Determining When Enough is Enough

  Posted on September 11, 2014 By

 56 Comments

The infertility world is a cruel world.

Those of us going through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss continue to push ourselves in hopes of achieving the end goal – a healthy baby.

Those going through traditional infertility (i.e. unable to conceive) continue to push themselves through potentially countless medical treatments in hopes of achieving the same end goal – a healthy baby.

Our lives becomes consumed by trying to conceive:

We schedule sex.

We only use the optimum baby making position.

Our short-term planning (i.e. dinner with friends) is dictated by our baby making schedule.

Our long-term planning (i.e. vacations) is dictated by the possibility of being pregnant.

Our friendships have changed due to infertility.

We daily schedules are filled with medical appointments.

We have a team of doctors and medical professional supporting our attempts to create a healthy baby.

We live inside the pregnancy bubble.

Many of us live this way for years (I have just crossed the 2 year mark and I still have no living children). Some of us achieve the dream and move on to the other side of parenting.

Some of us, contemplate when enough will be enough. When should we give up? When should we end this constant battle? And when if we choose to stop, how should we end it? Should we walk away and live childfree? Should we walk away and put all our efforts into adoption?  

These are not small decisions. So, how the heck do we know what is right for us?

So, how do we actually accept that we’ve had enough? And then how do we actually figure out what to do next?

When I look specifically at our situation, I am at a complete loss for answers:

As for when to stop trying to conceive, we have no freaking idea. We made the decision to try for one more pregnancy – one more attempt with virtually no stress on my shoulders – I left my decently well paid, high stress professional employment and am now unemployed by choice.   If it works, great we will be awesome parents to our one child. If it doesn’t….well we try not think about that and we will evaluate our next steps should we have to. But, here’s the most recent issue – now we seem unable to get pregnant. And we are starting to contemplate potential medical options to help us conceive – IUI, clomid, etc. I can honestly say, if we have to turn to those treatments to get pregnant, we may just walk away. My body has been through so much in the last 2 years with 5 lost babies, I just don’t know that I’m prepared to enter into treatments. But, we could always just keep trying naturally and see what happens. But here’s the thing, nothing about trying to conceive is fun anymore. Nothing about actually being pregnant is fun anymore – pregnancy is now something I dread, not something that excites me. And, the idea of waiting longer and struggling to get pregnant also doesn’t excite me. Honestly, no matter how hard we work to enjoy life for the moment, our lives really aren’t all that much fun right now. This isn’t a great lifestyle and part of me really wants to start living again.

For us, we are quickly approaching the next weekend domestic adoption seminar – it’s in October. We have not called the agency to pay for and reserve a spot. In fact, we don’t even know if space is still available. We don’t even know when the next international adoption seminar is offered. Heck, we don’t even know which type of adoption seminar to attend – international or domestic. We seem to have checked out of the adoption stuff this summer. When we talk about it and try to make a decision, I feel like we are paralyzed and at a loss for answers. We don’t seem to know which way to turn. There are countless reasons to adopt. There are plenty of reasons not to adopt. And we cannot seem to make a decision.

I kind of feel like rather than making any decisions, we are now paralyzed. We continue to hope for a healthy next pregnancy, but until we get pregnant again and find out if it will be successful (or not), our lives are on hold. We have stopped enjoying the simple things like flexibility and spontaneity. Sure, we may go to the Dave Matthews Band to force a weekend of fun, but it’s is fully scheduled around my monthly cycle and a potential pregnancy.

We have stopped living.

So, today, I simply ask, how did others make the decision to move out of this place of infertility and loss? And for those who have moved on without a living biological child, how did you reclaim your life afterwards?

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

 Category: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss      Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

56 Comments on “Determining When Enough is Enough”

  1. I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you – these difficult decisions, feelings of paralysis, fears and hopes – and sending you a hug. ❤

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  2. We have had very similar journeys with 5 losses, contemplation of adoption, etc. My husband and I have talked about the same thing – when do we start trying to actively NOT get pregnant? I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. While we are actively moving forward on the adoption front I am not viewing it as the end of the TTC journey. Not yet.

    We have at least dialed back on the “planned” ttc efforts and it has lifted a little weight off of us. I don’t chart or worry about my cycle. I have a drink if I want to drink. I go for a run if I want to run. I’m in the mindset now of if it happens, it happens. Sex is unplanned and fun.

    All that being said I am still trying to figure out what is wrong. I’m seeing a new RE on monday. I don’t that is going to lead us to actively TTC though.

    I think my husband and I have entered a second phase in this journey. I don’t know if we will ever go all-in on the TTC again. I think we are going to stay in this “it happens if it happens” space for a while so we can pursue adoption and enjoy each other. I don’t know if we will ever get to the phase where measures are taken to prevent. That is something I’m not ready to think about.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your perspective – I always appreciate it, because as you’ve said our situations are just so similar.
      At this point, when it comes to ttc we figure we are either all in, or completely out. I love that you have the courage to live in the middle, but I really don’t think we will. Our history indicates that we will continue to get pregnant even if don’t really try to, so I think when we eventually decide to stop trying it will involve purchasing the best birth control imaginable. But, I know we aren’t there yet. Some days, I wish we were there because I hate living this way, but we just aren’t. At least not yet.
      Anyways, I hope your new RE is able to figure this out for you and provide you with the miracle cure!
      And thank you again for sharing and for offering your kind support. 🙂

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      • It’s the birth control part that scares me. I know we will get to the point where we will have to try to prevent but Im not mentally ready for that either. I use the middle as a way to not have to deal with it. I think it would take me a lot of therapy to be able to take a pill.

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  3. I think with many women there is a drive to have children — a strong one. Many women succeed in their attempts at having healthy viable pregnancies. Some women get pregnant and never carry-to-term for whatever various reason. Others simply never get pregnant. Then there is the group of women that get pregnant and didn’t really want children. And the group of women who don’t want children and don’t have them.

    I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. For me having a child wasn’t the end nor the meaning of my life. I sat on the maybe baby fence for a long time, but ended a marriage and a couple relationships that followed due to the men not wanting to have children.

    The clock ticked and ticked and ticked … the year I turned 40 I remarried. And although I felt very young and vibrant while being told I looked no older than 30, my eggs eventually told me another story. I became surprisingly pregnant at age 43. The excitement was grand. The prospect of a healthy pregnancy was precarious at best. I ended a much wanted pregnancy due to chromosomal abnormality. I, like you, and many other women, desire for my child to start out life in a healthy position. I could not in good conscious give my little one a life of physical, emotional, social and intellectual disability. It’s all such a personal decision.

    But once I got pregnant for that first time I got a taste of being a mother. A small small taste and for a while I rode the roller coaster ride of trying to conceive (TTC). Although I didn’t do IUI or IVF we gave it our best shot for a couple of years. Eventually I returned back to the starting point of accepting a child free childless life. The most difficult time was being in-the-middle … being somewhat indecisive and waiting for a viable pregnancy to come along.

    I set an age for myself which again, this is a personal decision, of the age 45. If I didn’t become pregnant naturally by this time I would get a hysterectomy — not for the mere sake of baby-making failure, but because I had horrendously painful periods and fatigue (severe dysmenorrhea). I had put off the hysterectomy in hopes that a baby would move into the baby house … but once I knew no baby was to reside in my uterus I was able to more forward.

    I had my hysterectomy this June and have healed quite nicely. Strangely enough I feel like I can move on in other aspects of my life as well. Somehow living in the world of wanting to be pregnant and holding on to hope prevented me from fully embracing life. I was in limbo — not a place of great inspiration.

    To make the decision not to TTC was a great one, but made for many personal reasons. I can’t recommend any other woman to make this decision because we are all individuals with different circumstances and life experiences. I think forcing yourself into any decision — whether it be accepting to be child free before you’re ready or pushing your body to the extreme with medication and procedures in order to conceive — leaves you feeling you don’t have choices making you falsely committed to a journey of emotional instability.

    I also believe that if a woman wants a child she must give herself a period of “trying enough” whatever that trying enough definition is for HER — not her friends’ standards, not society’s expectations, nor any one else’s meted out requirements.

    My ❤ goes out to you because I know this hasn't been an easy road for you to travel.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think what touched me the most if your comment about “The most difficult time was being in-the-middle … being somewhat indecisive and waiting for a viable pregnancy to come along.” And that you seemed to know when you were done, and now that you are out of the trying lifestyle, that you are okay with all your decisions. In a sense, you give me hope! (thank you by the way, I love hope).
      We are living in that place of wanting and trying right now, and its all consuming. Its exhausting. Part of me feels like if we could just make a decision to move out of this, one way or another, we’d be able to reclaim our lives and find real happiness again. And, at the same time, part of me firmly believes that we haven’t ended our period of “trying enough”, that we will get there eventually, but we just aren’t there yet.
      Again, thank you so much! Your comments, your sharing, your support are so appreciated. Thank you.

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    • Just loved this:

      “To make the decision not to TTC was a great one, but made for many personal reasons. I can’t recommend any other woman to make this decision because we are all individuals with different circumstances and life experiences. I think forcing yourself into any decision — whether it be accepting to be child free before you’re ready or pushing your body to the extreme with medication and procedures in order to conceive — leaves you feeling you don’t have choices making you falsely committed to a journey of emotional instability.”

      Thank you.

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  4. Oh boy. I don’t have any sterling advice. I can tell you I have asked myself this question – before we had our son and in the last two years of trying again, as you know – and have no answer beyond “we will know when it is time to quit”. My situation is different but my heart goes out to you two as you find your way. Do you think by not registering for the adoption seminar you guys have at learnt devised you were not ready for it? Or do you think it was one of those things that in hindsight illustrate your inner hope that you would be pregnant naturally by now? Maybe it doesn’t matter? I’m just aware of the after-the-fact realizations I’ve made.

    As for assisted reproduction – only you can decide what is best for you. One thing I’ve learned with hindsight is that I should never say never again.

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    • Too bad you don’t have some sterling advice or a crystal ball to tell my future – I could really use that! 🙂
      I think the big reason we haven’t registered fro the weekend seminar is that we are lost and we really just don’t know where to turn with all of this. Or at least that’s how I’m feeling in this very moment. The plan was get pregnant one more time and then see what happens, and if we lose it to attend the October seminar. Well, we aren’t pregnant, so we don’t know what to do. We are still so afraid of FAE/FAS that in many ways it doesn’t make sense to pursue adoption further until we have decided what to do about ttc a biological child. I hope that made sense to you and wasn’t just the ramblings of a crazy person.

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      • I get it. Remember I have first hand experience with FAE/FAS children so I can appreciate your concerns and reservations. If it does not feel right to you right now it probably isn’t. Not right now – for whatever reasons. International may be a better choice for you but I think if you aren’t there (at adoption) yet emotionally and psychologically then now is not the time to be pressuring yourself into that either. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. You know I’d support you whatever you do and of course I long for you to achieve your dream.

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      • I think clearly my thoughts on adoption are indicating that right now, that’s not the path for me. Part of me feels relived to admit it, and part of me is scared to admit it because I feel like I’m closing a door.
        Anyways, who knows, I might completely change my mind tomorrow because RPL has turned me into a blabbering indecisive idiot at times.

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      • First of all, you are neither blathering, indecisive or idiotic! This crap is *so hard*. It could crush the most Herculean among us. There is no shame in changing our minds. Especially about things so close to out hearts and so complex. Secondly, closing a door today does not have to mean you locked it and threw away the key. Trust yourself… You will know what is and isn’t a good fit for who you are today.

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  5. Although I have no idea what it’s like to go through a miscarriage (I believe I did have one chemical pregnancy, but my RE at the time refused to confirm it and only did a positive/negative blood test, did not get a beta number for me), we have been on this infertility road for almost 3 years now. It’s looking like IVF is not going to be a good option for us so our plan is to do at least 1 or 2 more IUI’s by the end of the year and if we still aren’t pregnant, we will put our name in with the adoption agency in January. For us, we’d always planned to adopt at some point, but we had wanted to adopt an older child, now we will be doing a domestic infant open adoption. The agency we are going through only takes a certain number of couples each year based on the numbers from the year before. This last year they only took 7…4 in January and 3 in July. Hopefully, if there’s more couples than there are spots, our names will get picked. I don’t know if we will ever stop ttcing completely, but we will probably stop treatments pretty soon. Good luck with making your decision. It’s such a tough one to make and such a personal decision for each couple having to make it. Prayers and Hugs going out to you!

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I love that you have a plan laid out ahead of you.
      We had a plan – try one more time and see if we get a successful pregnancy. If we are successful, we stop and live happily ever after with one child. If we it is unsuccessful attend weekend adoption seminar, make decision if we are willing to adopt and move from there. Oh, and re-evaluate if we are going to try again and if not, invest in the absolute best birth control imaginable to ensure we don’t end up pregnant again.
      But, the longer it takes for us to get pregnant again, the more I am struggling the the plan. I’m struggling with living in limbo land. I am struggling with waiting and wanting and watching life pass us by. I guess I just want an answer and a real action plan now, and we simply don’t have that.
      Anyways, thanks again! 🙂

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      • I can understand that, although our limbo land is usually caused by not having funds to move forward with whatever it is we want to do. There is nothing about this journey that is not frustrating and a test of our strength and patience. I hate not having a plan also!

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  6. I know how tired you are of all of this hon, and don’t want to push you in any direction, but I know for me, every time I thought of giving up, it gave me more anxiety then pushing on did. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that step yet. I did give myself a time limit though. For me it was 40. If we had continued to have more losses by the time I was 40, we were going to try donor eggs once and then if that didn’t work, we were going to stop. I know you’re younger then I am and your eggs aren’t likely the problem, so maybe 40 isn’t the right limit for you, but maybe if you take adoption off the table for a while, and give yourself a year (or a time frame that makes sense for you) of trying without trying and just enjoy your life and your husband, then you can go back to actively TTC and considering adoption more seriously then? I get the sense that adoption isn’t the right path for you just now, and understandably since you do get pregnant. Yes, for the record, I think you are still able to get pregnant. I know your RE doesn’t count the chemical pregnancy you had as an actual miscarriage, but I do, and your body reacts to the change in hormones, so it’s very possible that it’s still balancing out.

    This is such a personal decision, so no matter what, you and your hubby need to do what is right for the two of you. But for me, even when I was contemplating giving up, I knew I had to keep going while I was still young enough to try, otherwise I would have always looked back and wondered. And now, I’m so happy I didn’t give up.Big hug hon. Hang in there. I’m praying you get a happy surprise at the end of this cycle ❤

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    • As always, thank you so much for your advice! I just adore your perspective, because although your experience has been different in so many ways, I also feel like we are so similar.
      I think with the help of all of the comments today I have kind of come to the realization that maybe adoption isn’t for me/us and that’s okay – I haven’t actually acknowledged or admitted this out load before. But, maybe, embryo adoption could be for us? I don’t know much about it, but I figure if we remove our potentially lethal combination of genetics from the baby, then maybe we would solve the problem while letting us control the pregnancy environment? The fear of adoption for us has nothing to do with not having a biological child – I really don’t care about that. Rather, it has to do with conditions such as FAS. So, maybe embryo adoption could work. That said, since our RPL is unexplained and my RE just thinks its most likely the result of misaligned chromosomes, we don’t really know. And, my RE might have a different opinion on the subject, but I will be adding it to my list of questions for our next appointment which just happens to be tomorrow.

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    • ” But for me, even when I was contemplating giving up, I knew I had to keep going while I was still young enough to try, otherwise I would have always looked back and wondered.”

      This is right where I find myself now.
      So hard.

      Blessings,
      Dani

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  7. I’m not sure there is an answer. I think it’s like being in love. You’ll just know. Right? You’ll just know.

    I know that I’m not ready to give up yet, and maybe not for a while, but yes, that day could come when it’s time to give up. I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through.

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  8. Trust that you know when you’ve done your enough and everything (http://wp.me/p44kHn-kn). Because, I think, we do and we can only find that answer within ourselves and within our family. Not super helpful go to advice but for me it is the truth. Give yourself permission to go on if it’s your truth or give yourself permission to clarify your move forward time and decision. Sending you lots of love and clarity ❤ J

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    • I know it’s the truth, I really do. But right now, in this moment, I just want an easy answer. I could really use someone with a magic wand to provide us with clarity and answers – but I guess life isn’t quite like a Disney movie.:)

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  9. This is so hard. I can see what you are saying about pregnancy not being enjoyable anymore and life becoming a bit dull.

    I’m new to the fertility/infertility circle and lack experience and knowledge. I do recall my godmother having 2 miscarriages. Tragic because she is just a wonderful loving woman and would have been a lovely mum but she stopped trying and says its her only regret.

    Thing is I wish she had adopted. Maybe it wasn’t for her but there are so many unwanted babies in this world (crazy isn’t it? When so many of us would give everything we have to give birth to a healthy baby) and similarly so many couples who have so much love to give.

    Sorry. Its such a difficult question to answer and I don’t really have any advice. Maybe you both need a break. Just 6-12 months of getting back to you as a couple? Xxx

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    • I fear that if we stopped trying now, we’d feel the same way as your grandmother. In fact, it was the question of what will we regret in 10/20/30 years that lead me to quit my job and put forth our best effort into having a healthy pregnancy and child. It may not work, but at least we will know we tried everything.
      We have had the suggestion of taking a break before. And in many ways (i.e. mental health) it is a good one, and it is almost the “blessing” that we have not gotten pregnant again right away because its been a forced break. But, I’m afraid to do it because by taking a break we will get older. And, if we continue to average 2 miscarriages a year, and each year we obviously get older, the harder it will be to have a successful pregnancy. My theory is that we are at the ideal age now (31), so we might as well keep trying while age isn’t a factor. But, you definitely aren’t the first person to suggest this, and I’m sure you wont be the last. But, for now I intend to keep being stubborn and as long as we plan to keep trying, it is going to be now because i don’t see any advantageous to waiting.
      Anyways, thank you again for sharing. I love to hear other perspectives and suggestions. I truly appreciate it.

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    • What I meant by “screw FAS” is don’t let that stop you from exploring the adoption process and taking a step closer to adoption; I don’t mean to minimize the seriousness of FAS or the reality of its existence in any way.

      You’ve inspired me to learn more about FAS even though adoption won’t be something I’ll be doing. I am simply interested in the prevalence of FAS and personal stories of it. It is genuinely a scary issue because it’s loaded with so many problems — mental, physical and social. So sad.

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      • I think I’ve had a bit of a revelation today – I’m sure I’ll write a post on it soon enough. But, the long and short of it is, I’m scared of adopting, to the point where for the first time I think I can say I don’t want to do it.
        That said, embryo adoption could be the answer for us because we can 100% control the pregnancy environment. I think I’m going to be asking my RE about this tomorrow when I just happen to have an appointment with him. I’m not really sure that it will be an option for us given that they don’t know why we continue to miscarry. But they seem to think its genetic. So, if that’s the case removing our genetics from the child should completely eliminate that. I dunno, but I think I’m going to do some digging on the subject.
        And yes, FAS is unbelievably sad because it is 100% preventable.

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  11. I think about throwing in the towel more and more as each day goes by, something I never ever thought I would do even just a few months ago. I’m also slowly opening up to the idea of adoption. I used to desperately want the experience of pregnancy, but now all I care about is that I have a baby and a child to raise. I really can relate to the idea that pregnancy is not something that is exciting or joyful anymore, as is nothing about the conception journey. I also really relate to feeling so fed up with how much this controls our life. I always feel like I’m letting it do that, and then feel so bad about it. But it’s not a choice, it’s just the way it is. I don’t have any words of wisdom, I just hope you can come to a decision you feel at peace with. Although I don’t have as many losses, I feel like you write and articulate so much of what I feel. I’m right here with you ❤ Big hugs to you.

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    • Thank you so much for your support and knowing that you understand just means so much to me. I hate that you understand, but I love that you are able to let me know that everything I am going through is “normal.”
      I know we will eventually make a choice or some sort of real decision, and we will be okay with it. The problem is that I want it now. Really I just want a fairy godmother who can grant my wish so this can all be done with. But, clearly, as I said to Justine earlier, that’s not about to happen because I don’t live inside a Disney movie.
      Thanks again. 🙂

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  12. I wanted to offer up some hope and honesty. My sister in law struggled with infertility for 10 years, so when I had been struggling for a while I asked her how she coped and she said, “it’s not easy and it never gets easier” it was the most honest thing anyone has ever said to me on this journey. Because truthfully it is not easy, but it makes us strong. You are stronger than you think. Now for hope, after 10 years of struggling to conceive my sister in law had a beautiful baby girl. This baby girl is so special, not only is she my niece but also my god-daughter and she is proof that hope exists.

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    • I don’t know how she did it for 10 years, but I am so happy she got her happy ending in the form of a little girl!
      Thanks for sharing her honest words (which so far also seem to be my experience) and thank you for sharing a hopeful story! I love hopeful stories that put a smile on my face! 🙂

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  14. First, I am so sorry you are in the awful well what do we do now? phase. I have been there for awhile myself and it’s not fun. You constantly think “should we keep going?” “should we move on?” and it’s exhausting. We are currently in a “if it happens it happens” phase but I have given us a 3 month interval so July August and September we are not thinking about anything or making any kind of decisions and then in October we will regroup and see if we want to keep going that route or try something else. I have found it helpful to have an endpoint so we aren’t just lingering indefinitely but at the same time taking a break from having to make any decisions for a couple of months. Of course I will always know what cycle day I am on etc. but we are not formally trying so it has helped take out the scheduling part. Another piece of advice that really helped me from my support group leader for when you are in an uncertain place is to explore any options that you think you might be interested in…do research, read books, talk to people etc. and pay attention to how you feel as you are reading or listening. This has really helped me at least eliminate options that I know are not right for me and has helped make it a little less overwhelming. My support group leader also says that you won’t be infertile forever…you will either go on to have a baby, live childfree or adopt, etc. and you will move on. I try to remind myself of this when I feel like there is no ending in sight…maybe not today or tomorrow but one day. I have also heard that you know when it’s enough and if you are still questioning it then you probably aren’t done. I hope you find your answers soon:)

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    • Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I really appreciate hearing other people’s perspectives.
      The comment from your support group leader really resonates with me – you wont be infertile forever. And I think I may start trying to follow your approach and remind myself of this when I start to feel overwhelmed with all of this! One day, maybe not today, but one day, we will know when enough is enough and what that actually means.
      My husband is much better at looking at things in shorter timeframes – like just the next few months. I suck at it, and know I need to work on seeing things that way.
      Thank you again! I hope you find your answers as well!

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  15. We were so close to giving up on IVF we said this cycle was it and then we were pregnant and this one stick so Molly came along. TTC2 I don’t have as much strength or perseverance I like living my life too much. But I desperately want one more. Whatever you decide to do – just take care of you. I know for me I will need counseling to move forward. Sending you hugs and strength don’t give up yet xx

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  16. While I can’t completely relate, because we are walking such different paths through this battle, I have felt all of these feelings. 1 1/2 years with no pregnancies to speak of. We are looking at IVF at this point. How we came to that decision was through complete desperation. We have exhausted all other options. I’m praying for you and hoping you find the right answers!

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    • I think so many of the emotions surrounding RPL and IF are so similar – we all face disappointment, hurt, fears, frustration, etc. So, while we may walk different path, I am truly grateful for your comment and your support.
      I am happy you are moving forward wit h a plan, and hope we decide on something soon ourselves.

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  17. I have given myself a year to think through this, after the passing of my baby Kevin. I thought I would have a decision since it is close to the year end. But, I do not. The hurt is still there and the taste of failure still lingers, after 5 years of trying, 3 IUI, 3 IVF later. Have no living baby to show for. I so wanted to have this issue settled whichever decision I make. But, I cannot. I am in the limbo stage. I am just busy rebuilding my health and career. I am letting baby come to me, at this moment. (almost feel given up but that is what I can do.) Not sure if this helps. I hope you take the time to decide.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and your plan. I cannot imagine how hard this has all been for you – every single thing is just so much and to lose your son is just so unfair. So incredibly unfair. I admire you for how you are continuing on and letting a baby come to you.

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  18. I think so much of your time spent once you are faced with infertility is spent being unable to decide. The evil “what-ifs” take hold and make us forget that we are missing out on life. ❤ I know if you follow your heart you will find the right path.

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    • Thank you so much for this comment. I work very hard to avoid the what-ifs – they can just be so time consuming and exhausting all at the same time. I wish I could clearly see my heart right now, but right now I think I’m stuck in that mucky place and with time things will become clearer.

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  19. Great questions!! And I’m intrigued by the responses you’ll receive, as my heart is somehow in the same place.

    Blessings,
    Dani

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    • It is such a hard place to sit in. But, as my counselor would say, it’s such a mucky place to be, but that’s not a bad thing. Taking time to be is important. (Or at least she’d same something like that).

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  21. Wow, such an honest post. I had these feelings when it became clear that we would need medical intervention to have a child I have heard about people spending thousands and thousands of dollars so I really wanted to know when do people stop. I wanted to know when to stop before I begin. I didn’t want to get into the mindset of “I already spent $100,000 so let’s just keep going.”
    I definitely felt paralyzed for the first couple months. And that was just the diagnostic! I didn’t even really get into any pregnancies the way you did. I planned a vacation and my coworker said “You can’t go on vacation! You are trying to get pregnant!” That gave me a huge pause. I went on the internet and saw all of these natural remedies and then I got the schedule and monitoring cycles from my doctor. Having sex on a schedule is really unromantic.
    My husband was the saving grace. I totally would have gone ahead with the schedule, but he insisted on keeping the sex about us and not about making a baby. I resolved to do use the medical intervention in order to conceive, but I will not give up my life for this. I want to move forward and get a house and go on vacation and basically live my life.
    I seriously doubt my commitment to this motherhood thing. It seems like everyone else on the blogs say that motherhood is their ultimate dream. It would be nice to be a mom, but if it doesn’t happen, I can live with that. I really had to let it go or else I would be a basket case right now. It just can’t be put into words how terrible it is when you can’t conceive because that is supposed to be the most natural, easy thing for a woman to physically accomplish. It is practically a birth right / rite of passage sort of thing.
    My plan mirrors your plan somewhat. Try the medical intervention of IVF and if that doesn’t work then move to domestic adoption. I think that I will satisfied knowing that I tried the IVF. My case is a bit different because I had surgery and went into perimenopause at 23 so there was always a question as to whether or not I could conceive. Just finally getting answers is comforting to me. It is not as easy as I make it sound to let go, but I did an exercise where I wrote down a list of what I considered to be the “worst things that have happened to me in life” such as failing a test, breaking up with someone, the surgery, infertility, etc. It was a pretty long list that I won’t get into, but I was surprised at all the things that happened to me and the realization that a lot of those negative things actually had positive outcomes. Such as not getting into medical school was the worst day of my life, but I went down another career path and ended up meeting my husband etc. So all these things may seem terrible, but it might really direct you to where you need to be. My new mantra is “I am at peace with the past, grateful for the present and hopeful for the future.” Difficult to keep that mindset all the time, but it helps me make sense out of all that is happening in my life.

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  22. Wow, thanks for sharing all of this!! It does sound like we have a similar plan – try biology/science, and then move onto adoption. It also sounds like your husband’s approach to all of this is near brilliance, and I’m so impressed that you’ve also been able to embrace living through all of this. Honestly, with hindsight being 20/20, putting our lives on hold was the biggest mistake we made in this whole thing. Living in a bubble makes no sense and it’s quite frankly not a way worth living. And turning to adoption has allowed us to return to living, and I am beyond thankful for that.
    Your strategy about writing out the worse things that have happened sounds really interesting – it is funny how so many thing we think would be the “end” of the world end up having positive consequences. You talk of not getting into med school, and for me right now I think of resigning from my full-time employment and starting out on my own. Right now it doesn’t feel like I’ve realized the positive consequences, but I am confident at some point they will come true.
    Also, I adore your mantra – such a great approach to life!! I may need to adopt it myself.

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