Relieved Heartbreak*
Today is an important day. In fact, in about 4 hours I will face the actual important moment.
Today, our pregnancy journey will forever be terminated and with that our path to parenthood will be forever changed.
Today, I am finally getting my Mirena IUD inserted. I decided I was ready to get it last month, but the timing of my cycles meant that I would get it the week of Christmas (although it is not required, I decided that I needed to get it inserted at the beginning of my cycle to ensure that I am not pregnant). Anyways, I decided that I really didn’t need the emotional baggage of this procedure tainting Christmas, so here we are at the beginning of another cycle and the time is right.
Honestly, with this I have a rush of emotions all bursting from within me and competing for top spot in my heart.
Truthfully, I am a little bit excited. I will never again have to care what cycle day I’m on or deal with a two week wait. Or if it’s too early to pee on a stick. Heck, I may never have to pee on a stick again, and that’s exciting! I never again have to have ultrasounds where I will only be told of heartbreak. I cannot see any reason why I will have to endure a dildo-cam ultrasound again or why I will ever have to walk back into our dreaded local fertility clinic. And, after today, I cannot fathom a single reason why I will ever have to experience doctors shoving things into my uterus or prepping me for surgery to remove products of pregnancy. And, after today I will never have to sit at home waiting for drugs to kick in so that I can pass my child into a toilet. I am honestly very excited to leave all of these things in my past.
Oh, and I cannot forget about the pure excitement that comes along with sex just being about enjoyment again. For a few years now, sex became about scheduled procreation sex. And in the last few months it has turned into a bit of Russian roulette, as we know we excel at getting pregnant and we were relying on condoms. So, now that effective birth control is once again part of our lives, we don’t have to worry. There is no overlooking just how exciting this is!!
With this procedure I am also feeling a sense of relief. Once the Mirena IUD is in, chances are I will never again experience another miscarriage (statistically, the Mirena IUD is 99.9% effective, even more effective than a vasectomy which is 99.85% effective). Honestly, knowing that my body caused the deaths of 5 little babies, and that without substantial medical intervention which we cannot get locally and cannot responsibly afford, I would never forgive myself for trying again and losing another life. I am relieved to know that I will never watch a tiny heart beat slowly fade at weekly ultrasounds. I am relieved to know that I will not have to go through the emotional crazy train of the cycle of pregnancy-miscarriage.
I am also heartbroken. Somehow, even through everything in the last few years, I never really spent a lot of time thinking about this outcome, I always hoped that eventually it would work – heck, it has worked for eons for the vast majority of the human race, so why wouldn’t it work for us? Honestly, on some level I’ve known since our visit with Dr. Braverman in October, that this would likely be our outcome. Yet, I never really thought much about getting to today. But, regardless, here we are.
There is nothing exciting about knowing that my dream of successfully carrying our child is done and over. I am sad that I will never get to feel my baby’s first kicks as they grow and develop. My heart hurts that I will never get to see a little being that Mr. MPB and I created together – there will never be a mini-us. I feel desperately sad that my body will not cooperate with our hearts. I am frustrated beyond belief that for the first time in my life I cannot overcome – a cruel combination of science, politics and my own pragmatism stands in the way. I am heartbroken that I will always carry 5 little babies in my heart and not in my arms. I am desperately heartbroken that I will only know pregnancy to mean death, and not life.
And with all these emotions, today I am forced to acknowledge that I am not one of the ones who gets the rainbow pregnancy. I am not one of the ones who conquered biology and overcame our infertility. Instead, today I admit defeat as I stand up and acknowledge that I lost this battle.
But, today, I will also stand up and state that we will win the war. Our recurrent pregnancy loss journey is over, but our journey to have a family is not. We will be parents, we will share our love with our child(ren) and we will raise a beautiful child or two.
.
* Title borrowed/inspired/stolen from According to Katie. Katie, thank you for writing a post that touched me deeply and for using these two words (relieved heartbreak) to perfectly describe my current state of being.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you strength during this awful time.
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Thank you so much Greg.
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Sending so, so, so much love your way!
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Thank you so very much.
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Let one door close and another open. It may seem like you’ve lost a big part of you, but in reality you have grown into a much stronger woman. You will be an amazing mother no matter how your children come to you. Be gentle with yourself though. A major transition like this brings up lots of emotions. I’m confident that your Angels are beside you rooting for you on the next leg of your journey. I admire your determination, but most of all, knowing what you need to do for YOU. That is the true example of strength.
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Thank you so much for this comment – I read it so many times yesterday and today as your words offered me so much encouragement to see through the misery of the day.
Thank you.
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I’m so glad I could help ❤
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You always help 🙂
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That does sound like a complicated set of emotions. I’m hoping that this is the first step in grieving old losses and moving forward to a bright future with an adopted child.
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Thank you so much, I hope you are right that we are moving forward to a bright future. 🙂
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Sending love. It’s not an end, but a beginning with clear sight.. xxxxx
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Thank you so much for reminding me that this is not the end, it is really just part of embracing our new beginning.
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Wow, what a day ahead. I totally understand your mixed emotions and am also sad, excited and angry for you all at once. As you say, you’ve made the decision now and are looking forwards, which is wonderful. Im so looking forward to hearing all of your updates as you move closer to your child. Lots of love xx
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Thank you so much for your encouragement and love. Yes, it was an emotional day, and in many ways was harder then I ever expected. But honestly, I am doing better today and hope to be better yet tomorrow as we continue to embrace our future.
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Oh, my friend. I am feeling sad and relieved for you, right along with you. What a bittersweet day. I am sorry you will never get to hold those precious babies in your arms. You are right, though, that you will win the war. And I know that when the last battle has been fought and you’re finally holding your baby in your arms, you’ll feel that the fight has been worth it. But like any war, there are casualties — your heart, Mr. MPB’s heart, your sweet babies — and for that I am truly sorry. Sending love your way today.
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I adore the analogies you painted in this comment. You are right, there are casualties of our battle so far. Part of my future will have to be honouring those casualties in some way shape or form.
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You’re not weak if you decide to “give up” it means you’re strong enough to move on. Good luck on your journey and ill be watching for when your family of two becomes 3,4,5,6 or more :p
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Thank you so much for sharing this perspective, I guess there is some strength in realizing that we had to move on when we did.
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Of course there is 🙂 good for you guys! Congrats 🙂
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Sending you so much love today and always! There are just so many emotions to deal with on this journey and they ebb and flow like a river. Sometimes things are calm and easy to go through and sometimes, we hit rapids. I can’t wait to follow your adoption journey and excited to find out this week if we will be on it with you. Sending hugs and prayers your way!!!
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Thank you so much – I love the analogy of rapids. Yes, we are clearly working our way through some nasty rapids right now.
And, I am really excited that we will be on the same adoption journey! I cannot wait to follow your path, and learn from your experiences. 🙂
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Sounds like part of moving forward is appreciating and accepting what has been lost and gained through this process. I have noticed the colour returning, and the happiness increasing since you two have started this new chapter in your lives. Hugs as you brave this huge step in moving forward.
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I think you are right in so many ways with this. Something about turning to adoption, which is more of a guarantee, has resulted in a lot more happiness and optimism in the MPB house. Some days, like this one are still hard, but I guess that’s just life for better or worse. Thank you dear friend for all your love and support.
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You two deserve so much happiness.
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The roller coaster of emotions that infertility causes is a wild ride. I love that you are focusing on the future and the joy and happiness it holds. And I love that you will not let any of this defeat you. You will be a mother and a damn good one. I draw strength from your strength. Thank you!
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I am truly grateful for everything you share with me, as these words helped me regain my focus on the future and bring me back to a better place. Thank you.
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What a conflicted and complicated time. Although your journey to be a Mom has taken a different path than you once hoped- I have faith it will create the family you were meant to have and never imagine life without. Thinking of you. Xo
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I think you are right! One day we will have our “perfect” family. 🙂
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You are my hero. Truly. I wish i could be this strong. Thank you for being an inspiration. Love, hugs and good juju being sent your way
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That’s quit the compliment, and I feel very undeserving of it. There are so many weak days and many more moments of frustration.
Thank you so much for your love, hugs and good juju – I am always so grateful to have you on my team. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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I really feel for you today. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, dreams and memories to hold gingerly, so much upon which to reflect and to which you may look forward. A bittersweet day indeed. I am thinking of you my friend.
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Thank you so much SBCH. Thank you.
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I can feel your mixed emotions, and it feels like the freedom and relief you’re about to experience is very real. I’m happy for you in that way. I also feel your heartbreak and grief. This is a difficult moment but a very important one. Good luck and know that you’re supported from afar.
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You are right, it was an incredibly difficult moment, and yet a very important one as this door needed to be shut for so many reasons. Thank you so much for your support and kind words.
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Sending so much love, I don’t need to send strength, you have so much of that xx
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Thank you so much sweetie! I will hold onto every once of your love.
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Oh my perfect breakdown…. I know we are in different situations entirely but i utterly resonate with the ambivalence you are feeling… The utter relief combined with the total heartbreak tinged with the hope of a family at the end of the tunnel. I always so appreciate your honestyxxx
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I hate that so many of these feelings, and the complexity of having all of them burning inside at once, is so common in the world of miscarry and loss. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone, but I so wish you didn’t have a reason to relate.
Love to you my friend.
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Hi, bless you.
Today, 19th January 2015, is 5 years since my daughter was stillborn 19th January 2010. She was 38 weeks and 7lb 10.
I couldn’t have a rainbow baby either. It made me feel sad. As those people who i started the grief journey with – moved on, at least from the deafening silence x
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I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. And I am also incredibly sad that you know the emotions of not being able to achieve a rainbow baby. I can only imagine how hard the deafening silence is.
Love to you.
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It is…. I have no other children at home either. My daughter died at term. Christmas is always the worst time, right up to her birthday. I really understand how it feels x
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You did not lose this battle my friend, you have simply moved on to a new chapter of your book! I am so happy for you and sad at the same time. I remember that feeling of relief when I decided to go on the pill. I know it’s not quite the same. I do know for me, the “pressure” of it all disappeared. It was an amazing break. Enjoy that feeling you deserve it! I’m so sorry for your precious losses. Virtual hugs to you and your hubs!
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Thank you for reminding me about the good side of all of this – there is no more pressure! And that is just awesome.
Thank you so much for all your love, support and understanding.
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Ditto! I don’t know how I would have handled my infertility issues without this blog and the amazing souls I have met through it!
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Sending a lot of love to you, friend. ❤
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Thank you so much!! I am always so grateful for your kindness and love.
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I am wishing you freedom and peace in the acceptance of what is–moving fully into it and the gifts it will bring.
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What a beautiful wish! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Sending you prayers! You are so strong and brave. You will be the best mom to a very lucky child.
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Thank you so very much. You brought a tear to my eye.
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this is such a hard step to make. thinking of you x
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Thank you so much Chon. It was hard, it is still hard, but I am starting to feel better about all of it.
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You are so strong. And I love this outlook. I love that you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This sucks but is not the end. Pamper yourself a bit, k?
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Thank you so much sweetie. You are right, this does suck right now, but this is not the end of our story. Knowing that this is not the end gives me so much hope – thank you for the reminder.
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I’m glad that it seems you’ve found peace with everything, and are able to move on to another phase in life. I know it’s been such a hard road, and your decisions have not been made lightly or easily, but that those decisions are what was best for you and your hubby. I’m excited for you as you enter this new phase of life!! And I’m happy that I’ll be able to hear what happens along the way! 🙂
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Thank you so much Amy. You are right, this decision has not been made lightly, but it is the best decision we could possibly make given our prognosis. Here’s to hoping the new phase of our lives goes a bit more smoothly then the last! 🙂
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Pingback: Today Has Been Hard | My Perfect Breakdown
Dildo cam. Legit lol. I hate that thing.
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I will not miss that thing! 🙂
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Oh gosh, I cried so much reading this I can barely see the words on the screen now. I”m so so sorry for what has been, and I am so hoping that this is the beginning of a new journey for you that will be filled with love and laughter and the voice of a child. Life can be so terribly unfair, to the most deserving of people, and it is very hard to know that and be unable to fix it or justify it or explain it. It’s just too sad. You’ve been through such heartaching losses. But, you are also a woman of incredible strength and hope, and I am in awe of you and Mr MPB. xxx
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Rose, thank you so much for your kindness and love. I find so much strength in your encouragement and I am ever so grateful that you help me see the hope of the future with our new journey to build out family through adoption.
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tears, you are so brave. and I am so sorry that you have to be. i hear myself in your words, and they are words that are hard for me to say. thank you for showing me how to carry on, and be brave, so so brave.
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Somehow knowing that you understand helps me pick up and continue on. Thank you so much for your love and support.
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Beautiful, heartbreaking, and unfortunately relatable. I am so sorry, yet so relieved for you. I get it all too well. Hopefully you celebrated with a few martinis! 😉 Sometimes we celebrate the way we can instead of the way we want to….
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Thank you so much for sharing your understanding. Funny enough, now only about 10 days later, I’m pretty much okay with it. The emotions were necessary at the time, and I suspect may return from time to time, but there is such a sense of relief that I just keep holding onto.
And I absolutely love your idea of celebrating the way we can instead of the way we want to! That is absolutely perfect for this situation. 🙂
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