My Heart Just Broke Into a Thousand Little Pieces
What a week it’s been!*
My heart just broke into a thousand little pieces.
We have one set of friends who are on the infertility path.
She is considered old by fertility standards at the age of 39.
They have been unable to conceive.
They got pregnant. They lost their baby.
They can now add miscarriage to their journey.
I used to work with a pretty nice guy. He and his wife were on the infertility path.
They are considered old by fertility standards at the age of about 40.
They have been unable to conceive.
They got pregnant. They lost their baby.
They can now add miscarriage to their journey.
So, who did they call to discuss their situation and what steps to take?
Me. They both called within 24 hours of each other.
Now, as I have said before and will say again, I am happy to share our story and my perspective on miscarriage. Happy might be the wrong word, maybe I am just willing to because that is the only good that can come out of our experiences.
Apparently by being more open about our experience of 5 miscarriages, I am turning into the go-to expert on the subject.
The problem with being the expert, and sharing our story and our experience, is that I have to re-live each miscarriage. When I’m asked a simple question like do you recommend a D&C or misoprostol/cytotec, I have to think through each miscarriage and each experience. I will never provide a recommendation for someone else, but I will provide our story and our experiences to help enable them to make their decision. But in doing so, I have to relive the decisions we made and explain why we made the decisions we did.
But you know what, it’s worth it. I desperately wish someone could have answered these types of questions for me. I desperately wish I had someone to phone outside of the medical community to get the real experience not the medical expectations and statistics. I wish someone could have told me what actually happens when misoprostol/cytotec doesn’t work properly and I wish someone could have shared what to expect on the emotional side of recovery not just the physical.
My life plan never included becoming an expert on how to have a miscarriage the practical way or the pros and cons of each type of miscarriage (I plan to post on this soon). But, today, I can honestly say that I am thankful I am able to help others when they are in the throes of such a horrific experience. I am actually honoured that people I know feel comfortable enough to call me and ask questions – it’s a hard thing to do. I realize by taking the courageous step of asking questions they are also telling me about their hurt and there pain. By turning to me, they are inviting me into the lives in such an intimate way. The least I can do is share and be shoulder to cry on if someone needs it.
That said, I wish no-one had to go through the experience of losing their baby and having all their hopes and dreams come crashing down around them. One loss, is one loss too many. But, one thing I’ve learned in life is that just because you have a wish, doesn’t mean it will come true. Ultimately, what matters most is how you pick yourself back up and carry on when the going gets tough.
……………………
*Note that I wrote this post a while ago, probably a few months ago actually. I decided it was time to share it after talking with another blogger who has recently gone through her fourth loss. If you are interested in learning from her experience, check out her blog – A Calm Persistence. She wrote an amazing piece on her experience with misoprostol/cytotec which is absolutely worth a read if you are ever in the situation. Her ability to get through and persist is truly remarkable and she shares her story with unbelievable honesty and courage.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I’m sure the couples going through miscarriage are thankful to have you for support and guidance.
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Thanks for your encouragement and support 🙂
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As painful as it is, you’re such a gift to be able to share the hurts with people who need the shared empathy. You are a blessing to many.
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Thanks so much for your encouragement. 🙂
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Sweetie, I’m sorry. For your losses. For your friends’ losses. Pregnancy loss is cruel and unravels us, no matter the number of times — as you know. For many of us, the first is the worst. For others (you and I among them), it gets superseded by a subsequent “worst”. The facts are all so cruel.
I’ve been on the receiving end of those requests for information and shared experience. I am always so stoic when I respond but afterward I feel sick and broken anew. For me it is only with some time and distance from the ask and my answer that I peel back the layers and ground myself again, usually after a new round of grieving. Giving back hurts, not in the moment, but after the giving is done. That said, I’ll keep doing it – as you do – because sometimes it feels like the *only* good thing to come out of our suffering, to support others in theirs.
I so wish none of us had to suffer. Big warm hugs, my friend.
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Thanks so much for your support. I have to agree with you, I always provide my experience in a very stoic manner – no emotion, all facts. And afterwards is when I break and usually have a moment of how the heck have I survived all of this?! Then, like normal, I pick myself up and keep on going. And, I know I will always answer questions for anyone, it’s the least I can do.
I too wish no-one had to suffer through this. I wish no-one had to experience one miscarriage, and I wish no-one had to experience recurrent miscarriages….
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My heart is also breaking for your friends and also for A Calm Persistence. I am so thankful that your friends were able to turn to you for the love, support and advice they needed. Going through a miscarriage can be a lonely and dark time but I have no doubt that the love you will show them will help them pick themselves back up and carry on. You are an amazing friend! Sending you hugs! xo
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Miscarriage is such a lonely and dark time, and part of that is simply because we, as a society, choose not to discuss it. How many people keep there pregnancy secrete for the first trimester due to the fear of miscarrying? Anyways, I doubt I can fix society as a whole, but I will continue to support anyone who reaches out to me. Thanks for your encouragement. 🙂
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I am so sorry for your friends and for you for having to re-live your losses. I wish I had had someone like you to talk to after my first loss. I totally agree with Elisha…it was a dark and lonely time. I’m sure your friends are so grateful for your support and encouragement. After my second loss, I found these blogs. The first three I read, A Calm Persistence, Elisha’s and yours, saved me during those dark days. So, thank you for being an expert to many, including me. ❤
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Thank you so much for your kind words – I am honoured to have helped you through your difficult time.
After my fourth loss, I to found the blogging community, I love that we are able to support each other and provide light and guidance in such difficult times.
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My heart goes out to you and your friends hon. I’m so sorry these two losses are bringing back painful memories for you, but so glad you are able to provide some answers and comfort for your friends. After my first miscarriage, I called my best friend who had had two miscarriages to ask her advice about D&Cs and Misoprostol. Now after so many losses myself, I know how hard it must have been for her to talk to me about it, but was so grateful to have her. The internet is such an overwhelming place when you’re going through miscarriage, especially when it’s your first miscarriage and the doctors really don’t tell you as much as they should. I think you’re amazing for putting the information out there, even when it means you have to relive it yourself. It will be such a huge help to so many. Hugs hon ❤
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You are so right,=. After our first few miscarriages I learned that the internet is indeed very overwhelming. Now, I rarely even turn to Dr. Google for advice, I’ve learned that when it comes to complicated pregnancies, it is just not the best source of information.
And, thanks for your encouragement. So long as I continue to help others, I will continue to share. 🙂
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All of this. I like that I can provide practical real-life advice about terrifying and confusing things but I hate having to recall my five losses.
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You are just so right – I like that I can help, but yet I so hate that I can help.
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I think you are amazing for sharing your story! And you’re right that the only good to come from a loss, is being able to help someone going through a similar situations. I’ve been fairly private about my loss and ensuing battle with infertility IRL, but eventually, I hope to share my story so that I can be there for someone too.
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Thank you so much for your encouragement.
I too started out very quite about our losses. But, when I left my job after the fourth loss I felt that I had to explain why i was leaving and being honest was the better then any other option.
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I am so very sorry for your friends, but I am so glad that they had you to be there for them. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this and for sharing parts of your story. ❤
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Thank you so much for your encouragement. I truly appreciate it 🙂
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Your level if compassion is incredible. I am sure that others going through this are extremely grateful for your love and support even though it is painful for you.
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Thank you so much for your kind words! Your support and encouragement is just awesome.
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I’m so sorry for the suffering your friends are going through 😦 I can understand how it’s such a mixed bag to share your experience – on one hand you are such a blessing to your friends, but on the other hand it’s painful to relive these experience and can take you back to that ‘place’. It’s so brave of you to open up and be there for others. I’m sure they are incredibly grateful to be able to turn to a friend who has so much compassion, empathy, and knowledge. xo
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Thank you so much for your compassion and encouragement.
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It’s so wonderful to help others toward healing, sweetie.
I am That person for those in my heart community as well. I try to be to them what I would have loved for someone to be for me when we experienced each loss. And while I don’t always succeed, I hope at least they know they’re not alone.
With heart and thanksgiving,
Dani
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You are so right – if nothing else, at least by sharing this part of ourselves with others we are able to let them know that they are not alone.
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Such a relatable post for me. I miscarried Baby A and B at 9 weeks and decided to go with cytotec instead of a D&C. It truly is an experience and not one I’d wish on anyone. (I’ll have to write a post on it.)
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Thank you for reading! I am sorry you have had to experience the loss of your babies and cytotec.
I have also done cytotect (2 times) and unfortunately I’m the 20% that it doesn’t work properly for. I too should write a post on the experience.
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