A Horrific & Traumatic Chain of Events

Recently, I made an offhand comment in a post about how the ultrasound I had before my abortion was one of the most horrific and traumatic events I faced in nearly 2.5 years of recurrent pregnancy loss. As I now have a more routine ultrasound coming up right away, I realized I really need to spend some time with the emotions around this event. Honestly, this is probably one of, if not the hardest post I’ve written to date.

(As an aside, for anyone reading for the first time, I’ve written about our choice to terminate for medical reasons before so if you want to catch up, you can read my previous posts here and here).

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Our abortion was scheduled to be the very first one of the day. It was a Wednesday morning. Or maybe a Thursday. Those details are a bit sketchy for me, as time sort of stopped when we discovered my septic infection.

Anyways, prior to having an abortion the clinic requires you to get an ultrasound. It’s done at the hospital, just a few steps down the hallway from the actual abortion clinic. I think we got there around 6am. Again, the details are fuzzy, maybe it was 7.

After checking in at the abortion clinic we were sent to wait for our ultrasound. I noticed another young women sitting there with her mom, holding hands – I would later see them in the clinic as well. We were called in first.

We had what appeared to be a novice ultrasound tech. She told my husband to wait there. I said no, he’s coming with me. She said he’s not allowed. I said much more forcefully that he’s coming with me as this is a family decision. She reluctantly relented, he came with.

He held my hand. She would not answer any questions.

Suddenly the door opens, as I’m lying there facing the door with my legs spread open with an internal ultrasound wand between my legs. Some guy, who never bothered to introduce himself starts talking with the tech. They never did tell us who he was. Somehow, neither one of us thought to ask. But we both did think it was a bit odd. First that some random guy just walked into our ultrasound. Second that my vagina was just shown to the entire hallway and everyone in the waiting room.

The guy left, the tech kept working away. Still refusing to speak to us.

The guy came back, flashing my vagina to the entire world again. And still did not introduce himself. He took the wand from the girl, used the machine for a few minutes, pointed to a few things on the screen that we were not allowed to see. I assumed he probably knew a thing or two about ultrasounds.

He left again.

The girl finished things up. The ultrasound ended.

I asked to speak to the radiologist.

She left.

I got dressed

She came back to give me a sheet with details for the abortion clinic. I asked again to speak to the radiologist. I needed to know the fetal heart rate and the gestation age. I needed to know that our baby had not miraculously improved over night, since our last scan the day before. I needed to know. With all our other scans the radiologist had always taken the time to speak with us and go over the results so that we didn’t have to wait for a report to get to our doctor. As this was our third pregnancy/loss, and we’d been watching our baby slowly die for the last 6 weeks, we knew the important of the fetal heart rate. We also knew the standard procedures.

We were told he would not speak to us. I DEMANDED that he speak with me as we needed to know everything before we could go through with the abortion. Much to my surprise he eventually came into our room.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: What is the fetal heart rate and what’s the baby measuring?

 

Radiologist: 58 and 6w1d. But you never know, the baby may still survive. You know, you don’t have to have an abortion, there are other options.

 

Me: This is the most wanted and most loved baby on the planet. This is our third pregnancy, and will be our third loss. We know that a fetal heart rate of 58 coupled with the fact the baby has not grown in over 6 weeks means that the chances of a successful full-term pregnancy are slim to none. If you looked at my case history I have early indications of a septic infection and this procedure is an attempt to end a non-viable pregnancy before my life is compromised. This is the most wanted and love baby, we would do anything to not be here.

 

Radiologist: Well, the baby may survive so you should wait and see what happens.

Needless to say, I left that room shaking. First, the radiologist had the nerve to not look up our case history. Second, he had the nerve to tell me, in my state, after meeting with multiple OB/GYN’s, ER doctors, counsellors, etc., that an abortion wasn’t needed that we should just wait He had the nerve to plant another seed of doubt in my mind, as if I didn’t already have enough of them.

We went back to the abortion clinic with a sheet of paper indicating the fetal heart rate and gestational age. We sat down in the waiting room. We saw the mom and daughter enter the room after us. We saw mostly couples our age. I lost it. I began crying almost uncontrollably, gasping for air. My body was shaking. I couldn’t take my head out of my hands, I couldn’t look at women and couples who were choosing to do this, not in that moment. (As an aside, I respect the right of a women to have an abortion and do not mean to be disrespectful. I realize I do not know their stories. I realize virtually no-one is in an abortion clinic as their first choice. I realize everyone in that room has their own immense emotions to contend with. I also realize that in that moment, I wasn’t thinking about anyone other than me. In that moment, instead, all I could think about was how much I wanted the pregnancy they were choosing to end).

My husband got up and asked if we could use a private room until we were called back. Someone must have said yes, because my husband collected me and took me into the private room we had been in the day before. We sat together. He held my hand, he rubbed my shoulders, and he hugged me. The sound of my uncontrollable sobbing filling the deafening silence.

A few minutes later the counsellor we spoke with the day before came and sat with us. Having no idea what we had just been through with the ultrasound, I couldn’t get the words out and honestly, I wasn’t thinking too much about it I that moment.  I was just focusing on all my fears and worries, that he just added to. I couldn’t stop questioning our decision. How could I actually do this? How could I knowingly take the life of our child? As if the counsellor somehow knew what I was thinking, she asked if I was still wanting to go ahead with the procedure. My response was simple, Yes, I am. We need to do this. She asked if she could call me in a few days to check in with me, between tears, I nodded, yes.

I have no idea how long we sat there, but my violent tears slowed and turned more into a constant stream running down my face. I was slowly able to feel myself breathe again.

A few minutes later she walked with me to the procedure room. My husband walked with me as far as they would let him. . Everyone in the procedure room seemed to know that I was a little bit different, that all I wanted was my baby to live. That I never dreamed I’d be in their clinic.  They all let me cry. I obsessively told them we needed our baby and everything sent for testing.  They reassured me, and they promised to send the products of conception for testing to try to figure out why our babies kept dying. I really don’t remember most of what anyone said to me, but I do remember how comforting they were. I felt safe in their hands. The OB/GYN was incredibly nice, as was the anesthesiologist. And a lovely nurse held my hand as they knocked me out.

I woke up sometime later in a recovery area. I distinctly recall begging the nurse to call my husband and let him know I was okay.Everything else is fuzzy.

Eventually, my husband collected me and we left as quickly as I was physically able. The day felt like the longest day of my life – I’ve since been told we were in the hospital/clinic from start to finish for less than 3 hours. And in those 3 hours, my life was forever changed.

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A few days later the counsellor called to check in. I told her I was okay, but I was really upset about the ultrasound I had that morning. I told her about, she encouraged me to submit a complaint. I declined, feeling that I simply wasn’t ready to write about it, let alone stand up against the treatment I received.  Maybe one day, but definitely not today. So, she asked if she could on my behalf because it just wasn’t acceptable. I said yes.

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The next day I got a call from the administrative head of the ultrasound department at the hospital. I was at work, so I quickly escaped to my safety of me car and told him the entire story. He seemed genuinely appalled. First, while they have had a few bad experiences with spouses in the room, he stated that they are a family first department and spouses are always allowed in the room. The ultrasound tech was not following standard procedure when she would not let my husband in the room. He also stated that he was shocked that another staff member would enter an ultrasound room without adequately protecting the integrity and modesty of a patient – he also knew which room I was in because only one of them is designed that poorly. He also acknowledged that the senior tech absolutely should have introduced himself and explained why he was there and why he may come back. Evidently, basic introductions are also standard procedure.

I also brought up that the staff need to be aware of the abortion clinic and not blatantly judge those of us choosing to abort a pregnancy.  He actually indicated that all his staff are aware and have agreed to preform these ultrasounds.  Just as all the doctors, nurses and counsellors at the abortion clinic know and make an informed decision about working in that clinic.

He also acknowledged that he had no ability to speak to the radiologist about his treatment of me or his decision to share his personal opinion without having reviewed my case – the doctors are outside of his jurisdiction. But, he did tell me that my full final report prepared by the radiologist did state that upon review of my past ultrasounds for this pregnancy he too deemed the pregnancy not viable. So, maybe he heard me and actually did review all of our earlier scans.  I will never know and in the scheme of my life it really doesn’t matter.

Ultimately, he apologized for his staff. He indicated that their actions were substandard, and I deserved better care. He promised to talk to both the techs involved in my case individually and to remind all his staff about appropriate and professional standards.  I have no idea if he kept his word, but I like to think he did. I like to think he took me seriously and that no other women will ever be forced to endure my experience.

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85 Comments on “A Horrific & Traumatic Chain of Events

  1. Oh friend, I was tearing up for you reading this. I’m so sorry that, on top of everything else, you were treated so poorly. I really hope that the director kept his word and spoke to his staff, and that it never happens again. It just breaks my heart that you had to go through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I must say when I read this post, I was shaking and had to actually excuse myself to the washroom and cry. This is something I dont wish on anyone and dear friend, at this moment I just wish you peace.

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  3. I’m so sorry. I’m sure this was incredibly difficult to relive, but I think that others will take comfort in your shared experience. You were placed in a position that most of us have never been challenged with. Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding us that assumptions have no place in these kinds of matters. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you strength and courage as you navigate through your next ultrasound. Hugs.

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  4. Oy vey. My heart broke as I kept reading. I’m so sorry that you were victimized by the very folks who were supposed to help on your journey. Some folks are just born arse-wipes. I’m so proud of you for pushing through and pressing forward, friend. Hang in there.

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    • Thank you so much ABM. I think you make a really good point about feeling victimized repeatedly during that ultrasound – it was like no-one could get their shit together and be respectful of us and offer us basic human dignity and compassion. It was wrong on so many levels.

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  5. Bless you, I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. That was such a difficult post to read, I can’t imagine what it was like to write. I’m glad that you managed to speak to someone about your experience so hopefully no one else has to go through it. So difficult xxx

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    • Thank you my friend, I too hope that no-one else will go through such an experience. Honestly, it was pretty hard to write – I think I had tears running down my cheeks the entire time I wrote and in fact I didn’t go back and edit it because I just couldn’t re-read it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so, so sorry for what you went through, and reading about that ultrasound makes me so very angry on your behalf. I hope that the counselor’s complaint made a difference for all the women who had to deal with that senior tech after you. It’s just completely inexcusable, and after all you’ve been through… argh. I hope that someday the medical profession learns to deal with pregnancy loss and infertility in a sensitive and constructive way, because they’re surely not there yet.

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    • Thank you so much for your compassion and kindness. I too hope that my willingness to share made a difference to future patients. Honestly, now i”m really glad that counsellor pushed me to voice my complaint, it really needed to be done. She was clearly one of the good people I encountered that day.

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  7. I am bawling on your behalf. I can’t even put into words how upset I am about the way you were treated. I’ve always known you were immensely strong, but now…it’s just ten fold. I can’t thank you enough for being so open and honest with us even though, it must cut so deep to have to remember that and write it out. Love you, my Dear and sending huge, huge hugs your way!

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    • Thank you so much my sweet friend. I know i was treated so poorly that day. I know it was wrong. And now I’m really rather glad that the counsellor pushed me to let her submit the complaint – she knew it was hard for me, but she also knew that this simply could not be repeated for other women. And now, nearly 2 years later (wow, I cannot believe it’s been that long – 2 years in August) I am thankful she gave me the opportunity to voice my disappointment.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Tears pooled in my eyes as I read this. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I am horrified that you were treated in such a way. If a radiologist/tech is so staunchly anti-abortion, why would he find himself in that particular line of work? I am disgusted and aching for you, reading that. I sincerely hope he was admonished and handled properly by management.

    Sending you love! ❤

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    • Thank you so much for this Lindsay. I completely agree, why would you work there if you are so opposed to abortions? The clinic works 5 days a week, clearly they see a lot of patients. It just makes no sense to me, I shake my head every-time I think about it. And I too desperately hope that administration took this seriously – no women deserves to have doors left open for the world to see everything and even more, no women deserves to face judgement the way I did that day.

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  9. All I can think is what a strong and resilient person you are to have gone through all this (and then some) and to still be so full of hope and love. Your children will be lucky to have such a pillar of support to guide them through all the highs and lows life throws at us.

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    • Anamarie, thank you! I think hope and love are the only reasons I’ve gotten through all of this. Quite frankly my darkest days have been when I haven’t been able to find hope – I do everything I can to not get stuck there. And thankfully I am surrounded by love and I know everything we’ve done has been based in love, and that just gives me so much comfort.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ok tears are running down my face for you. Ugh how traumatic! I’m so sorry you went through that but I applaud your courage and thank you for sharing it with us 💕

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  11. First, thank you for sharing your story. There is such stigma associated with the decision to terminate a pregnancy. I sincerely hope people listen to stories like yours so we can all stop making judgments about deeply personal decisions.

    Second, thank you for being willing to share your most vulnerable moments. The act of sharing pain is so hard and so brave. It also helps you heal. To get all science-y and serious for a minute, there are tons of studies that show how writing about traumatic experiences help us come to terms with what happened and find equilibrium.

    I’m sorry your experienced this for many, many reasons. You have my greatest sympathies and respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • As always, thank you so much for your support and compassion. It’s interesting that you point out that the act of writing helps us heal – you know, the only reason I finally sat down and wrote this is that I knew I needed to. I knew heading into another ultrasound I had to face this. It’s been almost 2 years since the actual day, and asides from the conversation with the administration head, I do not talk about it. I’ve sort of built walls around this part of my heart and just don’t go there. I’ve written nearly daily for over a year now, and yet this is only my third post related to our abortion, which is really the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through. And, I realize that I need to work through the emotions with our abortion. I know what we did was right for us, but I also know that I cannot just hide from it for the rest of my life.
      Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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  12. Thank you for not only being brave enough to share with the clinic but with us here. Throughout my past 3+ years I have see and heard too much and we need to keep our stories and experiences heard in hopes that it helps another of us. Thank you!

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  13. Oh my goodness this broke my heart. How horrific. Like it wasn’t traumatic enough in the first place to then be treated so badly.

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  14. I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for you to write but, as with all your posts, it’s helping someone out there who has gone through or is going through something like this. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Sending you lots of love.

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    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. You are right, hopefully by sharing this I will help someone else out there. And if my experiences can help even just one person know that they are not alone then all of this will be so worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Reading this just made me feel sick. I am so deeply sorry you had to go through this! And I hope with all my heart that writing it down in such full detail – not just the facts but the horror of the experience – will help set you free. I so much want to see you lay down one after another of these terrible griefs … Not to forget your precious babies, never that, but to lay down all the awful practical details of what it meant to lose them.

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    • I too hope that writing this will help me better deal with some of the emotions surrounding the entire experience. It’s been nearly 2 years and I rarely spend time processing it all – in many ways I have put this entire experience in a box and have hid it out of sight to never be opened. And I know that’s not a great way to cope, and I know in the long run it wont help. I have to agree with you, I hope by confronting these feelings I will be able to lay down the awful details and move forward with peace and love. Thank you for your compassion and support.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. They take these things seriously. I am confident, without really knowing, that everyone was talked to about this.

    I’m so sorry. I am sure your uneasy going in for your next scan that’s coming up.

    Hugs.

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    • I so hope that everyone involved in that ultrasound received a talking to and a lesson in compassion. I also hope they got a lesson in respecting and honouring basic human dignity. And more then anything, I hope that they never ever do this again to another women.

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  17. I’m so sorry, this was difficult to read and I can’t imagine going through this. I hope sharing your experience will help prevent other women from going through this too. I’m sending you good thoughts for your upcoming scan – you are a brave, strong woman! You can do this!

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    • Thank you so much Erin. I too also hope that by sharing my experience with the hospital administration no-one else will ever go through a similar experience.

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  18. This seriously made me ball. What a horrible experience. I am appalled at how they treated you. This was already going to be the worst experience of your life, did they really have to make it worse? I am so sorry you had to even go though this. I am glad you shared it with us. Sending you a big hug. I’m just baffled at the whole situation.

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  19. Reading this made me incredibly uncomfortable and angry. I kept seeing myself in your shoes and thinking, “WTF is wrong with these people!?!?” Aside from the fact that you were going through one of the most, if not THE MOST difficult time in your life, you were exposed to the whole clinic, and completely disrespected. I would have let them have it! I’m glad that you made a complaint, and hopefully it was taken very seriously (which it must have been if they called you back in a days time – that’s pretty impressive). I’m so sorry that you had to go through that on top of everything else. I hope that no one has to ever experience anything like that…thank you for sharing. Sending you hugs and lots of love…

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    • Thank you so much for understanding my friend! You are right with everything you say here. I’m normally a pretty vocal person, and I know I wasn’t myself that day, otherwise I assure you I would have been vocal and there is no way that senior tech would have been allowed anywhere near me. Basic human dignity is a basic right and he took that away from me that day. And that is never acceptable.
      I desperately hope that my complaint was taken seriously. Today I am grateful that the counsellor pushed me to voice my experience, she saw through my moment of hurt and realized what I experienced was bigger then just me. She realized that no other women should ever have to go through that, and so administration needed to hear about. I truly hope they did something about it.

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  20. That radiologist was unprofessional. The situation was just plain awful.

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    • You are right. Everything about that ultrasound was just horrible. I truly hope that administration took my complaint seriously and steps have been taken to ensure no other women will be treated the way I was.

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  21. Oh my god – just an awful, awful thing to go through. That staff member should not have been working with members of the public. That is completely disgraceful. I am so sorry you had to go through this and that you’ve had to carry the memory around with you! I hope you found writing about it started the process of recovery and healing after such an awful, awful encounter x

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    • Thank you so much for your compassion Faye. I am always so touched by your words. I too hope that by writing about this I will start to process my emotions a bit better. It’s amazing, i write almost daily and yet I’ve only ever written 3 posts on our abortion which is the most traumatic experience of our entire 5 losses. Clearly I’ve tried to tuck away all the emotions so that I don’t have to deal with them, but I know better. And i know in the long run that’s not going to benefit anyone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think writing our emotions and experiences down brings great clarity. It has been such a saviour for me in my darkest times. Write as much or little as you need to – you are the only one who can decide what and when x

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  22. My heart is just broken for you. I’m sorry that you had to go through that and that you have to relive that moment over and over. But I hope and pray that writing about and expressing your feelings brings you some relief. You are so incredibly strong. Lots of love.

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    • As always, thank you my friend. I am continually touched by your compassion and your support – if the world was full of more people like you, it would be such a better place!
      I too hope that by writing and exploring these emotions more I will heal from this experience a little bit better. I find it interesting that I’ve written nearly every day for more then a year and yet I have only written 3 posts on our abortion – I realize this is largely in part to my desire to not go there and not think about it. And yet i know that’s not a very healthy way to live, so I think I need to start spending a bit more time with these uncomfortable emotions. Thank you for helping me realize that.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I am SO ANGRY for you having to go through all of that. They need to learn that not everyone is there to use abortion as a form of birth control and that some cases need compassion and review before advice is given. Thank you for sharing your experience. ❤

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  24. I am so proud of you. This must have been a truly traumatic experience. Biggest hugs, you are brave and strong. I am so sorry you had to walk through this.

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  25. What a horrible experience. You’ve mentioned bits and pieces of this before, but I don’t think you’ve ever told the whole story. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. Nobody should ever have to deal with any one of those things, let alone all of them together in one day. You’re such a strong person, and have been through more than anyone ever should. Hugs and love to you ❤

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    • You are right, I have not told this part of my story. Quite frankly I’ve refused to go there – it’s really hard for me so most days I just ignore it. And yet, I know that’s not a healthy approach and for my long term sanity I really do need to put the effort into sorting through all these emotions that are the result of this experience.
      Thank you so much for your love and compassion.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Hugs! I cried reading this. My heart goes out to you. I think it’s good that you were able to write about this, but I’m so sorry that you ever even had to experience this pain. Thinking about you and hoping you feel the love and comfort and support of this community tonight. XOXO!

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    • Thank you so much Amber. The love, comfort and support that comes from you and this entire community is so often my life line. I am thankful for each one of you, you truly are amazing women (and men too).

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  27. This post made me cry. I cannot believe you were treated so poorly over something you had no control over. Yours clearly wasn’t an abortion by choice and the clinic should have had even more respect for you than for other patients who willingly want an abortion.

    My heart really does go out to you and I think of you often. I’ve been really bad about commenting on blogs lately. I’ve been following along though and I hope your happy ending comes soon! Lord knows you and your husband deserve it!!

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    • Thank you so much my friend. And while I do love your comments, please don’t worry about not commenting on my blog lately – your hands and mind are clearly a little busy with your little girl! And in my humble opinion that’s exactly what you should be focusing on. 🙂

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  28. I am just so sorry. For all of it. This world is not nice enough. There are so many things wrong about this and all I can gather to say is I am SO sorry.

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  29. Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I were advised to terminate our pregnancy at 18 weeks when we were told our son did not have any kidneys and could not live outside the womb. We chose to continue the pregnancy, but our situation was much different. My health was not in jeopardy and our son was not in any pain and so in our minds there was no reason to end the pregnancy. We held out hope that he would be healed by some miracle. At 36 weeks, he had quit growing and so I had a c-section at 37 weeks. He lived for 3 hours and 19 minutes. I have never really thought about how the situation would have been different if his condition was compromising my health and life. I am so sorry you had to endure this trauma. Again, thanks for sharing it.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience with me. I am deeply touched by your story and your choice to continue to carry your son knowing the odds were not in your favour. I absolutely understand why you made your choice, and while I’ve never been in the same situation I wonder what I would have done. Like you, I’ve not contemplated it because, I have not been in the situation. But I do know that we have to do whatever is best for us, and hope that people in our lives will support and love us no-matter what. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes. Absolutely. I am pregnant again now after IVF. I am trying so hard not to be terrified. I am only 5 weeks and praying every day that we will get to raise this baby on earth!

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  30. Hearing you put through all it absolutely horrific, so very disgusting they would act with so little compassion towards you and your husband.

    That radiologists should be sacked, they should not have pro-life people with agendas and judgements around vulnerable women, some of whom have chosen and some of who have had that robbed from them. To give you so little communication and dignity, is abhorrent and they should be disciplined and removed from working in that area.

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    • Thank you so much for your understanding! You are right, it was horrific, and it seemed like everyone we met during our ultrasound was negligent and cruel. I’m not sure how it was such a calamity of errors, but really nothing about that ultrasound was acceptable and these types of things simply should not be tolerated.

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  32. My heart breaks for you through this experience. I hate so much that you had to go through any of that….and to be treated so poorly in the process.

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    • Thank you so much for your compassion and love. The way I was treated was really unacceptable and I so hope no-one else ever has to experience that unacceptable level of care.

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  33. That was a difficult read– I can’t imagine living it. Though I do know the feeling of slowly having your baby stop growing and hating everyone in the world who doesn’t want kids they have. I admire you for sharing such personal stories and I hope it helps you find peace.

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    • Stacey, I so appreciate your kind words and sharing your understanding and your own experience. I think knowing your baby is dying is one of the hardest times to live through, because you simply cannot help no matter what you do – I am sorry that you understand this.

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