Just Relax
The next person to say those two words to me, might not survive the conversation.
Honestly, I don’t usually have people in my real life tell me to relax anymore. In fact it has been a long time since someone has been stupid enough to use those words with me. You see, my entire life I’ve been the definition of a type-a personality. High strung, high energy, high stress, highly controlling, etc. So, even before we experienced our miscarriages and adoption I was frequently told these words. This means I’ve had lots of time to educate people on how much this irritates me.
Anytime someone uses those two words with me, I always answer very sarcastically (FYI, I am a very sarcastic person in-real-life):
- If life were that simple, then stress wouldn’t exist
- Please tell me, how do you suggest I just relax? I would really like some effective strategies that I can implement. P.S. If my counsellor cannot solve my life with your just relax strategy, then I suspect you wont be able to either.
- If you could come up advice on how to actually relax, I might just be able to relax.
- Maybe we could look for a real solution to the problem so the problem no longer exists. Then, I might actually be able to relax.
- If you were told just to relax, would that help you? Or would it infuriate you?
I’ve made a pretty big deal out of using those words for a long time now, and I’ve made sure to tell everyone I know doesn’t use those words with me.
I can guarantee telling me to relax will not:
- Result in a viable pregnancy. Guess what, we tried that. I quit my job in part to remove stress from my life. It didn’t work. Removing stress will not overcome reversed blood flow to my uterus, because stress does not cause that.
- Result in a better grade on the exam or get the paper done. Relaxing will not magically result in being able to overcome an important deadline.
- Fix grief. Yup, telling someone to relax when they are upset that their babies have died, is not going to help. In fact, it’s just plain stupid to think it would make a difference.
- Result in higher client satisfaction as they need their answer right now, not in a week when I actually have time to do it.
- Overcome and solve the newest adoption hurdle. How I wish this were as simple as just relaxing!
Really, I can guarantee that telling me to relax will not help any situation, big or small, in any way!
So, you may be wondering at this point in the rant, why? Why am I loosing my mind over this today? Clearly, someone used the words in a conversation with me. Someone who knows better:
MR. MPB!!!
Yes, you read that right. Those words are off limits in my world (and I suspect for almost anyone who has gone through any sort of infertility). Mr. MPB knows this. And he also knows that telling me to relax is going to effectively do the exact opposite and up my anxiety and bother me more then whatever I was originally bothered about. In this disagreement, he found a button that triggers a crazy reaction in me, and he pushed it.
To be fair, I have to completely acknowledge that I was out of line, and I probably pushed every single one of his buttons. In fact, I’d say I probably haven’t been that irrational in months, maybe even years. (FYI, if I’m willing to admit this to myself and to the entire world, I can assure you it was not pretty, and I was absolutely not a joy to be around).
I do intend to blame my screwed up Synthroid for my complete lack of sleep and for me being a ball of anxiety. I get that being on incorrect dose really is not an appropriate reason for me to be disrespectful and lose my calm. But, I maintain that he knows better.
Okay, maybe I owe him another apology.
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So true. If I help communicate one thing to people about infertility/miscarriage/struggles to get pregnant it would be to never ever ever tell a woman to, “just relax”.
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I have no idea why people think “just relax” is good advice in any circumstance. I agree with you about communicating this to people, and hopefully sparing another person the annoyance of hearing this words.
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I wonder if your husband did what my husband does when I become completely illogical and impassable in an argument. He’ll purposefully choose a button he knows will send me somewhere else and get me off the path I was on. Which solves 2 things:
1. It changes my irrational focus.
2. It gets me to calm down faster.
Maybe that was what Mr. MPB was doing?
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I dunno if that was his intent, now that I’m feeling much more rational I will ask him if it was intentional. I suspect not, because it didn’t help me calm down, it just fueled my crazy fire by adding another irrational focus to my thoughts. 🙂
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Hahaha that’s always possible too. Sometimes we just get mad and push a button just because we’re mad, so that’s also likely =P
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Leave it to the spouse to know EXACTLY what button to push!
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Precisely!! I don’t generally have a lot to complain about with Mr. MPB, he’s truly a wonderful man and I am so fortunate to call him mine, but seriously, who says relax to a women in a fit of crazy??!
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Someone who clearly needed to learn his lesson! LOL
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Haha! I turned crazy (for better or worse), so I suspect he has this lesson forever etched into him. 🙂
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Well … I hope that after you got that off your chest you and he came up with a shared solution to your stress that caused you to feel …. quite … deliciously … reeeelaxed… 🙂
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Yes, we did work through it, eventually once I calmed down. 🙂
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My husband’s favorite to use is “Calm down”. It is actually a joke between us because he never means it. It is his way of bringing humor to a difficult situation. But, if he were serious, I might have to strangle him.
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Humor in a difficult situation is usually a very good tactic! A tactic that is normally used in our house as well, but somehow it missed the mark the other day. 🙂
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Yeah…that happens from time to time here as well.
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Ahh, I hate those dreaded words. It just goes to show that people who haven’t dealt with the struggles of infertility really have no idea. XO
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I completely agree!
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I’ve been getting more than my fair share of “just relax” lately, and I do hereby solemnly swear to NEVER say those words to another person ever again. XOXO
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I imagine you have been hearing those two dreaded words frequently lately! I am with you, NEVER again will I use those words. 🙂
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Just relax…calm down… it’s not a big deal… just relax will not get me pregnant or make my husband unsterile… for me out of all of those the biggest one to PO me is the it’s not a big deal… really so I’ve spent hours crying for nothing… I’ve spent thousands to get a chance and even if it’s not a big deal to someone else it is obviously a big deal to me if I am crying and upset about it… although I do constantly apologize to my hubster for me being ya know crazy but I think he handles it well sometimes we just gotta remember our hubbys are the only ones who have our backs when the world is falling down because it is falling down for them as well!
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I hear you about “it’s not a big deal” – that makes me want to scream clearly it is to me!
And you are right, our husbands are the ones that have our backs when the rest of the world seems to be against us. Mr. MPB and I like to joke that it often feels like it’s us against the world. Even if we disagree, at the end of the day, no matter what, we are in this together.
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Ooh that’s a big one! Mine is maybe you are making a bigger deal out of this than it really is, you’re being too dramatic and emotional.
Excuse me?
Ugh, but yep I understand the perspective but need to have the room to feel where I am at.
SOB, some days this is fucking hard.
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Being too dramatic and emotional! What fun would life be if I weren’t dramatic or emotional? Hahaha!
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Ha! Oh Mr. MPB! I feel like I’ve done the same to my hubby too…I always blame hormones! Seriously though…totally agree when people say, “Just Relax”..I want to punch them in the throat. They have no clue that it makes it worse…..so I understand and feel the same way….now I’m off to go eat some ice cream because well, hormones!! 🙂 xoxo
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Seriously, who says just relax to their wife? I love Mr. MPB, but that was just a silly comment. As I became unhinged, I suspect he wont make that silly mistake again. 🙂
I like your idea of getting ice cream and blaming it on the hormones! I should try that.
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I had to laugh when when I read the first sentence. I totally know what you mean. People who don’t understand fertility, or just how to get pregnant, have no basis on telling us to relax. Of course Mr. MPB should know better!! I bet he regretted it right away.
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I am positive he regretted it right away, probably even before he finished the comment. And, since I lost my mind when he said it, I suspect he wont say it again. 🙂
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Ugh, men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Actually, we could live without them and I like to remind DH of that occasionally. But he certainly could not live without me! Haha. Anyway, I digress. I hope Mr. MPB learned his lesson! In his defense, he’s probably really sorry. 🙂
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You are so right, can’t live with them, and don’t want to live without them most of the time. Seriously, who would fix my electronics when they aren’t working? 🙂
Since I become completely unhinged, like a crazy person, when he said it, I suspect he has learned his lesson and wont make that mistake again. 🙂
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I totally understand your frustration with this phrase. Though I’m also type A, I don’t have as much of an aversion to this phrase as you do! Though when we’re arguing, it does make me mad when he says that. I hope you and hubby can resolve your argument soon!
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Thanks for understanding Amy. The argument is resolved, with the simple decision that adoption is ridiculous. 🙂 There is nothing either one of us can do to fix the situation, we just have to accept it and get on with it.
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Oh nooooo, not Mr. MPB! I hate “just relax.” Empty words. And maybe relaxing looks different to different people. I love your responses to this stupid phrase, because they really point out just how unhelpful this particular pleasantry (if I can even call it that) is. Argh! I feel stressed just thinking about it! Love to you and Mr. MPG and hopes for smoothed out thyroid and disagreements.
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Ya, not Mr. MPB. He knows better. 🙂
I’m on my lower thyroid dose again, and I’m much more relaxed. But, I’m also exhausted now, and even had to have a nap today. I’ll give it a few days and see, maybe it’s just a coincidence, or maybe the dose need to be upped again, but not as much? I dunno.
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I was quite put off when someone tells me to relax about infertility. If they were not there, how do they know the answer. In other occasions, I am not as mad. I understand your frustration though. We all high exceptions of our spouse.
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Thank you for understanding. I think part of why this phrase annoys me is that I’ve been hearing it since I was a little kid so now it just drives me crazy.
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Very true. I really hate those words. Relaxing didn’t help me when I was trying and failing to conceive, in fact I conceived when I was stressed with work! Relaxing didn’t help when I was spotting and worrying about it, relaxing ad taking things easy didn’t stop me miscarrying. And relaxing now…I agree on punching the next person who says it.
It’s so trite and generic and cliché yet everyone who says it knows someone who miraculously conceived just by relaxing: sure it wasn’t rampant shagging/ ovulation sticks/mapping pressed?- no relaxing, okay. Or perhaps that’s just everyone who said ‘relax’ to me.
It must feel so much worse and personal when it’s your husband, even though they don’t mean it in the same way 😦
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I am so sorry that you understand exactly what I mean! And you are right, it seems like everyone knows someone who conceived once they “relaxed” although in all likelihood it was just relaxing that did the trick! It’s so frustrating!
And you’re right, Mr. MPB didn’t mean it in the same way, but I took it that way. I think he was literally trying to get me to calm down as I was so upset in that moment, but of course my mind took it to mean everything I hate.
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Frustrating, definitely, and I think (for me personally) it makes me a bit resentful sometimes- especially when those people have no clue of how hard it can be to get pregnant and then carry the pregnancy through to a great finish.
I think you expect more from your partner; since they’ve stressed, frustrated and grieving too you look upon them to be a rock with you and always say the right thing. Unfortunately, just like anyone else, they suffer from idiot foot-in-mouth syndrome.
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I guess we all suffer from idiot foot-in-mouth syndrome from time to time! 🙂
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