Our Approach to the Home Study
We have made a decision on how to approach our home study.
We will be ourselves through and through. For better or worse.
This means:
- We will not be cleaning our house beyond what we normally do. We will probably make an effort to make our bed that day, but that’s about it. I have no intention of cleaning our storage room or our garage. I will not be re-folding clothing in our closet. I will not be cleaning the inside of our cupboards. And, I can guarantee that Mr. MPB will not be cleaning either.
- We will not do anything different with our dog then we would if we were having friends over for dinner. No Benadryl (although I thought it was a great ide) and no crate. She is a well behaved dog, so we are going to let he be herself. If she acts up we will put her in the other room, just like we would if we had friends or family over.
- We will be honest about anything she asks – no lying from us, which is probably best because neither of us are good liars and the social worker would probably see straight through us. We will talk openly about my mom and sister, our recurrent pregnancy loss, our decision to adopt, why we have virtually no children things in our house and the social worker can hear all about our sex lives if they decide to ask. Yes, some things might be awkward (i.e. discussing our sex lives with a perfect stranger), and some things may be hard and emotional (i.e. our baby losses). But I also suspect some things will be fun to discuss, like why we love each other and why we’ve chose to spend our lives together. We will be honest and open.
Ultimately we believe that they will like us. But either way, we will not try to influence the outcome any more then we can by just being ourselves. And therefore, they will either approve us or they will not and we will live with the outcome.
We’ve made the decision that we’d prefer to be approved for who we are, rather than for who we think they want us to be.
So, we will be ourselves and see where the cards land.
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You are really brave, and i”m so proud of you for thinking like this! Might sound odd coming from a stranger, but i totally understand the scrutiny when trying to adopt. After all of my losses, we decided not to go for adoption, mostly bc we wanted our quest to end, but also bc i didn’t want to go through interviews, the waiting period, etc. I accepted that my life was what it was meant to be. Kudos to you and your husband for being true to yourselves and letting fate decide. Best wishes!
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While some days i am frustrated by the adoption process, I really do get the scrutiny to adopt and wouldn’t have it any other way because at the end of the day, the innocent children involved deserve to be placed in a safe homes!
I hear you about the wanting our quest to end, and not wanting to go through the interviews and waiting and potential failed adoption. When we were deciding to adopt, we talked this through and through, and while our final decision is different then yours, I 100% appreciate why you chose not to pursue adoption.
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This is the same approach I took with my own home study. I wanted my adoption worker to know me and my everyday life NOT a facade. It wouldn’t do my future child any good to pretend to be someone I’m not. My kitties roamed free although I did my best to keep them away from my worker since she is allergic & I took special care to make sure one chair was deep cleaned before each visit for her comfort. I cleaned & tidied. I did do some purging because I needed to and this was good motivation. It was something I wanted to do before a match anyway so might as well start now. I didn’t berate myself for not finishing my purging or on a day I forgot to put a glass in the dishwasher. Yes… that’s the other thing important to remember. The home study is a process and not just one visit. Marathon, not a sprint.
I was as open as I possibly could be with my worker about my life & personal history.
In the end my home study was approved. And I feel like I have a strong partner & advocate in my worker when looking at potential matches.
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It sounds like we are taking the same approach you did. I made Mr. MPB help me move some furniture in our basement because I wanted it moved and this is good motivation, but that was really it. Otherwise, just like you, we are going into it with the intent of being ourselves – the good and the not so good. 🙂
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I think this is such a great approach. Kudos to you and Mr. MPB for letting go of the notion that you have to try to be the “perfect” candidates for adoption. Being yourselves and letting the social worker have a glimpse into your past, your hopes, and your love for each other will be more valuable than any amount of deep cleaning and “perfection” ever could be. Good luck to you!
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That’s exactly what we decided – rather then spending weeks stressing about everything being perfect, we can just let go and enjoy the conversations.
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I think that your approach is the best way to go about it. You guys will make amazing parents and I’m sure that they will see that
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Thanks so much! We decided that being us really is the best approach for us. I get that others may clean more or prepare more, but we decided we feel pretty prepared to be ourselves. 🙂
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You go girl! That sounds like the perfect approach to me.
One question, though — why might they ask about your sex life? Can they really do that?
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We think being just us is probably the easiest approach, so hopefully it works out for us. 🙂
As for sex life questions, I’m positive they will come up. In fact, I’ve been told it will and it already has in the paperwork we filled out months ago. I think they are mainly looking to ensure that we are in a consensual relationship, and that neither of us have ever experienced any sort of sexual abuse or forced sexual contact.
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This sounds like a great way to approach the home study. It is honest, genuine, and realistic. I understand how other people might put a little more effort into cleaning, sedate their dog, whatever, and I don’t think that it’s wrong to do those things, but I think that maybe you two have your shit together a bit more that you’re presentable in your present state. I am sure that you two will impress them just as you are, just as you have impressed us through your blog, even in your darkest moments, nothing sugar-coated, just real.
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I completely agree that some people may choose to do more in preparation for their home study – in fact, I suspect most people will do more then we have done. But, as you say, we are pretty presentable people so we really aren’t that worried about it. 🙂
As always, thanks for your encouragement!
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I can tell just by getting to know you virtually that anyone and everyone will love you guys. Xo
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Awe, thanks so much for your kind words mamajo! I sure hope we are just as likeable in real life. 🙂
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No need to be anything but yourselves. Hoping for things to go smoothly! Best of luck!
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Thanks so much! We are pretty optimistic that things will go well – we are pretty normal people. 🙂
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I love this! No need to “put on a show!” Perfect!
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Exactly! The show will just be us, good and bad. 🙂
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Good for you! And I think this is a wise decision. If you’re doing what you do and being who you are naturally, you will have eliminated a huge potential stress factor. You’re not trying to guess at the “right” answers; you’re simply giving truth. You are so open in the way you write here that I feel I “know” you well enough to be able to say, with complete confidence, that you have NO reason to be anxious. And, realistically, this person is coming to see whether your home would welcome a child, right? So, ja, it has to be clean – but if it’s too dang perfect, they might think you wouldn’t be able to cope with the chaos and mess generated by a child.
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That’s exactly what we figure! Our house is normally pretty clean, to the point that it’s very evident kids do not live here, and I suspect that question may come up. (I already know there will be days that I’ll miss my clean, bright coloured plastic-toy free house, but yet I am so excited to have the chaos of a child in our lives).
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I love your approach to this, and honestly I think that’s how everyone should approach it. We all love you here, so I think you will be just fine. 🙂
PS~ it made me laugh when you said you might make your bed that day, because that means you normally don’t…I thought we were the only ones that leave the bed a mess lol!!
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Haha! You are right, we normally do not make our bed. In fact, it’s pretty rare that we do. 🙂
And I love you too!
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We make our bed when: we change the sheets, if the house is for sale (which let’s be honest, how often is that!?!?), or if someone new is coming over that we know will want to see the house. Aaaaaaaaand that’s it lol!!
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We are the exact same way!
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I think that’s the best approach! If it makes you feel any better, it is rare for an approval not to go through unless there’s a felony or an illness that would make your life expectancy shorter than normal. 🙂
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That’s exactly what we’ve been told too. Once you are committed to the process, almost everyone gets approved and survives all the bumps along the way. 🙂
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I think this is a great approach… You ahould be able to be yourselvesxx
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It seems like the best plan we could think of – we are both really practiced at being ourselves. 🙂
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I’m so chuffed that your home visit went well… It must feel good to be making forward progress…. Another rung up the ladder, another step closer to your goal!!
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Thanks so much for you excitement! Forward progress is pretty freaking amazing! We are happy to step one more rung up the ladder.
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I love this approach! There is absolutely no need for you to be anyone other than yourselves. This will put less pressure on you as well 🙂 xo
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You make a good point – less pressure is a good thing!
I’m really only good at being me, so I might as well stick with it. 🙂
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Great idea–being yourself is who you’d be with your new family, so that’s exactly who the social worker should see! We have been told to be open and honest but not to volunteer more information than what’s asked, which is going to be hard for me. I tend to vomit everything out there. If it makes you feel more at peace, a friend told me that she knew someone who adopted three times. At the first home study, she had the house spotless and was super nervous and had arranged everything just so. By the third one she had a toddler running around half naked screaming, a baby wailing in her arms, macaroni and cheese on the stove, and everything was the furthest thing from neat-and-tidy-perfectland. But it was real, and it went fabulously well. Your social worker is going to love you guys and see you for the amazing parents-to-be that you are. Good luck to you as you enter this stage of the game!
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I completely understand the challenge of not volunteering more then what’s asked – I’m a talker, and I love to share! But, like your friend’s experience, we’d rather be real. Since I don’t have kids running around, ours will likely be calmer, but it will very much just be us. 🙂
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Go you.
I find myself reading your blog with a fine-tooth comb now that we are investing in adoption as well now. I think your approach is very admirable. And I’m sure they will love you all the more for the reality of your lives.
PS – When did you decide to tell your family that you two chose adoption? We have decided to wait to tell them until our profile is ready, but as you know this is a super-long process, so I am just curious.
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I hope anything I share helps you out! If you ever have any questions you can always email me too – myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com.
We told our references really early as that was the first piece of paperwork we had to submit, but we asked them to keep the information private until we were ready to tell everyone else. We decided to tell everyone once we were 100% committed (i.e. paid some the first substantial set of fees, attended the mandatory seminar, etc.) – about 1.5 months after our references. I know some people don’t tell everyone until they are formally approved, but we decided to tell before then because we are pretty confident we will get approved, we didn’t want to keep a secrete and it was also Christmas which seemed like a fun time to tell people face-to-face.
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I love this post! ❤ You are awesome!
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Awe, thanks so much! 🙂
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When we had our home visit for foster care ( it’s all the same thing really) we decided that we were just gonna be outselves. Callie and I are weird with a twisted sense of humor, but we ar affectionate and loving, and we werent going to hide that from anyone. Same as you, we didn’t do any extra cleaning (with my OCD our house is always tidy), and we had a kids room set up with a toddler bed and crib on standby with just a few toys because we wanted whatever kids we got to make the space their own. And they did ask us questions that made us uncomfortable for sure, but because of our honesty and according to our resource worker “the visible physical and emotional connection” between the two of us, she knew that children would be very loved and welcome in our home, and I have to say, we have yet to disappoint! So we wish you all the best, and hopefully the worker will see that you both are loving and kind and ready…very ready…
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love that you chose the same route as us – just being yourselves. And I love that being yourselves also meant that you were able to show your social worker exactly what you were like, and she loved you guys for you! What a testament to each of you independently, your love and your relationship.
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