I Promise, I Will Always Remember
Ever since we chose to turn to adoption to grow our family, we have been experiencing people being excited for us. After spending the last few years with a cloud of misery hanging over our heads, facing “the looks” of sympathy/pity from almost everyone we know, it has been really weird for us to experience people being happy for us. We are grateful for everyone’s excitement and joy, because it helps us get a bit more excited about the possibilities.
Yet, while we are getting more and more excited about the whole adoption thing, it doesn’t mean my hurt and pain is gone. Sometimes everyone else’s excitement stabs me just a little bit. Just enough for me to catch my breath before I force on a smile. Because you know what all the excitement feels like? It feels like everyone has forgotten what we have been through. And more importantly, it feels like everyone has forgotten our lost children.
I do understand where our friends and family are coming from, no-one likes to talk about miscarriage and dead babies. But their refusal to acknowledge our miscarriages and therefore our babies, hurts.
No-one seems to understand the fact that we have not forgotten and we never will. It feels like I am no longer allowed the space to speak about our losses, our children or our dreams. It feels like I have to be excited all the time for our future family, at the cost of our past family.
We have 5 little ones that we will carry around in our hearts for the rest of time. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever replace these little souls and those little heart beats that fought so hard.
And while we are incredibly excited to grow our family through adoption, choosing adoption doesn’t mean we forget. It doesn’t mean we are magically healed. I don’t believe this means I have to forget or hide our lost babies. I don’t believe I could ever forget the experiences of the last few years. And, I don’t believe for a second I should be expected to.
So even if no-one else remembers, I promise, I will always remember.
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