I’m Not Hoping, Not This Time
My mother-in-law is co-hosting my in-laws baby shower (the same in-laws I wrote about here and here). I received the invite. Thankfully they live far enough away that I don’t even have to contemplate going as we simply do not have the disposable income to pay for the flights.
I’m over the fact that no sensitivity was shown to me and there was no acknowledgement of how a baby shower might be hard for me. I’ve come to expect this from this part of our family. Heck, I’ve come to expect this from most people in my real life as it seems that no-one realizes how hard this stuff can be for us – baby loss has scared me and almost no-one understands. In fact they all think that we have been cured now that we are adopting. I hate it, but I do go it.
And I’m not upset that they are having a baby shower, they should. Everyone should celebrate their child and spend at least one day being showered with love and happiness.
But, what I can say is that I feel surprisingly envious. I want a shower for our baby! While I do not like the idea of sitting around opening presents and cooing over onsies, I do want to be surrounded by love for our child, and for our growing family. I want to see our families be excited for us. Our babies deserves as much and quite frankly so do we!
I want someone in my life to offer to throw us a shower. But since we are adopting and there is no timeline, we have had no such offers and I suspect we won’t. Honestly, I think most people don’t know how to do the adoption baby shower because apparently adoption just makes everything a bit awkward and a bit different. Because how can you celebrate a new family member when you don’t have an arrival date?
I’m sad that my step-mom has not offered (although not surprised, she didn’t even help with my wedding shower).
I’m hurt that my mother-in-law is co-hosting the shower for her other daughter-in-law and hasn’t even mentioned a word about wanting to help us celebrate.
I’m sad and feeling sorry for us. Not only do we not get to experience so many things about having a baby the old fashioned way (i.e. breastfeeding and/or giving birth), but we also don’t get to experience our family and friends celebrating with us. I know we will get some gifts from friends and family (and I am beyond thankful for this), but we will not get an overwhelming celebration of love.
And honestly, as bad as this will probably make me sound, I’m frustrated that unlike most people, we will be fully footing the bill for all our baby stuff – we realize that there will be no shower where people will gift us some of the things we will need. In all likelihood there won’t be a big party to celebrate where we get to be overcome by the love we receive. So now we realize that not only are we going to spend an exurbanite amount of money just to afford to adopt, we are also going to have to spend a tonne of money just to get the needed baby stuff. (I know, I’m whining, kids are expensive and I should get used to that, but that’s not my point right now). And to be fair, even prior to seeing this invite, we’ve realized that a shower is unlikely so we’ve started buying stuff monthly to help offset the costs of all the baby stuff we will have to buy. Buying stuff was initially hard for us, but we are over it (mostly) and now realize that we actually need to start buying stuff now so that we can slowly spend the money rather than having to drop a bunch of money in an instant.
All I know right now is that I’m feeling jaded. We announced our adoption before they announced their pregnancy and not a word has been whispered about the possibility of celebrating our growing family. Instead with our announcement we got the have you tried everything? Maybe IVF will work. What about surrogacy? Will your child be black? Oh, and congratulations. These types of comments hurt and while we will move past them, we haven’t forgotten. And now, instead of having our family’s offer us support as we are stretching ourselves so thin to afford to adopt and going through anxiety over the adoption process, we also get to face massive guilt for stating that we are unable to come meet the baby once it’s born as we are saving every single penny we have for our adoption and therefore our child. This isn’t something we want, but it is our reality – our money is allocated to our future child and it’s just that simple. Instead, we have others making us feel like our adoption and the realities of making our adoption a reality don’t matter as much as the child being born in a few short months. Somehow in all of this we are being painted as the bad guys in the situation.
Part of me wants to hope I’m wrong and even though I have been wrong once before I know to trust my gut and not to get my hopes up. Part of me wants to hope that someone comes through for us and surprises us with an offer to throw our baby a shower. But sadly, my gut says it won’t happen and I’ll be left licking yet another wound.
Given our families track records of being less then supportive, I’m just not willing to hope. Not this time.
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How you feel makes so much sense. I’m so sorry you are going through this and hope that things turn around that provide you both happiness.
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Thank you Greg. Happiness is a wonderful thing.
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Aw, man, now I want to throw a baby shower for you! 🙂 I’m so disappointed that there’s not *someone* in your family who recognizes that your adoption is just as much deserving of a shower/celebration as a biological baby — as you say, more so in some ways since you guys are footing the bill for everything yourselves! Is there a close girlfriend to whom you could mention that nobody in your family is throwing you a shower who might pick up the dropped ball? I’m all about going with the friend-family when the family-family fails.
I very much understand your ambivalence about showers, and your difficulty with going to other people’s showers. Luckily even though there are babies being born all around us, most of them are 2nd or 3rd babies so there haven’t been showers, or we’re far enough away that we’re not really expected to attend. I have no problem with picking out adorable baby gifts — it’s going and sitting there feeling like you’re the only one in the world who can’t keep a baby alive that sucks. It really feels like it’s just being smushed in your face. I was ambivalent about a shower in my first pregnancy, and even if we’re lucky enough to get to that point with this one, I imagine I’ll be completely freaked out about it — it feels too much like tempting fate. But like you guys, we could really use help with accumulating all the stuff! Well, that’s certainly a far-away bridge to cross for us. For you guys, it’s way more immediate, and I very much hope someone steps up!
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It’s funny up until now I hadn’t really even wanted a baby shower – i saw it as a repeat of an awkward wedding shower. But then, seeing that our family is throwing the shower for Mr. MPB’s brother, made me realize that they are not celebrating for/with us. It made me feel so alone on our adoption journey, yet again.
I have a close friend who will probably offer to do something once the baby is here – but honestly, if no-one is going to show up I’ll probably decline because I just don’t want an actual head count of our family members who didn’t show up, and knowing that no-one lives in the same city my expectations are pretty low that people will even visit let alone attend a shower. (I know it’s funny that I’m complaining about wanting one and then if someone does offer I doubt I’ll accept). The bonus of this approach is that we will get to visit with our close friends one on one when they stop by to meet our baby.
Anyways, thank you so much for your love and your support. I know at the end of the day having a shower wont change our family (i.e. Mr. MPB, baby MPB and me) and really, we are the ones who matter in all of this.
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I’m sorry about all the unfairness you are experiencing. I hate that many people believe in a hierarchy of desirable ways to make a family – with a married man and woman having sex, getting pregnant, and having a vaginal delivery at the top. This excludes so much of the population, and so many other perfectly legitimate and wonderful ways of making families. This social norm (i.e., social delusion) is the root of women feeling like shit about themselves when they require reproductive assistance like IUI or IVF, it is exclusionary to same-sex or polyamorous families, and certainly also to adoptive families. If I were you I would start lecturing family and friends about how adoptive parents deserve baby showers too, and hope that someone gets it. But I also get that it can be tiring and can make you very vulnerable to have to fight for equality all the time.
I feel for you!
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Thank you so very much for your words – my apologies for not responding sooner – every time I’ve tried I’ve just been overcome with emotion from all the love I received. Your love, your understanding, your compassion, and your kindness were everything I needed last week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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I’m so sorry that you are again feeling let down and unsupported. It’s very disappointing. When my mom and her partner adopted, nothing was done until they were placed with a baby and then whirlwind plans were put into place and cots, strollers, car seats etc organised by friends and family in record time…it was as though the baby needed to be more concrete for other people to celebrate. I hope this is the case for you xxx
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me – I am so touched to know that others came through for your mom once they were placed! Now that hope and I are back on speaking terms I do hope something similar happens for our child too!
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I think everything you are feeling is completely natural. Please excuse my language, but if I were you I would be pissed! Of course you deserve a shower and celebration!!! You and your husband are soon to be growing your family and that is an incredible and beautiful thing! It is amazing! You have both been through so much that really you deserve a whole parade!
Your hurt feelings are completely legit.
Who says you cannot organise your own baby shower? If you want to be subtle about it wait until this one is over and say to your MIL, “hey, you did such an amazing job with X’s baby shower. Would you help me with ours?” If you don’t want to be nice and subtle then you guys should just throw one yourself. Why not?
In addition though I have to say as I always do, never give up on hope 🙂 Many hugs to you!
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Thank you so very much for reinforcing that everything I was feeling is completely legit and normal given the situation!
Also, apologies for the delay in my response – every time I’ve tried to sit down and respond to the comments I’ve just been so overcome with all the love I received last week. Honestly, I am beyond thank for your words, your ideas and your reminder that I can never give up on hope!
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I am so sorry. I can imagine that you feel so hurt right now, and it’s the kind of hurt that’s already on top of old hurt, so it’s even worse. To be honest, I was also kinda upset that my SIL didn’t offer to throw us a baby shower (my understanding is that traditionally, it should be your sister in law or a close friend that throws it). But DW didn’t even want a shower (extreme introvert), so I kinda just accepted that we weren’t gonna have one. A friend of mine did offer last to throw us one in September. Like you- I feel like a shower is less about the gifts, and more about celebrating this precious child that had taken so much blood sweat and tears to achieve. My MIL was expecting one of her friends to offer to throw us one (apparently this friend was “next up” to offer since they all take turns and my MIL has done her fair share of hosting), but she never did. Another friend of my MIL’s offered to host a “after the baby is born” kind of “meet and greet”. In terms of gifts, that still will alleviate some financial stress, even though most of the expensive stuff is needed before the baby is here (car seat, stroller, furniture). I imagine that not knowing how likely you are to get a baby in the near future makes people think you won’t need a baby shower until you’ve heard that a baby has been placed with you? And once that is real, I wouldn’t be surprised if a friend offered to throw you a baby shower. I wouldn’t however, expect much from your in-laws or step-mom… Just thinking of how they’ve behaved before. In the mean time, make yourself a registry, even if it’s just for you (like I did). It helps to really narrow down what you need vs. want, and that helps to keep costs down too. Hugs to you, my friend.
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Thank you so much for sharing all of this (I’m sad that your shower plans also seem less then idea). Thank you for your ideas. Thank you so much for understanding. And thank you so much for always supporting me and encouraging me!
Honestly, I hate that it’s taken me almost a week to respond to comments on this post, but every time I’ve tried I just end up being so overcome with emotion that I just stop – your love, everyone’s love is exactly what I needed this week. You have helped show me that Baby MPB, Mr. MPB and I are all so loved, and for that I am beyond thankful.
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I’ll write a longer reply later but just wanted to say I would throw you one! If you’re ever in the UK or I’m ever in Canada… I’m awesome at baking (one of my few talents) and I’ll make you a cake!
I think if you have a baby then there’s every reason to have a baby shower. And if not then you could have a toddler shower. You could also have a welcome shower or something like that. There was a post a while back on lemonwater (I think it was) about having a shower / party for your adopted child.
Also maybe people are just trying to be sensitive? I bet someone would love to throw you a shower but they just don’t know when would be the best time. Like when you’ve heard you’ve been placed with a child? When you get the go ahead that you already have? I wouldn’t know but I would expect it to happen once a placement has been confirmed and you know the gender and rough timescales. I hope you get to have your celebration.
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Thank you so much for your love and kindness and your perspective about why our families may not be celebrating yet. Now that hope and I are back on speaking terms I do hope you are right that our family may celebrate more when placement actually happens. A girl can always hope, right?
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Of course! Never give up hope! I bet they’re just waiting for the sign!
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The hurt has so many levels. Another example of a secondary loss. I can totally relate as I got a birth announcement from my MIL with several pictures of the baby sent to me, while I was at work. Said baby, was my sister-in-law’s 2nd child with a due date just 3 weeks after my son’s due date. I was so hurt to have opened up that email but I was more hurt that she didn’t even think what this could do to me.
I really hope your family comes around and something clicks with them. I too have realized that I should lower my standards for just about everyone.
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Oh Mrs. Whitworth, I’m sorry that you can relate to this! I will never understand why people cannot take a moment to think through how their words and actions might just hurt us by bringing up so many memories.
Also, thank you so much for letting me know that I am not alone in all of this, and for encouraging me. Honestly, I am beyond thankful for our friendship.
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I’m so sorry. It just sucks that we get robbed of these kinds of things. However, and I could be wrong, but maybe they are just waiting until the baby is here to throw your shower. I’m guessing that’s what our families will do. Once the baby is placed with us, then we will do a shower. I know that may not help with the big stuff, but I truly hope that your families will do this so that you do get a day to celebrate your child with everyone. WE all deserve that!
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My friend, thank you so much for your love and your support. Thank you for reminding me to keep a level head when I was so upset last week. And thank you so much for reminding met hat no matter what, I can hope that our families do come through for us. And more then anything else, thank you for reminding me that I have amazing friends in the world, and I am beyond thankful that you are one of them.
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This is an alternative option. My coworker waited 11 years and suffered two failed adoptions before she got her little girl, so of course couldn’t plan a baby shower. But the day she signed the paperwork to keep her baby, we threw her a big party that was virtually identical to any baby shower I’ve been to! Presents, cake, guessing the baby’s current weight and length, etc. It was all the more fun as we all got to meet baby Gemma at the same time! My point is that if no one showers you ahead of time, you should feel completely justified in having a party (or asking for help planning one, as DitchtheBun brilliantly suggests) after baby comes! Happens all the time with preemies and in some cultures anyway :).
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me! Honestly, what you did for your coworker sounds absolutely wonderful! Now, that I’m back on speaking terms with hope, I do hope that something like this happens for us as well. And as you say, if no-one steps up and we want to show off our baby we can always do something ourselves.
Thank you again for this, honestly, I needed to hear this last week.
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I would completely be pissed and hurt and sad about this. I do, however, think you should absolutely get your shower. What if you have a welcome baby party after your wee one gets here? I’m thinking a pre-baby shower might be hard to plan if you find out about your match very close to when the baby is born. I know you don’t want to have to ask any friends or family for help if they don’t offer, but I do believe they would want to help if they knew it was something you wanted. Ok, maybe not your family, as they have proven to be less-than-awesome at times, but it sounds like you have pretty great friends in your area. And your friends might not have offered already because they just assumed your family was taking care of it. Would you feel comfortable saying something like, “Hey, I want to have a welcome baby party after our baby gets here, would you help me plan it?” Ideally, they would just bring food and stuff over and all you’d have to do is sit there and show off your baby. This could be weeks, or even months, after he or she gets here — whenever you feel ready!
In the meantime, you can still set up a registry. There are obviously things you need right away (like a car seat), but there are other things you can wait for weeks or months to get after baby’s arrival (for example: a Bumbo Seat, exersaucer, jumperoo, bowls, spoons, snack cups, baby food maker [note: I was way too lazy to make baby food, but some people love it], clothes in larger sizes, books, rattles, toys, play mat. Not to mention you can always use more burp cloth, wash cloth, bibs, crib sheets, stuff like that.). I bet friends would LOVE to get you something from you registry! I know I would!
Also, for what it’s worth, Tim and I flat-out asked our parents if they would mind getting us certain big items for baby. I know some people don’t feel comfortable doing that, but we figured they would rather have some guidance than be left guessing. I asked my mom if she would get the crib and Tim asked his parents if they would get a rocking chair. They were both excited to do it!
Again, I know this is all really hard when people don’t offer. They should be offering to throw you a shower a million times over. But I still think you should have your shower no matter what!
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OMG longest comment ever.
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Okay, I don’t even know where to begin. I am beyond thankful for you! I read this comment the day you posted it, and at least once more every single day since. Each time I end up in tears, because everything you say here is so right. And even more, everything you say here reminds me that Baby MPB is loved, and so are we! Honestly, this is all I needed to hear and now I just keep repeating it to myself, because no matter what happens with an actual in-real-life shower with our family, I know that we are loved and people from all over the world are excited for our family! And honestly, that’s pretty amazing!
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Any chance you have a registry somewhere you can share with us? I know we are all strapped for cash and or in debt in the RPL/IF hell but I would still love to celebrate and support your new family as I am sure many of us would. Even if it just a cute onesie and a card. It could be a virtual shower :)xo
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I absolutely agree with this. I’d love to get something for Baby MPB! I bet you could even make a registry with fake names to keep it anonymous, and you can also make your registry so the shipping address is hidden as well.
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Man, I would do it too! That would be fantastic! Can you do it somewhere where overseas people can donate too? Seriously MPB – DO IT.
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Yes, do a virtual shower! If you can find a way to comfortably share your registry, please do. I would love to contribute.
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Ladies, you are all too kind! Honestly, just too kind! I cannot believe just how much love and support you have all shown us, through everything, not just this last week. But holey, I am beyond touched and humbled.
We did spend a lot of time talking about it and decided we would share via email (myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com). Thank you again. Honestly, I’m still at a loss for words for how wonderful you all are. With all of your comments each one of you showed me that we are loved and most importantly Baby MPB has an entire world of love coming at them!
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One of my friends back east just adopted an infant, and her friends/family threw her a big shower a few weeks after the baby came home. I know it’s not the same, and you still have to buy the necessities for yourself, but maybe they’re just waiting? You should set up a registry, anyway! I’m sure that the minute you get the call, people are going to be clamoring to buy things for the baby.
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Molly, thank you so much for your love and for encouraging me to take another perspective. And now that hope and I are back on speaking terms, I really do hope you are right. Honestly, all I want is to know our child is loved – some physical items are a necessity, but our kid can sleep in a cardboard box if necessary – that they need is love. And thanks to people like you in my life, I know Baby MPB is going to be surrounded by love no matter what! Thank you.
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oh hun I am so sorry! I really wish I was close enough to throw you a shower because I would in a heart beat. I like the suggestions of the others for you to set up a registry so that maybe those of us who would want to, can send you something. What do you think? Also, maybe your friends and close family will throw you one once you are chosen or placed with a child. I have a few friends that were adopting and a shower wasn’t even mentioned or planned until after they were selected. I am hoping this is the case for you too because you deserve to be showered with love and gifts 🙂 xoxoxo
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Elisha, you are an amazing women! Honestly, all I needed last week was to know that Baby MPB will be surrounded by love, and you (and so many others) took the time to make sure I know our baby is loved and wanted. Heck, you all basically screamed it from the roof tops so that I couldn’t miss the message, and I am so deeply grateful that you made me see that we are loved. And that you made me see that it doesn’t matter when or where the love comes from. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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I want to throw you and Mr MPB a shower!! I am so sorry that yet again your family are being rather unsupportive. You of all people deserve a shower and deserve to get stuff for free! Maybe bring it up with a friend, I think that once a baby is here maybe you could do a meet and greet shower?xxxx
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I have been very slow to get through all of these comments, my apologies – I have been unbelievably thankful and touched by your love and support last week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me such kindness and reminding me that regardless of what our families do, our baby is loved by so many! This is exactly what I needed to hear last week, thank you so much.
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This makes me so sad. Here’s my opinion…… It doesn’t matter how you are expanding the family it should absolutely be celebrated. If I were near you I would definitely be throwing you a shower and a big one. This little one – whomever he or she might be – deserves to be celebrated and same with you and your hubs! I really hope something changes with your family and they step up! XOX Biggest hugs!
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Thank you so much Mrs. Brooks. Honestly, I hate that it’s taken me almost a week to respond but every time I have tried to sit down and respond I am just so touched that I end up sitting here in awe of all the amazing people who are loving our child and celebrating with us! And this realization is all I needed last week, so thank you so much for helping me realize this! I am so honoured to have you as a friend!
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Oh gosh, sorry to hear. It’s really annoying when family acts like such duds and it can get exhausting teaching people how you want to be treated. But I do think you should accept if someone offers a shower for you. Although it may be a reminder of the not-awesome family members you have, the people that do show up will be a great support of energy for you in mentally getting ready for baby. It is a celebration, an important part of nesting I think and hopefully you can surround yourself with anyone and everyone that shares this energy 😉
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My friend, you are an amazing individual! First, you helped pick me back up when I needed that more then anything else – you reminded me not to give up hope. And more then anything else, you reminded me that our baby is loved by people all over the world, and that we should celebrate with anyone who wants to celebrate with us! Thank you so much for your kindness, I am forever grateful.
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Okay, now I can type on a keyboard rather than with my thumbs, here’s my blether:
I think people might be afraid to offend you as they don’t know much about adoption, and they know what you’ve been through, and I bet a bunch of them haven’t ever been in the situation where someone they know has adopted. So they don’t know what the protocol is. A lot of the time (in the UK anyway) if people don’t know what they’re supposed to do… *they don’t do anything*.
I bet at least a few friends and family would *love* to throw you a shower, but they probably need permission to do it. I think theskyandback came up with a good suggestion of asking someone to help plan it – either a family member or a friend – and I’m sure if you did this then someone would just take it and run with it. BUT I think they know you have been through a lot, and you might be fragile, and so they almost need your permission to go ahead and do it. Like I think it would be really helpful if you could give some guidelines about what you’d like and what you wouldn’t like. (Eg “Just like any normal baby shower” or “I want some special acknowledgement of his birth family” or “Can you do something specially adoption related”) People just need permission to act sometimes.
Personally I think it would be nice if you did it before your child was placed, but maybe after they’ve been identified for placement. For me that would be similar to any common or garden baby shower where you know they’re having a child imminently and you probably also know the gender or there’s some reveal – you could do all that stuff. I think it would also be a really great opportunity for you to educate people about the adoption, like they’ll probably have loads of questions about how it works and whatnot and I think it would add to the anticipation before you have your child. Also I just think people are curious and they want the go ahead to ask stuff. People are always weird about asking me about stuff around adoption, but as soon as I’m like “oh, ask me anything” then they usually do! So have the Ask Me Anything part too, because 1) it will give you a taster of things to come, and 2) it will add to the excitement pre-kiddy.
I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong way to welcome an adopted child. I mean, you’re welcoming the child to your family and introducing them to your friends so it’s more down to your family and friends. I’m sure everyone does a meet and greet once the baby’s born or adopted so I don’t think that needs to be any different. I guess if it is a baby then it would be fine to have a post-adoption meet and greet because they won’t be that aware… I’d say if it’s an older more aware child then a big gathering of adults might be a bit overwhelming, but equally if it’s about welcoming the child to the family then it could also be nice.
Finally I totally agree with the gift registry thing. DO IT. Do an international one that we can buy for, too! But give your friends and family that option. That way, you can have the same experience as anyone who has a baby… I’m sure everyone will want to buy stuff for you. And if they snub you then it would be very obvious and you’d have a legitimate reason to complain! But I really don’t think they will. I think it’s just people treading carefully and not knowing what the right thing to do is, rather than anything personal towards you.
(Blether blether!)
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Oh, and because I never shut up… Here’s another fun idea for a “maternity” pre-adoption shoot. Maybe it’s just hormonal but I felt a bit teary about this… http://lifeintolikeness.com/2014/10/03/photography-friday-a-pre-adoption-maternity-shoot/
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OMG thanks, Nara, now I am crying, too, after looking at this link! And I can’t seem to quit it with the comments either haha.
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Nara, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Honestly, I am still at a loss for words for all your great thoughts, and it’s been almost a week! I am not someone who is typically at a loss for words, but I still am. Please, if nothing else, know that I have read your words more times then I can count and I am beyond thankful for you! Also, now that hope and I are back on speaking terms, I do hope our families come through for us. I do hope that they welcome our child with a celebration that any child deserves regardless of how they joined a family. Again, thank you!
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I love reading your blog because you constantly show me things I didn’t think about before. This never even occurred to me and now I feel like an idiot for not having thought of it! Baby showers are very special (if not a bit of a pain in the butt anyway) and I never considered that adoptive families might not get such a reception. Wow. I wish the blogosphere could throw you a shower!! Do you have any friends or family you would be comfortable asking to throw a shower? I know technically you’re not “supposed” to have to ask (or throw one for yourself) — but we are liberated women, here!! I basically told my sister she was throwing mine, and since she’s substantially younger than me (and because I’m a weird, controlling, type-A freak) I’m pretty much throwing myself one. And I am not ashamed.
BUT… if you aren’t comfortable with doing that, you could always try to find some other way to put a slightly non-traditional “bend” on a baby shower, for example by hosting an “announcement party” when the baby comes. Make it clear on the invites that you have a registry for baby items you still want/need (because seriously… every mommy still has baby items they want or need, even after baby is born!) and that this is everyone’s chance to celebrate the life that has grown in your heart for so many years!
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First, you are not an idiot for not thinking about it. Honestly, i think you make a good point, people just don’t think about it because it’s not something most people have ever thought threw. And honestly, as much as I was hurting (and still am to some degree with the idea that our families are not celebrating our child), what you said to me last week really helped me gain some perspective. And honestly, you also reminded me that I have so much support coming at our family from throughout the world, and for this I am beyond thankful!
P.S. sorry it has taken me so long to reply – I’ve struggled to sit down and write responses without becoming super emotional. 🙂
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Don’t ever feel like you owe me a reply! I am still sending our friends in Florida, who should be headed to Thailand to pick up their adopted son within the next 3-6 months, a baby shower card with a gift card to a baby store thanks to this post. 🙂
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I always try to respond to every comment I get within a day or two. That said, a week was a bit ridiculous. 🙂
I LOVE that you are sending something to your friends who are adopting! I have no doubt that this gesture will be really significant to them because they will be so touched that you thought of them!!
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Oh goodness. Regardless, of how this child comes into your family it is a child and a celebration! There should be showers and much love. All children are a celebration. What is truly sad is that they will be the ones missing out on the wonderful life of this blessed and much loved child. You are never alone and we send happy thoughts from all corners of the world!
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Thank you for sharing this perspective with me – ” What is truly sad is that they will be the ones missing out on the wonderful life of this blessed and much loved child” – you are right, it is sad that our families are choosing to miss out on this! That’s on them, not me! And more then anything, it also means that I get to surround our child with those, throughout the world, who love and cherish our child!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this perspective with me – honestly, you really helped me change my attitude last week with these words. I am beyond thankful for your support and love!
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Ah thank you very much.
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If no one throws you a shower, I will do so. It will be an online shower for you.
In any case, I did not have a shower, after so many m/c’s I didnt feel like celebrating. Instead what I did have was a sip and see after Guhan was born. So you can do that, you get to invite whom you want and publish the registry. if no one buys anything or even turns up, at least you know whom the cut off full and final. Ans trust me it wont sting you when you do it, as parents we xan take any slight to us, not our children.
I know however, that it wont be so. People will come in to celebrate the baby and youe family because they love you.
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Reading this comment again today, I am so overcome by how amazing you are! I am beyond thankful for all your words of encouragement and for showing me that our baby is already loved by so many people in the world! And honestly, that’s all I needed to hear. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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I think your feelings are totally reasonable. No one threw us a shower. Our son was older when we adopted him and no one even thought to. I’m mostly over it, but when I think about it I’m still kind of hurt and offended. But, my son is amazing so that’s what really counts to me.
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me – I am saddened that you went through this type of treatment as well. In my humble opinion, every child, no matter their age, should be celebrated!!
Also, thank you for reminding me that at the end of the day all that matters is our child – not our families inappropriate comments or hurtful actions.
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The unfairness just plain SUCKS. Friends of mine who adopted threw a baby welcoming ceremony/party. They had a registry and everything! They had it when baby was 2 months old, and they sure got showered with love and gifts and attention.
I’m sorry your MIL was so insensitive. Some people just don’t seem able to put themselves in anyone else’s shoes. Adoption will NEVER be a “cure” for all of the loss and heartbreak you and Mr. MPB have lived through. For anyone to assume such a thing is just plain ignorant and rude.
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Lindsay, thank you for sharing your friend’s experience and for sharing your kind heart with me. Honestly, all I want is to know that our child is loved, and you did that for me! I am beyond thankful for your encouragement and love.
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Honey throw your own shower! Or tell step mum how you are feeling and ask if she will help. I actually organised my own as I was living out of town and most of my girlfriends didn’t know my friends and I have a few from different stages of life. My mum hosted for me. When girlfriends offered to help I gave them jobs ie can you pls bring cupcakes, organise games…blah blah blah.
Adoptiin IS a different situation and because people are unfamiliar with it they are going to do and say awkward shit. Which sucks. But I truly believe that most people do not intend to be mean. People just aren’t built that way (except for a few really crap ones). But people also aren’t too thoughtful. I try hard but I definitely know I could be better at that.
I guess I am saying when your baby arrives you get to let people know that this is a celebration and they can join you to celebrate at your shower. I bet they will turn up with bells on!
I understand you hurt and frustration surrounding this though. People do crappy crap stuff sometimes. They really do. Xx
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Thank you so much for your thoughts and your wonderful advice! I am deeply moved by your heartfelt suggestions and advice. You are so right, that adoption is different and while it bothers me sometimes, I do realize that as someone who has chosen a different path, part of my future will always include educating others. And as you say, I agree that most people are not trying to be mean, rather they just don’t know how to support us on our different path to our family. I really needed to be reminded of this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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What a beautiful and thoughtful response! I see you have taken the time to write something lovely to all those who commented. You have some great suggestions here too which is freaking awesome. Hope you are feeling a nice big warm virtual hug xx
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Thank you! You are right, I do have a lot of amazing suggestions and so much love! And that love, that’s really all I needed to get over my hurt.
I always try to respond to every comment I receive within a day or two – clearly this one took me a lot longer! 🙂
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I’ve heard of people having a baby shower just after the adoption is final and you get home. That way you can still have the whole shower experience, without the question of when things will happen.
That being said…you can’t throw your own shower. Well I guess you could, but people might talk lol. I do hope that your family does SOMETHING to acknowledge your family growing.
I feel the same way you do, though. I don’t have any really close friends that I hang out with and depend on for things. I have no family near us, nor does B anymore. There is really nobody around to throw us a baby shower, if/when we ever get pregnant. This makes me really, really sad. Not in a greedy way, I, like you, just want people to get together and help celebrate the joy of our family growing. This is something I think about constantly, and I just don’t know what to do about it. Hopefully someone in both of our lives will step up and take care of us *hugs*
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Amy, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been so slow to respond, but please know that I am absolutely thankful for your encouragement last week. Honestly, all I needed to hear was that our baby is loved, and you (and everyone else) made sure I heard that message.Your unwavering love and support is something I look forward to daily and I am beyond grateful to count you as a true friend!
Also, I hate that you too have the sense that no-one will offer to throw you a baby shower! I know what you mean, its not about the gifts, it’s about the love. I promise you, when your time comes (and I firmly believe it will), I will be showering you with so much love! This is one of those times when I hate the distance in our friendship.
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Aww thank you!! I’m glad I (and everyone else) could help you to feel better about everything, and help you to feel loved. You and your family definitely are loved, my friend!! ❤
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As are you Amy!! 🙂
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I threw my own shower! Maybe it is different in Australia. It’s honestly not a big deal here who throws it. A shower is a shower and we all love to go and help celebrate. 🙂
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That’s a good idea! I thought about having a virtual shower and skyping in people out of state that wouldn’t be able to make it. We’ll see…I have to get pregnant first!
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I think where there is a will there is a way – that’s what you all taught me this week! 🙂
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What mamajo23 said. I know that’s not the point but I would love to celebrate your new family with you. I want to send everyone in this community a gift of support and celebration. Hope these virtual hugs will do in the meantime 🙂
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You are an amazing friend, thank you so very much! Honestly, I am still so touched with all the support and love that we have received. I am still at a loss for words to even begin to express how deeply your support and encouragement impacted me last week. To know our baby, and our family is loved, just means the world to me.
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Well, I’ll be ever the optimist for you and go on hoping that you’ll get your shower once an adoption is under way ❤
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I so needed to hear this last week, and every day since that I’ve read it. Honestly, now that you helped show me the way back to hope, I too am hoping that our family will shower our child with love when the time is right for them.
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I am sure once your adoption finally gets some skates on a close friend will reach out and if not throw your own shower! I organised my own with two of my best friends I asked if they would mind helping me. I had so much fun doing it as well. I waited so long and there was no way I was missing out. Honestly, don’t even worry that holding or asking seems like , I don’t know, too forward or pushy – it is a rite of passage you justly deserve. Huge hugs xx
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Chon, thank you so much for reminding me to keep hoping – I clearly needed that reminder! Honestly, it may or may not happen eventually, but there really is not harm in hoping and even taking steps to plan our own thing if no-one steps forward.
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I think it’s pretty common practice to throw someone a baby shower for an adopted baby, after the adoption. You might very well be surprised at the offers you receive after baby is home. I think it is just awkward for most people, even close family, to understand how to negotiate etiquette surrounding adoption. They may even think mentioning a future baby shower might make you angry or depressed, or that they may be considered inconsiderate for bringing it up. Trust me, you do not want to risk a shower before an adoption takes place. That could be heartbreaking.
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Thank you so very much for having such a level head in the midst of my pity-party. Honestly, I needed some perspective and I am thankful you were able to point this out to me. I think you are right, most people outside of those intimately involved with adoption just don’t get the nuances.
Also, while you point out the problems with a shower before an adoption, we are working really hard to overcome those fears – after 5 losses and avoiding everything baby, right now we are actually starting to get excited about the baby stuff. It’s a hard line to walk – we want to get excited but we are also well aware of the risks. At this point our biggest fear is a failed adoption, and I dread having to deal with that should it happen.
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I hate baby showers too. Especially because the more conservative members of my family are the ones who throw them, I can’t exactly explain that I’m infertile to them, and so I just opt not to go.
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Thanks for commiserating with me!! Honestly, I so appreciate it!!!
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That stinks! I hate that for you!!! You deserve a HUGE celebration!!!! Adoption is a miracle and should be celebrated!!!! Do you have a close friend, maybe another adoptive mama who understands and could throw one for you???
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this comment – you are right, adoption is a miracle and should be celebrated!! Heck, after all the paperwork and hoops we have to jump through, it really is a miracle that anyone ever adopts! 🙂
Okay, in all seriousness any and every child should be celebrated!!
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This makes me feel sad. I dont have the right words to say, Im just hoping you get that baby shower u deserve 😊
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Thank you so very much my friend for reminding me not to give up hope. Hope is a powerful force and I cannot turn my back on that. Seriously, thank you!
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Oh no I’m sorry your family have made you feel like this 😦
Please, please, please put together a registry and tell people you will have a welcome party at some point to be decided. I am sure this will prompt your family and friends that you do want a baby shower and they will realise it is OK to talk about it.
Have you thought about setting up a little website to share with your closest friends and family, that provides some basic info about adoption, where you are at, what is next and a link to your registry?
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I do not even know how to begin to say thank you for your encouragement last week (and always for that matter). Honestly, I was so upset last week, and your words made me realize that we are loved, and our baby is loved by so many people throughout the entire world and that’s all I needed to know! I like the idea of a welcoming party, that might just be what we do.
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All these suggestions are amazing. Feeling the love yet? 🙂 We all love you guys!
I think a couple of people commented that they had troubles with not having someone around to organise their shower for one reason or another. I think someone needs to figure out a way to have a virtual baby shower! 🙂
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Honestly, I’ve been so overcome by all the love that I’ve just turned into a giant puddle of emotions this last week! Thank you so very much for reminding me that our baby has love coming from all corners of the world, and that’s pretty darn amazing!! That’s all I need to hear, and you’ve sent the message loud and clear. Thank you.
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You are very welcome. We’re all here for you 🙂
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I really think people forget. It doesn’t happen to them and so they can’t understand or appreciate the grief and pain. I’ve been coming to terms with that fact a lot myself lately and it’s not a nice one. I’m sorry your family were so shit and continue to be, it’s not fair at all. I hope when you do adopt that they step up but with people like that…it’s unlikely to be.
Do you have any supportive friends? Maybe you could speak to them about how you are feeling? Maybe they will step up and just aren’t sure how to support at the moment?
Or maybe I’m giving people too much credit.
I’d go for a party after the adoption though, you can celebrate your new family all together and show them off.
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Thank you so very much for your love, your ideas, your support and your understanding. Honestly, I hate that you too have family who don’t understand or appreciate what you’ve been through, but I do take comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one struggling with these relationships. It’s hard work to come to terms with everything, but I do hope we both get there eventually.
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You are always welcome to it, thank you for yours as well. Your blog posts always have me reading though I don’t always have the words to comment, you’re a very strong and supportive person.
It’s a horrible thing but like baby loss or any kind of loss really there is a comfort in speaking to or being around those who can really understand and empathise. No one ever knows 100% what someone else is feeling or thinking but people who’ve been through it or similar have a head start.
We will, it will take time but I do believe that one way or another we will. I have started to pay less attention to those who are less supportive and it’s working pretty well at the moment for me.
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Sorry to find out some of the family members are not supportive or make sense sometimes. Just focus on what you want in life.
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Thank you so much Jasmine, you always have wise words that offer me comfort on the hard days.
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I’m holding out hope that once this adoption becomes more concrete and you have an end in sight your family will become excited and be able to support you better. But even if that doesn’t happen, you have a whole community of “blog family” that will be celebrating with you and throwing you a virtual shower:) I stand with you and beside you as a sister in adoption-welcome to the family! We are so excited for you!!!!
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So, it’s taken me a week to respond, which is horrible, but honestly i just read your comment for what must be the 10th time and I have tears in my eyes again! And I’m not a typical crier! 🙂
Honestly, I don’t even know how to begin to say thank you for your love and your support. I am so touched that you reminded me that no-matter what our family does or doesn’t do, our child and our family is loved! We are loved from all corners of the world and that’s pretty darn amazing! This is all I needed to hear last week and I am beyond thankful for your friendship.
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You’re so welcome! You are loved and you’re not alone on this journey, I’m so happy that I get to be a part of your cheerleading team as you go through the adoption process! All over the blogosphere, we are pulling for you. I’m so grateful for your friendship as well, what a wonderful connector this blogging has become. Blessings friend!
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I’m so behind on my blogs this week. Just catching up… I can completely resonate with this post as well. We have yet to meet my 1.5 year old nephew because he was born while we were saving for IVF (and they felt it more important to go to Florida instead of visiting family). I’m also a “bitch” because my sister wants to come visit on a schedule that only works for her and I’ve said no because I can’t afford to take time off without pay before the baby comes. We have baby stuff to buy and are still paying off our fertility treatments. We also bought things ahead of time to help the cash flow, but I’m starting to feel the crunch now. No one understands the financial pressures of having a baby the non-traditional way. I’m so sorry you feel like you will not get a shower for your little one. I hope that someone in your life surprises you and it turns out to be filled with all of the love you had hoped for.
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First, my apologies for taking an entire week to respond – I have been so overcome with emotion that it’s taken me a tonne of time to respond to everyone.
Second, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am beyond touched and honoured that you always take the time to support and love me through everything. I am thankful that you remind me that no matter what I am not alone in our feelings and emotions right now. I am sorry that you understand all of this, it really isn’t fair that any of us are in this financial position. Or that either of us are being painted as the “bad” child/sibling because we don’t have the disposable income we once had to travel and visit family – being made to feel guilty about this has really bothered me – this isn’t a choice that was made lightly, we would love to meet our new niece/nephew, but we also really want to be able to meet our own child too. Arg, sometimes I just wish people would try to understand.
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((hugs)) This is such a hard part of adoption. Since I’m adopting an older child I suspect there won’t really be much in the way of welcome gifts at all. One friend mentioned a shower, but she lives in another province. My family hasn’t even hinted about gifts or celebration. This is hard! It feels so isolating to be treated so differently and afterthought-ishly. (Yep. I made a new word. lol) More ((hugs)).
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You are so right, we do feel like we are treated like an afterthought-ishly! (I love your new word). We know what we are doing is different, but I don’t understand why simple things like celebrating our growing families need to be treated so weirdly! I hope your friend is able to help throw you a shower/welcoming party for your child and your growing family – I don’t think it matters how old the child is when they are adopted a celebration should occur. To me, it’s less about the gifts and rather it’s all about showing that we love and support each other.
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