Broken

  Posted on October 18, 2014 By

 78 Comments

My heart hurts.

My soul is in pieces

My body is no longer my own.

My uterus is literally a piece of useless anatomy.

.

I am no longer whole.

I am a stranger to myself.

I am exhausted.

I am beaten.

.

For the first time, I feel like it might be best to end this chapter.

I don’t want to continue hurting. In fact, part of me knows that I cannot continue living this way.

If I stop now, I know I will survive. If I have to face another loss, I’m not so certain.

I feel a need to find a way to fully embrace what I do have, rather than focus on what I have lost and what is missing.

.

20141018 - BrokenI am sincerely ready to turn over a new leaf. The problem is, I don’t know which leaf to turn.

I am sick of waiting for an answer. I’m tired of hoping for a better tomorrow.

So I sit here, at a fork in a road, hoping I choose the right path.

I don’t know how to choose the right answer. And I am afraid of the consequences if I choose wrong.

.

I am broken.

.

I need the scars to heal.

I need to feel whole again.

I need to reunite with hope.

I need to find myself, whoever that might be.

 

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 Category: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss      Tags: , , , , , , ,

78 Comments on “Broken”

  1. Praying that you reunite with hope. A little hope can go along way. Until you do though I will hope for you. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness under which ever leaf you choose.

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  2. I’m so sorry to read this and that you’re hurting so much. I don’t have an answer, I just hope you find peace with whatever you decide xxx

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    • Thank you so much for your love and support. I know, eventually we will find peace and contentment with whatever road we choose, unfortunately the process to get there wont always be easy.

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  3. been there, hang on, you will figure out whats best for you , sending hugs and prayers

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  5. Praying for you, praying for peace and that the Lord gives you the peace you need in knowing what to do. Remember that no matter which choice you choose He is with you.

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  7. I hate that you have been through so much pain and continue to hurt. I pray that you are able to find a path that gives you peace. Sending huge hugs and so much love!

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    • I know we will eventually figure this out, and these emotions are all part of the process, but right now, that knowledge doesn’t make it hurt any less.
      Thank you so much for your hugs and love!

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  11. Oh I am so sorry sugars. I am praying that you find hope and peace. I know it’s not easy but I also know that God can give ya strength to do whatever it is you decide if you ask. I wish I could give ya a big hug :/.

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  14. I’d give anything to sit on my decking with you and give you a hug. Is there someone who you could call and do that with. Just sit, talk if you need to, cry if you need to or just be silent if you need to. I understand. The distress when you feel like all hope is lost is like falling from a lifeboat in the worst storm. Don’t give up. I’ll help you back in to the boat. We’ll all help you back in. Xx

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  15. I am so, so sorry you are in such a dark and painful place. My grandfather always used to say ‘everything passes, good and bad’… I know this will pass for you but I don’t know when or how and your grief at this point must be immense. You are not alone.

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    • Your grandfather has very wise words – thank you so much for sharing them with me.
      While you are right, in this moment the grief and frustration is immense, I do know that this will pass and with time I will reunite with hope. And given time, we will figure out what our right next stop is.
      Thank you again.

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      • He had known a lot of suffering himself and so I always believed him. I have held onto his words in times of my own suffering, when the way forward has seemed so dark and confusing, my only ‘knowing’ being that I wouldn’t always feel that way even if I had no idea how or what would change. I’m glad to hear you are trusting that something will shift, even if you don’t know right know how that shift will come. Hugs.

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  17. Uncertainty is one of the most difficult things to go through. Especially when it lasts years. I’m hoping your path will be clear soon. Xoxo

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  20. Oh, my dear, hurting friend. I was dreading these days for you and my heart is breaking right along with you. The LP asked how you were doing today (before I saw this post) – a testament to how invested I am in your and DH’s situation seeing as how he has never met either of you – and I have also been thinking of you so much. I don’t have any answers but I know you will do what is right for you. This limbo period and the grieving you have determined to be on your horizon (because costs to cure what’s ailing are far beyond a manageable budget) are the heaviest of heavy burdens to shoulder. Of course your body and spirit have buckled under the load. I haven’t read the other comments yet but I’m hoping you’ve already made inroads to see your counsellor and seek out the supports you will need in coming days. If not Monday will be soon enough to line up some of that. I am just so incredibly sorry that this is so hard. If I can do anything, I am here. I hope you know I mean that. Call me anytime. I love you, my friend.

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    • Thank you so much Spirit Baby! And thank LP as well!
      I was able to see my counselor on Thursday (the same day that I wrote this) to talk through some of this, and we have another planned appointment next week. I’m a talker, so talking things through is always valuable for me.
      Thank you so much for your friendship and continued love and support!

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  22. I tend to find the in-between times to be the worst. I think you’re in an in-between time, where you feel lost and hopeless, where some doors have closed but no new ones have opened yet. I’ve been thinking of you all week, and I am certain that you will find a way to make yourself feel whole, hopeful, and happy again.

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    • Thank you so much for understanding. I think you are right, my struggle right now is that we are existing in an in-between time. Grieving what we’ve lost and what that means for our future, while also sorting out what we want to do next. Eventually we will find the next door to open which will provide hope and happiness. And, for now I have to try to accept that it will take some time. Thank you for helping me remember this. Thank you for your kind support!

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  23. Praying for you! I really hope you start feeling a bit less broken as you definitely are down, but I don’t think you are broken in the broken sense, you are amazingly strong. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I know with a bit of time (and probably some effort) I will feel less broken, and I will start to put all the pieces back together.

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  24. I am so very sorry that you have to deal with all of this and these burdens. Sending you hugs, peace and strength. These aren’t easy decisions but you will make the decision that is best for you and only you know what that is. Hugs…

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    • Thank you so much for your support and kind thoughts! You are right, eventually we will know what is best for us, and we will make the decision and start down the next path.

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  25. I’m so so sorry. I know that feeling so fucking well and it absolutely stabs my heart to know someone else is feeling it too. I know there’s nothing I can say besides you’re strong and you’re not alone. xoxo

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    • Thank you so much! I too hate that you understand all of this, I absolutely hate it! That said, I am so thankful you are able to offer me such kindness and compassion. I am truly thankful to know you and wish you nothing but the best as you too move through this.

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  26. So sorry you are dealing with this. Ugh. I am praying you find peace first – and have clarity. Praying God makes it so very clear which leaf to turn, and that you find peace that guides you. God still has a plan! Don’t lose that hope!!! And I believe your future will be brighter and better than you ever imagined! xox

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  27. I’m so sorry things are not going the way they should. You deserve to feel happiness and peace. I hope you are able to find some support and encouragement.

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  30. I clicked like simply to show support and for the fact that this post was honestly and powerfully written, I hope you find peace sooner than later but know you will get through this, you will find your strength and a way to deal with the pain even though right now you may be sure you will never do do.

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    • Thank you so much for your support! You are right, this post was written from a very honest place – I even hesitated to share it initially, but decided it is important to share and acknowledge the deep hurt that we are currently experiencing. Thank you again.

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  31. I am sorry. I felt this way before too. I am praying that you will find a path to embrace and experience life on, whatever that may be. It will be hard but once you figure out what is best for your family, you will find your path forward.

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    • Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in these emotions. Unfortunately, I think many of us feel this way at are hardest moments. And thank you for your encouragement to find our path forward.

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  32. I am really sorry you have hit rock bottom here. I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you it will be ok. xx

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  34. My heart hurts too. I hate that you are hurting this much hon and really wish there was more I could do to ease your pain. Sending you so much love and praying hope finds you again soon. Huge hug ❤

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    • Thank you so much for your kindness, support and friendship. I am sure eventually hope and I will find each other once again, it will just take some time. I hope you are doing well!

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      • Thanks hon. I have a horrible cold that I caught from my niece, but otherwise I’m good. I had my baby shower on Saturday which I’ll post about soon once I have a chance to go through all the pics my friends and SIL took. Thinking about you so much. Hugs hon.

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  35. I am with you! I had those moments of my own. For us, there is nowhere we can turn to. In our limbo state, it is the worst. But, I know if you sit tight, things will come through for you, whatever it is. I am waiting it out… Sending you strength, my friend.

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    • Thank you so much Jasmine! Your perspective is always just so uplifting and helpful for me. Everything you have said here is just so true – limbo is the worst, eventually thing will come through, waiting is part of the process.

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  36. Pingback: Knowing My Body Has Killed My Children | My Perfect Breakdown

  37. This just broke my heart. I wish I could do more than send a go-go-gadget hug across the webwaves.

    Just know I’m thinking of you and hoping for what’s best.

    With heart,
    Dani

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  38. Pingback: Let Down | My Perfect Breakdown

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