Did I Actually Write That?!
In yesterday’s post I complained. I actually complained that we are fortunate enough to be able to afford specialized out of country medical treatment and international adoption.
Holy, shit, I cannot believe I complained about that.
The whole post was motivated because I’m generally frustrated with the costs associated with infertility and adoption, which I think almost everyone can relate to. And in fact the comments I received clearly indicate that people can and do relate.
But the reason I cannot believe I complained like that is that the actual driver of that post was the fact that we have cancelled a trip due to stretching ourselves too thin with the cost of international adoption. I complained because I’m mad that we cannot take a month off work and travel – seriously, who complains about that!? And even more I cannot believe I wrote it and shared it. I feel like a horribly ungrateful person, and I pride myself on not being a decent person not a horribly ungrateful person.
Honestly, when I re-read yesterday’s post, for the first time ever I wanted to delete something I had written and shared. As a blogger who shares about many intimately personal topics including my family struggles, our miscarriages, our adoption, my happiness search, my desire to be positive in the face of significant life challenges, etc., this is the first time I have ever questioned sharing something. Honestly, part of me wants to push delete and pretend that I hadn’t given those thoughts the light of day in my own mind, let alone shared them with the world.
Clearly, I could have written yesterday’s post in a much less whiny way, unfortunately I didn’t and that’s now part of my written history. What is done is done. And while I’m horribly embarrassed by my complaining and whining yesterday, after much thought I have decided not to delete 
the post. I think there is a place for the conversation about the cost of infertility and adoption and the things we give up to try build our families. Heck, I think it’s a critical conversation to have with society at large. I probably should have focused on writing more about how the costs we face to build our families the non traditional way change how many of us live on a daily basis. Some of us are borrowing money from our family to afford IVF treatment; some are using online fundraisers to help pay the bills; some are using credit; and, some are working full time at jobs they hate to get by and some simply are not proceeding because they cannot afford it. While our family building decisions shouldn’t come down to the cost, the reality is that our availability of money is one of the largest hurdles that most people face. And regardless of exactly how we are affording our exact situation, the fact is many of us are stretching ourselves so thin that we are no longer able to live our versions of normal.
Ultimately, I should be focusing on the fact that we are fortunate to be able to afford all of our bills (so far). Yes, we are giving up a vacation, but as Mr. MPB said, Alaska and Northern Canada aren’t going anywhere so we can keep dreaming. And, as BattleFish suggested, we can now plan the trip for when our children are old enough to enjoy it with us. While I am still a bit disappointed, both of these facts are so incredibly true.
So, today I am going am going to take a hint from Empty Arms, Full Hearts who is inspiring me daily as she counts her blessings. Today, I am going to focus on the fact that I am grateful that we are not giving up our daily food or the roof over our heads.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
Honestly, I don’t think you should feel one bit bad or guilty about what you wrote yesterday. You have endured more than I can ever imagine and if there’s anyone I know that deserves a month off to relax…it’s you and Mr. MPB! I totally get it…I should be taking a month off this summer, but it’s looking like it’s just going to be the 2 weeks for our actual road trip and it just sucks that it may not happen…and I need to decide soon because I’ve got to give the parents plenty of heads up if I’m taking the full month off. Please don’t feel bad about what you wrote…you rarely complain and whine. You are seriously one the strongest people I know and it’s totally okay to be pissed that you can’t take your vacation. And it’s totally okay to state it! Sending you lots of love!
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I hate that you too may not be taking your full vacation! I hate that we are giving up these “normal” things to be able to afford a non-normal way to parenthood! I know, I absolutely know it will be worth it, but it still seriously sucks right now!
But, I also have to thank you for giving me the space to have my bad days, and to complain and whine about what should be a trivial thing in life. Maybe this just isn’t a side of me that I’m very proud of? But, thank you for accepting this side of me and encouraging me along.
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I completely agree with everything that ourgreatestdesire wrote above…its basically what I was going to write, but she beat me to it! Yeah maybe you could have complained “differently” or from a different perspective…but you wrote from raw emotion and honesty and I think that’s important. You shouldn’t feel ashamed about any of it. You’ve given up so much already and been through so much, it’s not selfish for you to want to do something for pure pleasure, and not for medical reasons. I’m glad you didn’t delete it 🙂
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Thank you so very much Amy! Upon even more reflection I think I am just reeling about how ungrateful I was feeling yesterday – I am so fortunate in so many ways, but take away my vacation and I’m guess I’m going to pout! And I guess I just need to accept that this complaining side of my personality exists and is very much a part of me and most people.
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We all have those posts I think. No worries!
Cost is so huge! It is certainly a deciding factor for many that need to have a family any way other than the norm. I know for us, anything beyond some blood work and oral medication to treat my infertility issues was out of the question.
I was really angry when I discovered that not only will our insurance not pay for any treatment, monitoring or even diagnostics related to infertility, but what we paid for out of pocket doesn’t count toward our out-of-pocket deductible. As for adoption, it was obviously even much more out of our reach.
It’s frustrating knowing that people that really want a family may not be able to have one because of money, while Suzie-so-and-so who is lamenting her unplanned pregnancy and low income can become a mother without paying much of anything because of governmental assistance programs. I don’t begrudge Suzie her baby or the help given her, but I don’t understand why more isn’t done to help people form families that need to take a non-traditional route.
Soap box over. Hugs!
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I love your soap box!! Please feel free to jump back on it anytime!
I’m with you, I don’t begrudge suzie and her baby, but honestly, I would love if someone could pick up the cost of our adoption! But alas, that’s just not how the world works.
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No it certainly doesn’t…but maybe it should. 😉
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I don’t think anyone saw that as whiny or complaining – you acknowledged what many of us feel. When I was working, we never went on vacation because I used all of my sick and vacation days for IVF procedures or surgeries to fix my reproductive issues – it sucked. Am I lucky that I had a job that have me vacation days? Of course, but there was still a sucky part. I think planning the trip for when your kids are older is a great idea. I so hope that this adoption works out well for you two. Hugs
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Thank you so much for your words – while none of you may have thought I was being ungrateful, I sure felt that way! But comments like this really help me see that it’s okay to complain about my hardships, even if my hardships probably look easy to others (if that makes sense).
Thank you again!
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I thought the post was super relatable and not at all ungrateful. We are human- you are sacrificing a lot and earn the right to share your emotions- good or bad. I say cut yourself a break here. Xoxo
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Thanks so much Mamajo! I guess its not often I throw a temper-tantrum because I want something and I want it now and I should probably show myself just a little bit more grace! 🙂
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I appreciated your honesty in your last post and don’t think you should feel guilty but I understand. I feel guilty after a blog rant too sometimes. But the beauty of a blog is that that is what it’s there for, otherwise what’s the point? We’re all just doing the best that we can. xx
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I’m glad you understand why I feel guilty! You are right, this is the purpose of a blog, and I also made the decision to share the good and the BAD, so if this is the bad then at least I’m being honest about it. 🙂
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have those days. What’s important is you used your feelings from yesterday to build even more gratitude for the current life you have.
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Thanks so much for accepting my bad, complaining days, and encouraging me along!! You really are an amazing person and I’m thrilled to know you. 🙂
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Hey there I’ve been following along a while but have never commented before. Do not feel guilty about what you wrote! Seriously, the costs associated with infertilty treatments and adoption are so obscene. We have spent upwards of $40,000 in a year and a half and when I dare complain about it people look at me like I’m some heartless person. People say, well at least you can afford it. What does that mean? We can all afford things or figure out ways tp pay for them but it will always be at the expense of other things. And all the money spent is that much less you will have to spend on your child once they get here. That’s a year of college! And in our situation, spending it and having no baby to show for it is just beyond frustrating. I feel you girl! Don’t apologize for your feelings cause I’m right there with you.
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Thanks so much for commenting!! I love “meeting” new people on my blog!
And thank you for understanding and sharing your experience – I am sorry you have spent so much and are still without your child.
It’s hard to believe how much all of this costs! And you are right, that $40,000 was meant for your future children and now when you finally do get your dream child, that $40,000 is gone and no longer available for their futures. Yes, if we are frugal we will probably make that money back with time, but honestly, it’s been hard to get that money the first time and will be hard to save that money again in the future – likely we will be saving for years to make up for this regardless of the outcome. It’s so frustrating and so unfair!
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I knew where you were coming from, and identified with a lot of what you were saying. The financial stress of TTCing and adopting has caused you to have to hold back on some of the other things that you want to do. Because it’s gone on as long as it has, and as expensive as it has, it is a hard hit, no matter what you financial situation you come from. I think that you laying out your general approach to finances helped to explain that you two have been super financially responsible, which is why you’re surprised that you have to cancel your trip now- because it’s reached THAT LEVEL of financial commitment. The bright side of all of this is that you will end up with a baby. That’s all that matters. And then you can do family trips together.
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As always thanks so much for understanding and for just getting it! I know you and DW are similar to us in your frugal approach to life, and maybe that’s part of why I’m feeling so crappy about cancelling our trip – we work hard, we play hard. Now we cannot afford to play hard – and the financial side of all of this is catching up to us.
And thank you for reminding me about the bright side – I will focusing on that for the rest of the night!
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Ha ha ha – welcome back! I figured you were having a bad day… 🙂 Although I was also very conscious of the irony – such huge cost to adopt, yet so many children all over the world needing homes, protection, basic care … it’s out of whack, for sure! Anyway, I’m glad you didn’t delete the post. One of the things I appreciate about you – and one of the reasons I keep reading, even though your story doesn’t in any way match my own life experience – is that you are open about who you are and what’s happening in your head. Cyber friendships can be real, but you MUST keep them *real*. And I was never a big fan of Pollyanna.
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Yup, it was absolutely a bad day of simply feeling sorry for myself! Honestly, when I reread that post I just felt like a whining spoiled little brat – not my ideal persona and one I didn’t really mean to share with the world!
But, as you say, it’s real. These emotions are real, even when they aren’t the prettiest of emotions! But, my goal with this blog is to be honest in the good and the bad, which is precisely why I chose not to delete it.
P.S. I love that you are reading, commenting and supporting! And I love that we have our wonderful cyber friendship!
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I’m enjoying the growth of this friendship too… 🙂 And … may I make a suggestion? (Not going to wait for a response; just jumping in here!) If you’d planned to take a month off to visit Alaska as a sort of last chance trip before the baby comes, wouldn’t it be a good time to plan a bunch of things-to-do-closer-to-home that will be harder when you have a child? I know, there are always babysitters, but finding a good one can be a challenge and it’s just not the same as up and going out, without any worries. And camping is a LOT less fun with an infant! Not impossible, but ugh, all the stuff you have to carry, and packing out a load of dirty diapers … not my idea of fun! Infants and toddlers also don’t add much to the joy of a visit to the theater, or a fancy restaurant. So enjoy those things while you can still do so empty-handed!
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Oh, you so sound like Mr. MPB! Are you two talking to each other behind my back? 🙂
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So glad my little suggestions support where you’re at as a couple … 🙂
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Oh no, it supports where he is at. I still want my road trip. hahaha! 🙂
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You should absolutely not feel ashamed of what you wrote yesterday! There are always going to be people who struggle more, but that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. Hell, I greatly dislike pregnancy (most days) and I’m freaking out about buying a house (totally) and I know there are loads of people who would kill to be in my shoes, but it’s my story, not theirs. No apologies for feelings. They are real no matter what anyone else has to say.
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First, thank you for sharing – I despise the pressure put on women who are pregnant after infertility to enjoy pregnancy. For me, pregnancy has only ever been rough (to say the least) and honestly you should be given the space to hate it and complain about it whenever you want, just like any other fertile women.
And, you make such a great point – my struggle is valid, even if there may even be some people who would kill to be in my shoes. And even if my struggle is not as bad as someone elses’.
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You are an AWESOME person. You are entitled to share your thoughts – good, bad, or otherwise and not be ashamed for feeling things. ❤ I am glad to have met you through this mad journey.
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Thank you so much for your kindness and your support and the reminder not to feel shame for how I feel. I too am so glad to have met you through this!
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Life holds out many opportunities for us to learn humility and other important lessons. Welcome to class. 😉
I actually didn’t remember the trip cancellation when I got to the end of your post. What struck me is how much we all sacrifice to bring children into our lives – by various means – while most people take that privilege for granted. We may have financial means for which we ought to be grateful but no one need be grateful for plain and unadulterated suffering that arrives at one’s doorstep without invitation and stays far past its welcome. You write about that too.
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It’s funny that you didn’t even notice the cancelled trip, when that’s what the whole post was caused by. I was so upset and annoyed that we have to give it up! I guess maybe part of my annoyance with that post is what is in my head and didn’t come through as clearly on paper/computer?
P.S. I cannot wait for the day that you get to take a family vacation! By the time you are done with this wild ride, you guys deserve the best family vacation ever!!
P.S.S. I want out of the advanced life lessons class.
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It wasn’t that I didn’t notice. I just didn’t see it as the central issue by the time I read the entire post. Internal filter! FWIW, I want out of the class too. 😉
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PS. No vacation for us for a long time either. I’m not happy about that but if this baby makes it s/he will have been worth unlimited vacations spent without him/her.
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Ah… this is why I love blogging (particularly the anonymous kind.) We can let it all out, even the not so pretty parts of ourselves. Even better, you can be not so pretty and still find acceptance.
This is the reason I chafe at the “First World Problems” meme. Though it can help put your struggles in perspective, it can also diminish very real frustrations. And it is OKAY to be frustrated. That isn’t complaining, as much as expressing basic human emotion.
And the nugget of your post is really interesting– the cost of infertility and adoption. There is a lot of talk about the emotional toll, but people are so wary to talk about the financial sides. Yes, you’re fortunate that you have access to the financial resources you have. Imagine what couples who don’t are up against? It starts opening up a larger conversation about class, economics, and the role that they play in the act of creating life. All these things make people sooooo uncomfortable.
Okay, I went a little meta on you, which isn’t probably not what you had in mind. Regardless, I think you’re doing us all a service by bring this up.
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First thank you so much for understanding my complaining. And for putting it in perspective that even though we are fortunate in many ways, I still can complain when something isn’t going the way I want it to!
You also make such a great point in this comment – the disparity in financial resources, and the implications for couples who cannot afford ART. And you also make a point about adoption that recently I have been really struggling with – adoption is very much about income and class and privilege. I’m working on writing something about the adoption side of this, but it’s such an overwhelming topic I haven’t been able to get my thoughts out yet. Heck, I think part of me is going to be really upset that we are contributing to this system.
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Lots of weird guilt comes with infertility, right? Suddenly, you feel guilty because you’re bummed you don’t get to take a vacation. What is that‽ ANYONE would be bummed at vacay plans getting cancelled! But because of what you guys are dealing with, you feel both bummed AND guilty for feeling bummed. The whole situation stinks!
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You are so right, the whole situation sucks! I want my vacation and I want to just have my future child appear before us without mortgaging our lives away to do it! Clearly, life isn’t going to give me what I want, but up until now at least we had been able to do a few things that we really wanted to do. Arg, now I’m ranting again!
Thanks so much for your understanding.
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I think you explained it perfectly: “many of us are stretching ourselves so thin that we are no longer able to live our versions of normal.” We are currently (for 3 years) going through family court to make permanent our primary custody of my stepdaughter. A different situation, but probably many of the same fears and emotions regarding stress and money. Court and lawyers are expensive, but it is an absolutely necessary thing, so what choice do you have? We’ve cut back on extras and vacations, which is disappointing, but hopefully in the long run, it will just be a blip in our family story– I wish the same for you!
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Thank you for sharing how the costs of this stuff isn’t limited to infertility costs and adoption costs! I think your experience, while different, is so incredibly valid! I hate that you are spending money on lawyers to accomplish something that needs to be done. But somehow our society is accepting of these costs, which make the parents who need the money broke, and the lawyers who are running the system wealthy. Something just isn’t right here!
Thanks for your wish, I too hope that this is just a blip in both of our family stories.
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It never occurred to me to have any thoughts but good ones reading your last post. I haven’t read the comments s d I don’t think I’m going to because I don’t quite buy in to the “count your blessings” advice. I certainly think gratitude is such a worthy trait and helps us all process our grief, but gratitude is something we learn to incorporate ourselves. We mix it in with what we are frustrated with. For example, I am so grateful I had the privilege and opportunity to e patience pregnancy, but I can still complain about how my only baby died or how the joyful experience was robbed learning she had life limiting condition. I can be grateful about having s loving partner, stable finances, supportive work but I still get to have my other feelings too! And so do you! You can TOTALLY be upset that this long wanted vacation is off the books right now! Geez, you suffered so much loss and are now pouring all your hard earned finances into the hopes of adoption. You have totally earned the right to complain if you want! I’ll listen 🙂
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Awe, thanks so much for your understanding!! You are right, I do have the right to complain about the financial side of all of this, If nothing else it’s just another stress and frustration that we face. And I really should work on accepting that it’s okay to feel this way.
Also, as you haven’t read the comments from yesterday I feel the need to point out that all the comments I received yesterday were loving and supportive – not one word about me being horrible for complaining and whining. Focusing on the whining and complaining was all me! 🙂
Thank you again!
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First, you should not feel bad or guilty about your post. At all. You weren’t being ungrateful, you were simply venting about something that is incredibly unfair in the TTC/RPL world. And rightfully so – it’s your blog, your rules and it should be a judgment-free zone. You certainly get no judgment from me! And finally, awww…thanks for saying that I am inspiring you! I don’t always feel very inspiring and I’m trying to count my blessings to keep myself focused on the positive, but I’m so glad to know it’s helping you as well!
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You are absolutely inspiring me and helping me everyday through your blog! I love reading about the simple blessings in your life – I think it’s great that you are spending time thinking about the positives and sharing them with me (and everyone else too).
And thank you very much for your support, and for affirming that I can complain from time to time.
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