Sharing Adoption Progress & Excitement
Now that our adoption has started moving forward again, I started thinking about how excited we are.
Adoption is hard work. International adoption is bloody hard work. But, I love the sense of accomplishment, so I’m delighted to see real progress occurring!
When we started the adoption process the first people we told were our references. One of the very first steps was to submit our adoption references, so for rather obvious reasons we started by telling these individuals about our plans to adopt.
Then, we told our families at Christmas. It seemed like something worth celebrating and while we were nervous about telling some people, they came through and showered us with love and support.
However, what we didn’t tell anyone other than our references is where we were in the process. We didn’t provide time estimates until we would be approved. We didn’t tell people we weren’t actually approved yet. When people asked how long we expect, we just said a year or two. We took the approach of not lying, just omitting details and keep things vague.
Of course, people asked their sometimes naive questions and make inappropriate comments, and we did our best to answer them. We did ask almost everyone not to ask us about the adoption process all the time – we knew it would drive us nuts to be constantly asked things like have you been placed with a baby yet or when will you get placed or any news yet. We simply told people that we will tell them when we know something – honestly, it’s not like we are going to come home and have a baby with us without telling our parents and siblings that we were out of the country for a few weeks adopting our baby! For the most part people have respected this, and when people do ask we understand that they haven’t heard anything and they are just curious.
So, anyways, with the progress that is currently happening, we are so excited and yet find ourselves not sharing with our families. After feeling 
hurt a little bit too much in the last year by some of our families, we were licking our wounds and intentionally decided to omit the details of where we were in the process. So, we haven’t been keeping people apprised of our progress. Which means most people just won’t understand how big of a step this is for us. So, we’ve embraced celebrating together and with a few close friends who know the details.
So, this has us thinking. How are we going to tell people if we get matched prior to birth (as opposed to an instant placement)? There seems to be a lot of opinions on sharing or not during the matched phase, because a match can always fall through as a birth mother (or father) may choose to parent. One approach seems to be sharing. Sharing the excitement with friends and family. Sharing the potential disappointment. The other approach seems to be keeping the match to ourselves and sharing once the relinquishment papers are signed and the placement is finalized. This of course means keeping the excitement and potential disappointment to ourselves. In many ways this reminds me of the decision to share the news of a pregnancy before the second trimester, some do and some do not.
Right now, we are leaning towards keeping it to ourselves in-real-life. Those who knew about our recurrent pregnancy loss were not overly supportive during our pregnancies and losses, so we figure why open ourselves back up to being hurt if the placement falls through. I know, this might be a negative way to approach it, but honestly, I’m petrified of a placement falling through and I’m petrified of being hurt by those we love again. While I believe in a birth mother’s choice to parent, I’m very selfishly petrified of losing once again and having to bring other people through the process. Honestly, I think we’ll need to keep it to myself to protect our hearts.
Of course, when it actually happens we might be so excited that we may just end up telling everyone. It’s easy to think about it now, but it sure will be interesting to see what happens when we are actually matched!
P.S. I will share with those who are supportive, which means of course I will share this news with all my blogging friends when the time comes!!
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I fully understand your reason for choosing to keep it to yourselves (and a small handful of people in ‘real life’). If an adoption DOES fall through (god forbid), it would be nice to have the support of your families. But that support isn’t always a guarantee – they may not understand your hurt, or may not have the reaction you’d like them to have. And you don’t want to have to deal with *that* on top of the hurt/disappointment of it falling through.
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That’s exactly why we likely wont tell our families! We will tell a few really close friend and I’ll tell all my blogging friends, but otherwise I think we’ll keep the news to ourselves. 🙂
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If you you feel you may not get the support you know you’ll need if a match falls through, then I think you’re right to protect yourselves as much as possible. I wish it were different though. I wish that there was no doubt that you would get unwavering support from your families. I, for one, can’t wait for the day that the news comes that you’re matched!
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Thank you for understanding. I too wish it were different, but I realize I need to take the right steps for me, and that might just mean we don’t tell our families.
I know I will definitely be telling you when it happens!!! (And everyone else in the blogging world). You ladies (and some men too) are my life line, you absolutely get to know! 🙂
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I think this makes total sense, especially given your past hurts with your family. Will you share it with the blog world since we’re not real life? Now I’M being selfish, but I would love to share in the excitement of a match with you! I don’t think I would share on my blog, but that’s because my family and close friends also read it. Sometimes I wish I would have kept it anonymous! Either way, this is so excited and I am ecstatic for you that everything is moving alone. I wish I lived near you so I could take you out for a celebratory drink!
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Yes, Yes, Yes I will share with you!! (I actually went back into the post and added a line about that, because clearly I will share on my blog).
A celebratory drink is exactly what Mr. MPB and I did. I wish we could go for one together! The drinking part is absolutely a bonus about adoption. 🙂
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I would keep it to myself till the end honestly.. I find it very hard to fail in front of an audience( when people are not supportive, we feel like performers in a play in front of them).
Maybe you can choose how much you want to share when you are placed with a baby v/s to-be-born-baby and reveal to all only when the birth parents relinquish all rights.
Honestly, IMHO, if someone is really caring and understanding, you will automatically share every step and fear with them, but if they are just not there,then why bother telling them before anything is concrete?
Good Luck..
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You are so right, it’s hard to fail in front of others!! As someone who isn’t accustomed to failure, that’s been a big part of my struggle with not working much in the last year, so I really get what you mean.
Anyways, for me in this circumstance it’s more about having to deal with my own emotions at the same time as explaining it over and over and over again to other people who just don’t get it. I don’t want to have to deal with other people’s grief first and my own second. That’s what happened with our later losses when people knew, and I just don’t want to go through that again.
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This really does seem like something you just have to go with your instincts on. If you know they haven’t provided the support you’ve needed in the past, they probably won’t provide the support you may need in the future, either. I think there’s something to be said for the realistic support you’d receive from the blog, versus the overly positive support you’d receive from family, too. I would venture to guess that many of us in blog-land have seen adoptions fall through at the last minute, where most people in real life have not necessarily seen that happen. Blog land is more prone to understanding cautious optimism than the family members who may not understand your underlying fears despite being matched. If that makes sense. I experienced a bit of that with IVF. My mom was SO SURE IT WOULD WORK. There was no other option. She didn’t understand why I was so afraid and why I couldn’t just be shiny happy positive. What I really needed was the people who could acknowledge both my fears and my hopes.
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Thank you so much for sharing this with me – you are so incredibly right! The blog world support is so often grounded in the cautious optimism, we all seem to get it. And that’s absolutely the kind of support we need. I don’t want to be bothered with the negative support or the overly positive support – neither are useful to me at this point and I am now smart enough to know that I really need support that I find supportive, so I will be focusing on ensuring I share with those who can offer it. 🙂
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I expect the LP and I would be quite private and very selective with who we told what until things were pretty unshakable so I totally get your decision. It’s so hard to have to back-pedal later when your own heart is breaking and you’re having to answer the same questions or fend off the same insensitive comments when all you want to do is sit in the dark by yourselves licking your wounds. And if you guys change your mind as things get more real, that’s okay too. Ultimately what matters is that you do what feels right to you two. I’m so glad things are moving forward. It’s a milestone of sorts even to be having these discussions with each other, right?Yay for progress!
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Thank you so much for understanding and for pointing out that these types of thoughts are a milestone in and of themselves! It is such a big change in our thought-process from this time last year. Also, I firmly believe you are right – ultimately we just need to do what is best for us. That might change with time, or it wont, and that’s okay too.
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I’ve often wondered at what point most people decide to share the news of an adoption match. I think you’re right that it’s a similarly personal decision to the decision of whether or not (and whom) to tell about a pregnancy before the second trimester. It sounds like you’re doing essentially exactly what we did — telling a few supportive people early on, but waiting to tell the rest of the world, who might not understand. Of course, for us, in the end it turned out not to matter — we told everyone in the second trimester, and then our daughter died anyway.
From that perspective, I can tell you that there are pros and cons: the pros are that there’s no secrecy around a massive personal tragedy, and mostly people are (or try to be) sensitive and understanding and avoid pushing your buttons. The cons, of course, are that even well-meaning people can (and do!) say stupid things, and you can’t escape from dealing with the whole gamut of reactions from people that you really don’t want to deal with while going through a massive personal tragedy. Since everyone knows, you have to talk to everyone about it (for anyone who finds themself in that situation: I recommend email). But in the end, for me at least, the increased sensitivity of people around me has ultimately been helpful — I don’t get questions about “so, when are you two going to start a family?” or any of the winky nudgey remarks that young couples usually get, and mostly people avoid talking about pregnancy or little kids around me, which for now is helpful. It’s not the end of the world for everyone to know about a personal tragedy, so I wouldn’t worry if you get excited and let it slip, but you’re also of course doing exactly the right thing to think about protecting yourselves as much as you can.
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I read it, and I’m heartbroken for what you went through. With our first 2 losses we kept them entirely to ourselves, we didn’t share a word with anyone. When we found out our third baby was going to die we started telling very select people. And then with our fourth we were more open from the start, but then it just sucked having to tell people we lost another one. And it was hard, because no-one knew what to say and some people just left me feeling worse for having shared with them. So, all this said, I kind of think we will go right back to our strategy with not telling anyone until it’s a done deal just so that we don’t have to risk sharing potential bad news. Honestly, it’s just about protecting our hearts.
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I just cannot imagine how people in general, let alone people close to you and RELATED to you, can be unsupportive of any aspect of this process or what you’ve already gone through. It just blows my mind. I can’t even almost wrap my head around what you guys have been through, all I know is that it has to take a special kind of courage, resiliency, and undying love for children to do what you’re doing. That should be admired, not criticized.
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For the most part I really don’t think people have been unintentionally unsupportive or hurtful (except for our one set of really close friends who have never spoken to either of us since we told them about our third loss, I think they were just intentionally mean).
I really just think people don’t know what to say and say really stupid things sometimes because they don’t seem to think before they talk.
That said, thank you so much for understanding and for your kind words. I am ever so grateful for the support I receive from you.
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I understand why it’s important to think about this. I think only you and Mr. MPB know what’s right for you. ❤ I'm still so excited that things are moving along well! Yay! Yay! Yay! 🙂
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Thank you!! You are right, whatever we ultimately decide to do with sharing the news with our family, we really just need to do whatever is right for us! 🙂
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Protecting your heart is really important. I read back on the posts that you linked and I have to say, I totally understand why. Sometimes, people don’t really know how to gauge their reactions because they haven’t been in your shoes. They have no clue! With all of the joy that comes from adoption, somewhere along the road there is also pain, and fear, and heartache. Sometimes things go just as they should, and sometime they don’t. Things can change in a snap. I think that if this works best for your family, then hey! No one can really say anything to you. I think it’s a wise choice.
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Thank you so much for understanding my/our need to protect our hearts through all of this. I think you are so right that people say some things simply because they’ve never been in the situation, and honestly when it comes to loss and adoption the vast majority of people simply will never walk the path that I have. I do try to remember that, but sometimes I just need to look out for me in all of this and I think this will likely be a circumstance where I need to focus on what’s best for us and not what others think is best for them (i.e. family wanting to know details).
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We haven’t made a big announcement either although most of our family and close friends know. I think we may make it more public when we get a referral and travel to see our little one. I think it has to be a personal decision and you get to decide who to let in, when, and where! 🙂 I am so excited for you! We were pretty pumped when our paperwork got over our border as well…it is official! Congrats!!!
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It is such a big accomplishment to cross the international border – I’m glad you get it! Somehow it finally feels official. Thank you!
I think the traveling part is what will make us make it more public. Because really, if we vanish for a few weeks some people should notice! That said, we could actually keep it a secrete from our family if we wanted to as none of our family lives in the same city as us, so they have no idea where we are when talking to us on our cell phones. So, maybe it is doable if we really want to. I guess we’ll just wait and see what we decide at the time.
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Glad it’s moving forward!
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Thank you!!
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I understand you wanting to keep it from people still. You’ve been through so much over the past couple years, and have been hurt and let down by a lot of people. You need positive support right now, not people judging or questioning what you are doing. I’m happy that you do have some people you can trust to share with though! And so happy that you share with all of us!
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As always, thank you so much for understanding and getting it! It really is about positive support, and we will be doing whatever it takes to focus on positive support. 🙂
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I have always admired your strength. Your sense of privateness has encouraged me to keep things closer to my heart. I used to share everything so openly with people who I thought would be there for me. With this pregnancy, I’ve been way less vocal except with my husband and a few close friends. I honestly think it makes life easier. Less disappointments.
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Thank you so much for your kind words! I still struggle to keep things private, but I’m trying and working hard to be better at it because I simply cannot keep opening myself up to being constantly disappointed. I do find it a bit easier now that I look at it as being about protecting our child’s privacy. But I’m a talker, so being quite is just hard for me. 🙂
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I understand wanting to keep it close to your heart. Thinking of you.
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Thanks Jo!
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Hello! What fantastic news! I totally understand the dilemma. We haven’t told anyone we are doing IVF, not because I’m ashamed of it “failing” or anything like that. More that I don’t want to have people pushing for status updates and I don’t want to have to give out bad news if it doesn’t work. I did discuss the concept with people ahead of time – just my closest friends – but not a huge number.
A friend of ours adopted a while back and she told people about it in advance. She was very open about it. She was adopting on her own so I guess in that sense it’s nice to be able to talk to people about it. Also she knows I (and my SO) are adopted so it was (maybe!) interesting to speak to adults who had been adopted, ahead of the adoption going through. It was a real kind of celebratory mood within our friendship group.
When we were babies we weren’t matched ahead of time. We just sort of got doled out to the next (pre approved) people in the queue. So I guess in that way it couldn’t “fall through” as you didn’t get matched to any one child. You just got the next one to become available! Haha!
You’ve got to do what’s right for you. I think for us when it comes to IVF we wouldn’t share it unless there is a high chance of success (probably more like 5-6 months rather than 12 weeks!). I’m not someone who’s going to be posting ultrasounds on fb. I’m not really like that. You just need to trust yourself that whatever you do will be the right thing for you!
And: SQUEEEEEAL! 🙂
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It’s the sharing of bad news if things go wrong that just sucks – you are so right! We tried sharing more with our 4th pregnancy early on and hated having to explain that we lost the baby and having to deal with less then supportive “support” comments like “maybe next time” or “you should just adopt” (yes, I still hate the comment even now that we are adopting). It was miserable. And I just don’t want to have to do it again if an adoption falls through. So, I think we’ll just do what’s right for us, and for now we’ll plan to keep it all to ourselves and if we change our minds when the time comes that’s okay too.
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Yeesh. I think people just don’t know what to say. But you’re right… Who wants to deal with the crappy things they say when they don’t know what to say! 🙂
More to the point… I’m so excited for you! I am so looking forward to following your journey! 🙂
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