A few days ago, I wrote about one of my biggest fears – losing my husband. Out of that post, a fellow blogger commented “I have been afraid of losing myself, my sanity and identity as a woman.” Her comment really resonated with me, and it definitely didn’t take me long to realize, I needed to write something about losing myself through recurrent pregnancy loss. So, here goes:

If you asked me 2 years ago to describe myself, I would have had a simple and straight forward list of words that describe me to a tee:

Confident

Professional

Loyal

Dedicated

Happy

Healthy

Over-achiever

Perfectionist

High-Strung

Absolute

Decisive

Passion

Unsympathetic

Strong-willed

Opinionated

Adventurous

Success

Independent

Active

Planner extraordinaire

People Pleaser

Structured

Educated

Today, I struggle to answer that question, because I am simply not the same person I was. A lot of the above traits continue to hold true (a strong personality doesn’t die overnight), but they aren’t the first words to pop into my mind. When I look at the aforementioned list, I see that almost everything here is based around my career. To be successful in my industry, particularly as a women, many (but not all) of these traits are essential. And honestly, I’m not sure that I love what I see in that list. I see a women who is so focused on success and unbelievably career driven that there isn’t much room left for anything else.

So, today, I put my mind to creating a list of new traits I exhibit, some good, and some not so good. Here’s what I came up with:

Courageous

Emotional

More sympathetic and sometimes less sympathetic

Thoughtful

Confused

Creative

Grieving

Self-Aware

Diligent

Erratic

Frustrated

Tired

Cautious

Worried

Expressive

Self-Reflective

This list really shouldn’t be listed as a straightforward list, with an implied hierarchy of importance. Rather it should be more of a chaotic and sporadic representation, which is much more reflective of me, because depending on the day some traits are more prevalent than others:

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So, looking at the new me, I’m thinking, maybe it’s not at all about losing myself, rather is really all about finding myself? Looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Maybe, this bullshit RPL journey, will force me to find me? I suspect this new me is open to limitless possibilities.

Maybe, just maybe, I am getting to a point where I’m ready to start accepting a not so perfect life – maybe I’m realizing that it doesn’t have to a perfect breakdown, controlled to the tenth degree. Instead, it can just be my perfect breakdown – my version, which isn’t bound by societal norms and acceptance. Maybe, I can actually have and accept a life with faults. A life with some drama. A life with a different type of adventure – not the traveling to foreign countries and experiencing the world kind of adventure (although those adventures are still pretty awesome), but a life with adventure within my daily life. There doesn’t have to be a plan, there can be some messiness and some chaos.

So maybe, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is in a round-about way, helping me find myself, rather than living the perfect life I’ve always expected of myself. I suspect if nothing else, this will force me to continue to grow as a person.

I know regardless of the outcome, there will be ups and downs. There will be erratic and emotional days, but there will also be more creative days. There will still be perfectionist days driven by my strong-willed, over-achieving self. But, there will also be days of thoughtful, self-reflection. And, this is okay. And truth be told, it might just be a healthier lifestyle.

But, regardless of what happens, I can promise you, this journey will result in a better version of me. Because, I will not accept anything else of myself. I will push to be a better person. I will strive to be the best, yet I will also accept that I will not always be perfect.

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