Adoption Haters
I have been reluctant to write about decision to terminate one of our pregnancies. The decision was made out of medical necessity, and I have no regrets. My reluctance comes from my worry that abortion is such a polarizing topic and I haven’t wanted to throw myself into the center of the debate. Recently I’ve decided to start opening up about our decision a bit more.
So, while I’ve been worried about becoming part of the abortion debate, I’ve been much more vocal about our choice to adopt. I think I often share details about adoption that many people choose not to discuss. Things like:
- Our initial indecision about adoption.
- Our concerns about everyone in our extended family accepting an non-biological adopted child with open arms.
- Our detailed thought process about race and substance abuse.
- Our struggles with insensitive questions and comments we’ve received from people in our lives.
- The detailed adoption process as it we understand it.
- The staggering amount of adoption decisions we have to make.
- Our on going frustrations with the adoption process and timelines.
- Our home study fears and resulting realities.
- Our initial surprise at people’s excitement and our own process from fostering excitement to our more recent full blown excitement.
I’ve chosen to share the details related to the thought processes, the questions we struggle to resolve, and my intimate thoughts. I’ve shared these details because I firmly believe anyone considering adoption deserves to understand what they are getting into – the good, the bad and the frustrating. I also want a record of this for my sake and my future child’s sake. I believe we all deserve to know the story that brought us together as a family, again the good, the bad and the frustrating. Life isn’t perfect, and I’m not going to pretend it is.
So, in sharing about our choice to adopt I have received negative comments from multiple people in the internet world and some in real life. I’ve written about the real life comments that we haven’t expected and how we’ve processed and dealt with them. What I haven’t written about is the negative comments I’ve received on my blog (note that I have not and will not share the comments, as per my blogging rules I simply do not believe in spreading hatred and there is no place for that type of comment on my slice of the world, My Perfect Breakdown).
So, while I will not share the comments, what amazes me the most first that I’m actually receiving negativity about our choice to adopt and my choice to share about it. Second, I’m amazed that of the comments I’ve received, at least two of them came from within the adoption community. Those who should get it. One of these comments came from an adoptive parent and another from an adult adoptee (I know the origin of the comments because they stated so in their comments).
And the one I find the saddest is an adoptive parent who judged and hated me for taking the stance of educating someone for saying hurtful things about adopting an “unwanted” child.
I’m not saying agree with everything I say, in fact I’d prefer if people do question me. I know I am not always right in my approach. I am always open to a good debate based in respect. I believe people have so much to teach each other, and I am always happy to learn. But, what amazes me is that individuals have chosen to simply share hate and negative judgement without any sort of constructive criticism.
I was prepared for negative judgement when discussing abortion, I was not prepared for it in respect to our choice to adopt.
Instead of attacking each other, shouldn’t we as adoptive parents be standing together and supporting each other? Shouldn’t we as parents, adoption or not, be supporting our children and advocating for them when they are too young to stand up for themselves? Shouldn’t we as mothers be showing compassion and love in our actions so that our children also grow up to demonstrate these qualities?
I know, I know, there I go again expecting too much. I am actively working to lower my expectations of people in my real life, and in society in general. But honestly, imagine how great the world would be if we were supporting each other instead of cutting each other down?
At the end of the day, regardless of any mean comments I receive on my blog, or we receive in real life, we are doing what’s best for us our future children. Adoption is our chosen route to our family and we are excited to welcome our child(ren) into our lives. We may not do everything perfectly, but we will do our absolute best. Months and months ago I wrote a promise to my child, and every single word I said still rings true.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 
I hate that you’re getting any kind of negativity. Making the decision to adopt and then going through the process is hard enough without having to deal with haters. And that they’re coming from people that are in that world is just…well, it makes my blood boil! It’s one thing when it’s someone who isn’t in this world (like often happens in the IF/RPL world), it’s a whole other ball game when they’ve been there. I applaud you for correcting those that say these children are unwanted. Even if it’s true for the Birth Parent/s (which it often isn’t), it may not be true for others in that family and it’s certainly not true because we want them.
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Thank you so much for this! It also makes my blood boil – it drives me crazy that people who have adopted wouldn’t be more supportive of helping others figure out all this stuff. It’s hard stuff, so encouragement just makes sense! Oh, and you are right, no matter what the circumstances are for the birth parents, our child is wanted, because we desperately want them!
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I agree with you 100% about supporting one another. I also don’t understand why people can’t just disagree respectfully. The world is not black and white, so to speak. Please know you can always find the support you need and you can share anything that you want to share. You are not alone. ❤
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Than you so much Julieann – I so appreciate your love and support. You are right, the world is not black and white, and to me, it’s all about respectful disagreements
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Sometimes I wonder what goes through the mind of someone who takes the time to leave a negative comment on someone’s blog. I understand some people have differing opinions on things (especially a topic like adoption, because of the high emotions involved for all parties). But to take the time out of your day to be negative and hateful to someone? That is something I simply do not understand.
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I agree with every single word you said here. I get that there are different opinions on things, especially emotionally charged subjects like adoption. But seriously, why people choose hate is beyond me.
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Can I be a bit potty mouth, please?
F**K those who are negative, its your choice, your baby and your life. Adoption is a life altering decision, and lets be honest, not everyone has the guts to go with it, even in the infertile world. I applaud your decision and if people who really care so much about you both cannot understand that this decision makes you happy, then I doubt how much they really support you both.
You go ahead with your dreams, I see a beautiful baby in your arms soon.
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Thank you so much for your kind words – even the potty mouth words. 🙂 I completely agree with you and I so hope we get our baby soon!!
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Im gobsmacked that anyone in this world, IF/adoption, would even consider judging another’s decision and even go as far as to vocalize their negativity. I’m sorry you experienced that, it’s pretty crappy.
I can hardly wait for you to have your baby in your arms, cuddling and rocking to sleep. I’m so hopeful for you 😊
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Thanks so much for understanding my frustration – I just don’t understand the need for hate. And thanks for your hope too! 🙂
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Thank you for sharing and continuing to share your experiences and thoughts during your journey. We are starting to explore adoption and I so appreciate reading your story (all the good and frustrating parts!).
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Thank you so very much for your encouragement – it’s words like this that motivate me to continue to share. I so hope that our journey can help others, like you, have a bit more insight into everything adoption. I firmly believe the good of growing our family will far outweigh the frustrations of the adoption process that we are currently stuck in. 🙂
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First, I hope that when you say lowering expectations, you aren’t confusing that with having standards. Because it’s good to have standards for human decency which are clearly in violation here.
It’s so hard in forums like this because the value of them is in their ability to foster connection. That connection can come precisely when people who have differing views learn to listen to each other, and find common ground even when opinions are in conflict. What I don’t like about this is the apparent lack of empathy and respect.
Without knowing what was said (and I respect your choice not to share, believe me) I often think comments like this are made as a way for people to validate themselves. They see someone taking a different path and that makes them insecure in their own. And sadly, it is so much easier to lash out and say someone is wrong than it is to exercise compassion.
#rantover
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You made a good point about not lowering my expectations below basic human standards! I wish I could understand the decision making process that goes on for someone when they decide to share hate over compassion – I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand it.
P.S. I loved your rant. 🙂
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Oh my gosh does THIS hit a nerve. Opinions are so strong on adoption…. And there are many ignorant people out there. Thanks for continuing to share!
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There are so many adoption opinions out there, and I think they all have to be expressed. I guess the big difference between me and a few of the comments I’ve received is I tend to think that views and opinions should be expressed in a compassionate and respectful way.
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I think about that ALL the time..”Imagine how great the world would be if we were supporting each other instead of cutting each other down?” I just don’t understand it…why? What does anyone get out of that? Always know that you are supported here, no matter what…lots of love and support to you friend 🙂 xoxo
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Thank you so much for understanding and always supporting me! I am beyond thankful for your love and compassion. I tend to think if more people in the world were just like you, then the world would be a wonderful place! 🙂
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Its always amazing to me what people are willing to say behind the curtain of the internet. Its like the anonymity makes them feel its ok to approach something they don’t agree with in a completely toxic way. There is ALWAYS a way to share an opposing perspective without attacking someone. I am always open to a constructive means of opposition, but I just cannot believe how some people choose to react with hate. It doesn’t accomplish anything. Your willing to be open about your process with adoption is very brave and I always feel like I learn something from your posts. Sadly there will always be haters on the net, but thankfully there are also some really amazing supporters. Keep sharing! XOXO
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Every single thing you said here is exactly what I am thinking! There is always a way to show compassion and to disagree respectful.
And, thank you so much for your kind words about my blog and my writing. I am touched that I am able to help others understand a bit more about adoption and I am beyond thankful for the support I receive from you and so many others. Thank you!
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This baffled me. I am not sure how anyone could ever make negative comments about such topics you’ve tackled. Seriously, you’ve embraced each topic with such grace and dignity and very thoughtfully that I find it hard to believe someone would have something to say against it. But, then again, when people are rude and hateful (even I can get rude and negative) it surprises me and makes me scratch my head. This process is hard enough. I am glad you don’t spread the negativity. We are all adults, who all have different thoughts and ideas. There are ways to be kind and respectful while discussing such things. XOX Hugs. You’re amazing.
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Thank you so very much for your kind words. I completely agree with you that there is always a way to be respectful no matter the subject and so I’m always left confused and sad when people don’t even try.
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Terribly sorry for the negative comments/feedback. Please keep writing and doing what you’re doing.
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Thank you so much for your encouragement!! 🙂
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It’s always the stupid ones who have no filter on their big, stupid mouths. What is really stunning about this is that the comments came from the adoptive community. Of course everyone has different experiences with adoption, just as everyone has different experiences with pregnancy, that doesn’t mean that you should try to steal someone else’s joy because of how your experience played out.
Allow me to say that the world is a BETTER PLACE for couples like you who are choosing to grow their families through adoption. Every child deserves a parent. End of story.
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Thank you so much for this comment – I agree in that I was pretty shocked that such a hateful comment came from within the adoption community. I think that shocked me more then their hateful comment itself.
And thank you so much for your kind words. As you say, every child deserve a parent I am so excited that we will be loving parents to our children. Just as you will be. 🙂
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It really pisses me off that you would get any type of negative comments. You have been though so much and I know that your story has touched lots of people. I remember reading your post on having to terminate one of your pregnancies and it brought me to tears. It was written with such honesty and compassion. I hope I never have to be in that situation but it I do, I hope I am able to find the strength that you did to get through it. As for the adoption thing, it is crystal clear that you are doing what is best for your future children. They are lucky to have you (whoever the end up being).
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Jennie, thank you so much for your kind words! The world needs more people just like you, sharing such a positive influence and leaving such a positive mark on the world.
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I never could have imagined adoption being a controversial topic; I am baffled. I guess today I learned that there are negative people for anything. I hope you get a lot more support and positivity than you get negative comments!
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Thank you Steph – I too am surprised at the negativity that adoption can generate. And yes, I get way more positive comments then I do negative, and for that I am beyond thankful for people like you! 😉
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Nasty adoption comments are why when I moved to WordPress, I set my blog to not be indexed by search engines from day one. I know that limits my blog readership of positive people as well as negative ones, but I just don’t need the extra stress. Like you, I am happy to engage in a constructive conversation and happy to acknowledge that adoption is a learning process just like anything else in life. Others are not as fair-minded. Good for you for speaking out!
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Thank you so much for sharing! I totally hear you on not needing the extra stress of negativity. As you say, adoption is a learning process (like most other things in life) and I’m happy to take part in constructive respectful dialog, but I’m so not interested in sharing negativity!
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You are so amazingly strong. I love how you combat these negative combats with the utmost of class. I wish there were more people like you. What a great model you are setting for your future living children.
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Thank you so very much for your kind words and support! I am so thankful for people like you who offer me so much love, compassion and encouragement!
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Oh, those adoption naysayers … I could see if you were trying to adopt and you were homeless, single, 89 years old, smoked 7 packs daily, had PTSD with hourly panic attacks and amnesic rages, end-stage liver & kidney disease, new onset AIDS, combined with heavy alternating cocaine & heroin IV drug abuse, ate mostly Crisco and cucumbers, lacked fingers and toes, were legally blind, a bad speller, worshipped Lindsey Lohan, were opposed to exercise of any kind, hated to cook, had weeping active herpes sores from head to toe, had an albino skunk fetish and liked to steal for fun — THEN I would definitely be opposed to YOU adopting. I’ve very serious about this. VERY.
Anyway, I think as you are, you’re a pretty darn fine person who’s hopefully gonna get that little baby who will one day be saying “mommy, mommy, mommy!” and all of these adoption naysayers will be left in the dust of the past.
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I laughed so hard when I read this! Mr. MPB did too. 🙂
Thank you so very much for your kind words – I am so excited for the day that we will have our little baby in our arms! 🙂
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Laughter is the best medicine! Glad to make you smile. 🙂
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Haters gonna hate. If the Internet has taught me anything, it’s that. I’m so sorry for the narrow mindedness of some people. Thankfully, they are far outnumbered by those of us with slightly broader outlooks on life.
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Haters gonna hate – so very true!! And thankfully the positive loving compassionate people, like you, far outweigh the negative people. 🙂
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I hate saying this, but I am not at all surprised. I watched these types of people attack another blogger and I was just beside myself. I do understand why some folks don’t like adoption (some people placed a baby and regret it, some people regret being placed, and some people believe that children belong with their bio families – something you and I have discussed in comments in the past). But to be so hateful, I just don’t understand it.
Good on you for not posting their hate.
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Thank you so much for your understanding and support Courtney. As you say, there are a lot of things about adoption that are not perfect, and about a million emotions involved for all the people involved, but hate just isn’t necessary! Seriously, we can learn so much from each other when we show respect!
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I am very grateful that you blog openly and am very sad you have received negative comments in this manner. I am surprised, but this is an eye opener for me to the ‘debates’ out there. Everyday is a school day,..
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Thank you so much for your encouragement – it is statements like yours that keep me sharing so much! 🙂
That said, like you, I am sad that people feel the need to be negative. It boggles my mind.
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If there was no adoption, I’d likely not be here – so I for one am thankful for people like you. And more broadly, I’m thankful for your blog which always makes me think. You are so thoughtful and eloquent and I’m glad you’re putting these thoughts out there!
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Thank you so much for sharing such encouraging words!! I am beyond thankful that you are here too 🙂
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This makes me so frustrated! We have millions of kids around the world with no parents and you’re working your booty off and paying large sums of money to get ready for this child to come into your life. Shame on anyone who has negative things to say about your family’s personal decisions. You are doing great, I’m proud of you for tackling this subject with more grace than I could ever muster!!!
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You so get it!!! Yes, negativity is completely necessary, but it wont deter us from leading out lives in a positive way. As always, thank you for your encouragement and kind words. 🙂
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My advice would be that you can learn from it all even the negative stuff that comes from adoption. Sending you strength.
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I agree, there is absolutely an opportunity to learn through all the negativity. That said, I do not condone negativity and hatred as an approach to sharing opinions. I think there is always a way to have a respectful disagreement. 🙂
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I love that you addressed this, but didn’t give them power over your thoughts. I’ve had a few VERY negative comments that I refuse to publish and I’m okay with that. There will always be those people in the world. It’s even more evident today. Narrow-minded people will never change their views and should have no impact on our decisions and life. Thinking of you.
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I completely agree with you – good to address, but then leave it because they do not get to control my thinking.
I am sorry you too have experienced negativity. I will never understand some people. Love to you my friend.
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I think it’s one thing to call things into question and quite another to be cruel. I’m sorry that people have been judgmental and hateful toward you and your decisions. Hate never helps. Never.
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As far as I’m concerned there is no place for cruelty and hate. Imagine what our would would be like if everyone could embrace respectful difference and dialogue!
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I hate that people here can be so hateful. I kind of get it out in the real world…but I’d like to think that everyone here is here to support each other and share the love. I received a negative comment on one of my posts the other day as well…I wish people would just think before writing! And for you, for people to say mean things even when they’re from the adoptive community themselves, blows my mind. I’m glad you don’t really let them get to you too much, and I hope that people will get a grip and realize you’re doing what’s best for YOU. *hugs*
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I’m sorry you too received a negative comment! Seriously, I do not understand why people feel the need to share negativity! It’s simply beyond me. Hugs and love to you my friend, you so do not deserve to hear negativity!
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Thank you…you don’t either! I just deleted it and got over it. I have too much important stuff to stress over, that I just brushed off!
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It frustrates me that people are responding negatively to you, although, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but you don’t have to get a funky attitude about it! That grinds my gears! I will say, with adoption drawing closer for us, the issue of the “unwanted child” and when people makes comments like that really boils our blood. Mainly because Mary’s mom wants her, we know this, she has made it very clear, but her choices aren’t smart one or ones that are becoming of a mother who’s child is in Foster care and she is trying to regain custody of. It’s not easy being in our shoes. We have to watch our little girl cry and grieve the family that she lost while simultaneously try her hardest to embrace a new one, with new customs, and new rules. She lost everything she knows and is gaining uncertainty and fear and love and consistency all at the same time. She is a broken little girl that we are trying our freaking damnedest to put back together. We’re lucky she’s verbal and able to process these things. Babies have it easy, until they don’t, and instead of supporting each other because we are similar situations , much like you said, they try and break you down to flyer you to “see it how they see it” without offering any helpful words. It’s really just ridiculously annoying. But I’ll tell you what friend, you’ll always have my support, and when your forever baby comes into your arms, I’ll cry tears of joy with you because frankly, we’re all these kids have…good for you for saying (politely) “scree you lady!”
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I so appreciate your thoughts on all of this and your experiences in your own life. I so hear you about the “unwanted child” comments – I think people have a very strange view of what adoption means in the modern day and developed world – these children are so wanted, and wanted by so many people!!
Anyways, I could go on a giant rant on that subject, but instead I will simply say thank you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for always understanding and thank you for your positive friendship! You are truly an inspiration to me.
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