Understanding the Emotions Behind It Was Supposed to Be Us

  Posted on February 9, 2015 By

 108 Comments

I am searching to understand my recent reaction to the news that Mr. MPB’s younger brother and his wife are expecting. I took it pretty hard and I am still reeling with a million emotions. I’ve decided that if I can understand my strong emotional response I’ll probably be better able to accept the emotions and start to move on.

So, based on this I’ve spent a few days thinking about (and talking Mr. MPB’s ear off) trying to dissect my emotional response.   And, I think I’ve started to figure out a large part of where the hurt is coming from:

When the announced their pregnancy they showed us absolutely no compassion. In fact, some would say they were downright mean.

Of everyone we know, these two people knew better. Here is my list of why they knew better:

  1. It is one thing for someone to hurt us with a pregnancy announcement when they don’t know the intimate details of our struggles, but they knew. And their knowledge means that they should have been more compassionate and a little less self-centered. They have known about our struggles from the very start. They are the only ones who knew we were trying, and knew about our 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 loss as they happened. They knew about our decision to terminate for medical reasons. They know our decision to adopt has not been made lightly. Hell, they are so intimately aware of everything that we trusted them as an were an adoption reference for us and are currently listed in our wills as the legal guardians for our future children.
  2. They told us the same night they told the rest of the family. There was no heads up.  I’m not asking for intimate details, but a heads up would have been nice.  They could have said we are starting to try. Or we are 6 weeks, or 8 weeks, or 10 weeks pregnant.  Instead we just got a 12 weeks pregnancy announcement stating that they are so excited and we are telling everyone tonight! They gave us absolutely no time to catch our breath and brace ourselves for the forced happiness from everyone else.
  3. They wanted to tell us face to face via skype. This is actually how we knew the news was coming – they have never asked to talk with us via skype before. We had to create a safe space for us to receive the news – they did not even think about how hard their news might be for us and wanted to force a face to face interaction. We had to claim that we were having problems with skype so that we could receive the news without being forced to visibly act happy. We had to protect ourselves.  Seriously, on what planet is that an appropriate way to tell us??! To think we would be overcome by joy is simply delusional and in fact as soon as they told Mr. MPB on the phone I broke into tears because we will never know the happiness that they are able to experience.
  4. One of them is a family physician trained to understand the effects of miscarriages and infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Did they just forget the lessons in compassion??
  5. They didn’t even have the compassion to say, I’m not sure how to tell you this, and I’m sure it will be hard to hear, but we are pregnant. Nope. Nada. It was simply we are so excited to tell you that we are pregnant and due in August. And then they proceeded to tell us all about the awesomeness of their pregnancy and how they are going to prepare their nursery.
  6. For over 2 years now we have turned to them for support. We have shared our lives with them. We have confided in them on the deepest level, and they chose not to tell us anything. Clearly it is not a reciprocal relationship, and our trust and confidence in them is now shattered.  And, the hurt I feel as a result is immeasurable.

So while I’m sad that we will not have the first grandchild, today I realize that my sadness is outweighed by the hurt I am feeling.

Yes they deserve to be happy, and quite frankly they should be.  But, we also deserve compassion and love from these individuals. Simply, I am hurt that they showed us no compassion. And I’m not prepared to make any excuses for them, they knew about our situation and they chose not to be sensitive.  And what makes this hurt worse, is out of everyone in our lives, we never expected this from them. Being hurt by them just makes the sting that much harder.

Lately I’ve been writing about our independence, and I’ve been wondering if it’s a good thing. But you know what, as I sit here digesting the extreme hurt we are feeling due to their actions, I am reminded about why we choose to live where we do and lead our lives so independently. After years of working to bring down the wall and let them in, I have built the wall back up even higher in the span of just a few days.  I am tired of being hurt.

I am so sick of opening ourselves up to them and constantly being hurt.  Asking for simple compassion shouldn’t be too much to ask for. We have so many compassionate and loving friends in-real-life and in the blogging world, so we know without a doubt that compassion exists in this world.

I am sick of making excuses for our family member’s decision to act selfishly and cruelly. Today, I realize that I am more hurt by their complete lack of compassion towards us then by anything else.

So, with this, I am picking myself back up and I am also making another promise to myself:

I am no longer wasting my time on those who choose to hurt me.

I deserve better, and from here on out I will demand better.

So, while I never thought I’d quote Katy Perry, today I will end with a quote from By The Grace Of God:

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

…
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved

…

Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

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108 Comments on “Understanding the Emotions Behind It Was Supposed to Be Us”

  1. WOW. I am beyond fuming for you. How utterly disgusting and heartless of them, how dare they! I am so sorry friend, that you two have been so thoughtlessly betrayed like this from two people who really should know better in their handling of you guys. Sending you love.

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  2. You don’t know me, but I just wanted to say that I understand your feelings wholeheartedly. I really do. An insensitive announcement is tantamount to a betrayal. Weren’t you there? Didn’t you hear us?

    I’ve been through a very similar situation. We were very open about our losses with my husband’s twin and his wife as they happened and after our third miscarriage a few years ago, they were honestly devastated for us. A month or so later, her first pregnancy was announced. They did this sensitively with us when she’d only just got her BFP and I tried to be happy but it was difficult. I was still very sad for them when she miscarried at 6 weeks, but (horrible admission here) touched when my brother-in-law sobbed that he didn’t know how we’d survived going through this three times. So I thought he got it. That out of his family who say insenstive things to us all the time, they really GOT IT. But then, not even five months later, out of the blue I got a picture-message of a 12 week scan from him with the message ‘hello auntie & uncle – can’t wait to meet you!’. It was honestly physical: like I’d been kicked in the stomach. I was utterly floored. Like now their sadness was over, so was ours. Like now they’d managed to conceive again and make it to the 12 week mark, all pain was forgotten. I went to bed and stayed there and I cried and I cried for days. Because I genuinely thought that he had got it.

    Like you, I wanted us to be first to have the baby – we’d been trying then for three years so it was our time, wasn’t it? And that going up in smoke stung. But the thing that stung the most was the reaisation that while we’d thought we had partners on the road, we’d actually been on our own all along.

    It won’t make any of this go away, but I want you to know that you’re not alone in your reaction and you’re not alone in your pain. I feel it and I understand it. Huge hugs and strength XX

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    • I am so sorry that your family did that to you too! I am in shock that someone who actually experienced a miscarriage would be so insensitive, especially after they had been so sensitive the first time.
      I think you are right, the hurt we are dealing with right now is the realization that they clearly haven’t been listening or understanding, when we thought they were. In so many ways it feels like a betrayal, and I just cannot wrap my mind around all of it right now, and I’m stuck in the place of wondering who we’ve been confiding in for so long.
      Thank you for understanding and for reminding me that i am not alone in this. I so appreciate it, and am wishing you the best as well.

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  3. Do they think that because you’re trying to adopt your whole history magically disappears? That it doesn’t still hurt? I can’t believe they have the background that they do on you and IF in general and still came at it that way. Sending love and peace. You’re overdue for some good luck and happiness.

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    • I suspect they do believe that adoption has “fixed” us, but like you said, with their background this really isn’t the right response! Anyways, thanks so much for your well wishes – bring on some good luck and happiness! I could use a really good week or month or even year. Wishing you the same! 🙂

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  4. Wow. I don’t eve have words. The lack of compassion they showed you, knowing everything they know, and being specifically trained to supposedly deal with situations like this leaves me without words. I just can’t even begin to imagine a situation where anything short of being selfish, uncaring assholes would bring about the situation in the manner it occurred.

    I am so sorry. You both deserved better. They should of all people know better.

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    • Thanks so much for understanding Angela! Somehow it helps to know that my reaction to this makes sense to you too! And, I know my intense hurt is largely due to the fact that they of all people should have known better – just like you said!

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  5. They really should have handled that better – especially given they know about your entire history. Really, really short-sighted and unfeeling of them. I don’t know what else to say – you’re completely justified in being upset and hurt by their approach. Sometimes I fantasise about a life where no one knows we have ever miscarried. I think I like it better that way and if I were to start all over, I’d think very carefully about telling anyone anything. But we can’t know that at the time. We hurt and we reach out for support and it isn’t forthcoming, or appropriate, and that’s when you realise you’re on a path that others just don’t understand. I’m sorry, they should have been much kinder than that. X

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    • Thank you so much for understanding Rose. I too wonder what it would be like if no-one knew. We started that way, virtually no-one knew until we were well into our third loss, and it definitely had it’s bonuses. I’m guessing this is one of those situations where the grass is always greener on the other side?

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  6. It seems with their happiness and desire to share their news they experienced complete amnesia to and disregard for what you and Mr. MPB have been through. That’s inexcusable. I’m sorry that two of the very few real life people who know of your struggles betrayed and hurt you in this way. Hugs to you!

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    • You are so right, they seem to have experienced complete amnesia. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to talk to them about it and find out what they were really thinking.
      Thank you for your compassion and support! It means the world to me!!

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  7. Wow. I cannot believe their selfishness and insensitivity. They do not sound like very compassionate people. You said you will never know the happiness they know but I have a different perspective. I think people who are that selfish and lacking empathy truly do not feel things as deeply as someone who does ( both pain and joy). While you may never know the innocence and ease of their happiness- I am willing to bet you will one day experience a deeper level of joy. Your pain has carved deep gaps ready to be filled with joy. Thinking of you and hating this situation for you. Glad you have good friends around you.

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    • What a breathtakingly beautiful perspective. I suspect in many ways you are right, because of what we have been through we do feel things in a very different way, and likely more deeply. Funny enough, I was just talking to a friend today about how much more emotional I am today then I ever was in my life before our losses which I mostly just hate, but when I look at it through your eyes, being in touch with my emotions may have some very good long term benefits too! Thanks for helping open my eyes and heart to a new perspective. 🙂

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      • I can tell you from first hand experience that the pain brings deeper joy and forces you to really live ( through bad and good). Your sunshine is coming. Xo

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      • I completely agree with mamajo here. You can’t say this publicly, because it is extremely biased, but I have always felt like I experienced more joy, more gratitude, more excitement, more everything about being a mother because of everything we went through to get our kids. It has definitely leveled out now that my kids are growing up and becoming mouthy, but up to the age of 3 with Matthew, I was nothing but patient and reveling in everything he did… Even the naughty things. I always just felt so grateful for him (and now his brother). My sisters, who had no trouble conceiving our carrying babies, always say the infertility is the main source of my patience, so it’s not just me who thinks it. Ha!

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  8. Bloody hell, I’m shocked. If they didn’t know all that you’d been through so far, you could kind of make allowances for this, but as they do know, I really can’t comprehend it. I really don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry and good for you for protecting yourselves. It’s sad that it has to be that way, but I understand 100% xx

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    • Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement. I know I am going to struggle to set boundaries, but this has really helped me realize that I need to do a better job of protecting my heart.

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  9. Oh my goodness, this is so similar to what happened with my brother and sister in law. They knew everything we had been thru and then, out of the blue, they Facetimed us one night and stuck the positive pregnancy test in front of the camera! And expected us to be excited! I had to pretend to be ok and then get off the phone as quickly as possible. And, my parents were there with them. I was so mad at my mom, for letting them tell us in that manner. There were lots of days where I just called my mom and yelled about how awful it was and how it was her job to protect me. It sucked. I so understand the hurt you are feeling. I was so let down that the people closest to me wouldn’t for one second think about my feelings. And now, the babies will be here Thursday. And my brother has asked me to be at the hospital when they are born. I have no idea what I am going to do. Just please know that I am here for you and I get what you are going thru – I really get it. You are not alone.

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    • Oh, I would have lost it at a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound picture – you just made me extra grateful we didn’t skype with them!! I have no idea how you handled that!!! And I can see why you would have been upset with your mom for not intervening.
      I have no idea how you are going to get through the arrival of the baby. I’m not sure if you have decided to be at the hospital or not, but I do hope you know its okay to say no and to protect yourself too! Sending you strength to get through this week and remember you too are not alone.

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      • Thank you for your wonderful words of advice. I haven’t decided yet. I may not decide til I am in the car driving that morning and see if I drive to work or keep going to the hospital. I understand this will be the happiest day of his life and he wants the people he cares most about to be there. And I believe that I will love my nephews once they get here. So I guess if I go my love for my brother and my nephews is what will get me through. But I also have promised myself not to try and mask my feelings – which may mean a total meltdown in the waiting room. But that’s ok. And you’re right – if I don’t go I can’t feel bad for doing what I had to do to protect myself. It’s just an all around awful situation and I’m ready for it to be over.

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      • I hear you, it is an awful situation, and I too am so ready for it to be over!
        If I may, I also think you should give yourself permission to leave the waiting area if it becomes to hard for you. And, have you thought about telling your brother this so that he wont be hurt if you do leave or have a meltdown? (I probably couldn’t tell my brother that, but I thought I’d suggest it because it seems like a good idea)

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      • You’re right. I need to talk to him some more. And I will. Once I decide if it’s the “I’m coming but I’m gonna be a wreck” talk or the “I can’t come and I need you to understand why” talk.

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    • It is more than ok to not go to the hospital. I have never understood why people expect others (beyond grandparents) to be at the hospital as they deliver their babies… I find it very self-important and in this situation, so terribly insensitive. Being at the hospital, anticipating the arrival of a baby, is very personal and for some people (especially us infertile/RPL people), it’s something they want to experience for the first time when it’s THEIR baby and THEIR own pregnancy. I think that’s all you have to say… That you want to experience these types of emotions for the first time when it’s YOUR time.

      Good luck!

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  11. As someone on the other side of the fence, I can’t help but wonder if it has to do with the way you’ve handled announcing your intent to adopt. Haven’t you been careful to divorce that from your history of losses, and focus only on your excitement about adopting? I think that most people might take that at face value. If you aren’t candid about your grief, I’m not sure that it’s terribly fair to expect people to be ultra sensitive to it.

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    • I think you make a fair point Evie, and in almost every other circumstance I’d agree with you. Very few people know the road we took to decide that adoption is right for us, so I would agree, most people would take our excitement at face value and we absolutely cannot be hurt if they don’t magically see through the the layers of hurt that lie beneath.
      The reason I disagree about them, is that we’ve involved them is just like we’ve involved them in our losses, we also involved them in our decision to adopt from the very beginning – our decision to investigate, our hesitations to adopt, our fears about substance abuse, our very real fears about their family accepting an adopted child, etc. So, I do feel that they should have been more aware of our circumstances then most other people would.

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    • This is not being ultra sensitive. This is being human. These people know all about the history behind the decision to adopt and most definitely should have been careful with MPBs feelings. Even before I experienced extreme infertility, I watched people do this very thing to my own friends and relatives and wondered how they could be so insensitive.

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  12. Oh and I hope you are able to write them an email at some point explaining your emotions here. I think that if they are just plain selfish they should know the consequences and if they are just completely lacking awareness someone needs to open their eyes to the pain they caused. You can do it in a diplomatic way but I think it is worth doing. Their reaction to that will speak volumes and you can either try to repair the relationship or close the doors on it.

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  13. It boggles my mind that they didn’t even give you a heads up. Many people who have learned about their close relatives or friends’ fertility struggles would be mindful of how they announce their pregnancy. I have a few friends who are like that. They sent me emails ahead of time before they announced to the whole world. This whole thing does not have to be handled in such an insensitive way. Of course you are hurt. Way to go to protect yourselves. I find that to be true sometimes, that people feel that their pregnancy is the most important thing ever, that trumps all other things. You are so right that it would have been better if they had shown a little compassion. I am sorry friend, that you’re hurting. Love to you. ❤

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    • Thank you so much Isabelle! It’s amazing, those that have given us a heads up and been sympathetic are so special to us – their attempts to at least minorly understand our hurt has left such a lasting impact on us and therefore our friendship.
      It’s amazing how much of a positive difference a simple gesture makes to us! I wish more people would take the time to understand this and act with compassion.

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  14. Fact is…you can chose ur friends wisely but never family! Sorry you had to go thru this…but ppl can be quite self obsessed at times. If they cud visually see a scar everytime a pregnancy announcement caused then i am sure they wud do things differently. But sadly what hurts u at a deeper level is often lost. There is no better way to get over it….except giving it time. Consider it as an eye opener….do u really think they wud be the best guardians for ur future children! They may not be harmful ppl but certainly make no excuses to put their happiness first. Hope u feel better in the coming days….

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    • You make such a great point about them being the guardians of our future children – we’ve talked about that endlessly for the last few days.
      Funny, until now, we never had a doubt about having them as their guardians, and now we are both really giving this decision a second guess. We’ve decided to leave it for now because we don’t want to make such a big decision while feeling so emotional, and it’s expensive to update our wills so until we are closer to actually having children we will wait because it’s not a change we need to make today.
      Thank you so much for your thoughts and support!!

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  15. Awful … Just awful … No matter what stage of you’re journey you are at you deserved WAY more compassion, respect and understanding than you were given. Maybe before you pop the last brick in the wall you’re rebuilding you might want to let them know that although you’re happy you’re deeply hurt by their poor choices so far.

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    • I don’t know why, but it really helped me to understand why I was so upset by thinking through all of this. You are right, it was beyond insensitive because they knew so much!

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  17. I’m beginning to think the text messages and phone calls we’ve received as announcements were tactful compared to your in-law’s approach. Compassion – why are so many people in this world lacking it? 😦 Love that song btw… 🙂

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    • Compassion shouldn’t be something that people lack, I just don’t understand! I’m at a loss to understand it actually.
      But you make a great point, they just made every other pregnancy announcement we have ever received seem tactful!

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  18. At first, I was ready to talk you down from what I thought was probably an extreme response. Then I kept reading your post, and got progressively more horrified. HORR-I-FIED.

    Like I know you have, I’ve had to learn that some people don’t always “get it.” It can be so easy to be blinded by your own happiness, but I refuse to believe that this gives anyone a free pass on basic human compassion.

    It’s a hard day when you realize people you love can’t meet you where you are. I’m sorry this happened the way it did.

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    • Thanks so much for understanding. Like you, I was starting to think my emotions were a bit beyond where they should be, which is why I wrote this. I really needed to understand why I was so hurt by them, and you are so right when you say “its a hard day when you realize people you love can’t meet you where you are.” I expected them to, and now I am suffering because of that expectation.

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  19. You know I’m angry for you. Sadly, these people will not likely see the error of their ways. DW and I have suffered a lack of compassion from those close to us as well, and we have come to believe that there are at least two types of people in this regard: those of us who believe that our actions can negatively impact others (and act to be considerate to not do so), and those of us who believe that it is other people’s responsibility to handle and deal with their own reactions to things. I know this is overly simplistic, but from our experience, those of the latter predisposition tend to do what they want unapologetically because they lack compassion, EQ, and empathy. In fact, they don’t even realize they are hurting people because they are so self-involved that they are oblivious. My sister, BIL, and MIL are like this. When confronted about the ramifications of their actions, they tend to throw it back on us, saying that “we’re being too sensitive” or “we need to be less uptight”. I feel for you, because you will never get the “justice” that could right this wrong- they will never apologize. I agree that they were downright mean, especially since they wanted to Skype with you- why? So that they could see your sad and grieving faces? So that they could see the jealousy in your eyes? That is just awful. If they had any compassion for you, they would have handled it differently. Sorry to rant on so long, but I am so angry for you right now. Do what you need to do to detoxify your life of these people. I certainly have, leaving my family on the west coast.

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    • Your two categorizations of people are brilliant. BRILLIANT! My parents are of the, “only you can control your own reactions. It’s not my fault you’re offended by my blunt, rude, nasty comment.”. Because we were raised by those people, my sisters and I tend to be almost too sensitive to others feelings and how our actions impact them. Thank you for putting this so simply!

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      • It sounds like Courtney had the exact same reaction to this as me – your categorization of people is brilliant!
        I wish it weren’t so, but that is really irrelevant.
        Mama et Maman, I am inspired by the lessons you have learned and the self-care you have been able to practice. I cannot imagine it was easy to make the decision to put space between you and your family in order to protect yourself – this is clearly something I need to do. The question I’m currently grappling with is, how? And what is the appropriate level of separation? What is too much distance, and is there such a thing? I don’t actually expect answers to these questions, but since they are on my mind, I thought I’d share.

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  20. Wow. Im aghast. There are no words to explain how very upset i am for you
    I can only empathise with the way you are feeling, but not one of those emotions is wrong, you must be so very angry, hurt and betrayed
    Ugh it makes me so mad for you. Big hugs xx

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  21. The way those people acted is *stranger than fiction*. You’ve been transparent and they obviously are guarded and self-centered. Exceptionally strange and cold. You do deserve so much better! *hugs* XOXO

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    • You are right, it was exceptionally strange and cold! And I know that a large part of our hurt is because we simply didn’t expect this from them.
      We do deserve better – and so does anyone else who has ever experienced something similar.
      Thanks so much and hugs to you as well!

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  22. I believe it’s those that we love the most and consequently we expect the most from can inflict the most pain when they act with an utter lack of thought. I wish the world was different..but unless they have walked in your shoes, they will never ever know that vast well of pain. The poems came from that place of utter lack of understanding..years later, I did show them to various family members..they did apologise. But it doesn’t help for your here and now..blame it on hormones, blame it on being self-centred..ultimately they are still the people you know and love. But they dealt with this like poo..and the truth is…you never really forget.. xxx

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    • As always, you offer such amazing words of wisdom – thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever have the courage to share my writing with my family – maybe one day.

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  24. I am so sorry they chose such a thoughtless way of telling you this news. Honestly I do not understand how people who know make such incredibly poor choices, and you/we are expected to just smile and be happy for them. Last summer chose to tell me she was 10 weeks pregnant (knowing my story) after I told her I had just flown to Kansas bc my dad was on life support in the ICU. Literally I sent her a text telling her what was going on and she responded with a text telling me she was pregnant. Our friendship will never be the same. I still cannot believe how unbelievably self centered she was and how she could possibly find that an appropriate time to share that news.

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  25. I don’t blame you for being hurt hon. I would see the exact same way. I can’t believe they weren’t more compassionate and inclusive. It’s just not right. Good for you for putting you and your hubby first and not tolerating this. Huge hug ❤️

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    • Thanks so much for the encouragement sweetie! Just so you know, whenever you pop up for a comment you make me smile because I always assume that if you have time to read, then things must be going well with your little man. Love to you! 🙂

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      • 🙂 I have no time these days! But Archer is good! We had his 2 mth check up yesterday and other than feeling miserable after his vaccinations, he’s doing great. He’s in the 99th percentile for height and 53rd for weight 🙂 I’m going to try and write an update soon, but just wanted to say thank you again for the Amazon gift card. I just ordered the Moby Wrap with it. My SIL got me another sling but I can’t get the right position with it. I’ve heard great things about the Moby wrap so have decided to give it a try. I’m hoping I will be able to do more once my hands are free. So thank you!! Playing catchup on your blog now. Hope all is good with you! ❤️

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  26. Pregnancy announcements from those close to you are so hard and the pain brings an almost physical reaction to the news. I get it. All of us here get it, and I am constantly amazed at the lack of empathy and compassion that women in our circumstances receive. Deep breath – you will feel better soon x

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    • You are so right with every word! I was so upset I felt sick, and I too am always amazed at the lack of empathy and compassion that people seem to have. I simply do not understand it.
      While, I am still upset, I am starting to see a bit more sunshine around me. 🙂

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  27. I get wanting to understand your feelings. I also believe however that they don’t need justification. Your response about something so deeply personal and close to your heart can be as irrational as all get go. It simply is. I’m sorry your family has not been more mindful, compassionate and considerate. Family can be such jackasses.

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    • I think you are right, I probably don’t need justification for my feelings. But, I felt a strong need to understand why this has taken such a toll on me. I feel like I’ve been pushed back months in my “recovery” and I hate these emotions. I think if I could justify it for myself then I might be more accepting of the emotions?
      Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about your email – Mr. MPB and I have been discussing relentlessly which in this circumstance is a good thing – thank you. 🙂

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      • I think I’ve said before that grieving comes and gets processed organically and is not linear or finite. I don’t know if that’s what you mean by “recovery” but my sense of what you’re going through and what was triggered by the announcement is a new layer of grieving the loss of your fertility, the biological and or epigenetic connection to your future children and the dream of simply not having to face and make the choices you and Mr. MPB have had to do. Whether it was incited by thoughtless family behaviour now or something else later I suspect these emotions would have surfaced at some point because they are part of the deep and enduring loss you have faced and chosen to move forward from through adoption. You are wholly entitled to grieve as often or as infrequently, as much or as little, as stoically or as blubberingly as you need to on this journey. I don’t know that we ever stop grieving this kind of intimate loss and sorrow. And I think that’s okay. It’s hard, sure, but it is a testament to the love we hold in our souls and hearts for the children we wanted so much to hold but who, although our children yet, did not stay on this earth with us. Just my thoughts, take or leave them to the extent they make sense or help you make sense of it all. Warm hugs and much empathy to you and Mr. MPB.

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      • You always have such wise and thoughtful words! Always!
        I believe you are right, we will never stop grieving this type of intimate loss and sorrow, we will carry it around like a mostly silent scar for the rest of our days. And, clearly I am not good at accepting this fact, but it is something I need to do for my own long term well being.

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  29. Your post makes me so mad! Not at you, but at the insensitive ness of someone who should know better. I was in a very similar situation with my husbands sil and it sucks. There is a pain they will never understand. Hugs to you

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    • I never check my span folder, but I’m glad I did, for some reason this comment was filtered there!!
      Thank yous o much for your understanding!! You are right, a lot of this comes from the fact that they will never understand. Hugs to you as well.

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  30. I’m sorry that they were so cold and heartless in the way that they told you. I’m sorry that so many people in your lives hurt you and break your trust. I’m happy, though, that you’ve come to realize why their news bothered you so much. I hope you can find some way to find peace with all of this, though I know forgiveness will be hard. You know you at least have all of us here for you. *hugs*

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    • Amy, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive. You are so right in hoping that by understanding why I’ve been so hurt by them, I can move forward and find peace with it. I’m not there today, but I am starting to feel a bit better. I plan to take it one day at a time, and hopefully soon enough the sting will hurt a little less.

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  31. Something similar happened to me at the end of our IVF journey but months before we made the decision to adopt. My “good friend” who had listened to our infertility woes decided to announce his wife’s pregnancy in front of many other people on the day I returned to work after the last IVF fiasco. My face just froze and I just stood there paralyzed at his timing and his desire to have me present for his public announcement. I’m hurting for you.

    I can tell you this incident happened over 15 years ago but I can still feel the sense of betrayal today. Much healing took place after we adopted 2 children and I am very happy with my gift of motherhood. But the pain of infertility never goes totally away. I have managed to transfer my feelings of loss to wishing I gave birth to my adopted children as I love them so fiercely and intensely. I hope you find the same joy someday soon when you have your beautiful children. In the meantime though, ditch the brother-in-law and his wife. 2 insensitive clods you will never trust again.

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    • It’s amazing, through sharing our recent experience with our BIL/SIL, I’ve been amazed to learn just how many other people have experienced similar hurt and pain at the hands of a friend or family member. I am sorry you understand this, and I am sorry that somehow compassion doesn’t seem to be a common theme. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
      And thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been told by a few others who have moved from infertility to adoption that adoption doesn’t cure us and erase our pain, but adoption does allow for the excitement and love that comes along with having children and being mothers. I really appreciate your perspective of shifting your feelings of loss to wishing you gave birth to your adopted children – I hope I too will be able to make that transition.

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  32. Oh man, each of your points just make so much sense! I’m aching for you. THe skype face to face one really struck me. I feel the same way about hearing pregnancy news. I”ve even told a friend that if she hears of anyone being pregnant to give me a heads up- I absolutely do not want to hear that kind of news face to face, forced to hide my complicated emotions and try (and fail) to show happiness for them. I”ve had several people tell me or let me know they wanted to to tell me because it seemed like the “right” thing to do- and I want to say- right for who? not for me. really how do they expect us to respond? it just sets up unrealistic expectations. anyways- enough with my rant. just wanted to let you know I’m reading, and you are so not alone in your felings.

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    • I love your rant – and completely agree with you!! At my old job one of the girls in the office would always give me a heads up if she heard about a pregnancy (she worked in a much more visible position then I did and knew everyone and their gossip in the office). I so appreciated her thoughtfulness!

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  33. Pingback: I Asked For Help | My Perfect Breakdown

  34. Oh Sweetie, I’m hurting for you and Mr. MPB right now! You absolutely deserve compassion and sensitivity in this area and I am so sorry that people you love and confided in didn’t even try to give you that. The whole situation just sucks! I totally understand how much people that lack compassion can hurt you. My MIL and SIL are the same way (Not sure if you read my password protected post, but it’s in there if you want to). Know that we all absolutely support you and love you so much!!! Sending the Hugest of Hugs to you right now, Friend!!!!

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your understanding. I am always at a loss for how people can be so insensitive and lack basic compassion, but it seems like all of us know at least one or two people who are experts at it.
      Also, I definitely want the password to those posts! Can you email it to me at myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com?

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  35. I understand how you feel. My little sister who is fairly young, not married, only been in her relationship 4 months is pregnant. Now shes 5 months pregnant. :/ im still not pregnant.

    Its a tough feeling to be happy for them.

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      • I’m sorry too, i hope many people dont have to feel this way. Life isn’t fair and that is so hard to cope with. Sending you hugs and love too.

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  36. I know you didn’t write this to make us all angry, but I have to tell you… I am livid. I didn’t comment yesterday because I was just so mad at your BIL and SIL. What is wrong with people? I can understand if they didn’t know of your struggles, but they know EVERYTHING. Why in the world would they expect you to be overjoyed for them and, better yet, want to hear this news face to face? Every feeling you have about this is beyond justified.

    I am sending you hugs.

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    • Thank you so much for understanding! You are right, I didn’t share this to make you all angry, but it is so helpful to know that my incredibly strong emotional reaction makes sense!
      Thanks so much for your hugs and ongoing support!

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  39. I am so sorry they hurt you like this, and I wish you didn’t have to deal with this pain.

    Maybe I believe too much in the goodness of people, but I think most people don’t do such insensitive things out of cruelty or lack of compassion. I think in many cases these behaviors are the result of fear and being at a loss of words. Years ago I almost destroyed a friendship I value dearly because my friend was going through a hard time in her life, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. So instead of being there for her and sharing my feelings (including the fact that I’m confused and not sure what to say), I waited too long and said all the wrong things. I didn’t mean to hurt her, yet I did, and it took us a long time to rebuild the friendship. I’m not trying to make excuses for your brother-in-law and his wife, but I suspect that this might be the case here. Maybe it was because they knew so much about your struggles that they were afraid to share their own news and it ended up being all wrong. It doesn’t justify their behavior, but maybe it can at least help it make a little more sense.

    Sending you hugs and support.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your own experience and the fall-out of it from it.
      Honestly, now that I’ve started to calm down, I think you may be right. Or at least I really hope you are right.
      We’ve chosen not to say anything to them at this point because we don’t want to over-react and make everything even worse. I do hope at some point we talk to them about it, I think it would be best for us not to harbour our hurt and angry for years to come, but I really think we need to do it when we aren’t reacting just out of pure emotion. (I hope that makes sense).
      Thank you again!

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  40. I have been there in the same situation as you. I too am going through this emotional phase because of the uncertainty that whether we are really building walls everywhere are if we are less accommodating and social to be affected so easily. However I was happy to read ‘we’ in your post meaning your dear husband and you are fighting it off together. It affects you both and its a very reassuring feeling if you are under the same roof. My husband is insensitive to this and that makes me want to seek professional help because its too hard to deal with all by ourselves. Your post really helps me to know that there are many like me around the world and its perfectly normal to feel this way and there is no way one has to be weak by it all.

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    • Looking back at our 5 losses in 2.5 years, I can honestly say seeking professional help is one of most critical things we chose to do. I went first, and then eventually my husband joined me. And now we both go and we have learned so much about ourselves and each other by talking with our counsellor. And honestly, we became very committed to getting through this together and we are stronger today then we were before.
      Please do know that you are not alone, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me (myperfectbreakdown@gmail.com). Wishing you the best and sending you love.

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  41. I’m totally shocked. What?? How dare anyone who knows of even ONE loss have the temerity to tell you they are “excited!?” It’s the wrong word completely. I’d be so scared and have to WRITE via email or something where I’m not even looking at you face , “Guys, I’m so sorry this is not happening for you too. I’m so sorry to tell you that we’re expecting. We’ll understand if you want to hide and avoid us for a while. We know it’s hard to deal with such things when you’re going through such stress.” That’s what I would do. I’m shocked.

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    • I think your approach is the “normal” one – and the approach that we’ve received from nearly everyone else in our lives who hasn’t even known the details that they have. Needless to say, they really did hurt us, but we need to find a way to move past that one day at a time.

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