregnancy loss and now choosing adoption, we all face misinformation which ultimately makes it hard for people to know the “right” thing to say. The one thing I’ve learned through all of our struggles is that nothing in life is certain. At this point I choose to believe that adoption is more certain then anything other way for us to have children, yet i know that adoption is far from certain. Like your friend, stillbirths can still happen in the adoption world. And of course a birth mother may choose to parent. There really are no certainties.
All this said, have you thought about telling your friend that you are now realizing just how hard adoption has probably been for them? I think if anyone in my life ever recognized this for us, I’d be shocked in a good way and also so incredibly appreciative. Maybe she would be too?
Thank you again!
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Thanks for the suggestion. I noticed before I wrote that post that she was avoiding me. Long story short. I had some drama with a friend she is more close to than me, and I wondered if it was about that. Then I wrote the post, and she had several events at her house that she didn’t invite me to (when she always would in the past), so I took that as a clear indication that she didn’t want to be friends. It wasn’t until a month ago (I wrote that post in February) that a friend told me that’s why she was upset with me, so I’m not sure why the earlier avoidance. Because she’s been avoiding since January of this year and I had only heard she was upset with me through another friend and not her, I haven’t wanted to reach out. Mostly because I make up that if she wanted to be friends with me, she would have brought it up to me instead of me having to hear from someone else. I’m still really uncertain. It’s vulnerable to put myself out there, especially if I don’t know whether she wants to be friends with me or not period. But there is that whole “keeping my side of the street clean,” and if I was wrong, she does deserve an apology.
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That sure does sound complicated! I totally hear you about the uncertainty, particularly as she chose to cut you out without a discussion. Also, if you didn’t hear it directly from her, but through the gossip chain who knows how accurate it is.
As an aside, I had that happen when I told one of my closest friends about our first 3 miscarriages. I made the decision to walk away as it was best for me to surround myself with those who love me no matter what and are drama free. I firmly believe that sometimes putting ourselves first, and protecting our hearts is the best thing we can do. And that same approach may very well be the best for you too.
Wishing you the best in this difficult situation.
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I am much the same it is a double edge sword. Hearing about the “traffic” gives great hope but then makes the anticipation worse. I am by nature a stresser! Hahah. And yes it does me not good at all. Thinking of you guys!
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Yup, it is a bit of a double edge sword. I think all I can do right now is hope that we don’t have to go through too many of these updates before we are matched. 🙂
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I am hoping the same thing for you :)! Sending good thoughts!
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Hello! Like ourgreatestdesire said, I think it could be good or bad. You don’t really want to hear that your profile has been viewed lots of times but isn’t a match! I think this just shows that their matching process is more refined – ie you only get viewed when certain conditions are met (I don’t know how it works!). You only want to be viewed by people who’d be a good match, I think, because then there’s a greater chance that it will result in a match.
I’m so excited for you that this process is so far along now. I’m sure it will feel like ages that you have to wait but will probably happen quickly when it happens! Very happy for you! 🙂 x
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I think you are right Nara. It’s nice to know that we are being viewed, but at the same time it will probably start to drive us crazy to know that we are being viewed and not chosen. It really is all about the perfect match.
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Oh absolutely. But it would be worse (possibly?) to be viewed lots of times and then not be chosen. At least yours are hopefully “quality” views as in people who are seriously considering it rather than just popping up on everyone’s views… I’ve really no idea how it works but I guess it would be nicer to appeal to a discerning population rather than everyone, if you get what I mean? I think you sound like you will be such amazing parents and I hope you get your match really soon!
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I do know what you mean! It’s about quality not quantity. It has been explained to us as being similar to match . com. We have a list of criteria, they have a list of criteria, and we are only shown if the lists match. (this is actually part of why we went out of country, adoption here are more like a list and you only get shown once you are high enough on the list except in rare circumstances).
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Hoping you get more updates that have more information, but I’m glad that you two are still excited and encouraged and not worried about this kind of update. I’m so excited and I will say, my heart did a little flip when I saw the title to this post! I can’t wait to hear THAT update!!!!!!!!! XO
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Awe, thanks! I knew right away when I wrote a adoption update I needed to make it clear that we aren’t matched because I know that’s where my mind would go too. 🙂
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I think this is just like lufe in general. There is this chick in my mothers grouo and everyone seems to want to be her friend. She is great company and fun but she is also devishly hard to catch up with because everyone is trying to do it. So I have just settled on growing the friendships that are easy to catch up with. My point is some people just always end up in the too group of whatever it is they are doing. They have some weird juju going on that makes it so. I’m glad you aren’t bothered by these results. The right family will find you just like we find our friends in this world. Hope that all makes sense. It’s 5am here!
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5am? What are you doing up at 5am? My theory on 5am is that it should only exist if I am catching a plane that is going to take me somewhere amazing. 🙂
I love your thoughts about the top group. It makes perfect sense to me. You are right, this isn’t about being in the top group, it’s about being in the right group that will ultimately lead us to the right match. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. 🙂
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Ugh I don’t know. Woke at 430am and couldn’t get back to sleep so decided to read blogs. As you do! Ha!
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I hate mornings like that! Hopefully you sleep better tonight. 🙂
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I’m so glad that you and Mr. MPB are able to take this with a grain of salt, and be so relaxed about it! As data-driven as I am, I know I’d be obsessing about rankings and numbers of showings and wanting to muck around with the process to optimize it. 🙂 But as my mom keeps reminding me, starting a family isn’t rocket science! And by that, she usually means that it’s not the sort of thing you can optimize and control to the extent that I’d like to. I’m glad you’re able to keep in perspective that the data don’t matter, it’s the outcome that does — it’s not how high birth mothers A, B, and C rank you, it’s that you want to be tops for the *right* birth mother, who might well be birth mother Q.
It’s just so exciting to me that your profile is being shown to all these women, and that any day now your match could be made! What a remarkable time! I’m also glad you put the disclaimer right at the top of your post, because every time something pops up in my feed from you I can’t help but get excited that you’ve matched. 🙂 It’s going to happen! And we’re all going to be cheering you on until and when it does!!!
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I love your obsession with data, Mr. MPB and I are both the same way. For us, it’s always about statistics. Data just helps us make decisions! And right now with the adoption stuff I guess we are trying to ignore the data because it’s so limited that it doesn’t tell us anything. It doesn’t tell us how many possible people could have viewed our profile, just how many did – so we don’t know if it’s a good percentage or not.
It’s funny I used to think having a child wasn’t rocket science, like you mom. But then our experience with RPL and now adoption does sometimes make it feel like rocket science. Maybe because I still really want the control and I cannot have it? 🙂 I think you mom is a pretty smart women for trying to remind you (and now me through you) that we cannot control all of this no matter how much data we crunch and how much we try. 🙂
P.S. thank you for your excitement. I too am beyond excited just hoping for our match.
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I have been the worst friend ever! I’m happy to see this update and see that your profile is complete and that you’re waiting to be matched. I’m also glad to see that you and Mr MPB aren’t going too crazy yet with the wait. Everything is crossed that you’re matched very soon! Even though I’ve been AWOL in the blogging world lately, I think about you often and I’m constantly praying and hoping for your baby to come home to you very soon!
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Hey! Nice to see you pop in. I too think of you often. 🙂
So far, the wait isn’t killing us. Somedays are harder then others, but for the most part we are doing well. I just hope the wait isn’t too long.
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Oh man, I’m not sure if I could handle having those types of updates if we are ever able to go the route of adoption. I’m so glad you are both handling it well and remaining positive! I can’t wait to read your exciting news when you are matched and especially when you have your little one in your arms. EEEK! I’m thinking about you and hoping that you will be matched really soon. XOXO
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So far we are handling it well, but not every day is easy. But, I guess that’s pretty normal with most things in life. 🙂
Oh, and the updates are options. Apparently a lot of people don’t like them and stop receiving them after a few months. For now, we want them. But who knows how we will feel in 6 months.
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This may seem like a crass question, but it’s been on my mind for practical reasons. When we were exploring adoption, and in many ways, we still are, we were shown some books and it was something that certainly gave us pause. Of the books we were shown all the couples had advanced degrees – Dr’s, lawyers, engineers etc and both couples made serious dough. All their family photos were in large, well appointed homes and it seemed like they were golfing, skiing and vacay-ing in Turks and Caicos a lot….. We felt kind of inadequate by comparison. Our last vacation was in Mexico where we found a dog eating garbage and took him home, not exactly glamourous!
Does your agency advise about the financial aspect of wealthier couples moving through the system and getting picked more quickly? Is that a ‘thing’ or is that my insecurity speaking? I could see why a birth mother would choose a well off family – so much opportunity, an exciting life without money being a worry, etc. So I wonder how that impacts solidly middle class families or working class seeking to adopt?
Just curious.
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So, Mr. MPB and I have a bunch of degrees (more then most) and well we aren’t the wealthiest of people we do own our home, have decent cars, etc. And we’ve actually been told that we could be intimidating to adoptive parents and it could make us wait even longer because of it! Some of them come from such low incomes that they are afraid of those with really high incomes and education. So, we’ve actually been told the exact opposite of what you are fearing. What we understand is that birth mother’s like people they can relate to more then anything. And money can often be a deterrent, or at least too much money can be. Also, I would say if you are ever head into adoption hire someone to do your book because they know how to present you best.
And I think adopting a garbage eating dog in Mexico is pretty amazing!! And I suspect many people would.
Oh, and if you ever want more info on adoption just let me know. I’m always happy to share what we’ve been learning. You can email me or just ask me on here too. Whatever you prefer. 🙂
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Not to simplify this, but I’m going to draw a simple comparison here. This is like selling your house…. It doesn’t matter how many people come to look, what matters is that the right one comes eventually. 😁 I think the”traffic” stats are interesting, but I don’t think they’re really telling you anything. AND you’re adopting a baby out of the USA, and I would think the international aspect of this would deter some moms. So 10 a month seems high to me.
You’re perfect for that perfect mom out there and her baby… They’re just waiting to find you as you’re waiting to be found!
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I like simple analogies! And I think this one makes a lot of sense. The house selling “traffic” is interesting, but ultimately isn’t an indication of anything. Its just about finding the right person.
The international aspect from the USA is interesting. We are told being Canadian with “free” healthcare and the perception of less racism will make us very attractive. And some birth mom’s want their baby as far away as physically possible, again making us ideal. But, then others, not so much. The distance would be a huge deterrent in choosing us. I think as you say, it’s really just about finding the right birth mom for us. And eventually it will happen, hopefully sooner rather then later. 🙂
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Great post. Honestly, with the average wait time to be matched and your journey to get here, your reaction makes complete sense. And, I think, is very healthy. The waiting may get hats at times, or you may get matched tomorrow, but you know you’ll be getting your baby. That certainty can be a huge bright light at the end of a very long tunnel. Hugs and still thinking good thoughts for you!
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Thanks so much for your perspective and support. I think you are right, that at least now we know eventually we will be getting our baby. We don’t know when, but we do know that one day it will happen and that certainty is pretty darn amazing for us. Now, if only it would happen quickly. 🙂
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OMG I hope it happens quickly for you too!
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That’s kinda cool that they give you that information. At least you know that your profile has been shown, even if it isn’t quite a top pick yet. It only takes one person to like you the best, but I feel like there are so many factors that have to fall in place for that to all click. I’m glad you aren’t both obsessing about it or taking anything personally at this point! I do hope they start showing your profile a bit more though!
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I think you are right, it only takes one person to like us best, and we just have to wait for that day to happen! Now if only that person finds us sooner rather then later because I do suspect the wait is going to get harder the longer it lasts. 🙂
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Yeah I bet. I hope the time goes quickly, and that you don’t have to wait forever.
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That’s neat to get an update like that… I don’t know how I would feel, either, with information that your profile is out there but no bites yet, kind of a no-update-update. Your process is so different from mine — for us, we get calls when profile opportunities arise and can say yay or nay to being put in front of a situation, so we have heads up most of the time when our book is being put in front of someone who could potentially choose us. Although occasionally there are “blind profile” opportunities, that sound a lot like how they are profiling you — we would get a call, but it would turn out that we were already chosen. In our case those would be pretty last-minute. I hear you on feeling like it would be hard to be the second family in a group of two, kind of like interviewing for the most important job and coming in second. An honor, but you still didn’t get it and you were SO CLOSE! You’re right though, each birthmother situation is different and unique and she will hopefully choose the family that is the best fit for everyone involved. Having your profile being an accurate representation of you and not an “appeal-to-everyone” type thing should help that just-right situation come your way. We are almost live, it happens this week… so the level of excitement is crazy but it feels like it becomes “hurry up and wait.” I wish you SO MUCH LUCK with this process and am glad so far everything is being taken with a grain of salt. I think that helps maintain sanity during this process for sure!
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It seems like every adoption process is different! I love learning about how others work. It sounds like your agencies process is much more similar to the local adoption process where we live.
I’m so excited for your profile to go live!! I suspect since it’s taken me so long to respond to your comment (sorry) that you are probably live now! And that’s just awesome. 🙂
I too am wishing you the very best!!
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I think it would be only natural for the human competitive nature to kick in and make you want to be shown the most or ranked the highest, but I’m glad you aren’t stressing about it. Regardless of how many birth moms look at your book or where they rank you, I am confident the RIGHT mom will look at yours and the RIGHT mom will rank you #1 and you will get the just right, perfect baby for you and Mr. MPB!
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Yup, we do have a bit of a competitive streak, but yet unlike a soccer game we realize no additional effort will change the outcome. So, I think that’s helping keep our stress level in check, at least for now. 🙂
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That’s pretty cool that they do an “update”. Is it on the web or do you phone in or do they call you? I think it would make me nuts to be able to see all that info and wonder “Why not us!?!” I know Callie would LIVE for that sort of stuff. But nonetheless, it’s being shown, and knowing that must feel pretty awesome! Have my fingers crossed for ya, and I hope you guys make the top of someone’s list soon… thinking of you guys
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It’s an email that arrives to both Mr. MPB and I at the same time. So, if we happen to be sitting in the same room when it arrives we can chat about it – which happened with our first one. But we could also get it while sitting in a meeting completely separate from each other – I suspect that receiving it in a meeting would be slightly distracting. 🙂
As for wondering why not us – that’s going to happen. The more months we wait, the more our anxiety around that will happen. I actually said that to Mr. MPB today and he looked at me and responded with “thanks captain obvious”. At least I laughed. 🙂
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