How I Cope With the Disappointment of a Negative Pregnancy Test
So, after my last TWW ended with another BFN (negative), I decided to track what I did for the next few days. so that I could see how I cope, and how I move through the process of disappointment over a lost cycle to hope for the next cycle.
So, here’s what I apparently do in the few days following a BFN:
- I drink alcohol. I rarely drink to excess, and I’m proud to announce that I didn’t this month. Right away once I found out we were not pregnant this month, I went and dug out a bottle of wine. It tasked yummy.
- I love baths, they are my go-to comfort place after a bad day, or when I have a migraine. And, now, for almost 2 years, I avoid baths entirely. I will only have them in the first week of a new cycle before there is any chance of ovulation. So, I had a hot bath the first day I knew the cycle was a bust. Like, super hot, the kind that would potentially cook a baby if I were pregnant (and yes, I did just write that).
- I sat down and finished my most recent puzzle. For me, there is just something relaxing about sitting at a table methodically piecing a puzzle together. And, as an added bonus, I always feel good when I get something accomplished, so I thought finishing the puzzle might help.
- The very next morning after the BFN, I forced myself to go outside to mow the lawn and soak up some natural Vitamin D. Due to my sever grass allergy I had been putting it off in case we were pregnant (as we don’t want to trigger any immune reactions I wouldn’t have mowed the lawn if we were pregnant, and as my husband’s ankle remains broken it is on me to take care of the yard and to do almost all things that require two working legs for that matter).
- I had an exciting and eventful long weekend planned which nicely correlated with the end of this cycle. When we planned the weekend, we knew it would work for us if we were pregnant or not. And, it would work well either way, because I could either enjoy alcohol without worry, or I would be distracted enough to not focus solely on another high risk pregnancy. This isn’t a strategy that works most months, but right now especially given how hard I took the BFN, I am super happy we have this weekend planned. (Don’t worry, next week I’ll share what we did with photos).
- I picked a fight with my husband for not saying anything when I first told him about the BFN. Not the brightest thing to do, and definitely not something to add to the healthy coping strategy list. It’s not like it was his fault in anyway, and it’s not like he can change the outcome. But, like always, he dealt with my crazy and was there to deal with the emotional wreak that I became and for that I’m grateful.
- I have enjoyed my chai tea lattes guilt free. I normally make them at home (because I can and I’m cheap), but I decided to splurge and make a trip to Starbucks for a real Due to my migraines, I have never been a big caffeine drinker, but I love chai tea lattes and the ones from Starbuck’s don’t result in a migraine. So, I make the most of it and have been enjoying my favourite drink.
- I ate medium rare stake which is always delicious and of course forbidden once pregnant.
- I will eat sushi at least once in the next few weeks.
- I wrote a bit, but really not that much.
- I started working a bit on a project with one of my mentors. I decided to do it before the BFN, but it sure helped right now to have something else to concentrate on.
- I entered my new CD1 date into virtually every online calendar to get an idea of my dates for the next cycle.
- I asked my OBGYN friend if she has any advice on how to get pregnant again sooner. Turns out, timed sex is about the best advice she has for us at this time given that we have been able to conceive 5 times in the last 2 years. So we are already on the accelerated pregnancy plan. But, because I’m paranoid I asked, and I feel better having her confirm that I really have no reason to worry. (And as a bonus I got to feel like an idiot for asking one of our very good friends about our sex life – this was rather entertaining actually).
- I debated using ovulation sticks for the upcoming cycle. For now, I’ve decided not to because they don’t seem to help and they just seem to piss me off more than anything.
Anyways, this is my list so far. Nothing terribly exciting.
But, I did notice that everything seem to be geared towards distracting myself from the disappointment, or about breaking the scared pregnancy rules. It is almost as though my subconscious has said, f#$! you pregnancy and f*#! you pregnancy bubble. If I’m not pregnant, at least I am going to live how I want to live. (Although, I should note that I do plan to continue to fully embrace the no crack pregnancy rule – it seems like the one rule that I just shouldn’t break).
I know none of these little coping strategies will make a difference to our next pregnancy, breaking the pregnancy rules for a week or two will not change the outcome of our next pregnancy. We may have another miscarraige, but we also may not. But I do know they have each worked together to make me feel better, even if only for a few minutes at a time. And, all of these things have helped me focus on anything but the BFN, all my intensifying fears about additional fertility issues and all the RPL fears.
Anyways, since the longest I’ve ever had to deal with trying to get pregnant is 4 consecutive cycles, I assume I am not the expert on the subject. Does anyone else out there have suggestions for turning the corner from disappointment to hope each and every month?
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My Perfect Breakdown 
I think I am just numb to seeing another negative pregnancy test after each cycle….so I don’t usually have too much of a reaction or need to do too many things to cope. Either that or God is giving me some serious strength. LOL!
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I can understand how a lot of negative tests would turn you numb to all of it. I’m still hoping you get you positive soon! 🙂
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me too! me too! I don’t even know how I would react or what I would even post to make the announcement.
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Funny, but most of my coping is front loaded. Mostly, it is the two or three days prior that I’m preparing myself for my period. (I’m not a test taker.) I’ve been doing a ton of meditation. I also plan out which beers I’m going to drink. I’m a big craft beer fan, so the TWW kills me. It gives me something to look forward to.
The day of I’m usually a wreck– lots of crying and cursing. But after that, I’m usually okay. CD1 always sucks, there isn’t a way around that. But I love how you started to plan for your next cycle– ever onward, right?
I also love how you’re following the “No Crack” rule. Me too!
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It is interesting how we all have our processes to prepare ourselves, then get through the actual CD1 and move into the net cycle. I like your idea of planning which beers to drink! I might have to start adding that level of detail into my planning if we keep getting negatives.
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I just always have to prepare for a BFN and have a plan B laid out ahead of time that includes something different and new. I also go for a very long run and listen to my favorite play list. That run really saves me from a dark place.
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I love the idea of something new and fun and running – both would definitely keep you focused on something else.
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I deal just about the same as you. I numb myself with alcohol and foods I was avoiding, yell at myself and everyone around me unexpectedly, have irrational thoughts and emotion breakdown, do everything I was not supposed to do if pregnant and start planning for the next cycle. Planning for the next cycle for some reason helps me a lot.
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I am truly a planner, so I just like to know what’s coming next. It sounds like we are very similar in our approach.
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Me too, I hate the “unknown” it drives me mad. Even if I have a plan and it doesn’t go as planned I can make another one lol.
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Glad you’re keeping yourself busy and distracted hon and so glad you’re getting away this weekend! Can’t wait to see pics!
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Yes, keeping busy is critical to reducing the disappointment of a negative.
We just got home from our weekend and it was awesome! Pictures to come tomorrow (if I can get myself organized to post some) 🙂
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As much as BFN totally suck, it is a good opportunity for a little self-care – bubble baths, wine, foods that make us feel good, being kind to ourselves. So sorry you’re dealing with this disappointment and hoping next month is THE month!
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I love your choice of words – self-care. It is so true. 🙂
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I laughed so hard at cook a baby hot baths. I probably take showers that would cook a baby on a daily basis (I think my nerves are broken because my husband says the water is way too hot).
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Glad I could make you laugh. Sometimes I’m a bit too blunt, but hey, what’s the point on blogging if I can’t use the unfiltered words that pop into my mind? 🙂
My husband says my showers are also crazy hot too.
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It is so good to take care of yourself and do those things that breathe life back in. I have done the same. And suspect I will for some time to come.
Thank you for sharing your heart, sweetie.
Oh, and I Love the new look of your blog. It’s just lovely!!
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I find now a lot of my life activities, regardless of a BFN, are about breathing life back in (I love that term by the way). I seem to be working very hard to focus on finding happy moments and enjoying what we have. I think this has become so important to me because I refuse to be depressed on a daily basis.
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What a list! Thank you for sharing this! Like you said, every little things add up and it helps for a short moment, the moment we would have been dreading and crying. We need these moments. One more thing, I have terrible migraines. By having b complex, take a quick walk and have hot bath helps.
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Oh, I hate that you get migraines as well. I have struggle wit them for years and find they are food and stress triggered. I too definitely do the hot bath whenever I get one (so long as its in the 2 weeks before I ovulate).
I haven’t tried the b complex – I thought I had tried everything, but I haven’t heard of this one before. I’ll have to look into it – thanks for sharing!
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It’s probably not much of a comfort to you because it’s my way of thinking but – especially before Little Man – I’d just think f*&k you BFN, it ain’t over until I hit menopause!!! I also started to think that it may not happen for us so we kind of had a plan B, like doing a big overseas trip and/or doing stuff around the house etc. Kind of other plans bubbling away helped me cope because I could turn my attention to something else. I say turn when I actually mean force myself to research trips and home decor otherwise I’d cry all day everyday until I became severely dehydrated. I think when you’re trying again in a week or so the hope (and anxiety) will naturally return. Such a roller-coaster…
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We’ve been doing the same thing – focusing on other things to help us cope. After our 3rd loss we took a trip to Peru to be busy and and after our fourth I re-painted half of our house. Even this month we had a weekend trip booked. I find being busy really helps because we aren’t stuck sitting around thinking about everything bad that’s going on.
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Love the list. I usually make myself go to Zumba…where I can laugh at myself, sweat, and get the endorphins going. It works for me. After guzzling water…I start on the wine!
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