Can I sound Crazy for a Moment?

  Posted on July 10, 2015 By

 89 Comments

Please bear with me, I think I’m going to sound slightly crazy today.

There is a part of me that is dreading actually having a child.

There I said it. My secret is out.

I never thought, even for a second, I’d feel this way. Even if it’s just a tiny feeling inside.

Now, let me explain.

We’ve tried for years to have a child. We failed. We failed miserably. It wasn’t my fault per say, but it was a failure nonetheless.

So, we began learning to live without. We began focusing our efforts on embracing the life we had, not the life we wanted. Yes, we chose adoption, and yes, we keep pushing towards it and will continue to do so.

But, in the last while, we’ve begun just living again. We may not be going on any epic vacations, but we are doing what we want, when we want.

We go to dinner from time to time, without concern for time or responsibilities.

We sleep! We sleep through the night (mostly). We can sleep in on the weekends, if we want to. I can nap in the afternoon if I really want to.  I can stay up until 2 am or 10pm.  Really, whatever my heart desires.

20150322 - 100HappyDays_Day251I can have a glass of wine whenever I want, without any concern.

I can shower whenever I want and take as long as I want. I can do my hair. Heck, I could even put on make-up if I want to (I don’t want to, but I do have the choice). Virtually nothing on earth in my life right now is going to impact my ability clean and care for myself.

Being DINK (dual-income, no kids) we bought things for ourselves without much thought, almost whenever we wanted – like a bike or a new pair of shoes or the fancy cheese (this was easier to do20150329 - 100HappyDays_Day264 while we were trying, but money is tighter now with adoption costs).

Our house is an adult house – it is very evident that children do not live here. There are no plastic toys scattered about. In fact the only thing scattered about is dog hair, and that drives me crazy enough.

And you know what, I like my house this way!

This is how we lived before recurrent pregnancy loss, as two professionals without children, happily. And, we’ve fought hard to return to the happy part of that lifestyle.

We know the adoption will happen one day, but we are trying not to focus on it, because the wait is hard. We are doing some baby stuff as we are getting ourselves as prepared as we can, but I am trying desperately hard not to focus on it. This is mainly out of self-preservation, I know I will drive myself and Mr. MPB crazy if all I do is think about the unknown timeline. So instead, we try to live for today.

So, now that our adoption is more imminent, meaning that we could get a call tomorrow, I’ve realized that part of me (no matter how small) is dreading changing our lives again. It’s like I have baby jitters.

I’ve become comfortable.

And yet, as much as I am dreading having to give up my self-centered ways, there are so many things I am excited for, that do outweigh the jitters.

While I am not excited at all for plastic baby toys everywhere, I am excited to watch our child grow and develop. I am excited for first smiles, first laughs, and even baby cries in the middle of the night. I am excited for the scent of a baby in the house. I am so excited for baby to meet dog and to watch their friendship grow.  And above all else, I am excited to watch Mr. MPB become a father (he will be an amazing dad) and me become a mother.

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89 Comments on “Can I sound Crazy for a Moment?”

  1. I don’t think this is crazy at all. Even pregnant people go through this, at any point during their pregnancy. Questioning if they can actually be parents, or wondering if they can handle how their life will change. I think getting cold feet is just part of being human, and the fact that I think most humans don’t like change. We get set in our ways and comfortable with the way things are, it makes us nervous to make a big change and wonder how the cascade of events that are caused by it will go. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing great! And you’ll both be excellent parents!

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  2. Replace adoption with surrogacy and the trying/RPL with MRKH and I could have written this post.
    Right there with you on the dread of plastic crap but overcome with excitement at watching hubs become a Father!

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    • Yup, you and I, although our paths are different they are also incredibly similar in that we are walking a different path then many. I always appreciate your understanding and your support!

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  3. I completely understand what you’re saying. I actually have notes for a post on this same topic, which I’ll be posting as soon as I can get my hands on a computer.
    I think it’s really hard with IF, because you have so much time to overthink. Also, the steps we’re taking this become parents are so deliberate. Just know that if you’re crazy, I’m riding on that train beside you, because I’m scared too.

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    • I am so excited to read your post!! I’m going to be without internet all weekend, so I’ll have to remember to check it out next week (assuming it goes up this weekend)!
      I love that we are both on the “crazy” train together! And we’ll both survive it and be good in the end. 🙂

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  4. I think the “dread” you describe is a mature reality that having children is not all sunshine, roses, unicorns and lollipops.

    You don’t sound crazy. THIS (that above) is not the definition of crazy.

    HERE’S CRAZY:

    cra·zy ˈkrāzē/ informal adjective

    mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
    “Pat went crazy and assaulted a visitor”

    synonyms: mad, insane, out of one’s mind, deranged, demented, not in one’s right mind, lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare; extremely annoyed or angry.

    synonyms: stupid, foolish, idiotic, silly, absurd, ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous, farcical, laughable, risible, nonsensical, imbecilic, harebrained, cockamamie, half-baked, impracticable, unworkable, ill-conceived, senseless.

    _________________________________________

    If/when you get your baby, you will adjust … as the vast majority of mothers do. I have heard COUNTLESS times that mother (fathers too) say they can’t imagine their life before little Timmy or Susie. This will most likely happen to you too!

    The naps you take, the wine you drink, the long shower you relish, the DINK spending will all be replaced by moments of happiness, laughter, worry, interest and memories that no price can be put upon.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    QUOTE ON MEMORIES:

    Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what's going to happen. It's one of the most beautiful things in life, but it's one of the most terrifying. It's worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.

    ~ Ariana Grande

    Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/arianagran571283.html#OfGcel8t7kkGlcQU.99

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  5. I understand that feeling completely. I have only been trying to have a baby for 6 months and already I feel ambivalent about it. Now that you have to do so much planning and make so much effort and investment, it gives you time to pause and reflect and weigh the pros and cons. Parenthood is a tedious, expensive undertaking, but all my friends assure me that it has much more pleasure than pain.
    I think it is natural to have doubts and jitters. And after all this time and struggle, it is okay to decide that you don’t want to have a baby after all. And it is okay to recognize that you have jitters and you still want the baby and you are almost through with the adoption process so this year or next year you could be welcoming a baby into your life. 🙂

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    • I think one thing about adoption is that it gives you LOTS Of time to reflect and think. In fact, half the process is about thinking and ensuring people are really ready to change their lives. It’s funny, in many ways i think almost all couples would benefit from the conversations that adoptive parents have to go through in order to prove they are ready to parent.
      And, thank you for your understanding! I really do appreciate it.

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  6. I agree its not crazy at all. Every expectant parent must feel this way, no matter how long they have been TTC.
    Having a baby is life changing and the fact you are acknowledging this is healthy and shows how responsible you are. Do not feel you cannot admit to having jitters, everyone will have them. Xx

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  7. I don’t think anyone looks forward to all aspects of childrearing. Most parents have ages they prefer to others, but love their children at every age.

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    • I think you are right! I’ve often said if I could skip the first few years I would….and then we chose adoption and I still didn’t! Funny, I hadn’t really thought of that before now. 🙂

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  8. Haha, yes, I still feel this way sometimes. I also sometimes think about how having just one kid is really nice, while simultaneously trying everything in my power to have another one. I think that’s all normal. It IS nice to stay up late and sleep in and all of those things. And you will do those things again after baby comes…eventually. Yes, your life will be irrevocably changed once you have your babe, but the older they get, the more independent they get, and you will be able to enjoy many of those things again. I think it’s great that you’re thinking about this stuff — that just means that you can enjoy your life to the fullest before your baby gets here!

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    • Thank you so much for getting it and for reminding me that as our child grows up we will return to being able to sleep in and shower peacefully. And then, I’m sure I’ll be missing what I once worried about! 🙂

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  9. Honesty is always welcome! I also have had similar fleeting thoughts – I think it’s normal to like the ability to sleep in, spend money, etc….thanks for sharing! 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not the only one! It is a fleeting thought, here in a moment and gone in another one. I figure if it were a lasting fear then maybe I’d need to reconsider things, but it’s not. It’s almost more of a moment of appreciating what we have right now and realizing that life is going to change. We’ll do it, but it’s still a bit scary. 🙂

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    • I had not even thought about the “mom” look. Hahaha! Yes, you are right, we all have our fears and I think my biggest one is the plastic toys everywhere. I’m just dreading that. 🙂

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      • Last night a friend told me another friend who just had a baby get ups and gets ready every morning (hair, makeup, nice clothes). Her husband watched the baby so she can. Since I’ve started working from home, I just don’t put the effort in. I can’t see myself doing it once baby arrives either.

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      • I was always that person who gets dressed up and wears makeup etc. I swore I would put in the effort when the baby came because I wanted to be a chic and glam Mom. Then the best thing happened when he came. I no longer cared. It just didn’t seem nearly as important as being comfortable to play with him and cuddling an extra 20 minutes instead of showering. I think back on how naive that wish was and am also glad I no longer care as much.

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      • Oh, now I’m worried. I’ve always dressed decently and showered daily. But, Ive never bothered with make-up (never found a brand that worked well enough with my skin so unless it’s a fancy occasion I just don’t bother), so does that mean that I’m going to be dropping the ball my basic care too?! 🙂

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      • Haha. All you need to do is shower occasionally. Everyone is different. My twin sis has twins ( IVF) and she is always done up

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      • Haha as long as you shower occasionally you are good. My twin sis who has twins ( ivf) gets dolled up everyday. I think everyone is different. I also say the shorter the beauty routine in the morning the longer the day to enjoy!

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      • Working at home sure changes the daily routine! I love working in shorts and a t-shirt. But now I also love the days where I have a client meeting so I get dressed in real “work” clothes. I’m curious to see how a baby changes my working at home clothing style.

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  12. A month before delivering Matthew, I thought, “what have we done to our lives?”. I panicked for weeks over it. I think we all do, especially when we work so hard to get pregnant because the time leading up to baby wasn’t really fun, it’s time lost.

    Once that baby is here, you’ll think it again. 😉 But that’s normal too!

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  13. My due date is a week away and I am terrified about what this baby is going to do to our life. I think it’s par for the course!

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  14. Totally normal. My biggest fear in having a baby was how it will change my relationship with my husband. After 7 yrs of marriage with no kids, we had a beautiful thing going. But its still good having had a baby! Not the same, but still good. And he can make our daughter laugh in a way that I can’t. I love him even more for being such a great dad.

    There’s nothing wrong with soaking up this time in your life to the fullest – I say keep sleeping when you want to/feel like it and going out randomly! Enjoy it (I know you are and good for you!).

    I LOVED our life before kids and 3 months into parenthood, I love this life too!

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    • Thanks for sharing! I think you are right about change, it’s going to happen but it’s not all bad in fact, I’m sure watching my husband with out baby will bring more joy to my life then a living room free of plastic toys ever will.

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  15. This isn’t crazy – it’s natural. There are days I LONG for the freedom I had before becoming a parent. I’d give my left pinky toe to have a full weekend alone to do whatever the HELL I want! I really, truly enjoyed my life before becoming a mom so I know what I’m “missing” in giving my daughter the best life I can (which involves sacrifices on my part sometimes).

    So, I say, keep on lovin’ the life you’re living. You’ll love being a mama, too. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for getting it Lindsay! And for stating that it’s normal! The funny thing is, I bet if you had a whole weekend alone you’d miss your little girl like mad and desperately want to be back with her before the weekend was done because even though our lives change once kids come along, they are so worth it. 🙂

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  16. Dude, I dread having a child every day! But only in tiny moments. Everything you mentioned is awesome – financial stability, freedom, wine at 10pm, uninterrupted sex, FREEDOM! I’m glad you write about such things. It doesn’t mean you don’t want a child, it’s just normal to feel this way. Also, you’ll still have those things in smaller doses! My sister and her husband took their baby to Italy for two weeks last year and had an amazing time. My little sister still stays up late and has a beer with her husband. Life goes on!

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    • It’s totally a tiny moment feeling, right?! I love your words for that – it’s not an every day all encompassing thing, just sometimes when I think about the great things I am going to give up when we begin actually parenting. And I didn’t even think about uninterrupted sex, I really don’t want to give that up! 🙂

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      • Me either! There’s no right choice, to have children or not, just different lifestyles we are choosing. There will be difficult and rewarding things about both choices, all the time!

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  19. I don’t think you sound crazy at all. What you are feeling is healthy nervousness, which is good. And I was like you before I had Guhan, DINK, pretty adult stuff, fancy furniture, fancy restaurants, a spa treatment because I thought it was cool, etc.

    The fancy furniture is now in the basement and I have a futon up in the main living room for guests. The living room is full of lego blocks , trucks and stacking cups. I put them in boxes, only for my son to turn the box upside down faster than I can put them in. Its a race between us, he finds it funny, so now I have given up.
    Don’t worry, your house with kids will also be a mess, you will be forced to clean the floors twice a day with the amount of stuff that gets spilled and when you are exhausted and think a shower is a luxury, a few plastic toys look great on the floor 🙂
    so, my friend, be warned, the ride is going to get rough soon for u.. and yes, if you think babies are less messier than toddlers, you will learn soon 🙂

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    • Thank you so much! I love that your son race’s to empty the box of lego before you fill it – that’s so cute! And that’s exactly why, even with all the fears, that we do it, right? It’s those priceless and cute moments that make the sleepless nights and plastic toys worth it all! 🙂

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  20. I think this is a perfectly normal feeling to have as the reality of becoming a mother gets closer. A week before I delivered, I had this guilty panic of OMG my life is changing, can I do this?! And here’s here and I’m doing it. Sure it’s challenging and my once tidy home looks like the apocalypse but all those things fade to the background when you look into your little once’s face. Somehow it just works out. Nothing wrong with how you feel or fearing a massive change in your life.

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  22. Very honest. And very insightful – I well remember that wondeful freedom of being dinky (for some reason we call it dual income no kids ya!). Some days I feel desperate for that freedom – its absence is felt heavily despite endless and boundless love for the children that curtail it. I say enjoy every minute – eat out, lay in bed and watch movies, stay up all night and then sleep all weekend. Fill up your brain with enough to get you through. Write for hours on end and take a silent stroll in a beautifully manicured garden. I think you are realistic enough to know there will be tough times, and when they come, you can draw on the freedom you have had to get you through when you feel like you can’t take another sleepless night :-). I envy your wondeful freedom, really I do! The grass is always greener and it’s not quite possible to have it all, but we can make the absolute most of each day instead. xxx

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    • Hahah! I love that you called in DINKY, not just DINK. It’s so true, that “ya” should be there, well at least if you aren’t without kids because of infertility. 🙂
      Also, thank you so much validating my feelings and being honest that there will be tough times and days where I will be dreaming of the freedom I used to have. Thank you!

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  24. I think it’s especially hard to imagine how your life will change when you’ve been married/together as a twosome for a long time. I’ve been with my hubby for 11 years and sometimes it’s just so difficult to imagine another person joining the party, especially since the vast majority of that time just us was truly treasured! I know all my friends got married and pregnant within the first 2-3 years of being together… That’s a whole different experience of coupledom!

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    • I so hear you on this! We’ve been together for 14 years so a kid is really going to change things! But, I believe both my marriage and yours will make it work. 🙂

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  25. I completely relate. And I still harbor wildly unrealistic aspirations of maintaining a living room free of plastic toys and relaxingly private showers post-baby, haha.

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  26. You give up so much to become a parent. You truly do. The great joy of it is that once it happens you actually don’t care all that much about the things you gave up. And you actually get some of them back sooner than you realise. It’s all about balance. I remember how my mum always used to let me pick the piece of meat I wanted first or the crunchiest baked potato or whatever and I always thought it would suck being a parent and having to share the best bits of everything with someone else. And then I became one and I realised that I didn’t mind that at all because I wanted my little squidgy squealy offspring to get to experience the best bits too. It truly is a lovely feeling. But hell, before you get to feel all that it sure does feel like you will be giving up a lot. So it’s normal. 🙂

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  27. Darling, I can assure you that its a completely normal response! I had a lot of infertility treatment to have my child, and you are so focused on the gaining of a little one to your life, that when they arrive, you become fearful! Its the unknown that gets to you. xxx

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  29. This isn’t crazy at all. I think most people have these thoughts at some time or another. Even when I am at my most miserable in sleep deprivation world (in my whole 6 weeks of parenting), it is worth it. ❤ Much love to you as you navigate more unknowns.

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    • I am so delighted to hear that it’s worth it!! And if, 6 weeks in you can say that, then I know it’s true because I have it in my mind that the first few months will be the hardest! Thanks for sharing!

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      • Oh. I’m sure they are the hardest – especially the adjustments and sleep deprivation. I still wouldn’t trade it for anything. I knew that I would love my child, but I did not know how enormous that love would be. It can be so overwhelmingly great. I think that is probably true for most people, but I don’t know . . . I wish I had a better way to describe it, but it’s amazing and like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

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  30. Definitely NOT crazy!! I have these thoughts daily right now…and then, I usually cry! I’m pretty sure my husband does think I’m crazy at times! Ha. But, really, I think it’s normal to be apprehensive and dreading change. I think my biggest fear is the sleep deprivation. I am a girl that needs her sleep!!
    You will do great!! :))

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    • I think most of our husband’s must think we are crazy! 🙂
      I am more scared of the plastic toys taking over then the sleep. Which is probably pretty odd because I love sleeping!! Yet, I’m sure somehow we will both do fine in our sleep deprived states. 🙂

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  31. I had many a panic attack about this very thing before Charlie came. I used to feel so guilty about it, but it’s completely normal. I think it would be abnormal NOT to think this way at least sometimes!

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  32. Oh my gosh….you just wrote out what I feel. In all honestly, if it came down to it, I think I personally could live a child free life, but J would have an extremely hard time with it. I worry about not having enough energy to be a fantastic Mom. More than likely, I’m going to be nearing 40 when this adoption happens, maybe even older and quite honestly, I don’t want to be 42 years old and just starting my family. It might be okay for some people, but I always wanted to be a young Mom. Anyways, I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s a scary leap to make when you’ve spent so many years without children. I know you will be Amazing though and I can’t wait for the day that baby is in your arms!

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    • Thank you so much for getting it! It’s amazing how similar we are sometimes. I also really get the not wanting to be an older mom – it was really important to me that we move onto adoption relatively quickly as I didn’t want to end up having kids later in life. I know I’m still pretty young, but I’m already years behind the schedule I had in my mind. And like you, I also think I may have chosen to live childless if it were just me. I don’t know for-sure, and I never will, but on some level I think I could have.
      And thank you for your kind words. I too believe you will be an amazing mother. I think it’s going to be amazing when we are both blogging about our babies in our arms! One day, hopefully soon! 🙂

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  33. I think it is only natural for any mommy to be to feel this way. I have questioned many times if I am ready for this, but can’t stop the train now that I got on it. All you can do is enjoy the ride and know that you will still have happy carefree moments.

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    • Thanks for sharing your understanding! I am touched to know that I am not alone in this! And I have to agree with your perspective, all we can do is enjoy the ride. 🙂

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  34. I think that’s normal, kind of like wedding jitters, new job jitters. You get used to life in a certain way, you accept it and live it that way and then when something is about to change you get jitters. You’ve waited and wanted and wished a long time for this, you’ve experienced devastating losses along the way and you’ve had no choice but to try and struggle through the pain and fear that comes with grief. To come out the other side of all that is indescribable, you never get over the grief or loss but you’ve managed to pull through and still have those hopes, wants and dreams. That is really amazing, it’s only natural that you get jitters about it I think.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your understanding! I so greatly appreciate your perspective and your encouragement, I guess the baby jitters are pretty normal for everyone, and maybe just a bit amplified because of my history of loss and grief.

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  35. I’ve had thoughts like that just this week living with my niece and nephew. They are high energy all the time and my house is extremely quiet and I’ve grown to love it. I often wonder if I could deal with a loud chaotic house 24/7. But then for a brief moment during cartoon time both of them will come snuggle on my lap and it makes me want my own even more.

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    • It sounds like you had a busy week, but yet a great week! I think that’s what I’m learning about how our lives are going to change – we are going to be BUSY, but we are also going to have great moments that will make it all worth it, just like you describe.

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  36. My therapist said, when I expressed the same stress like you: the fact that you are afraid of becoming a parent shows how much you care and want to become a parent. So good for you! It’s perfectly normal! Or “good-crazy” 🙂

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    • Thank you for sharing this perspective. It sounds like your therapist might just know what they are talking about. I think the key might be to pull ourselves out of the “good-crazy” worry before we drive ourselves (or our spouses) too crazy. 🙂

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  37. So basically, you have a case of the “First Time Parents”. It’s totally normal!!! I think if you DON’T go through all of that at some point before becoming parents, then something may be a little wrong. I know right before we became foster parents, we went through it also. So long to our nights of spontaneous outings, and midnight boat ride, random road trips. We went through it AGAIN right before the boys were born, because, well, foster care, the majority of the time is temporary, and between placements our lives pretty much went back to what they were like when we were DINK, but the boys don’t go anywhere! So it’s totally normal to feel what you feel!

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