Feeling Like We Were Just Sucker Punched In the Gut
Could this week get any worse? The answer is YES.
Mr. MPB and I just spoke with our USA adoption agency. We hadn’t touched base in just over a month as we were waiting to get stuff going on the Canadian side. But, we decided to submit our formal application and fee next week just to cross another item off our list, so I thought a phone call was in order.
Here is what we learned in what can only be described as a horrible phone call:
- I spoke with someone different and they have no record of us. Mr. MPB is less concerned about this because we had not paid them yet, and cash talks. He seems to understand that without payment, there is no need for them to have a file on us. While I can understand this, I’m still disappointed that after a few months of constant contact and conversations the person I spoke with today seemed to have no idea who we are. So much for relationship building being a priority.
- As we are adopting internationally we were informed that our child will go from the hospital into cradle care until all our paperwork with Canada is approved – potentially 3-4 weeks. Cradle care is essentially foster care. This is 100% completely contradictory to what we were told a mere month ago. In fact, the notes I wrote from my conversation with the old employee states “unless the birth mother does not agree to waive the 30 day revocation period, you take the child directly from the hospital to your hotel. We are required to stay in California until the paperwork is all done.” My issue here is that I suspect the rules didn’t change in the last few months, so WTF?!! Based on what we were told before, we had made the decision that if the birth mother did not waive the 30 days we would actually walk away from the adoption to protect ourselves from a failed adoption (my heart cannot take another loss) and to prevent our child from spending its first month without us. So, here we are now being told that no-matter what our child will be spending its first few weeks without us, the parents. We will not start forming the all-important attachment bonds as a family immediately. And we will not be their primary care givers during these critical formative days. We should be allowed to visit daily, but that’s it.
- Evidently earlier we were also informed the wrong thing about the revocation period. Today we were told that all birth mothers in California waive their parental rights within a day or two of birth, unless they request a 30 day extension. Up until now we have been under the impression that “birth mothers typically waive the 30 days a day or two after giving birth”. There was no mention of the 30 days only occurring if the birth mother requests it. Our issue here is the fact that once again the rules seem to be changing and I know the legislation has not changed, but wording change is substantial. Should they be able to read the letter of the law and get it right? This is a pretty simple fact to misinterpret.
But here’s the thing, we are now being told different things. In fact, we are being told completely contradictory things. This scares the be-gibers out of me! Now I cannot help but question what else have we been told that is wrong? If they are telling us the wrong thing, what are they telling the much more vulnerable birth mothers? Can we trust what they are telling us? If they do anything illegal, we are then engaged in illegal activities. Simply, Mr. MPB and I will only engage with an ethical agency, and right now we are worried.
Now we are sitting here wondering if we should we start re-considering some of the other agencies that we looked at? We have 5 possible agencies we could choose. 2 we did not like at all and will not adopt from. 2 other ones were closed to outgoing international applicants when we were doing our research, but is it worth checking them out again? We haven’t paid a penny to what we thought was our preferred agency, so if we are going to make a change, now is the time.
And then, the rational side of me says, no system is perfect. I’d rather learn the correct information now, so we can move forward knowing what to actually expect. And, I am trying to be grateful for the fact that we are not in a rush to make a decision on the USA side, we have time to contemplate our next step. And I am confident we will use this time wisely, even if we are immensely frustrated by it.
Needless to say a lot of tears have been shed in the last few hours, and I’m just feeling defeated. I was so excited about the progress occurring on the Canadian side that I feel completely blindsided by this and the resulting nagging doubts. I know this isn’t this end of the world, I know we will survive and we will make the cradle care situation work if we have no choice, but honestly right now I’m just frustrated. Why can’t anything just be straightforward and easy?!
No one ever said adoption is easy. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve read that adoption is not for the faint of heart. And today, as I’m trying to collect my emotions and process the confusion, I have to concur.
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P.S. It’s been a rough few days, and I a still waiting on word to find out just how badly I hurt my ankle yesterday when I slipped in the kitchen – x-ray results are expected in a few hours.
Here’s to hoping next week is a better, because I cannot take much more right now.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
Oh Friend, I am so sorry! This is the last thing you need right now. A couple of things…does this agency have people that you can contact that have adopted through them already? They may be able to enlighten you to the actual process having already gone through it. Also, can you research California law yourself so that you know what the actual law is instead of getting contradictory answers from people that should know but clearly aren’t on the same page? I know in WI, Birth Moms have 30 days to change their minds. We as the adoptive parents can choose whether or not we take the baby home with us or have the baby go to foster care until the court date where the Birth Mom’s rights are terminated. I know our situations are a little different since we are domestic and you are international. I pray that your ankle heals quickly…I know you were just starting to really get back into a fitness routine and this is definitely a set back when you probably need that distraction the most. Sending you lots of hugs and love each and every day!!!
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Thanks so much for all of this sweetheart! We are working with our Canadian agency to get put in touch with people who are working with the agency in the USA – that way we can learn from their experiences. Of course, due to privacy concerns, this will take some time.
I agree about learning the laws ourselves and not relying on the agency – that was part of the plan for today, but I see Bruised Banana’s comment and it looks like she has already done that for me. (thankfully).
As for the ankle, I just got home from my awesome family doctor. It is a high ankle sprain – expecting 8 weeks for a full recovery. But he was clear that i need to keep using it and that I should keep exercising unless the pain is too great. I’m just happy I can keep working out – I’m thinking of cycling tonight as it will probably be the easiest on my ankle.
And as always, thank you!!
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I’m so sorry. You are right to be upset and also skeptical having been given such contradictory information. I hope you and Mr. MPB can work through this and get to a resolution soon. You deserve respect from these agencies and no more bumps in the road! Prayers going up for you!!
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Thank you so much! I really do hope that we will move beyond this bump in the adoption road in no time. 🙂
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Also, I hope the word bump didn’t seem like I was minimizing what you’re going thru in any way. I know it is probably more like a mountain.
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Oh, not at all. I didn’t even give a second thought to the term of bump because in the scheme of an adoption process I’m sure this is just a small bump, and I’m also pretty sure it wont be out last and we will probably face bigger mountains at some point in this process. 🙂
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R%&^%$&*^%*%! Ugh! That is so frustrating. I’m so sorry. I like the suggestion above to talk to people who have adopted from that agency. But still, I just don’t at all like that your agency is telling you two different things. It just gives me a bad feeling. I think you’re smart to looking into other agencies, although I know that must feel incredibly exhausting and like the dead last thing you want to be doing right now. Would it help if I emailed you the name of the agency I met with the other week? I mean, I don’t know what they’re like to work with, but I did get a good impression from that first meeting. They are in PA, though, and not California — can you only adopt from California? I’m really sorry things are not going smoothly and that you’re have a crappy week. I hope your ankle heals quickly and that you have a relaxing weekend. Sending love to you!
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Also, one other thought: would it be possible for you to call back your agency and ask to talk to supervisor? Maybe he or she can give you the real and true answer, and maybe even offer some explanation for the conflicting info?
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Thank you for all of this!
First, you are right, I am freaking exhausted from all of this right now. But we will continue on, because we don’t have much choice. Adoption seems to be a full time job. 🙂
While I appreciate the offer to connect with your agency, we have very strict rules around the agencies we can work with – there are only 5 in all of the USA that are approved by our province. If we choose to try to work with a different agency we will ad 1 – 2 years onto the process time as we have to get them approved by our province. So not going to happen 🙂
As for talking to a supervisor – that sounds like a wonderful idea. Except, the individual I spoke with is the director and on the board of governors. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is anyone higher. 😦
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This stinks! My only thought is that I would (if I were you) consult (and probably retain) an adoption lawyer. They know the system and can help ensure that you don’t get screwed in this process. I’m sure the added expense isn’t desirable, but the added security might be invaluable. What do you think? XOXO
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You are brilliant MLACS! This is exactly what we want to do, the problem is that it’s illegal! The way the process works is that we select our agency first, then we select the specific lawyer that is approved to work with the agency once we are approved to adopt by the USA government. At this point we would happily pay to speak with one. Except we are not allowed to! Yup, it’s absolutely insane, and the most frustrating thing ever!!
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Like, seriously??? WTF
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My words exactly!
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I don’t think that is right. It is illegal to prevent you from getting independent legal advice. You can consult a lawyer at will. You may not be able to include him/her in the agency’s process but seeking advice outside that process cannot be proscribed. It is your #%*?! right. Argh, sorry. I am getting really stinking angry reading about the crap they are trying to sell you!!!
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Ankle injuries are the worst! I sprained mine really bad 2 years ago and it took 8 months to fully recover. I hope yours is only minor. I’m glad you found out these caveats now instead of further down the road. Try to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you will make the best decision for yourself based on the information you have (which you have eagerly sought and researched). A flawed system is not your fault; although, it is extremely frustrating and anxiety-ridden. Can you get any advice from the other adoptive parents you have met?
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Arg, 8 months to fully recover?! My amazing family doctor is expecting 6-8 weeks. But he wants me using it and he wants me to continue exercising – apparently recent studies are showing that with a high ankle sprain using it will help it heal faster. I’m just really happy that he wants me using it and I’m not sidelined for months. 🙂
As for the adoption stuff, I am so thankful for your connection – we’ve been emailing, and I have calmed down a bit. 🙂 I’m hoping to reach out to a few more people through our agency next week. Rationally I do know that this is just a bump in the road, and I’m already starting to calm down a bit.
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Ah that’s good to hear! 🙂 I had some stagnation issues. Was in physio and getting acupuncture done on it. Just couldn’t get to swelling to subside.
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My doctor mentioned the possibility of complications like that, but I’ve decided not to focus on the possibility and just focus on getting better quickly. I think you call it setting positive intentions? (see, I’m learning from you.) 🙂
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As much as I try to have positive intentions, the universe likes to throw me many curve balls.
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This is lousy. I’m so sorry. My understanding of US adoption is that different states have different time frames for the birth mother to change her mind. A friend of ours was adopting in New York. The baby was born on Tuesday, he went home with our friend on Wednesday, and the birth mother had until Tuesday of this week to change her mind. Maybe that’s just because it was a domestic adoption. I’m really not sure. I hope you guys get some solid answers and fast. Is it anything the Canadian agency can help you clarify?
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Thanks for sharing Molly. It is our understanding as well that different states have different rules.
We are working to get answers today and plan to make a final decision next week. I have spoken with our Canadian agency, and they have provided some constructive advice on how we should proceed, but beyond that they wont get involved at this stage. We were told that the lack of support is one of the biggest hindrances to international adoption, and this is our first time we are really experiencing it. But, I am confident that with a bit of time and lots of research we will get through it.
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I’m not sure how much this will help- I’m able to access California codes & laws (thanks to my trusty law degree!) and I did some research regarding agency adoptions. I have included the citations here if you are able to look them up, and if not let me know. I can email them to you.
It appears that the birth parent can sign a waiver of the right to revoke relinquishment which would make the relinquishment final immediately (Cal. Fam. Code section 8700.5), otherwise the relinquishment would take be final in 10 business days post-filing. If no waiver was signed the birth parent pay rescind in the time period between signing relinquishment and filing of the papers, which is to take place no earlier than one business day post-signing. Cal. Fam. Code section 8700
There is language about a 30-day time frame in which to rescind, but it is specific to situations in which the child is removed from the adoptive home prior to the adoption being granted. Then a notice is sent to the birth parent and they have 30 days from that notice to rescind relinquishment. (Cal. Fam. Code section 8700) I’m not saying they can’t request 30 more days – there is some language in there about the court being able to grant more time but doesn’t elaborate. It’s just not very black and white.
Regarding placement pre-finalization – the law states that a foster care certification or license is not required and can be placed with prospective parents as long as a home study has been completed. Now, the tricky part there is the international piece, and you wouldn’t be in your “home” with the child during that time. That statute doesn’t reference that, but it doesn’t specifically prohibit it either. Cal. Fam. Code section 8704.5
A lot of the laws on the books for intercountry adoptions are for children being adopted from a foreign country being brought into America.
Let me know if this helps, if you want more info, if there’s anything else I can do. I’m sorry it’s so confusing. xoxo
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THANK YOU!! This is exactly what I was planning on looking up today, and I’m sure you just saved me hours of trying to find this information. Although, I should point out that this is still different from what the agency has told us both times…which raises my anxiety. But, I also do also realize that Mr. MPB and I are highly technical and they may have thought they were saying hte same thing, when I jumped on the language and determined that it was not contradictory.
You are right, about the complex layer of this being an outgoing international adoption. While we will have a homestudy approved, it will not be for the hotel we are staying at. This seems to be the sticky point that results in cradle care. But, we were expecting a few days, not up to a month.
Arg! So frustrating. So much to figure out. But, honestly, thank you! I will probably shoot you an email later today or over the weekend as we keep sorting through a bunch of information.
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You’re very welcome! If you can’t find the California Family Law Code readily accessible on the Internet let me know. I’ll copy and paste it into a word doc and send it over.
There’s also a difference between the actual law and “this is how we do things here” which has nothing to do with actual law. It could be that they give 30 days as a “this is how we do things here” unwritten rule. One of the many reasons I hated being an attorney. Unwritten rules everywhere.
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I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head – unwritten rules of “this is how we do things here”. I’ve been reading and digging into other states today and I think you are right.
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We are just starting this journey and I’ve already experienced a wave of emotions. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling though. Stay strong!
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It sure is an emotionally charged journey! Wishing you the best on your journey – I’m confident that once you are into it and we get through all these hurdles, it will be worth it! 🙂
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When it rains, it pours, right? I know it feels like that sometimes. Keep your chin up. Seems like you already have some good ideas and there are some fantastic comments here. Remember it’s possible that the person you spoke to today is the one who is wrong, not the person you spoke to before… I think consulting a lawyer familiar with California adoption laws is a really good place to start. Good luck!
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It is absolutely pouring right now! I really could use some sunshine and and a rainbow! 🙂
Thanks for your kind words or encouragement and the reminder that we don’t actually know what the right information actually is.
I so wish we could speak with a California adoption lawyer, but we cannot at this point. The legal process between Canada and the USA requires that we choose our agency now and once we have our approvals from the USA government we cannot speak directly with a lawyer through our agency. It’s frustrating beyond belief, but we know we cannot risk stepping on the wrong side of the law. 😦
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Oh my gosh- this is all too much for one person. I hope you can somehow bear the weight of this horrible week then things will look brighter. You guys will get to the other side. The happy side. Somehow you will. Hoping it all goes by fast until you are there. Xo
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Thanks mamajo. You are right, it sure feels like too much right now. My goal is to take a deep breath and refocus over the weekend. In my heart, I believe you are right, we somehow will get to the other side of this eventually.
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Good grief. This sounds so familiar. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It ROYALLY SUCKS.
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I do not understand why their seems to be so much systemic communication issues with the adoption world!? I cannot for the life of me figure out why the system is like this! You are right, it SUCKS!!
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Oh my goodness. I haven’t had time this week to catch up on previous posts of yours, but I’m getting there! I can’t even believe all the contradictory information you’re getting. It’s quite baffling. I don’t really have any advice, but I can say that I support you guys and am ALWAYS cheering for you two. I’m hoping your ankle heals quickly!!! XOXO HUGS
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Thank you so much Mrs. Brooks. It’s been one heck of a week, and I really just cannot wait to put it behind us! I figure that next week has to be better, it just has to be!!
Thanks for your love and encouragement!! I hope you are doing well! 🙂
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This probably won’t help, but here goes my two cents. My friend adopted three children from Korea and only got to take them home when they were 6 months old – and they are a family and completely bonded – if for some reason you aren’t able to take home the baby right away, I wanted to at least give a small amount of reassurance. I know the emotions are on a hair trigger right now because of this long painful journey, just know we are all here supporting you. Hugs
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It does help! You make such a great point, as much as I’m stressing about the idea of foster care / cradle care, we will overcome it. Many other adoptive families, in fact nearly all, over come it. We can do it too!! Thanks for reminding me and for your great words of encouragement!!
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Argh, so sorry. This has already been said, but I want to jump in and agree – please don’t assume that this latest person has it all right. Maybe they’re new, or maybe they’re clueless. Please call back and ask to speak to a senior person. I wouldn’t start worrying about whether or not they’re ethical or legal, or looking at other agencies, at this stage – you’ve done your homework; trust yourselves. But clearly there’s been a communication breakdown and you need to speak to a SENIOR person who can answer your questions CLEARLY.
It might be valuable to write your questions down in bullet form, without emotional language. Find out who the senior person is that you can talk to, email your questions to them, and then talk through them.
I haven’t walked your road, but that is how I have handled this KIND of problem – which is likely to arise any time that a private individual is trying to do anything at all complicated involving an agency. This kind of situation is NORMAL.
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You sound so much like me in your approach to these circumstances!
Professionally the approach you describe is very much the approach I would take. I actually had the list of questions written out when I phoned, because I love lists and organization. 🙂
The biggest problem right now is that I was speaking to the most senior person in the organization so I cannot get any higher. We may have Mr. MPB call next week and see what he learns. As much as I hate to say it, a man-to-man conversation might work better and will probably be worth a try – really, we have nothing to lose right?
As always, thanks so much for your thoughts and ideas! I love them! 🙂
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Oh girl.. I am so sorry that the agency is so incompetent in giving you the correct information. This whole process is so so complicated, and it’s so important that the agency gains your trust since you rely on them to provide you the most correct, up to date information. How frustrating it is… 😦 Big hugs to you, my friend. ❤
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Thanks so much for understanding. You are right, this is all about trust and right now I’m uncomfortable and our trust is wavering. And truthfully I’m scared which probably just amplifies everything.
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Did you spend time on the expectant parent side of the adoption agency website? Were you okay with their advertising (did they treat this seriously or just happy stuff) and depth or brevity of the info given? Did they mention open adoption, if yes, did they explain how and when and open adoption is legal or enforced? (My understanding is that California has legally enforced open adoption agreements but ONLY if the agreement is filed with the adoption petition and approved – the birthmother does not receive notice when the petition is filed so would have no idea if the agreement was included). If the website only mentions open but not anything about legal – then I think they are wrong. This will give you an idea of how they treat expectant mothers – do they honestly and in detail go over all options or is adoption the only real solution. Do they mention the father? Is he merely a pest to be dealt with or is he treated as one of the two people who created the child?
Did you google the agency name plus complaints or fraud. Go to google.com not ca – link bottom right of the page. You will get different results. I would also query BBB and the COA (the hague accreditation – they should have a link to it on their agency site) – it’s an onerous process to get through – but they produce a document that is linked that lists all accredited agencies and substantiated and unsubstantiated complaints. If you get stuck let me know.
I would assume though that because you are doing an international hague adoption the cradle care is required (the agency may have been slapped for not doing this). Canada seems to interpret things slightly different that Ireland the last time I looked – maybe Canada has become more like Ireland. Ireland requires a six week period before the courts can accept the relinquishment as final and during that time is for revocation and the Irish couples cannot care for the child in between. It’s the very basis of ensuring that the surrender is completely voluntary, and time for change of heart to occur. They seemed to have caved on, and follow Florida law in regards to the child’s father which is a pity considering both should have the right to parent or relinquish.
Hopefully some of this helps…
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Thanks so much for all of this TAO!
The agency is Hague accredited and approved by our Canadian provincial agency – only 5 agencies in all of the USA have met the standards to be approved here, so as much as I am worrying right now, the fact that they are Hague accredited and approved here is a pretty substantial indicator that they are a reputable agency.
I really appreciate your thoughts about the birth family side of the adoption – when we were initially interviewing all the agencies, one of the main reasons we chose this agency is because of the depth of the birth family services that are offered and pre and post counselling. We felt that they had the best services available to the birth family, which we think is critically important in a successful open adoption.
And thank you for sharing the Ireland process. I do not think the Canadian process does not require anytime beyond that of the state we adopt from to confirm relinquishment as final. Our country will approve the adoption based on the laws in the state.
Thank you so much! All of this helps! I am so appreciate of any ideas on how to up our research to make this the best decision possible because at the end of the day while it will impact our lives, it will also impact our child’s life and we firmly believe they deserve to have a healthy start in life and a healthy and safe relationship with their birth parents.
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Hairy dogs bollocks. I have a feeling this will be like going through the worst ever business experience ever with you having to smile through every clanging mistake they make. And they’re going to make lots. Keep up the pretence to them..rant here..there’s plenty of room on the sofa of despair and lots of broad shoulders and freshly laundered hankies..and large glasses of very cold white wine… xxxxxxx
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I have a feeling you are right, and I love your analogy! Here goes to smiling through all their mistakes.
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So many hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and being presented with these extra hurdles that no one told you about before. It makes absolutely no sense to me.
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I’m with you on this – absolutely no sense! I’ve started to realize that adoption really doesn’t make a lot of sense, so I might as well start trying to accept that we will probably have many more of these bumps in the road in the coming months!
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Well that phone call update sucks. I am so sorry. And I can completely understand why you are so upset, I would feel dumbfounded by these contradictions (and disturbed by #2 for sure). I hope the xray is okay. I am sending lots of love and clarity (and a happy hour drink). Love you! Justine
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Totally sucked! We will get through it, but it’s still an unnecessary pain in the butt!
X-ray showed that I’m not broken! yay! But, I do have a high ankle sprain which will take 6-8 weeks to fully heal. Not so great, but definitely better then a break. So, I’ll take it. 🙂
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I’m so sorry! You really did not need these potential set backs but if anyone can handle this it is you
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Thanks so much for your encouragement! Part of me wishes we push fast-forward and skip all these unnecessary complications.
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Wouldn’t that be just lovely lol
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I think any of us in the IF/RPL land would happily push fast forward to skip all the drama! Too bad life doesn’t work that way. 🙂
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I think the proper response is that all of the grief will teach us something and when we finally get the baby we hoped for and dreamed of it will be well worth the wait… But if someone could just put a baby in my arms now that would be great 😉
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So well said!!
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oh my gosh hun! This is outrageous and I would be extremely…well…ummm…pissed too! What the heck? Did the two employees not attend the same training session on how to do their job? Or read the same state laws? Geesh! You are very wise to look into other agencies Can you look into other states as well? The adoption process is already nerve wracking and you don’t need the uncertainty of if they are getting their stories straight thrown into the mix either. Sending you some virtual hugs today! xo
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Thanks Elisha!! Evidently they did not attend the same training, or maybe one slept through it?
Technically we can look into any Hague accredited agency we want. BUT, if they are not already approved by our province it will take an additional year or two before we can use them. So, that’s not happening.
This means we have 5 agencies to chose from, located in a total of 3 states. We interviewed them all months ago, and chose the one we liked the most. Next week I am going to go back and re-interview them all and see what I learn and make another “final” decision.
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I am so sorry hun! You should NOT have to deal with this!
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Thank you!
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Ugh. That is so frustrating. I can understand making mistakes at your job, but adoption is SERIOUS. It’s not like putting milk instead of cream in a coffee. These are peoples lives. They should know what they are doing and know what they are saying. If they don’t have an answer, call back when you do – rather than say the wrong thing.
And, I’m so sorry you injured your ankle and I hope it isn’t serious. Hugs.
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You are right, it is so frustrating! And considering how important it is to get adoption done right, it drives me crazy that they don’t seem to be consistent in their messaging.
As far as ankle injuries go it’s not that bad. It’s just a high ankle sprain and not a break. Probably about a week of pain, but 6-8 weeks before it will be fully healed.
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I’m just playing catch up and so sorry to gear you’ve been having such a shit week. I don’t blame you at all for being upset. You have to put your faith in this organization and these discrepancies in information dp not make it easy to do that and how awful that your baby might have to be placed in foster-like care until everything is processed! That’s not right at all!
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Thanks so much sweetie. It has been a tough week, but somehow we will make it through it all – we always do, even when we don’t feel like we can.
I hope you are well!
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Huge hug hon. ❤
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I’m so sorry that you got this huge cloud of gloom, especially when you’re already having a hard time. It makes no sense that 2 different people tell you 2 completely different things in such a short span of time. Maybe someone just really had no idea what they were talking about! I agree with the above comment, maybe you should get a lawyer. I wish this was going easier for you, and I hope you get some real answers in the near future. Stay strong my friend!
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Thanks so much Amy. The lawyer stuff is complicated given the international agreements that lay out the process, and that process doesn’t allow lawyers into the picture until later. So frustrating!
But, we will carry on, somehow we will. What choice do we have?
Love to you and as always thank you!
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Oh no, what a frustrating situation. I’m sorry the past few days have been so tough–and an ankle injury on top of it! I don’t understand the conflicting information. I do understand your feelings of lack of trust and fear that unethical stuff is going on due to the conflicting information… and that sucks. I read through some of the comments above, and it’s amazing to me that your province approves 5 USA agencies…that’s it. How do they decide? So crazy. I hope that all is cleared up sooner than later, that you can find peace with this agency or find a different one that you are comfortable with. Such turmoil! I hope that things iron out. I wish I had better advice, but just know that I’m thinking of you!
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Thank you so much Jess!! Months ago we interviewed all 5 agencies, and now I’m re-interviewing them to see if we overlooked something and maybe another one is a better fit. Hopefully, we can get this resolved ASAP as I hate having this hanging over our heads. I want to be at peace with our decision and just move on. 🙂
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Hugs.
Is there such a thing in California as adoption lawyers instead of agencies that could be used? It seems to be less ridiculous with a lawyer versus an agency from my limited knowledge and experience.
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Due to the international agreements that are in place, we are legally bound to a Hague accredited agency that is approved by our province. Eventually we will work with a lawyer that is approved by the agency, but until then we have to sort through the agency crap first. (If we were USA residents I believe we could work directly with an adoption lawyer, although I’m not 100% positive about that)
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It seems a bit ridiculous to me. You’re Canadian, for crying out loud.
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Evidently being Canadian doesn’t really matter.
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It too would be worried and confused. I hope you can get it all sorted out soon. Xo
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Thanks so much, I am pretty sure once we sort through all the crap we will get it figured out. Just one more annoyance to overcome.
Thanks for your hope!! 🙂
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This is just terrible. I would be so upset to learn all of this contradictory stuff. It makes me really wonder who is right… the person you usually talk to or this new person. I know people who have adopted here in the states and taken the baby home from the hospital so I don’t know if that is something that they simply don’t allow for international adoptions or what but I know it is quite common practice here. I truly hope you are able to get it all figured out very soon and have no further confusion on the matter.
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I’m pretty sure it is the international component of this that makes it more complicated.
Thank you so much for your hope – I really do hope we get it sorted out ASAP and there are no further complications and/or massive confusion.
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Whoa! Is this the only agency in the area with which you can work? Does the Cdn agency have means or suggestions for you getting advice from adoption attorneys familiar with the laws in CA? We worked with a law firm and two lawyers whose entire practice is adoption and donor reproduction law and the like. If you want their names let’s chat. This kind of miscommunication would freak the bloody hell out if me too. You need to know your rights so you can calmly advocate for yourself when you face shit like this. God, I’m so sorry this happened.
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I just sent you an email – aka a novel!
As always, I am so incredibly thankful for your support!!!
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It is really amazing and disheartening the hoops you have to jump through to adopt. So many kids need loving homes and yet they make it so difficult! I was actually more interested in adoption than going through IVF. It took me a year to talk my husband into considering adoption. And then when we started going through the process, it was me that said “holy crap, this is ridiculous!” and I decided shooting myself up with drugs and going through an incredibly invasive procedure would actually be easier. Not that there is anything easy about IVF, which is the crazy thing. I wish you the best of luck with all this. It’s certainly not an easy road.
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Neither are easy, but right now, I completely understand your decision to choose medicine over adoption! While I understand the reasoning behind having so many checks and balances in place surrounding adoption, it is bit ridiculous that the process isn’t more straight forward. It’s almost like half the test of determining you are a fit parent to adopt is that you can survive the adoption process. It’s freaking ridiculous!!
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oh man, this SUCKS! I”m so sorry that this adds to the struggles of simply getting through the paperworks and red tape and waiting. ugh ugh ugh!
routing for you from the US!
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Thanks so much sweetie! It does suck, but after taking a few days to calm down, I know we will overcome it eventually. We will sort through all the laws and actually figure out what is what, eventually.
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I wish I had some knowledge or experience to offer, but I can only say I’m sorry you’re being jerked around like this. For the brief time I researched adoption, my biggest gripe was with the industry itself and how unkind it seems to be to the adoptive family nowadays. I hope you find some resolution you can live with so you can just get past the hoops to the parenting part.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the adoption industry – I really do agree! I understand why there are so many checks and balances in place to protect the children, but I cannot for the life of my understand why the system cannot be kinder to potential parents. It’s frustrating and exhausting to say the least!
And thank you for your hope – I am just reminding myself that this will be worth it in the end. If we keep jumping through all the hoops, one day we will have our family.
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Oh my goodness. I don’t know how I missed this post. I’m so sorry for the shit-ass treatment from the agency. I find that this type of thing happens a lot when companies don’t have a standard set of answers for things- employees disseminate information from their own (sometimes limited) experiences as a way to quell your anxiety. I think the mister is correct in that they probably don’t have a file on you because you haven’t established a financial commitment to them. They should’ve been upfront about that though. I understand that you’re feeling scared and frustrated because of the chance in this 30 day period that the birth mother may withdraw from the adoption. I also get how more than anything, you want to establish your mother-child bond with this baby asap. Are you able to make connections with other families who are working with this agency (or have worked with them) to give unbiased insight? Hugs and hope, friend. Somehow, I feel like you will get your baby.
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Thanks for understanding! You are so right about the frustrations around the entire situation. I’ve taken a few days, and I have calmed down about it – thankfully. I’ve also taken this time to connect with a few others who are using this agency and others who have adopted from the USA to get their opinion of all of this. And, we have also started to re-interview the other agencies available to us to make sure we are comfortable with whatever we decide to do.
What keeps me going through all of this is that I believe you are right, one day we will get our baby. And it will be everything we ever dreamed of! 🙂
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Yes, I hope so!
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High ankle sprains are the worst! I suffered a really bad one in 2010, and it took two years to feel normal again. It still aches with overuse and cold damp weather. I probably have arthritis in it now. Ibuprofen and Naproxen should help with decreasing inflammation, and icing it at the end of the day will help too. Once you can move it more, some gentle range of motion exercises will help get some good joint fluid in, and bad joint fluid out. I know how active you are, and I hope you get well soon!
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To work out I wrapped it in a tensor bandage it felt 90% better – I was amazed! I’ll be wrapping it from now on whenever I leave the house. Unfortunately no ibuprofen/NSIDS for me, as I’ll end up with an ulcer. I was taking Tylenol, but have since decided the pain is tolerable and just stopped taking them.
My family doctors comment to me was, don’t let this stop you from excising now that you are active again. So, I’m taking his advice and keeping myself sane. 🙂
Thanks for your well wishes! I really hope it doesn’t turn into a 2 year injury, that sounds miserable.
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I hope yours doesn’t last that long too. Mine was a particularly bad one, with an avulsion fracture (tendon and bone breaking off of the bone). I’m glad you are keeping on going!
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Oh good grief – that is just crazy. It doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence does it? I wonder if perhaps you should look at other agencies – and also familiarise yourself with the black and white laws so that you know what they are talking about and if they seem to be telling you the wrong thing. It is inexcusable for them to have representatives telling you things that are completely inaccurate. And the money that you have to spend and the paperwork… my god – it seems like an absolute nightmare of a process. I’m so sorry none of this has been straightforward. You need a break – both of you – some good news and something to keep you both going. I hope you get something soon. xxx
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Thanks for your thoughts Rose! I’ve been re-interviewing the other agencies available to us, and reading up on the legal stuff. I figure at very least we will be incredibly well educated in our rights and what the real legal procedures really are. It may take some time, but we will get there!
I hope you get some good news and something to keep you going soon too!! I think we both deserve some happiness! 🙂
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I read your post last night. All those details about the agency certainly would give me pause. I couldn’t sleep, thinking about you and your situation, so I spent a fair amount of time praying for you.
My daughter and her husband adopted through an agency in Salt Lake City because Utah has the most protective laws for adoptive parents. Are there any on your list? That is strange that you have so few choices under the law.
You may be right in response to another writer, that this is some kind of hazing process!
Go easy on that ankle. Tendons and ligaments heal very slowly, and don’t like aggravation (any more than you do!).
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I’m so sorry you are having so many rough days. I hope you get positive adoption news soon.
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Thank you so much. Last week was absolutely rough, but I am starting to feel better.
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